I sit here by Caden's side here at the hospital and I am trying to see good in this situation ... but fait to do so.
All I see is the bad.
I mean, look at what's going on. My son, who is three, lies in a hospital bed, unaware of what's going on or what is happening to him. He is in a drug-induced coma, so his body can rest while doctors and nurses tend to his every need. He has a very rare bacterial infection and right now, things don't look that good. There is a chance that my precious little Caden Jeremiah could die.
I have been camped out here for the past few days, since he first took sick. He started having trouble breathing and a rising fever; he then started having seizures, so he was rushed to the local hospital by ambulance. Well, the doctors there decided he needed more specialized care, so they flew him here to Galveston, where he is now safely in the PICU at Gulfland Medical Center.
I have been living in clothes I haven't changed since this ordeal first started five days ago. I stink. My hair is a mess. I know people must think that I am a homeless hobo or that I must have some screws loose inside my head. I'm sorry. My son's health comes first and right now he needs me, his mommy. I am not leaving this place until I know for certain that Caden is going to be okay.
I have been spending lots of time in prayer or in the Word, doing my journaling and devotions, wondering what God has to say to me in all this. He keeps telling me the same thing over and over again: "Be still and know that I am God". Maybe so, but right now I am feeling anything but at peace. I feel a mixture of emotions: anger, frustration, denial, sadness, jealousy, envy, pride. None of them good. I am trying to feel joyful, but how can you even FEEL joyful when it is YOUR child lying in that hospital bed??
I want to tell God to stick His halo where the sun doesn't shine, but that isn't wise, so I just keep quiet and try to do as He would want. I just want Caden to open his eyes or the doctors to tell me that my boy has passed the critical stage of his illness. (Caden has MRSA.)
While I am here with Caden, my husband, Philip, and our other two children, daughters Carolina and Cristina (ages 5 and 9) are home. When Philp is at work, then Mother (his mom) stays with the girls. It is comforting to know that the girls are being well cared for, but I miss them. I miss being with them. I miss Philip. I miss Mother. I want nothing more than my son to recover from his illness and for our family to be together once again!
I don't konw how long Caden will be here, but if he ever recovers from this thing, I will be doing a lot of apologizing to God for doubting Him and to learn to trust IN Him, fully and completely, and let Him deal with this situation as He sees fit.
I will write in a few days to let you know how things are faring. Just keep Caden (and my family) in your prayers; we all could really use a miracle, but Caden needs it the most; after all it is HE who is sick, NOT the rest of us! I would greatly appreciate it! Thanks in advance!
~Monica Johnston, Santa Fe, Texas (now in Galveston).
~To be continued.~