How do YOU plan on surviving the coming Zombie Apocalypse!
If you are a pussy, don't buy this book. Just the act of opening it will cause your puny mind to loose all control of your bowel movements. You will also become so impotent, not even Viagra will be able to help. If you're weak in the mind and want to read this book I have two suggestions.
One, kill yourself. When you get to the pearly gates tell St. Peter to suck it. On your way to hell, be happy knowing that after about fifteen minutes down there, you will be able to read this book. Plus you will really start liking Death Metal for some reason.
Two, go to prison. Get raped everyday by the Nation until your heart swells with agony and hatred. Construct a shiv made out of your fingernails and potato salad. And the next time they come for you stab them all in the nuts. You will spend the rest of your life in prison but at least you can read the book.
If, however, you ARE strong enough to handle this book - if you're the kind of guy whose genitals are so tough that you have to put sand in your condoms to feel any sensation, the kind of man that won't ask a girl out unless her boyfriend is within a two foot radius, the kind of man that goes bear hunting with nunchucks - then YOU, you are ready!
This book will not only teach you how to survive the zombie outbreak, but how to do it with STYLE. You will have a horde of zombie slaves! You will live in a palace! You will live like a king! YOU WILL BE WORSHIPED LIKE A GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If history has taught us anything, it is the fact that history has a tendency to repeat itself. Empires will rise and fall, plagues will decimate massive populations, and zombie outbreaks will destroy entire civilizations. The next zombie outbreak is coming, and therefore the purpose of this book is to prepare the reader for the inevitable. Do not be one of those people who think, “It won’t ever happen to me.”
It is going to happen to you, and unless you want to be holed up in some basement somewhere, shivering in horror as you watch the door slowly being torn apart by a never ending horde of flesh-eating monsters, with nothing to defend yourself with but a rolling pin and screams for mercy, then you’d better listen up!
You see, zombies have no mercy; they have no reasoning or logic at all. What they do have is a primal hunger for your brains. They will not retreat; they will constantly advance until they get their teeth into your brains, or until you destroy their rotten skulls with the elite zombie combat skills detailed in this must-read book.
But this is not just a must-read book. Our very survival as a species depends on your ability to combat these man-eating zombie bastards, and if you only read one book that will give you the ability to do this, then this is the book that you’ll want to read. With this prerogative in mind, we now begin our foray into the history and habits of our undead adversaries, which will be followed by some helpful pointers for dealing with them when they finally come for YOU, which they most certainly will, especially if you don’t buy (and maybe read) this book.
Easter Island is also thought to be the site of an ancient zombie outbreak.
Easter Island was settled by Polynesians, who traveled there by ship from two other islands 3,200 and 2,600 kilometers away, between the years of 300 and 400 AD. These people were masters of the sea, and this was how they defeated their foe – by sailing away from them. Scholars debate when the actual outbreak occurred, but they all concur that it was well before the 16th century.
As legend has it, the ordeal began one night during a ritual sacrifice. A ravenous bonfire was set in the middle of the sacrificial grounds. In accordance with tradition, the dancers were locked in a cage for a week before the celebration, to fast and prepare themselves for their six hour dance around the fire, after which the best dancer would be sacrificed upon a stone altar.
To be sacrificed was a great honor, and was said to bring great luck and wealth to the family of the deceased. However, conditions within the cage were horrific at best. In this particular harvest year, while condensed together among rats and their own feces, this group of dancers all contracted zombism.
When released from what had become their tomb, the recently zombified dancers immediately attacked the unsuspecting crowd. What followed was a brief but intense melee between the tribe’s warriors and the animated dancing dead. Think Thriller meets Beat It in a Pre-Columbian setting (with better costumes and choreography).