We didn't put a Christmas tree up, nor did we put out any decorations. Why should we??
We don't feel like celebrating Christmas. To us, it's just another day, another slap in the face, another reminder that Josh isn't here with us.
The children know their daddy is gone: they don't know that he won't be coming back. Josh, Jr., and Sarah Grace are too little to understand the concept of death and the fact that Daddy was killed in battle. Oh, I told them, but they just don't understand. They look up at me, hope on their little faces, and act as if their daddy is just across the street when, in reality, he is dead.
I did get them some toys that a local charity donated, but that's about it. As for me, I didn't get anything for myself. I don't feel like having Christmas, not without Josh here!!
I miss Josh terribly. It's only been a few short months (Josh was killed in June, just six months ago) and the pain is as fresh, as real, as if it happened only yesterday. I know Josh wanted to serve his country, but really?? Was it worth his getting killed by insurgents?? Now two babies are left without their daddy, and I have become widowed at the age of 25!
You know something? Life just isn't fair sometimes!
Don't tell me to pray to God. As far as I am concerned, God no longer exists in my world. If God loved me, He would have somehow protected Josh from dying over there in Iraq! He would have done something, like send angels to guard him or get Josh out of a particularly bad situation, but noooo ... Josh ended up dying and I am left, shaking-scared, angry, and shaking my fist as I rage at God.
I guess I deserve it. I have been selfish and thinking of only myself. I haven't been out of the house excepting to take the kids to their playdates or to their appointments, but other than that, I stay home. I don't want to be around anybody and when I AM around people, I close myself up and dont' talk to a soul.
Yes, I am having a pity party. Why shouldn't I?? I have two babies to care for and my husband joins the service only to get himself killed?? I have lost everything and I don't even know where to start, to pick up my life again!! I miss Josh now more than EVER!!!
If there is anything I want for Christmas, it is this: I want this damned nightmare to END!! No, I want my husband back ... ALIVE!!!!