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Lisa Barker

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Member Since: Jun, 2006

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Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane...Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent
by Lisa Barker   

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Category: 

Humor

Publisher:  Lulu.com ISBN-10:  1411674189 Type: 
Pages: 

216

Copyright:  2006
Non-Fiction

Lulu
Jelly Mom
Lulu Publishing
Jelly Mom - Parenting Humor

At Lisa Barker's house, every day is Mother's Day. But that doesn't mean Lisa is getting cards, flowers, and gifts.

What she gets is migraine-flavored shopping trips, toy-cluttered rooms, bad hair, a kidney infection, and loads of laundry.

What you'll get is loads of laughs when you read Lisa Barker's book, Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane...Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent, which is published by Lulu.


=================================

Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane...
Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!


Every little thing is setting me off today: the little eight-year old, the little three-year old and the little two-year old.

Anybody want to rent a kid?

I know, I know. New parents and couples without children, especially those having a difficult time conceiving, say, “How can you even say a thing like that?”

May you be blessed abundantly and soon know the answer for yourself personally!

It isn’t that parents don’t appreciate their children. It’s that we are overwhelmed by how much there is to appreciate.

Like having a child dancing in place, screaming because the cup of milk wasn’t placed just so next to three, count them, exactly THREE cookies. This would be the blessing of a two-year old.

How about the wail of a child who cannot possess every item she sees? “MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE!” “No, you can NOT have these scissors/this newspaper/my soda/your brother’s favorite truck/the tax returns!”

Or a child running through the fifth lie in a row to explain the shortage of candy in the candy box. “Um, ah, um, well, it’s like, um…I don’t know!”

Lies, talking back, whining, tattletales, dancing in place, holding their breath…this is why having pets is NOT like having children.

I’ve never seen a dog roll his eyes and huff when you tell him to pick up after himself, as if he could. I’ve never had a cat smart-mouth me. Dogs don’t hold their breath when you refuse them a treat before dinner. Cats don’t follow you around informing you of every misdeed that the other pets committed.

In fact, dogs and cats stay cute. Kids outgrow it. Before you know it, that wonderful new baby scent is gone and it’s no longer a novelty to drive them around town and show them off. Now it’s just a chore. And no matter how many deodorizers you hang on their nose, that new baby smell never quite returns.

No, God has a great sense of humor. He decided to bless them with odor and as a parent you will become an expert at identifying these odors because if the kids don’t stink in some fashion, their rooms, backpacks, lunch bags and car seats will.

Parents start out as reasonable and rational human beings. But over the years, all that gradually erodes. No matter how many parenting guides we read in the beginning, no matter ho many pre-natal classes we took, no matter how we prepped our tots for pre-school and kindergarten, we slowly turn into a shifty-eyed adult with a nervous facial tic…because we are always in a state of wonder.

“Why me?” “Why now?” “Why, God, why!?”

We’re shifty-eyed because we’re always looking for the cause of our steadily increasing dementia. Where is that spouse that suggested that having kids was a wonderful thing that would enhance our relationship? Whenever the kids start, we ask them, “Where’s your mother/father?” as if our spouse has any answers.

We’ve got facial tics because we can’t even sneak down the hall to isolate ourselves in the bathroom without some little one following us. “Where are you going? What are you doing? Can I come, too?”

We’re turning into old people fast. And there’s nothing we can do about it. It’s them! They are sucking the life from us!

How else do you explain morphing from a calm, rational adult into a hunched over, suspicious, crooked-finger-pointing parent? We’ve become our parents! The curse is worse than we thought it would be!

So just because your kids drive you nuts sometimes doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. It very well could mean you’re an INVOLVED parent—a scar-bearing member of the Parent Corps—and your greatest ally is a good sense of humor as well as the ability to laugh at and make light of the challenges of parenting.

Suddenly, the noise of the kids swells and the sound is quickly followed by a loud crash accompanied by running tattlers all pointing their fingers at one another. All is as it should be.

Now where is that husband of mine…?
  
Excerpt
"Lies, talking back, whining, tattletales, dancing in place, holding their breath…this is why having pets is NOT like having children.

"I’ve never seen a dog roll his eyes and huff when you tell him to pick up after himself, as if he could. I’ve never had a cat smart-mouth me. Dogs don’t hold their breath when you refuse them a treat before dinner. Cats don’t follow you around informing you of every misdeed that the other pets committed."


