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Lonnie Hicks

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Fractured Idioms-7/1/12
By Lonnie Hicks
Posted: Saturday, June 30, 2012
Last edited: Sunday, July 15, 2012
This short story is rated "PG" by the Author.
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           >> View all 439
An idiom is a terrible thing to waste. I know; no one asked.

Things I did not know


Butt may refer to:

  • Butt (volume), a unit of wine ( A butt of wine and pregnancies may be related-just saying)
  • Butt (archery), a target for practising archery
  • Butt (sailing), a joint between planks of wood on a ship
  • Butt (name)
  • Butt (Asian surname), a tribe from Kashmir in Pakistan and India
  • Butt (magazine)
  • Buttocks or butt
  • Butt joint, a woodworking joinery technique
  • Headbutt or butt, a blow administered with the head
  • Buttstock or butt, a part of a rifle or other firearm
  • The Butt, a 2008 novel by Will Self
  • Boston butt or pork butt, a pork shoulder
  • Part of a cigarette
  • Water butt or rainwater tank
  • Another word for an anus

          Butt-head, a character from Beavis and Butt-head

          "Butt Butt", a song by Monrose from Temptation

Testament—A special religious mint you get on your pillow at hotels

have a bone to pick with
In some countries bones are used instead of chopsticks for dining

hit or miss

When you miss your mouth trying to eat with bones

have heart in mouth

Cannibal Dining

rock the boat
When sharks attack

have the mullygrubs
An ancient Viking STD

have a mind of my own
Number one wish item on the Bimbo bucket list

Stature of Liberty Pose
Waitresses carrying flambe' drinks in a crowded bar

day person
Juggling one’s lovers, each of which may weigh 175 pounds

What's eating you?
Cannibal expression of love

nip and tuck
Robin Hood’s sidekicks

go beyond
Male bad aim at the toilet

saddle an animal up
Cowgirl style

pin money
Women who pin money in their bras

never; been better
Hitler’s Last Words

agitate for
A washing machine with political views

a paper tiger
A tiny tiger which can administer severe paper cuts.

Arouse the Dead
Futile attempt at love-making

a love nest
A bird come-on

on dangerous grounds
Five dollar lattes at Starbucks

be as sound as a dollar
Make me laugh

a dead duck
When zombies duck to avoid decapitation in Hollywood
"B" movies.

seep through
The pace at which truth arrives at the office watercooler

blame for

swap for

waste on

revolt against

make believe
A creeper talking to his wife

rule against
Nuns hitting palms with rulers

got to split
When two atoms divorce

rocky road
Ice Cream with a thousand calories

monkey with
A warning to Darwin which he ignored

stay abreast of
Every man’s dream

cock a snook
A snook is a firearm used during the Civil War

baptism of fire
Ceremony in the Greek Orthodox church involiving baptismal rites, fire and naked men.

a quantum leap
A style of leaping popularized by creepers

out of season
Wife has a headache

be off-colour
Interracial dating

in seventh heaven
When six heavens just won’t do

at some time sharp
When alarm clocks were also bowie knives

Make your mind up
Some people apply make-up to their minds to give the illusion of a brain.

cast a pall over
Those depressed friends who come over and suck the life out of you.

break through
Your desire to suddenly leave. See above

on the fly
When women look low when they think no one is looking

nearly fall off the chair
Rough love-play

very last
What a gentleman does for a lady in love-making

spit blood
What happens to a gentleman who does not obey the above rule

at a loss for words
The reduced speech capabilities of a gentleman above after spitting blood

stem to stern
Love-making instructions  some women secretly would like to give

a handful
Love-making instructions of some men would secretly like to have

straight out
When straight people out themselves

at a price
Love-making negotiations in certain cities

be in the pipeline
Those waiting for a puff on the pipe

Too many cooks
A joke at the annual “People Named Cook” convention

straight face
To be distinguished from the Gay Face

no hard feelings
Dirty joke

surf the Net
Mistakened belief by some that the  inter net can be used to catch fish or surf oceans

would if I could
Used with "if I could if I would"

pipe down
Intermission at the opium den Grand Opening

peek under the hood
The ruination of the KKK

hoist a few
An ancient Viking practice of drinking tankards of ale weighing as much as the  wife.
Also refers to hangings in the old west.

