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Marry YourSelf First!
Everyone wants advice on relationships. Plus, single and divorced men and women want dating advice for women and dating advice for men. After all the books about relationships, you’d think that these negative relationship trends would reverse…NOT!I wrote Marry YourSelf First!® because I discovered that most people don’t know how to effectively handle relationship issues. Furthermore, I saw too many of my clients losing the after divorce dating game.
In the midst of the economic and recent world news, let us be reminded of the following: Divorce rates still hover at 50%, second time marriages are at 60%, and third time marriages are somewhere around 70%.
10% (or more) of the U.S. population has a problem with alcohol.
Another 10% (more or less) has a problem with other drug abuse.
Somewhere around 8% are clinically depressed and another 10% (give or take) are suffering from clinical anxiety.
One in three women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime…probably a conservative number since much of this is never reported.
What do these stats have to do with each other? Most people still don’t know how to have a healthy relationship with others OR with themselves!
I decided to take it upon myself to change all that, so I wrote Marry YourSelf First! as a launching point for my mission.
Here’s the primary Marry YourSelf First! objectives that many people are missing:
•A clearly defined Life Purpose
•A powerful Life Vision
•Fully Utilizing Values and Priorities
•Developing Powerful (and Lasting) Boundaries
•Using effective Deal-Makers and Deal-Breakers
•Developing an easy Life Balance System
•Highly effective Communication and Assertiveness Skills
•Creating effective Support Networks
•Attaining Completion from Past Hurt and Loss
After over 20 years in the trenches and on the frontlines as a psychotherapist and relationship coach with thousand of clients, I’ve decided that it’s time to make a stand…and I could use some help getting the message out!
Marry YourSelf First! Why Should You?
A Little Share
On April 21st, 1993, a judge legally dissolved our marriage, and my newly official ex-wife and I walked out of the courthouse. As we left, we turned and hugged each other, and we both broke into a fit of sobbing. We whispered to each other, “I’m sorry.” We let go of each other, turned and went our own separate ways toward our new single-again lives.
My father accompanied me that day to lend his support, and he and I had taken a few steps when he said, “I don’t understand you two,” referring to the warm embrace he had just witnessed. I didn’t try to explain it to him, as I didn’t understand it much better than he did. In fact, I wasn’t sure I understood the whole seven years of our relationship.
That was the beginning of the journey that eventually brought me to today…and to Marry Myself First!
I’m an unfortunate divorce statistic. In 1993, as my former marriage was ending, I fell into the darkest time of my life. I’d just completed my graduate studies in counseling and had worked in the human services field for quite a number of years. I had proclaimed myself as “THE Relationship Expert.” As I was going through the divorce process I thought to myself, "I should know better than this; I understand human behavior and relationships; I know how to communicate effectively; I’m THE Relationship Expert. How could this be happening to me?"
I wrestled with profound heartache over the next couple of years. I also had some enlightening realizations. Nothing I’d learned through my professional training and experience helped me have a good concept of who I really was, where I was going in my life, what was truly important to me, or what it was I needed from a life partner. I also came to realize that I didn’t like being by myself; and I apparently (but mostly unconsciously) thought my marriage would bring me comfort from loneliness and “complete me.”
In the pop culture language of the 1990s, I came to see I was the classic co-dependent.
As I went through my own recovery process from this divorce, I vowed to learn all I could about relationships (and life) so I wouldn’t have to go through this painful process again. Furthermore, I dedicated the entirety of my business to help others avoid the same pain I experienced.
Now Hear This: My Commitment to You...
I commit to provide to you, and anyone else who seeks, all the coaching, counseling and life and relationship success tools possible to help you live your happiest, healthiest and wealthiest life possible. Marry YourSelf First! is a manifestation of my commitment.
Since I started counseling clients in the mid 80s, I’ve heard many, many stories about relationship struggles from clients, friends and colleagues. Many have the same process and outcome: People get settled into a relationship, and then they don’t feel happy, they don’t get their needs met, they don’t communicate effectively and they just don’t feel loved. That often creates a “domino effect” in which their lives begin to crumble down around them.
Clare and Ed are a sad, but perfect example. They married young (he was 20 and she was 18). They both came from families that appeared normal, yet neither family communicated effectively nor modeled effective relationship skills (Ed’s dad was an alcoholic, and Clare’s parents were divorced).
The appearance of normal in their families, as in many, was actually more dysfunctional, or unhealthy, than functional or healthy. This is a key component to much of our current relationship dysfunction.
That was the beginning of both personal and relational dysfunction for both Ed and Clare. There were many stressful events early in their relationship. Ed and Clare had two children in their first four years of marriage, as well as starting Ed’s new business. After that, Clare went back to school to get her degree. They both worked long hours and on opposite shifts to support and care for their family. By the time they celebrated their 10th anniversary they were both miserable.
Ed sought his escape in business, and Clare found hers in all the children’s’ activities. When they finally came to see me, they felt disconnected, uncommitted and very frustrated with each other. After a number of sessions, and after using many of the Marry YourSelf First! principles, they improved their communication skills, felt more connected and together in their coupleship developed mutual future goals and a relationship vision that they were both passionate about.
They broke the old unfulfilling patterns they had learned from their families and created new patterns of Passion, Power, Purpose and Prosperity!
Take Note: Even if you’re already married, it’s never too late to Marry YourSelf First!
Perhaps you too have struggled with your romantic relationships – unable to understand why they’re such a struggle instead of joyful as they’re meant to be. What I’ve found is people often settle for something that they think is love but what is actually nothing more than the familiar version of the unworkable relationship modeled by their parents. As a result, they repeat the same patterns of one or both of their dysfunctional parents. Either way, these individuals or couples often arrive at my office in much pain, often ready to divorce or separate. These stories are heart-breaking, but know this:Heartbreak is optional!
If you really want lasting love and relationship success, then commit to Marry YourSelf First!
Now Hear This: No matter where you’re at on the relationship continuum – single, married, divorced or somewhere in between – having a foundation of powerful relationship skills and tools is paramount to your success in life.