Why can’t I do this? Why can’t I get this number right, why can’t I move to the rhythm.
Sienna woke up, her forehead lined with sweat, her pillow damp from sweat and tears.
Why am I having a dream like this? What’s going on? I haven’t felt this way before.
She stared into the darkness, the only light from the glow in the dark stars and moon on her wall. She could remember climbing on the ladder when she was ten, to reach the ceiling and place them there. Kelsea holding the ladder steady. She should have been scared then, of the height, but she wasn’t, and she had never been afraid of being on the dance floor, so why was she having dreams like this.
Slowly her eyes accustomed to the semi darkness, which was a good thing, because Sienna knew sleep was not happening anymore tonight. Every time she drifted off she had a nightmare, and that was strange because even after she was shot she wasn’t prone to have nightmares. She could not remember one in the months she had spent in the hospital, and now here she was at home, living her life, and she was having these horrible dreams.
Falling, falling, an endless stairway, it never seems she lands. She is crying out for help but no one is listening.
Sienna fumbled for the remote by her bed. The remote that went to the 32 inch Sony Flat Screen that sat on her dresser. She needed the noise something to get her mind off the bad dreams she was having.
“There will be a time Sienna when you are lying in your room late at night, unable to sleep, that everything that happened to you will hit you. Grief may not come right away but mark my words it will come.” The therapist had told Sienna during her time in the hospital.
Is this how my grief is manifesting itself Lord?
Finally Sienna pulled the covers from her lifeless legs, and began crying, in quiet sobs. She did not want to wake her family this was something she had to do alone. They could not grieve for her. Sienna knew that tears were okay as long as they didn’t become such a part of her life that they took over. She was not going to be swallowed up in self-pity, but neither could she hold the tears at bay anymore. At this moment she was tired of being strong.
Lord forgive me I know I have so much to be grateful for, but right now I am hurting. I don’t understand why this happen, why I was shot? I did not ask for this, and I don’t feel that I deserved it, but here I am. My legs are dead, because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Sienna grabbed the Bible from her nightstand, leaving her television on low, and began reading. She needed to keep her mind on the Lord, and not on feeling sorry for herself. She would grieve and that was okay, but she was not going to allow herself to be overcome by that grief.
Sienna turned her Bible to Proverbs 3 and let the words touch her heart, her very soul.
Wisdom Bestows Well-Being
1 My son, do not forget my teaching,
but keep my commands in your heart,
2 for they will prolong your life many years
and bring you peace and prosperity.
3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
4 Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.[a]
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.
8 This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.
9 Honor the LORD with your wealth,
with the firstfruits of all your crops;
10 then your barns will be filled to overflowing,
and your vats will brim over with new wine.
11 My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline,
and do not resent his rebuke,
12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
as a father the son he delights in.[b]
13 Blessed are those who find wisdom,
those who gain understanding,
14 for she is more profitable than silver
and yields better returns than gold.
15 She is more precious than rubies;
nothing you desire can compare with her.
16 Long life is in her right hand;
in her left hand are riches and honor.
17 Her ways are pleasant ways,
and all her paths are peace.
18 She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her;
those who hold her fast will be blessed.
19 By wisdom the LORD laid the earth’s foundations,
by understanding he set the heavens in place;
20 by his knowledge the watery depths were divided,
and the clouds let drop the dew.
21 My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight,
preserve sound judgment and discretion;
22 they will be life for you,
an ornament to grace your neck.
23 Then you will go on your way in safety,
and your foot will not stumble.
24 When you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.
25 Have no fear of sudden disaster
or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked,
26 for the LORD will be at your side
and will keep your foot from being snared.
27 Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
when it is in your power to act.
28 Do not say to your neighbor,
“Come back tomorrow and I’ll give it to you”—
when you already have it with you.
29 Do not plot harm against your neighbor,
who lives trustfully near you.
30 Do not accuse anyone for no reason—
when they have done you no harm.
31 Do not envy the violent
or choose any of their ways.
32 For the LORD detests the perverse
but takes the upright into his confidence.
33 The LORD’s curse is on the house of the wicked,
but he blesses the home of the righteous.
34 He mocks proud mockers
but shows favor to the humble and oppressed.
35 The wise inherit honor,
but fools get only shame
Finally around four a.m. Sienna was able to drift off to sleep. She had all but given up on getting any real sleep, so the couple of hours was going to have to do.
Lord thank you for letting me get through this night. I know you love me and want the best for me, and I know that you are going to do everything you can to help me through this. I am going to be fine Lord, I know that because I know I have you to lean on. Thank you for letting me let some of those tears go. I know now that I should not have held them in for so long.