make a killing
Mafia motto
Dutch treat
Amsterdam gold

the missionary position
The false idea that missionaries had a favorite position

bid adieu to
What happens when you put your money in a bank

the shock of my life
Driving up and seeing the latest gas prices

be miles away
What to do if you hear gunshots

blow the joint

Not in anyone's face.

clap on
Bad news at the doctor’s

Save your breath
Best done to avoid drowning
in the air
The moment that babies reach their apogee in the baby tossing contest.

a man of many parts
A typo-actually should be an “f” in there.

wait tables
The mistaken belief that if you are patient tables will come to you.

heave up
Making a call on your knees on the porcelain phone

queue up

The letter “P” taunting the letter “Q” in the "P's" and "Q's" contest

take the sting out of
The false idea that bee stingers can cure cancer

hang in effigy
Effigy is a town in the old west.

pull out all the stops
The night before the wedding when a woman finally says yes to her boyfriend

sleight of hand
A skinny boy on his first date groping
put on weight
"But it is all muscle."

be out on ear
To be out on one’s ear is very painful
buzz word
Bee lingo

pull a fast one
A style of love-making

"I'll be fine"
The most common last words people utter just before fatal accidents along with "Crap!"

flush away
Where illegal drugs go to die in a police raid

for the sake of argument
An aggressive verbal attack which is justified by expressing a false deep concern for argument.

public enemy number one
Not to be confused with private enemies which are much more numerous

whip into
When gentle persuasion fails….

hang hat on
The kind of man many women long for

You're too much!
Husband complaining about his wife’s weight gain and wife complaining about her husbands weight gain

the hair of the dog
The myth that alcoholics use to blame the problem on dogs and their hair

get this  off my  chest
The primary reason for razors for women

keep house
The settlement in most divorces where the wife gets to..

have a one-track mind
The false 19th century notion that thoughts ran on tiny choo-choo tracks in the human brain.

in hot pursuit
An extremely warm kind of suit made out of cat hair and said to purr- hence the pur-suit name. (I know, but what the hell it's 2am)

be in a lather
having been ridden hard and put away wet

can’t have cake and eat it too
This is false. I had cake today and ate it in front of everyone

as sick as a dog
Chinese dog food will do this everytime

sympathize with
The daily Pity Party disguised as “support”

hypothesize about
The way some people spread lies and rumors

square accounts
Credit cards for people with square butts

get knuckles rapped
100 hours of listing to rap music will make your knuckles fall off.

glad hand
To glad-hand some one while slapping them on the back is to get a quick trip the cemetery

What's new with you?
Are you pregnant and unmarried?

sneer at
The new expression of love and affection in MTV videos see also "B**ch

go to the lavatory
The attempt to claim that the only thing which  goes on in bathrooms is handwashing

double over
Dirty joke

this here
A Clinton reference

fat and sassy
The idea that sassy can cover up fat, not”

a burning question
Medieval Europe and witches

boo off the stage
Not true . Boo’s alone have not removed a single politician from any stage.

go in circles
A one-legged duck

fly into a rage
Actually no matter how enraged you become you will not sprout wings or fly unless you get smacked in the face. Then yeah, sure.
by the seat of his pants
Henry VIII's pants were used as extra sails in his century to improve  maritime speeds

have oneself

hand out
Self- abuse

sleep over
A type of bunk beds

check out
You get check for 2 dollars after life has screwed you.

make sheep's eyes at
Sheep are sexy to sheep herders

fade from view
Your wallet after you give your teen a credit card

Fancy meeting you here!
A greeting for the other woman named “Fancy” while pointing at a Google map on your Iphone

do bits
What happens after at the meet up with “Fancy.”

fall through the cracks
The Camel Toe at the mall

body politic
A common tick found in most countries

bottom out
A two scratcher in the bottom at the bottom

speak of the devil
Politicians on the tele talking about one another

take the long view
If your nose is long and pointy you have no choice but to..

lead astray
A couple holding hands, at night, in the park, after midnight, drunk.

for sakes
Some Japanese girls dance for sakes'

like a shot
Most girls in a bar late at will say “Yes, thank you.”

There's the rub

go sky-high
A male head usually launched after a failure to communicate with a girl in a bar

dig at
The 7th inning stretch at a ballball game or what ladies do with thong underwear
or what baseball players do.

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