Our 1st Time
I was so stupid. I knew long before I decided to be with him that he was not a virgin. He had been with plenty of girls, and he didn’t stay with them if they didn’t give him what he wanted. His sister, my friend, brought me to his house to hang out one day. We were really only going over there because she wanted to see the boy her parents didn’t approve of, and her brother allowed them to see each other at his house. The moment I walked through the door, he was into me. He made it so we were always sitting by each other, he constantly was trying to hold my hand, and he did everything to make it so we were alone together. I acted like I didn’t notice or care, and this made him try harder. Deep down I was into it. It was the first time anyone noticed me. I had never had anyone pay so much attention to me. That night my friend called her parents and told them she was staying at my house. My parents either hadn’t noticed I was gone, or more likely just didn’t care. We watched a movie, Artificial Intelligence. My friend and her guy were cuddling which left me with her brother. I didn’t mind the holding hands and that’s how it all started. At first, I ignored him when he kissed my cheek and neck, but eventually I turned into him and experienced my first real kiss. This was all the farther I wanted to go, so when he tried to put his hands down my pants and up my shirt, I pulled them away. He respected my boundaries and stopped every time, but this didn’t stop him from continuing to try. He tried to get me to touch him, but I refused and eventually he gave up. We fell asleep together, my head on his shoulder, and at that point I considered it the best night of my life. In the morning, he found out I didn’t have a phone. He drove me straight to Pamida and bought me a Tracfone. He put minutes on it for me and typed in his number. He said it was so we could talk to each other whenever I needed. When I left that morning, he text me and said that now I was his girl. I knew that I was supposed to have a choice in this, but I’d never been anybody’s anything, and to be honest, it felt wonderful to be cared about, so I told him yes, and from that point on we were official.
We talked back and forth for a few days. When I needed somewhere to go, I went to his place. When I didn’t need a place to be, I still went to his place. I skipped school constantly, and that was the beginning of the end of my friendship with his sister. It didn’t matter to me. She had been using me for years, and I was sick of it. School was boring, not to mention pointless for me. I didn’t need a teacher to teach me anything. If I read it I remembered it, and my grades proved it. I didn’t care what anyone thought, I liked seeing him. Every time we were together he always wanted to go further. Eventually I got tired of him pushing, so I started ignoring him. The more I ignored him, the worse the messages got. He threatened me, and by this time his sister was angry with me as well, so she was also sending threatening messages.
It had almost been two weeks since I’d talked to him when I found myself alone with no place to go. It was the night before my birthday in October. It was one of the first really cold nights since spring and of course, I found myself having to leave my house very quickly. So quick that I hadn’t had time to grab my bag with my blanket and warmer clothes. Sitting inside a slide, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and jeans, trying to avoid the wind, I realized there was no way I would make it through the night. After checking with all of my other friends, his place was my last option. I walked to his house, which took me almost an hour since he lived 3 or 4 miles outside the opposite side of town that I started on. I didn’t know how he would react when he saw me, but desperate, I knocked on the door anyways. He opened the door to see me standing there shivering. At first he looked angry, but then he said, “I knew you couldn’t stay away.” He hugged me as he pulled me through the doorway. Instantly I felt the warmth, but before I could enjoy it, he slammed me against the door, causing it to close. At first I thought this had been an accident , but then I saw his eyes. They were way too familiar. I had grown up staring into those eyes.
At first they look so dark and empty. You lose yourself in them, like in a completely dark room. You’re falling through the floor into complete black emptiness. The black is so dark, it’s literally sucking you up, surrounding you, suffocating you, until you lose yourself. When you snap out of it, you’re still staring at them. You notice a small shine in them, a disgusting pleasure. Then it’s gone, and they’re staring right back at you. Anger floods through them, and this is when it’s time to look out.