Professional Reviews

Motherhood Is A Laughing Matter
At Lisa Barker's house, every day is Mother's Day. But that doesn't mean Lisa is getting cards, flowers, and gifts.

What she gets is migraine-flavored shopping trips, toy-cluttered rooms, bad hair, a kidney infection, and loads of laundry.

What you'll get is loads of laughs when you read Lisa Barker's book, "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane...Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent", which is published by Lulu.

Lisa Barker lovingly and accurately refers to herself as Jelly Mom. You can imagine where that moniker is rooted considering she is the mother, chef, and maid to five children, ranging in age from bawling to sloppy to argumentative. Throw in a husband, a dog, and nine cats and you have one big hysterical family.

"Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane..." is a generous and funny offering based on Ms. Barker's syndicated "Jelly Mom" columns, and her take on mothering her "kiddos" will leave you bouncing off the walls with laughter.

She doesn't stop at parenting, however. She is more than that. She is a woman and here's what she has to say on that subject:

"I don't know where people got the impression that women were the weaker sex, especially when you consider that women today (as always) gestate, carry around a living, developing baby, go through intense labor, give birth and the next day they are nursing a baby while they vacuum, make grocery lists, chaperone toddlers, negotiate with their teenagers and order meat for the freezer all while standing over a hot stove cooking dinner."

The appealing thing about Lisa Barker's sense of humor is that the joke is on her. She is the willing foil in this madcap menagerie and that's what makes it work.

You also know that under that acerbic layer of wit is a mother who loves her children and wouldn't trade them for a million bucks. Her kiddos are what she is about.

"Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane" would make a great Mother's Day gift. Every mother could slip easily between the pages of Lisa Barker's book and find a little bit of her own self in this treasure trove of classic comedy.

Lisa's column can be found online at www.JellyMom.com "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane" can be ordered online at www.lulu.com

Review by Wendel Potter
http://www.wendelpotter.com
April 22, 2006

Wendel Potter, Chronicler and Humorist, is a contributing comedy writer for Jay Leno and has also written for Joan Rivers, Phyllis Diller, and the Yakov Smirnoff Show.


Barker finds the hilarity of family life.
I first “met” Lisa Barker over six years ago through my CatholicMom.com web site’s message board. I don’t think I knew her by anything other than her moniker “Little Mom” for the first several years of our acquaintance. What I did know, however, from those very first days, was that the woman could write! As busy as my days were, I always made time to read Lisa’s posts on the message board. She had the stunning capacity to blend spiritual insight with a lighthearted humor that never failed to touch me. I knew it was only a matter of time until I’d be promoting Lisa’s work through my CatholicMom.com Book Club.

Well, here we are, six years later, and the time has arrived. Lisa Barker’s newly published book Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane…Doesn’t Mean You Are A Bad Parent! (Lulu, January 2006, paperback, 216 pages) is a must-read for any parent! Barker, the mother of five children and countless pets, takes a humorous look at family life and all of its insanity. As I’ve grown to know Lisa and her family, I’ve learned that as a wife and mother she’s faced some uphill challenges. Rather than going crazy, Barker finds the hilarity of family life and delivers it with such sweet wit that you can’t help but laugh out loud. Lisa’s book is one of those I keep within reach for precious moments of quiet “mommy” time to myself. I find, in reading her work, that I’m not only entertained but also inspired to look at life a little more lightly myself. I would recommend Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane…Doesn’t Mean You Are A Bad Parent! as a perfect gift for any parent, or especially to mothers as a gift just for you. As an added benefit, the book benefits the wonderful work of the Hugs and Hope Club for Sick Kids.

~ Lisa Hendey, Publisher, www.CatholicMom.com


Laugh Out Loud Funny!
In reading this incredibly funny book, I could not get enough. I am a huge fan of Lisa Barker, a.k.a. Jelly Mom, and realize that she is as close to Erma Bombeck as anyone I have ever read. I found myself poring over the pages seeking more parent/child humor and running to my husband with book in tow to say, "Remember this age!" If there's only one thing you do for yourself in 2006, be sure purchasing this book is it A must have for all parents, especially moms.

~ Jodie Lynn, syndicated parenting/health expert, Parent to Parent, CEO/founder of www.AddingWisdomAward.com, and author of family/health book, Mommy-CEO.


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