Stars Blog/Finding Light In the Darkness
I wish at times I didn’t feel like such a kid, every noise lately nearly sends me jumping. I mean I know I am doing my best to give it to the Lord, and I admit I am doing better than I was, but I still see the monster in the shadows.
I guess in my mind I have always called my birth Father the monster, he was someone to fear, this great big powerful being who wanted to hurt me and succeeded time and time again he succeeded it got to the point that I started deserving I deserved this kind of treatment. I know better than that now, I know it was his evil that made him do these things not some small sin I committed. It was my parents, the Baxters who showed me that.
My parents went away on a business trip this week, they run a bookstore and are looking into expanding. I guess it is no wonder that Hope graduated with dual degrees in Journalism and Creative Writing, and I am aiming to do the same. When you grow up around books you tend to love them for life. When I first came to the Baxters they were a means of escape for me, but now I just enjoy reading period.
Hope works as a freelance author for a magazine now, and is working on a novel. I have read what she has written some far and I say it’s good, but maybe as her sister I am biased? I really do think she has talent though, obviously other people see her gift too because they keep asking her to write articles, and the such. I am just happy that Hope is doing what she loves and she can keep her own hours. That means a lot to Hope and it means a lot to me too, because that means she can be here with me while Mom and Dad are gone.
I know I am a young girl of eighteen now, not some little girl, but I still enjoy spending time with my sister, and I would want her here even if this were not all happening. In fact I wish she could be here under normal circumstances, but this is far from normal.
What is normal anyway?
I mean is their really a such thing as normal. It certainly doesn’t seem like it lately, and maybe normal is overrated, but in this case I don’t think so. I would rather have the normalcy than this madness.
I really am grateful I have the support of my family though. I could not do this without them but more importantly I could not do this without the Lord.
I am so glad I have the faith now that I did not have as a little girl. I am so glad I have that power over the monsters.
I know now I cannot spend my life, fearing what may lurk in the shadows, because I have the light shining in my life.
Such an awesome brilliant light, yet sometimes I still let myself fear. I still worry about what he may try.
I have seen what the monster is capable of, I have lived through that hell, and I can only pray that he is not doing the same to someone else.
No one deserves to be treated that way.
I know that now, I wish I had known that as a little girl. I wish I had been able to do something to stop him from doing the things he did to me.
I can’t live in the past though, I know that. That chapter of my life has closed. I am so glad it has.
The Lord opened a new more beautiful chapter, and I know I need to embrace that. I have embraced that. I have a loving family, not people who want to hurt me but those who want to love me and show me what it is to be a woman of God. I am grateful for that, and I am grateful that I have faith in the Lord.
I am in a much better place than I was just a few years ago.
It seemed like an eternity ago, but it really was only a few years ago that I came to America, a scared abused girl, now I am a determined young woman, and the reason I am that is because of the faith the people around me had, and more importantly my faith in the Lord.
I still get those vague threats via email, from him. I know they are from him, because he has told me as much, now I am certain he is alive. Yes I am still scared of this monster, but I have been given it over to the Lord and that has helped.
Thank you Jesus for that.
I have faith that no matter what happens the Lord is with me, but I am not taking stupid chances either. I am going on with my life, because I can’t let that just end, I can’t just stay hidden forever, but I am not taking stupid risks either.
I am still speaking out though, and will continue to speak out, because what happened to me by the very people who were supposed to help me. No person in the world should have to endure the things I endured.
Yet sadly I know they do, that and worse. And that is why I have to speak out, that’s why I have to make a difference, because I was given a second chance. Others deserve a second chance too.
No one deserves to think that they are not worth anything, that they are just garbage.
God doesn’t make garbage.
I didn’t know that as a little girl in that dark dingy room, squat down on the dirt floor. I don’t want anyone to feel the way I felt then, but some do, and that breaks my heart. I have to make a difference, I have to speak out, even if it means I have to step out of my comfort zone, and tell my story, as painful as it is.
