Bits an pieces of my life that I need to tell in order to help someone else
Chapter titled: Miscarrage
Today is the day after December 25, 2003. I lost the baby.
On Monday December 15,2003 I went to the doctor and he did a pelvic exam and a pap test. He found the bleeding came from my cervix.
Tuesday morning about 1 am in the morning i went to the emergency room by ambulance. I filled 2 pads in 15 minutes and the pain kept getting worse. I took the pads with me because i got the feeling that certain individuals don't take me serious.
During a series of test the attending physician found out the I have fiboid tumors on my uterus, blood between the wall and the placenta and something else.
Ray and I finally cooked the turkey and the extras but around 10:30 pm I started having contractions. The contractions would last 60 seconds.
During the wee hours of the night the contractions got extremly worse. I didn't want to wake anyone so I allowed myself to suffer until daybreak changing pads constantly, but when my son woke up I had no choice but to get up.
By the time I got downstairs to wake Ray up I was in tears. Within 5 minutes I was balling and crying. I was on the floor kneeling on the couch calling 911. After I got the address out and what was wrong the stupid phone went dead. I called right back and the phone died again.
Suddenly the contractions got worse and I ran to the bathroom to vomit. I sat on the toilet then the EMS pulled up. Ray was panicing telling me that they were outside.(this was the wrong time for him to punk out now.)
As the female medic Melissa stood in the bathroom with me I kept having a bowel movement and passing blood clots at the same time, so when I went to wipe for the last time it was the baby's hand I touched it was a pale pink. I actualy saw five tiny fingers and part of his arm. I screamed and he fell in the toilet. Melissa consoled me like a mother. I held onto her pants leg and cried. I kept screaming he's gone, my baby's dead. Because of his age the paramedic had to find out if she had to take the baby with us.
Well we had to.
Even though I said goodbye along time ago I couln't believe he is actually gone.
I got my friend to get this lady from the office around the corner. We prayed as the medics took the baby and whatever else from the toilet.
Mrs Ruby said she would talk to my daught and explain to her what happen. I told her to call my (step)dad for me.
Melissa put an IV in my left hand the vein blew in my right hand. I was still having contractions and of course she coached me through it. I told her it wouldn't be so hard if I hadn't seen him.
He was a pale pink i saw his fingers he was stuck in the birth canal. I thought he was another blood clot. Melissa stayed with me in the emergency room for as long as she could. She looked like she wanted to cry. I wanted to hold him just once, but I was in pain and focused on something else.
Before I knew it I a doctor came into the room to remove some tissue, the placenta. He took that and the baby to the lab.
He wanted to give me some mumbo jumbo about the baby wasn't developing the nervous system and lungs weren't intact. I wasn't buying it. The amount of blood I lost he would not have made it inside. I wonder though if the toilet water was clean would he have survived. (The denial of his death.)
Next my OB was in the room poking and looking for any remaining tissue. He recommended a procedure called a D an C, so I quickly prepped for surgury and wisked off down the hall through several corridors and elevators to another side of the hosptial.
I refused a blood transfusion(religious reasons.) I told the Anethesiologist to make sure that I don't feel any pain I have been through enough as it is.
Next I was feeling very relaxed I felt I can finally get some rest because of the drug in the IV.
The pain wasn't bad and in a few hours not days i would go home. I had my pad changed and i went to the bathroom and even though it hurt I didn't see any blood.
I just had to wait for my Rhogam shot and the chaplain. I didn't start crying again until we talked about what happened. He told me I would get a death certificate and asked me if I wanted the fathers name on it. I quickly said no( if it can't go on a birth certificate why put it on the death certificate.)
Then he asked me if he had a name. I cried we never gave him a middle name. The chaplain told me that the hospital will provide a free burial. I cried again, but I flt better about the sudden death of my son Nicholas knowing he would be properly buried instead of being in some biohazard dump.
I told the chaplain to pray that I don't blame any one for what happen I expalined and we prayed about it.
I called Dad, I told the kids they were sad I called my job and told them I what happen and that I would still come into work. I know i had lost my mind but at the same time I didn't want to be at home thinking about it.
When I went to the doctor for a follow up and told the head nurse that i wanted to have my tubes tied and asked how long did I have to wait. Six weeks she said should be enough time for my body to heal. I only want my tubes tied because emotionaly I can't go through this again ever with anyone. Physically the next time it could take my life.
Nicholas I know mommy wasn't prepared for you to be here but mommy wasn't prepared to be you to go either.
I wasn't ready to be your mommy but I was prepared to be your hero. I told Jehovah God to take you back because I didn't want you to go through what your brother and sister are going through, watching mommy and daddy fight and mommy cry, listening to mommy yell. As much as I didn't want to accept your excistence I was amazed to see and hear your tiny heart beating at 6 weeks.
lter I smiled through all the pain when I saw you doing cartwheels at 11 weeks.
I still accepted your existence even after I went to the emergency room the first time and saw your hands and feet. I felt you were special despite the physical and emotional pain I was going through.
Even when I called the ambulance the day after x-mas and even as you left my body still stuck between my vaginal walls as if to hold on to me a little longer. Your existence was even more real and excepted. You're gone now, only from my body but never from my heart.
I never got the chance to hold you and kiss your tiny forehead in the ambulance or the ER room. I was in too much pain.
The hospital offered to have you buried properly. This may sound crazy but I would like to have you dressed before they put you in your box. For mu mentale i think this would be best. I can't bury you with nothing on.
I'll try not to be super sad or super depressed, I'll try to be a better more attentive and loveing mom to your brother and sister.
I didn't plan for you to come.
I didn't plan for you to go.
I do plan to live a full life again for us all.
I love you my darling Nichi