IT WAS A GRAVEYARD SMASH
From Diary of a Mad Gen Yer...2009
GOOBLINS AND GOBLINS AND GHOSTS AND ALL THAT OTHER STUFF. I'M MORE INTO THE REAL STUFF WITH REAL GHOSTS AND IS HALLOWEEN A CHRISTIAN OR PAGAN THING?
It’s Halloween night and I’m watching a really bad 00s Halloween horror flick and I'm constantly getting off of my couch every few minutes to serve a bunch of noisy kids pounding my door yelling “TRICK OR TREAT! TRICK OR TREAT!” I can't imagine so many kids coming to my apartment complex in Van Nuys. Hardly any kids live in my apartment complex but they sure like to come to my place and get some free candy. Some of those kids are quite big too. I'm sorry but if I see a big boy or big girl I tell them you're a bit too old to go trick or treating so you can play a trick on me because I'm not giving you any candy. What are we talking, maybe 14 or 15 year olds? I'm not into giving candy to a teenager who can get a part time job and buy candy for himself or herself. Not to mention it's like a little past ten o’clock. What in heaven’s name are parents having these kids go trick or treating this late at night for? Anyway, I kind of drift off to sleep because the movie is so horrible and of course a little while later I hear pounding at the door. I take a look at my watch. It says eleven o’clock. “That’s it,” I mutter to myself. “I need to get my beauty sleep so I can get up early the next morning to go to my retreat. I’m gonna read these kids the riot act and tell them they are violating every curfew law imaginable and they are not getting any treat.”
As I open the door I see four people all of whom I recognize, dressed in silly Halloween costumes, Biff my boyfriend dressed as a vampire, Alocki dressed as a bug eyed alien, of course Alocki is a real alien from the planet Zatoris and she looks just like us. Alocki’s professor friend from Throop, Dick, who looks like Jude Law and who is dressed like, well a stereotypical professor or mad scientist, with big horned rimmed glasses and a trench coat, and lastly, Marissa, my roommate, dressed up like a princess.
“Fifi”, Biff shouted, “we’re all going to a big party hosted by my friend who lives in Chatsworth. It’s Halloween night! No reason to be sitting around watching TV like some old lady. On top of that tomorrow is Saturday. Come on and join us.”
I just stood there with arms folded. “I told you I’m going to my big retreat up near Big Bear early tomorrow morning. I can’t stay up late. I need to get my beauty sleep.”
“Oh come off it Fifi,’ Dick answered. “You're still young. You can handle getting by on just a few hours sleep. We're gonna have a jolly old time at Biff’s friend's place and you don't want to miss it. Biff’s friend is a retired wealthy software developer and owns a mansion right Biff?”
“Right Dick,” Biff answered. “So Fifi are you coming?”
“All right, all right I'll go for a little while. Maybe for an hour or so, who do I go with? Oh for heaven’s sake I don't have a costume or anything…”
“You can go with Marissa and me in my Merga, Fifi.” Alocki answered. “Dick, you and Biff can go up in Biff’s car.”
“You people also forget this is a costume party. I mean it's a bit too late to go to any costume store right now. So what I do I do? Put some holes in a bed sheet and go as a ghost?”
“You’re a struggling actress, Fifi” Biff said. “Play yourself.”
"Excuse me I need to get something,” I told my guests and left them waiting at the door for a few minutes. I came back wearing an old blue t-shirt that said HOLLYWOOD on it in bright gold lettering.
“All right, I’m a struggling actress. Let’s go and like I said let’s make this short. I want to be back no later than 2 AM.”
As we headed up to Biff’s friend's place Marissa turned to me. “So Fifi what kind of retreat are you going to. You never really told me. Is it like a Buddhist retreat or something like that?”
“You know I'm not a Buddhist Marissa. Both Alocki and Marissa stifled laughter. I glared at both of them in silence.
“I'm sorry Fifi,” Alocki answered quietly. “You are participating in a noble cause and I appreciate anyone pursuing noble causes.”
“So why are you two laughing at me as though I’m some kind of quack?”
“You are not a ‘quack’ Fifi.” Alocki answered. “Again Marissa and I appreciate that you are undertaking this noble cause. It's just that there is no scientific or physical evidence of anyone ‘leaving their body’ or meeting anyone who has passed on.”