I was a little girl, no more than three or four the first time he raped me. At least the first time I remember. He may have done it before, but I remember this more than anything.
I am sitting on the dirt floor, in a thin torn skirt, no shoes, and a shirt that is three sizes to big. He comes at me, he looks hungry.
I am scared. I cry.
He beats me until I bleed, and proceeds to do what he came to do.
If you tell anyone I will kill you.
Death would be better than this, even as a tiny girl I know this.
I am dirty marked, scared.
He strikes again and again, it hurts. I keep bleeding, I cry, he beats me more, and then rapes me again and again.
I wake from the dream screaming. Hope comes running to my room.
“Star what is it?”
Even now after all the years, after everything I have told her. I still have trouble putting it into words, putting the pain into words, but I know Hope is patient, and she is going to let me tell her at my own pace.
“I had a nightmare, about the first time I remember being raped, being raped by him. It was so vivid I thought I was there,”
“You’re not though Star, you are safe here with me.”
“I know but the dream, it was so real.”
“I know it was Star, and I am sorry you have to face memories like that, but do not forget you have strength in the Lord, you have overcome all of that. You were given a second chance.”
“I know Hope, and I am grateful, right now I am just scared.”
The first time I had told Hope about what happened to me she had shuttered, frightened even to hear the words. She no longer did that though, instead she just offered me a steady hand of comfort.
Five years and the dreams were still there, not dreams really, more like nightmares. I prayed they would stop soon. I did not want to continue to be haunted by these nightmares, but knowing that he was alive, that his death had been a ruse the nightmares had come back.
Lord let these nightmares go away, let me get back to the semblance of a normal life. I do not living in fear like this, and I do not like waking up in the middle of the night screaming. I appreciate everything you have done for me Lord. You have blessed me richly, but I am asking to be blessed, blessed with being able to sleep without the nightmares.
“I’m sorry Hope for waking you. I didn’t mean to frighten you.”
“Star you have no reason to be sorry.”
“I woke you.”
“Star it’s okay don’t worry about it. I can go back to sleep in a bit. Are you okay?”
“Yes I think so.”
“It’s okay Star. You are going to get through this.”
“I know Hope, thank you.”
“Are you going to be okay now. Would you like me to stay here until you fall asleep?”
“Will you stay?” I knew I sounded like a child but at the moment I didn’t care.
“Of course Star.”
“I feel like such a baby, but that dream was horrible.”
“You are not in that place anymore Star, it was only a dream.”
“It is now, but then it was something I had to live with.”
“I am sorry Star you ever had to endure that. You know God doesn’t want any of his children to have to go through that kind of pain and torture.”
“I know Hope.”
Hope was true to her word, as she always had been and stayed until I finally drifted off to sleep. Thankfully this time I did not wake up screaming to horrible nightmares, horrible memories, I woke up the next morning feeling refreshed. I had spent some time talking to the Lord and that had helped as had talking to Hope.
I woke up the next morning to the phone ringing it was Mom and Dad letting us know they were okay, that everything was going well. I was relieved to hear from them, but I did not tell them about the dream. I had no reason to worry them, it was only a dream. Mom and Dad needed to focus on the business and they couldn’t do that if they were worrying about me having the nightmares like I had before.
I was an adult now I was going to have to handle this. Thankfully I had my sister there to help me.
“We are going to go forward with this, we are expanding the bookstore. Opening a few more stores.”
“Mom that’s great news, can we afford it?”
“Yes we can Star, God has really been blessing us.”
“Thank you Jesus.”
“Amen to that.”
I handed the phone to Hope after I had talked to both Mom and Dad. They were both excited about opening new stores and I was excited for them. This was a great opportunity for my family and I was glad we had it. God was certainly blessing us. I had to believe he would not let the monster tare us down.
