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"Confess, me, no way I'm telling you" she looked up at me at me and wrapped her arms around my waist. "yeah you, c'mon I told you" she smiled with her new smile and giggled a little "yeah you told me you liked my shirt thatís not much of a confession" she rolled her eyes at me like she always did "so, tell me I dare you" I moved from behind her and sat where her feet were which of course she put in my lap "nope, I haven't told you this far, why should I change now" she sat up " I'm nice to you, for the most part."
I shot her a confused stare "and nothing about changing me" "I don't want to change you"; I pulled my leg up and sat sideways so I could look into her eyes "Bull, everyone wants to change me, that stupid standard of perfection, everyoneís is different." She sat up completely appalled by me "I donít know who you've been talking to Ryan, but I like you the way you are and I have never and will never want to change you, and you wonít change for any one". she turned away from me "some days I wish I could be like you", so many things ran through my head she knew what was going to happen to me I told her I wanted to take her my the arms and shake some sense into her instead I snapped. "you donít want to be like me, My closest friends sometimes betray me, My heart has been broken so many times that I don't even feel it anymore. And in twenty-some years, I'm dead...and I've seen how it's going to happen, it's painful, long and drawn out and hard to watch".
I could tell she was ignoring me determined that she was going to win like she always did; she just looked up at the ceiling moving her feet back and forth in my lap to some soundless tune I had to make her understand me. "See what I mean?" she looked blankly at me. "The cost is too high, I saw my father die, it's an image that I can't get out of my head, watching him lying there one the floor, his stomach swelling from the air entering his stomach during CPR, the glazed over look of pain and pure terror in his eyes, And my last words to him were,Ēí I hate you.í I'll never forgive myself for that."
She cried right there in front of me her eyes welled up and she cried she sat forward and buried her head in my shoulder even in her sadness I loved it when she did that wrapped her arms around me and laid down on my shoulder. She sat up off of me and whipped her eyes I took advantage of it, I continued to show her, "And I have been feeling my own heart starting to weaken for the last two years...that is what I have had to come to terms with." She gasped but sheís known all along and I kept talking "To be me, you have to not care if you live or die, you have to forsake love to spare them the pain I went through watching my dad die, you have to lose everyone you care about, have a constant painful reminder that you are dying, and just when you can't take it anymore, die an agonizingly painful death."
She stared into my eyes shifting them back and forth like she didnít understand "The valve that lets blood out of my heart is deteriorating, eventually it will stop, my heart will fill with blood which hurts like hell, I get brief episodes of it, it will stretch to it's limits, then rupture, killing me very slowly, You don't want to be me, I don't want to be me." She took her feet from my lap and hugged them close to her chest looking down at her feet still dancing to that tune "switch with me then", she looked up at me "I want so much to be like you to let it all go the life you see is not the one I live and its true not even my family can see" she took me by surprise she was always so bubbly and cute it was annoying but she was really as sad as I had always thought, I was silent.
"How I wish to die everyday of my life no one has any idea what its like to be me and I do so wish you could understand that no matter how much you may think so I donít want to change you and you are great the way you are and the people that broke your heart donít see you as how great you really are and it is shocking." I was taken back I had to think about it all she said she wanted to die and through it all she thought about me about my problems about the people that hurt me. "Iím sorry that Iím so completely naive that Iím the only one who ever believes you and wants so much to help you in anyway and to be the one that understands you and loves you the way you are" I stood and paced around a bit love, did she say she loved me.
She kept going on and on she wanted to help me "I suppose thatís my fatal flaw Iím sorry youíre a good friend to me even when you donít act it and Iím sorry Iím the only one who can see it." I sat myself down and cradled my head in my hands "it's not worth it, Iím not worth it, my whole life is trying to die without committing suicide, I don't want to leave behind any reasons to be missed, I just want to fade away, disappear." She laughed at me, which was a welcome change "well your shit outta luck because Iím going to miss you whether you like it or not I am going to like you whether you want me to or not its just to bad" I looked up at her and flashed her one of my rare smiles, she got real close to my face "you cant shake me and Iím sorry your a good guy, not everyone is going to hurt you, its something I have had to realize though I donít want to be hurt again, I love your personality even if you donít."
There she went again making me laugh at myself, sheís one of the only people that could do it "don't..." she scooted over next to me and threw her leg over mine "thatís just to bad your going to have to live with it." I saw how deep she was getting in and I got serious again "Iím strong on the surface, not all the way through, inside I hate everything about me, I hate that I couldn't shed a tear for my father at his funeral, I hate that I just stood there and watched him die, I hate me, and you do well to feel the same, otherwise you'll just end up getting hurt." I couldnít let her feel the way I did I couldnít condemn her to that pain, I donít know why, I never cared before not like that," "and that seems to be the norm in my life so I will stay this way its stops me from death", she doesnít give up and she wont give up on me, my god what a stubborn girl.
I couldnít push her away she was so persistent "why the hell would you like my personality? I'm just the jackass in the group," she laughed at me, it made me smile again "fatal flaw here." she was crazy, her fatal flaw, it made her sound like some kind of story book hero, but she couldnít save me "I donít think you get it I like you Ryan and I donít plan on changing that right this very second." She genuinely likes me, I couldnít put her through it, I was going to die and she knew it, I didnít want her to have to watch me die, I didnít want to have to see tears in her eyes again especially that being the last thing I may see "just walk away, don't make me have to push you away" she stood up and walked off a bit but turned around stood in front of me leaned down her hands on my knees "I donít want to Iím sorry, its me that'll be hurt in the end if you didnít like me at all you wouldnít care enough to push me away." she dropped down on her knees and wrapped her arms around me, laid her head on my stomach and held me tight. I was taken back by her but I couldnít help but let my arms fall around her, though I knew it wasnít over yet she'd never leave me be about it all I leaned my head down till my mouth was by her ear ďyou cant save me."
I pulled her arms from around me and took her wrists in my hands, she stared with at me with heavy eyes as I threw her away from me "I donít want your sympathy and I donít want your help, you will regret me later" her eyes welled up just as before the one thing I didnít want to see.
I stood up towering over her as she sat staring blankly in the distance, I walked away fists clinched not looking down at her, not wanting to watch her cry again. She ran up and threw her arms around me and whispered, "I regret nothing" I pulled her arms from around me and that was the last thing I herd her say.