Sometimes, I asked myself if I was doing this because I had already built some level of anger. No I wasn’t. It was just life. I doubted that couples, all couples, truly stay together forever, until death do them part.
That morning, I awoke see a note telling me that everything was prepared in the kitchen. Never mind the kids, they were picked up by the nanny and taken to day care and she had to go to work early for a project that she had to finish. She apologized for not spending enough time with me but, she knew that I would understand, I always did, kiss, kiss. She’d see me later and we’d chat.
I chuckled then tumbled on my other side so that I could burrow my head beneath pillows and the warm embrace of our down comforter. Sometimes, I really did not know if the life I was leading was a sign of lucky breaks or the sad reality of a fast life I led with Lucilla and the children. Why did she not inquire, investigate, even? Then she could scold me, get mad. She could threaten that she would leave me take the kids with her so that I could never see them again. But none of that happened. Should I wish for it? I don’t know. When I finally tell her about my plans, I just hope that it be amicable.
Oh, how dare me (to even wish it)! How dare me!
There was a sad ring in my heart for the plans I was about to hatch. Since there was nothing to do that morning, I decided to take a walk in my old haunts, even those places before I met Lucilla; revisit my miserable youth and “growing up” years when I had seen the world and had not truly found the love-of-my-life, my soul mate. There was the movie theater. I could see it a few blocks from the lake, that part where the lake curved elegantly and formed a tiny bay with a fountain spouting from its shallow depths. The string of light bulbs that made the lake its jewel were remnants of my long walks when I reflected upon my future, the future that I was now living. The bench at one far end of the lake facing the downtown core never failed to stop me like a siren as I discovered an arm of the lighted building across the lake. And now, I truly was moving on, forward I hoped to a new life I believed was better than what I was living; though the life I was living was not bad at all.