Comedian and entertainer Joanna Ryde takes you back to the beginning of her journey along the path that took her into the world of showbiz! Diary Of A Ryde is set in a time when stardom is a distant dream and Joanna is a normal girl on Dublin's Northside looking for fun and maybe, just maybe, a bit of romance. Hilarious characters and situations paint a wonderful picture of modern Ireland as seen through the eyes of one it's brightest young things as only she can tell it!
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Jayzis, the 1st of January already. I can’t believe its 2005. I can remember last New Year’s Eve like it was only yesterday which is more than I can say for this New Year’s Eve and that was only yesterday.
We all went over to Bernie's last night. Bernie's me best mate. I know her years, like since I was borned like. She’s mad though. Her ma and da went the Canaries last Saturday, the lucky bastards. I mean they have the right idea, d’ya know what I mean? So Bernie says, “Right. Fuck them, goin’ the Canaries without me. We’ll have a party.” So we all headed over to her gaff last night. Jasmin made a punch or so she called it and god only knows what the youngone put into it. The thing was purple. She said it was Vodka, Malibu, Bacardi, Blue Aftershock, orange juice, pineapple juice and Lucozade but I’d say she added a few more ingredients, like Calpol and Demestos. I think I had 2 glasses and the room was spinnin’ and I don’t get drunk, Bernie will tell ya. Tracy was gonna bring over her karaoke machine but we told her not to. The last time that karaoke machine appeared at a party we couldn’t get Concepta Cooney off the thing. I was gonna shove the microphone up her arse at one stage. I wouldn’t mind but she can’t sing a note. Concepta’s the one with the arse as wide as O’Connell Street and a mouth not too far behind. She’s the only person I know who’d be able to walk down the quays on both sides of the Liffey. She’s like the Straits of Gibraltar, I’m not jokin’ ya. Anyway, there was no way we were goin’ to listen to her singin’, or screechin’ would be more like it, so we told Tracy to leave the karaoke machine at home.
I don’t know what time it was when Bopper showed up. Bopper’s me brother. He’s a year and a half younger than me but we do have a bit of buzz. He likes comin’ out with me and me mates and I don’t really mind coz he brings his friend Paulo with him and he’s a ride. He’s from Bosnia or somewhere originally, one of these Scandinavian countries that I can’t pronounce anyway but he’s been here 8 or 9 years so his English is perfect. Well better than mine in anyway. I do always be chattin’ him up, havin’ a bit of a laugh with him but we do never do anythin’. I think he fancies me but we wouldn’t do anythin’ coz he’s like, Bopper's best mate and he respects me. Not that I fancy him or anythin’, I mean, he’s gorgeous but I don’t fancy him.
Anyway it was a great night from the little bits I remember. I woke up in Bernie's conservatory half naked for some reason with only a blanket coverin’ me. If I end up with frostbite I’ll sue the bitch, don’t think I won’t. I found me bra hangin’ out of the extractor fan in the kitchen. God only knows how it got there. It was definitely mine coz I’m the only one that has the lace underwire support, 16 euros in Dunnes, ya can’t go wrong.
I says to meself the other day that I’m gonna make a few New Year’s revolutions and stick to them. I can’t remember what last year’s ones were but they lasted about 20 minutes knowin’ me. Me first one this year is to write down a few things goin’ on in me head coz its nice to have somethin’ to remember the year by. I want to write down a few of me thoughts, ya know that kind of a way. Jayzis, can ya imagine Jasmin havin’ a thought? It’d die of loneliness. So here it is. Kind of a diary. Like your woman Florence Nightingale.
Me second revolution is to give up the smokes. I remember sayin’ it last year. There was a time in this country when ya didn’t have to stand outside a pub in the rain to smoke. Jayzis that’d be deadly, and that’s on top of the early closin’ times and the other mad laws. This country is like the Soviet Socialist, Union of Socialist, fuckin’ Russia. Can ya imagine someone tryin’ to tell Concepta Cooney to put out her smoke in the pub? She’d floor the bastard and then shove the cigarette up their hole. I do have to give up though. I’ll save a few quid in anyway. I’ll put a few quid a week away for a holiday. Oh Jayzis, there’s another revolution. That’s 3 now.
What else? Oh I’m gonna try and put meself out there a bit more, ya know with me singin’ and radio presentin’. I’ll try get a job on a station. I know a few of the lads on CRAC, or Community Radio Cabra to give it its proper name. I’d be deadly I would. I could do the traffic or somethin’ first. “Traffic is heavy on the Navan Road headin’ into the city as usual. Get the fuck out and walk.” Can ya imagine?
I need one more revolution to make it 5. Tracy says she’s gonna be more assertive and I would too if I knew what it meant. When I find out I’ll tell ya. I thought she said she was gonna be a surfer the first time she said it. Can ya imagine Tracy Murtagh on a surfboard out in Portmarnock, now I ask ya? Concepta’s goin’ on a diet, about time. If someone like Vodafone were to lose as many pounds as she needs to, they’d go bankrupt. Jasmin's gonna learn Spanish as one of her revolutions, god help her, the poor youngone struggles with English. What did Bernie say? Oh yeah, she was gonna have more sex. I think that’ll be me fifth one. I haven’t had a ride in 2 months. Jayzis.