In the middle of the night a few nights later, the phone woke Hope and I out of a dead sleep. It was late so we knew it wasn’t my parents calling, we let the answering machine pick up. The voice on the other end was a voice I had prayed I would never have to hear again. I knew though I couldn’t let the voice on the machine scare me. I couldn’t let him paralyze me in fear.
I couldn’t give him that power.
“I will come and get you, you are my property. I am going to make your life miserable.” He spoke in broken English, but I knew what he was saying.
“We are going to have to give the police the tape from the answering machine.” Hope said, reading my thoughts.
“I know Hope. I wish this was over, that he would just give up.”
“We are praying that he does, but we have to let the police do their jobs too.”
“I know Hope.”
“Star you are going to get through this okay.”
“I know Hope, you keep telling me that.”
“Sorry Star, I am just wanting to encourage you.”
“No I am sorry Hope, I didn’t mean to be so snappy, it’s just between the dreams, and this phone calls I haven’t been getting much sleep, and I don’t know when I will.”
“Star you need to get your rest.”
“Hope you are starting to sound like Mom.”
“Well Mom’s right.”
I was exhausted but I knew sleep was not going to come easily. I would have to wait until we took the tape over to the police department.
“Star you are exhausted, I am driving us to the station. It wouldn’t be safe for you too.”
I didn’t argue with Hope. I couldn’t if I had wanted too, because she was right. I knew that with my level of exhaustion I should not be driving. Hope was right, I didn’t need to be behind the wheel, and I had to get some rest. It was getting to where I was getting snippy with people who were trying to help me. I hated being like that, even though Hope understood I felt bad because I knew I should not be acting this way.
“I know Hope I have no problem with you driving. I just wish this wasn’t happening.”
“I do too Star.”
“I know you do, and thank you for being here for me.”
“Star I am glad that I could be here to help you.”
Later that afternoon after we had got back from the Police Station and I had taken a nap I turned to my Bible reading Psalm 86. I had calmed down and felt much better after the nap and I was grateful for that.
A prayer of David.
1 Hear me, LORD, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.
2 Guard my life, for I am faithful to you;
save your servant who trusts in you.
You are my God; 3 have mercy on me, Lord,
for I call to you all day long.
4 Bring joy to your servant, Lord,
for I put my trust in you.
5 You, Lord, are forgiving and good,
abounding in love to all who call to you.
6 Hear my prayer, LORD;
listen to my cry for mercy.
7 When I am in distress, I call to you,
because you answer me.
8 Among the gods there is none like you, Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.
9 All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you, Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.
10 For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
you alone are God.
11 Teach me your way, LORD,
that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
12 I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
13 For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths,
from the realm of the dead.
14 Arrogant foes are attacking me, O God;
ruthless people are trying to kill me—
they have no regard for you.
15 But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
16 Turn to me and have mercy on me;
show your strength in behalf of your servant;
save me, because I serve you
just as my mother did.
17 Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, LORD, have helped me and comforted me.
The words in Psalm 86 spoke to my heart, because I had lived through my enemies putting shame on me. In this case my enemies were my birthparents especially my birth Father. But despite everything the Lord had seen me through that and I was grateful for that. The Lord gave me the comfort I needed, and I knew that I had power in the Lord.
“Star you look much better than this morning.”
“Hope I feel much better. What do you think the police are going to do to help find him? I am believing they are going to be able to stop him.”
“I don’t know but I think they are doing everything in their power to catch him. They consider these terrorists threats so they are going to put all their power into this. I have to believe that.”
Thank you Lord for giving me the rest I needed, and letting it not be interrupted by nightmares. I have been having far too many of those lately. Thank you Lord for giving the police and the FBI the wisdom to do everything in their power.
Because of these being terrorists threats they were being turned over to the FBI. I knew that and I found comfort in knowing something was being done.
“I know Star, everything is being done. I am grateful for that, grateful it’s in the FBI’s hands.”
“So am I.”