“Well I'm gonna prove you skeptics and atheists you're all wrong. I mean I read all kinds of stories on the net about people who have gone on retreat with these people and they all say they have had the most profound experiences in their lives.”
“Alocki and I are just wishing the all the best for you Fifi. It's just that there are a lot of con artists and we hope you're not being taken.”
“Look Marissa, we can all now agree that Alocki is an alien from another planet. But if we told some expert atheist like Alocki's big-mouthed friend Dick, he would just laugh at us right? So if UFOs and aliens are real why can’t astral travel and OBEs be real?”
Alocki and Marissa both laughed. “You're right Fifi, you're right.” Marissa answered.
After about 45 minutes we arrived at Biff's friend's place. It's an eerie looking old mansion in the middle of nowhere. A lot of people wearing all kinds of silly looking costumes are going in and out of the mansion. The music, a mixture of oldies rock and today's music, is really loud but as there are no nearby neighbors, nobody's worried about the police coming.
The door makes a loud creaking sound when it opens, and we are greeted by an ugly deformed man. “My name is Ogar. My master will be here to meet you in a few minutes.”
“You're probably the handsomest looking hunk in the world behind that silly costume right?” I jokingly tell Ogar."
"OF COURSE I AM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,” Ogar answers.
After a few minutes we're greeted by a very distinguished looking sixty-something gentleman who looks, Omigosh, like a certain famous English horror actor back in the 30s and 40s. I mean the guy was the spittin’ image…”
The gentleman smiles at us. “Good evening ladies I’m your host. My name is Ludwig. Welcome to my ‘Monster Bash.’ Biff has told me all about you. You’re Marissa, you’re Alocki and…”then he looks at me, “your name is Fifi, like the name of a cat. I have a fondness for cats…especially black cats…”
“Alocki and I are gonna look for Biff and Dick, Fifi. We’ll see you later. Nice meeting you Ludwig,” Marissa casually interrupted.
"Nice meeting you two girls," Ludwig responded. His voice got quiet but I could clearly hear him over all the party noise.
I stayed on and continued my conversation with Ludwig. “Well I’m so glad you think my name is like that of a cat.” I mockingly shouted to Ludwig over the party noise. “I happen to be a cat lover too.” In reality cats are one of my least favorite animals. “By the way, you look just like the spitting image of…well you know who…tell your make-up artist he or she did an unbelievable job. Not only do you look like him, you talk just like him too.”
Ludwig smiled at me. “I'm not wearing any disguise. I just happen to look and talk like the...famous actor you mentioned.”
“Omigosh, you could make a killing appearing at all kinds of functions impersonating him.”
“Yes dear girl I could make a killing but I much more enjoyed being a software developer. I made a lot of money in stock options and now I'm retired. My hobbies now are collecting stamps and traveling.”
The next thing I know I see a huge bat flying over everybody and everybody is like screaming. The bat flies up into the rafters, “Omigosh,” I shout to Ludwig, “That is so neat. You’ve actually got a pet bat”
" Of course I've got a trained bat dear girl," Ludwig answered as he took a sip of his drink.
The next thing I know someone taps me on the shoulder. I look behind me and see the spitting image of...another famous vampire."
"Fifi this is my best friend Gothar...He's a retired neurosurgeon." Ludwig softly told me.
Gothar stared at me and pointed two fingers at his eyes. “LOOK INTO MY EYES FIFI. LOOK INTO MY EYES.” I mean the fella talked just like the ‘other famous horror actor,’ Eastern European accent and everything.
I looked into his eyes. I looked into his eyes and the next thing I know I’m back at my Van Nuys apartment and I hear pounding at the door. “Omigosh,” I tell myself. “It was just a darn dream.” I answer the door and guess what? I see my four friends dressed in the same costumes as they were dressed in my dream.
“Fifi”, Biff shouted, “we’re all going to a big party hosted by my friend who lives in Chatsworth. It’s Halloween night! No reason to be sitting around watching TV like some old lady. On top of that tomorrow is Saturday. Come-on and join us.”
I just stare at them a few seconds and shake my head.
“What is on your neck Fifi? Did you cut yourself?” Alocki tells me.
“What? "I answer and touch the left side of my neck, "OMIGOSH WHERE DID THOSE TWO LITTLE HOLES ON MY NECK COME FROM?"