I froze, staring at him in disbelief. I knew not to stare into their eyes when they look like this, but caught off-guard, I did just that and paid for it. “Where the hell have you been?” he yells while wrapping his hand around my throat. I quickly realize my mistake and switch my gaze to the floor. I don’t know his game yet, but I keep silent and this seems to be the right move. He lets go of me and as soon as my feet hit the floor, I turn to leave. Wrong move, he kicks me from behind and I fall to the floor instead. I usually didn’t cry anymore, but I’m not used to this behavior from him, so the tears roll down my face. He kneels beside me and asks if I’m sorry. I nod my head. He says, “Good, now you can make it up to me.” He walks into his bedroom. Not having a clue what he means by this, I stay curled up in the corner by the door. He yells, “Get in here!” and I snap out of it.
I hurry into the bedroom. I barely get through the doorway when he slams me against the wall again. Pushing me against the wall with his body, he pulls my pants and underwear down. I squirm beneath his grasp and scream, “NO!” He grabs my throat again and yells at me, “Shut Up! This is your fault. I’ll teach you to ignore me!” He releases his hand and I cough for air. I try to be quiet, but I’m sobbing in fear. Still pushing me against the wall, he slides his hands up my shirt to my breasts. Scared for my life I say nothing, and continue trying my hardest to be quiet. He continues touching me, and when he puts his fingers inside me I cry out again. He takes his other arm and elbows me hard in the face. I taste blood as it drips down over my lips.
Pushing his body closer and closer into me, I feel his dick go hard and push between him and my pelvis. I lose it again. I plead, “No, please, stop…I’m sorry.” He tells me it’s too late, and I hear his belt hit the floor as he drops his pants. When his dick touches me, skin on skin, I cry out more, “Please don’t, please! I’m sorry!” He ignores me, and I feel him trying to force it in. He gets frustrated when it doesn’t go in easy, and he slaps me. He says, “Oh, you are a virgin aren’t you…” He drops me to the floor, and lies on top of me. He forces my legs open and keeps trying. When I feel the tip go in just a little, I cry out, “No…” This time he puts his hand over my mouth and again tells me to shut up as he pushes in. I scream. It hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt before. Worse than any beating and any hit, kick, or punch I’ve ever taken.
He pushes in again, and again. As it burns, and tears further and further, I cry harder and harder. He thrusts harder than ever, one last time. I scream again. His whole body shutters. He groans and stops moving. The weight of his body falls on top of me. Crying still, I feel it slowly slide out of me as he goes limp. He gets up, and I roll into a ball, burying my face into the floor. He pulls his pants on and before leaving the room, he whispers, “Thank you, I love you,” in my ear. After he leaves I lie their motionless. I catch a glimpse of the clock. 12:10 am. I think, “Happy Birthday, I’m a teenager.” This sends more tears down my face. I want my pants back on. I want to get up and run from the room, bust through the front door, and never look back. I can’t move though, it hurts too badly.
After what must have been hours, he enters the room again. I had stopped crying, but quietly start again as I hide my face from him. He gently picks me up and places me on his bed. He brings my underwear and pants over and helps me slide them on. It still hurts. He leaves and comes back with a warm wash cloth. He wipes the blood off my face and pulls my hair behind my ear as he gently kisses my forehead. He lies down next to me and puts my head on his chest. He pulls the blankets over top of us and kisses the top of my head. Too afraid to move, I just cry on his chest while he lovingly strokes my hair until I fall asleep.
I don’t wake up until the light pours through his bedroom window. While he’s still sleeping, I quietly slide out of his bed. It still hurts to walk, but after a few steps I get the strength to leave. It has to be way past time for me to be at school, but I run in the opposite direction. I run the rest of the way out of town, and probably get halfway to the next town before collapsing in the ditch. I sob again. When I calm down a little bit, I take out my phone to look at the time. I forget all about the clock when I read a message that says, “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again, please come back.” I notice I have several missed calls, and more unopened messages saying the same thing. Still crying, I stand up and start walking towards his house. I rationalize, “He was just mad at me for ignoring him. He said he loves me. He’s really sorry, and it won’t happen again.”