It's the story of childhood, the abuse I suffered and how I survived.
I wasn’t born defective, I was taught to believe I was. There is a line that separates who we actually are, and who we believe we are because of what we were taught. I wasn’t born with negative feelings about myself. It was learned. My teachers were my parents. Granted, they had rough lives, but that didn’t give them the right to pass it onto their child; me. This is my story about how I rose above the destructiveness of the previous generation to make myself a better man, and to realize I’m not so bad. Mostly, this was a healing process for me. Writing my thoughts and feelings down on paper and actually seeing the words helped me more than any doctor or therapist ever could. My hope is that this will inspire you to do the same thing and make you realize that you’re not so bad either.
There was no love or any kind of affection at home. I don’t remember either of my parents ever hugging me. I was the one who got all the beatings. For a long time I have wondered why. Why just me? I think I now have an answer to that. Before I was born my mother didn’t want me, and dad didn’t want a ready-made family. I wasn’t “their” child. So, I think they expressed this by abusing me. I was unwanted, and in some sort of subconscious way they made it known. So, as a result of that I’ve grown up to be a very needy person. I crave attention and affection. Maybe that’s why I’ve sought attention from other women besides my wives. I would do almost anything (destructive or not) to gain acceptance or attention. Believe me; I have done a whole shitload of stupid and dangerous things to achieve that goal.