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Tim Connor

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Publisher:  Worldwide Press ISBN-10:  1930376278 Type: 


Copyright:  May 2003

Connor Resource Group
connor Resource Group

All relationships are either getting better or getting worse. Regardless of whether they are 3 months or 30 years old, sooner or later every couple will find themselves in one of the 26 relationship ruts covdered in this insightful book.

Ever been in a relationship rut? Are you in one now? Are you in one and don’t know it yet? Whether you have been married for 50 years or are in the first six months of a new relationship, I will guarantee that you have experienced at least one of the twenty-six relationship ruts covered in this book. I know at one time or another in my life, I have been in every one of the twenty-six.

The question is, do you want to do something about it, or are you content to stay in a rut?

This book will help you if:

- you are currently in a relationship;
- you are waiting to get into a new relationship;
- you are ending a relationship;
- you want to overcome one or more of the relationship ruts that you are experiencing currently;
- you want to avoid experiencing one of the ruts that can lead to increased stress and frustration in your relationship.

To achieve success, you will have to do a little work. The purpose of this book is to help you work through your problems (see glossary) and live your relationship-life free of stress and frustration.

Every relationship, whether business or personal, is either getting better or getting worse.

Everyone is growing either by accident or by design. Those who grow by accident may refuse, fight, sabotage, or not accept the growth.

Those who grow by design purposely grow in areas where they feel it is important to improve their quality of life. This personal growth, regardless of its impetus, can better or worsen a relationship. If one person in the relationship grows by design and the other grows by accident, they will have different outlooks, life philosophies, or attitudes (see glossary) about growth.

Let me give you a common example.

It is common to hear people in a relationship say, “We are growing apart,” “You are not growing,” “I am growing faster or in different areas than you are.” It doesn’t matter how this attitude is expressed; the bottom line is that both people are growing in different areas and at different rates. This is both natural and normal. No two people will ever grow in the same way, at the same time, or at the same rate.

No one has the right to expect, demand, or cause another person to grow when he or she is not ready, interested, or willing to grow in a particular area. People change (see glossary) when they are ready and in accordance with their own agendas, reasons, or time frame.

Individual growth, in order to bring positive results to a relationship, must be understood, accepted, and managed by both parties. Common understanding is necessary for the relationship to survive the natural shifts in feelings, attitudes, and newly-acquired wisdom that one or both of the people involved experiences.

Relationships become stagnant when either person refuses to acknowledge his or her own growth or the partner’s growth as positive, regardless of what they are learning, experiencing, or feeling. Stagnant relationships are easy to spot. There is little laughter, spontaneity, respect, or understanding. People stop enjoying their partner. They may even stop liking those things that originally attracted them when the relationship was new. In a sense, these people have changed their mental filters. They interpret their partner’s same attitudes, behaviors, viewpoints, and feelings differently now, and—in some cases—more negatively.

To prevent relationships from becoming less interesting or stagnant, both parties must be willing to accept their partner’s growth, no matter what the circumstance. Everyone is on his or her own personal path, learning what each needs to learn to move to a higher position in life.

We live in an era of increasing pressure for quick beginnings and fast endings in relationships. We are rapidly becoming a ”throw-away” society when it comes to the idea of developing and maintaining positive, on-going relationships. The following twenty-six concepts about ruts, when integrated into your relationships, will go a long way to help you develop nurturing, positive, long-term, and satisfying relationships.

If your relationship is in a rut, it didn’t happen in one day. You can solve your problems, but it will take effort, patience, and a lot of love if you are to succeed. If, however, one or both of you have “given up or given in,” there is little this book or even counseling will do to save your relationship. If your relationship is over but just waiting to “end,” this book can help you prevent your next relationship from ending the same way.

In each chapter there are five sections:

1. a brief discussion of the particular rut people experience;
2. how they arrived at that point;
3. a few thoughts about the overall impact on the rest of the relationship and a general discussion of some of the factors related to that rut;
4. a journal section;
5. an action plan.

In section three, you meet our two main characters in the book: Ginger and Troy. Their dialog throughout the book may reflect some of the conversations you have had or will have with your partner.

There are two sections I recommend that you NOT by-pass in each chapter: Journal Notes and Action Plans. Because all discovery is self-discovery, one of the best ways to improve any area of your life is to spend time in contemplation and self-evaluation. To read a book like this and then not make any significant observations or changes in your attitudes, philosophy, or behaviors would be generally a waste of your time. So Journal Notes are your feelings, beliefs, expectations (see glossary), opinions—whatever—you want to capture about that particular relationship rut. The Action Plan section is just that: things you are going to do—goals (see glossary), objectives, actions, etc.—to improve your relationship. I urge you to spend some time completing these portions of the chapter, because this information from you can do more to improve the quality of your relationship than anything I can say.

Let’s take a look now at how you can add more fun, passion (see glossary), love, and acceptance to your current relationship.

The Courting Rut

Boy meets girl, and the games and attraction begin. Both are on their best behavior. Both want it to work. Both are willing to overlook or ignore things that don’t seem perfect. Both make one of the critical mistakes almost all couples make: They ignore the early signals. Everyone’s behavior is what it is. Few people change over time. Yes, they can change, but they usually don’t. What you get in the beginning is what you will get for years, if you decide to make this partner the permanent one.

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