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COLIN M JARMAN

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The Quotable Film Critic
by COLIN M JARMAN  Colin M Jarman 

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Category: 

Arts/Entertainment

Publisher:  Blue Eyed Books ISBN-10:  1907338012 Type: 
Pages: 

200

Copyright:  Sep 1, 2010 ISBN-13:  9781907338014
Non-Fiction

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Blue Eyed Books
Blue Eyed Books - Quotable Film Critic

The Quotable Film Critic
"Bad" Movie Reviews and Film Criticism
Volume One: 2000 - 2010
A comical yet cut-throat collection of cinematic criticism covering actors, directors, producers, screenwriters and films ... Hollywood blockbusters, rom-coms, chick flicks, horror, musicals, children's, independent, art-house, animation.

This first volume of The Quotable Film Critic contains a comical yet cut-throat collection of cinematic criticism covering actors, directors, producers, screenwriters and films (action, thrillers, rom-coms, chick flicks, horror, musicals, children’s, independent, art-house, animation)

Actors from Ben Affleck to Catherine Zeta-Jones

Directors from Woody Allen to David Zucker

Movies from Avatar to Zoolander.

The Quotable Film Critic delivers some of the funniest, wittiest and harshest critiques on contemporary movie stars and their work. The bulk of the critical content comes from well-known movie critics in the popular media (print, TV & Radio and online).

The two thousand cutting comments in this book candidly appraise the gamut of movie-making from Hollywood to Bollywood, Oscar-winners to Razzie also rans, blockbusters to straight-to-video busts.

This initial volume covers the first 11 years of the 21st century (2000-10). Other volumes are planned to cover preceding eras of cinematic critical abuse. Future titles in The Quotable Film Critic series include …

Volume Two:        1980-1999

Volume Three:     1960-1979

Volume Four:       Pre-1960

For details of future publication dates, please visit the website at:

www.Blue-Eyed-Books.co.uk

Excerpt
TABLE OF CONTENTS
CHAPTERS

ACTORS
from Ben Affleck to Catrheine Zeta-Jones

SCREEN PARTNERSHIPS
from Mark Addy & Stephen Baldwin to Vince Vaughan & Owen Wilson

BEHIND THE SCENES (producers, directors, writers, etc)
from Woody Allen to David Zucker

MOVIES
from 2Fast2Furious to Zoom

BEN AFFLECK
Paycheck (2003) - The search for Ben Affleck’s career was abandoned last night due to poor weather and visibility, but will be resumed with air-sea rescue helicopters at daybreak.
Peter Bradshaw in The Guardian

JESSICA ALBA
Into The Blue (2005) - Jessica Alba ... every bit as gorgeous as the scenery but not quite so profound.
Connie Ogle in The Miami Herald

JENNIFER ANISTON
Marley & Me (2008) - What is it with Jennifer Aniston? Despite her presumably powerful post-Friends pulling power, America’s favourite wronged sweetheart (aka Brangelina’s third leg) seems pathologically unable to hitch herself to a decent movie.
Mark Kermode in The Observer

CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
Surviving Christmas (2004) - Applegate, as the sourpuss daughter, is about as appealing a love interest as last year’s turkey carcass.
Tim Robey in The Daily Telegraph

CHRISTIAN BALE
Terminator Salvation (2009) - Bale has the dazed belligerence of someone who has read Bravo Two Zero three hundred times and bloody loves it.
Ryan Gilbey in New Statesman

ERIC BANA
Lucky You (2007) - Bana is a competent actor with hard eyes, a blunt jaw and an alarming lack of screen charisma.
Rex Reed in The New York Observer

DREW BARRYMORE
Charlie’s Angels (2000) - Barrymore doing martial arts is still about as threatening as a cake.
Wendy Ide in The Sunday Herald

HALLE BERRY
Catwoman (2004) - Watching Berry run around in that getup I felt embarrassed, the way I do for people who put on makeup before climbing a StairMaster - it’s too much.
Wesley Morris in The Boston Globe

PAUL BETTANY
Wimbledon (2004) - Bettany does cut an incongruously pale and ethereal figure in the sports arena, as if Nicole Kidman had been cast in Bend It Like Beckham.
Jessica Winter in The Village Voice

