Excerpt
One Friday night, during the very end of her pregnancy, my wife comes up to me calmly as I’m watching a ballgame and says, “My water broke.”
Being the detective that I am, I say, "Don't worry, I'll get you a new one," as I make my way to the fridge to get her another bottle of water. Then it hit me what’s really happened. I don't know if it’s the Evil Death Stare my wife is giving me, or the fact that I’m now standing in two feet of water in the living room. Either way, I increase the Baby Alert status to DEFCOM1, which means it’s time for me to run around like a chicken with its head cut off while my wife screams in agony. After about 1000 phone calls to find a babysitter for Steve, I still haven't found anyone, or at least anyone who doesn't have a life and is home on a Friday night and actually sober. Finally we get hold of a neighbor who so graciously offers to watch him so that my wife doesn't have to give birth in the two feet of water in the living room.

It’s now about 12:00AM and we are off to the hospital. The problem is that we live about forty minutes away from the hospital, and it’s pitch black out and what seems like a Tropical Storm is passing by. Add that stress plus my wife yelling and swearing at the top of her lungs at the very painful contractions she’s having, all the while digging her nails deeper into the dashboard, and I’m also on edge. I start to wonder if Armor All can actually take fingernail marks out of the dash when the screaming is getting unbearable. At one point during the race to the hospital, Jenny turns to me and yells, "Why the hell have you stopped?!"

I don't know if it’s the torrential rain, terrible screams, or lack of sleep, but I, against my better judgment, state, "Honey, I think cops tend to frown upon people going through red lights."

I then go on to explain that, in fact, State law explicitly states that running red lights is not only quite dangerous, but could result in a stiff penalty and possible jail time. I think I make a convincing argument, and am quite proud of myself, when I turn to look at my wife again. What I saw and heard next is difficult to describe, but just think of that lady in The Exorcist when her head turned 360 degrees and she started to speak in tongues. Just the thought of that still makes me cringe, so at that point I decide to just floor it, to hell with the consequences.