JACK BLACK
Nacho Libre (2006) - An airtight packaging of the actor’s worst tendencies, with Jack Black tearing into the part like a burrito he knows he shouldn’t be eating.
Matt Pais on Metromix.com

BENJAMIN BRATT
Catwoman (2004) - Benjamin ‘Box Office Ebola’ Bratt is in this movie. The last time Ben was in a star vehicle it was Julia Roberts’ Cadillac Escalade.
Mark Ramsey on MovieJuice.com

NICOLAS CAGE
Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001) - Some of the unhappiest casting to be seen and dodgiest accents to be heard in the cinema, the worst offender being the barrel-chested, horse-faced Nicolas Cage.
Peter Bradshaw in The Guardian

NICOLAS CAGE
Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001) - Cage is about as life-enhancing as leprosy.
Paul Ross in The News of the World

JOHN CENA
12 Rounds (2009) - Cena is so wooden that one worries about his being in scenes with fire for fear that he’ll catch a spark and burst into flame.
James Berardinelli on ReelViews.net

GEORGE CLOONEY
Ocean’s Twelve (2004) - Clooney is so smug that he even puts Robbie Williams to shame.
Cosmo Landesman in The Sunday Times

KEVIN COSTNER
Dragonfly (2002) - Costner’s just a soggy slice of milquetoast here - not bad, mind you, but not what you’d call a square meal, either.
Kimberly Jones in The Austin Chronicle

DANIEL CRAIG
Quantum of Solace (2008) - Craig, unlike his Bondian forebears, isn’t so much debonair as he is dour. But it’s dourness with charisma, muscular dourness, more than a quantum of dourness.
Steven Rea in The Philadelphia Inquirer

RUSSELL CROWE
A Good Year (2006) - Russell Crowe and comedy. There’s a partnership that works about as well as the Arabs and Israelis.
James King

TOM CRUISE
The Last Samurai (2003) - Cruise seems to have confused the art of acting with the act of looking at something really hard.
Aaron Lazenby on FilmCritic.com

Along Came Polly (2004) - "Basically, a big-screen version of Dharma & Greg, but starring Jennifer Aniston - yes, it is that sickly."
Hadley Freeman in The Guardian

A Sound of Thunder (2005) - "Edward Burns is the kind of actor you cast as the hero when a piece of wood is unavailable."
Jason Anderson in The Toronto Globe and Mail

The Harry Potter series - "Daniel Radcliffe has built his career on nothing more than a pair of Potter-like spectacles. The boy can barely act."
Cosmo Landesman in The Sunday Times

Get Carter (2000) - "Sylvester Stallone is so artificial, tanned and leathery you could replace his mouth with a zipper and sell him as a pocketbook."
Desson Howe in The Washington Post

Clash of the Titans (2010) - "This clash is more like a mild ‘pressing together.’ "
Andrew Hedley on Flicks.co.nz

The Matrix Reloaded (2003) - "Call it: Exposition: The Movie! Or even better: A Brief History of Strange-Looking People Explaining the Plot to Keanu Reeves."
Sean Burns in The Philadelphia Weekly

Spiderman 3 (2007) - "About as thrilling as walking into a cobweb."
Chris Hewitt in The St. Paul Pioneer Press

Twilight: New Moon (2010) - "It’s Shakespeare on training wheels made for future Lifetime viewers."
Mark Ward on Richmond.com

You Don’t Mess With The Zohan (2008) - " ...then Rob Schneider arrives - the comedy tax in any Adam Sandler production."
Lisa Schwarzbaum in Entertainment Weekly

Mamma Mia! (2008) - "Cheesier than grilled halloumi. And the plot has more holes than a crocheted bikini."
Allison Pearson in The Daily Mail

Ocean’s Twelve (2004) - "Brad Pitt increasingly resembles Minnie Driver’s long-lost butch sister."
Peter Bradshaw in The Guardian

The A-Team (2010) - Feels like the cinematic equivalent of the BP disaster in the gulf: It’s a big-screen oil spill, a needless gushing of macho bluster and wild set pieces, and a waste of millions and millions of dollars.
Steven Rea in The Philadelphia Inquirer

Cars (2006) - Not the Bentley Turbo R with burr veneer of recent animations - more a second-hand Volvo with a bored-looking family inside.
Richard Bacon in The People


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