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Paul Curtis

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by Paul Curtis   

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Books by Paul Curtis
· SCROOGE and MARLEY (Deceased)
· Whispering Souls
                >> View all




Copyright:  2009

Peculiar Poetry

Humerous Nursery Rhymes for the 21st Century

# 1

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
Thanks to a litigious culture, and a legal vulture
Humpty Dumpty made a big score

# 2

# 3

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair;
Said Simple Simon to the pie man "what have you got there?"
Said the pie man to Simple Simon "what do you expect me to have?"
“I’m the pie man so I’ve got pies you dozy chav”

# 4

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls but didn’t know why.
When the boys came out to play
He had more fun because he was gay

# 5

Mary Mary quite contrary,
How has your garden thrived?
With fertilizers and chemicals?
Or is it genetically modified?

# 6

Little Bo peep has lost her sheep
And doesn't know where to find them.
She didn’t know about the foot and mouth
Or that the farmer had to burn them

# 7

I had a little hen,
The prettiest ever seen,
Which happily made
For such versatile cuisine

# 8

Little Jack Horner sat in the corner
Of a fashionable eatery
When his food arrived in its design contrived
He said “What’s this supposed to be?”

# 9

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,
The silly man would have looked better
If he waited till the warmer weather

# 10

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep her!
She slipped through his fingers like sand
So he ordered another one from Thailand

# 11

This little piggy has an ASBO
This little piggy’s in prison,
This little piggy was a car thief
This little piggy’s on the run
And this little piggy went...
"!£&&*!!!$" the anti social little bastard

# 12

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To spend some time with each other
Jack failed to rise
Jill raised her eyes
Then went off to find his big brother

# 13

Christmas is coming, the Geese are getting fat
The bird is a little fatty but I don’t mind that
If you haven’t got a Goose then a Turkey will do
If you haven’t got a Turkey, I’m not dining with you

# 14

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
They took with them a bucket
Jack made a play
Jill said “no way”
So he said to himself “oh bother”

# 15

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some snogging.
But on the way
They met Ray
And spent the afternoon dogging

# 16

Jack asked Jill
Are you on the pill?
As I have no form of protection
Jill looked grim
Then said to him
Where he could stick his erection

# 17

A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,
What makes you arrive so late
It’s no good arriving at 10 o'clock
You’re Headmaster for goodness sake

# 18

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Growing in the middle of her chest
With the sunlight on her
It looked like a comma
That punctuated her pert little breasts

(Little girl in this case refers to stature and not age, so stop composing a complaint already)

(Not really a nursery rhyme I know
So sorry to the fans of Longfellow)

# 19

A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,
What makes you come so soon?
Just think about cricket the next time
that we get down to it in my room

# 20

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?
Are you a star twinkling bright?
Or just another bloody satellite

# 21

Tom, Tom the pipers son
Stole a pig and away he ran,
The pig was ate and it tasted great
And so said everyone on Tom’s estate

# 22

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?
Are you the star I saw before?
Or an earth destroying meteor

# 23

One, two, three, four, five.
Once I caught a fish alive,
But what we couldn’t see
The fish was full of Mercury

# 24

An apple a day
Keeps the doctor away
Isn’t really true
So the best thing to do
Is squirt some mace
Into their face

# 25

Goosey Goosey Gander where shall I wander,
Up hills, down dales with a bullet in the chamber
there I spied you plump and fat in my crosshairs
Then on the dinner table as we where saying prayers

# 26

Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
We just couldn’t wait to have more fun
As we heated some more in a spoon

# 27

Itsy Bitsy spider climbing up the spout
Where all the chemical waste comes out
Now Itsy Bitsy spider isn’t quite the same
And can no longer get in the spout again

# 28

Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester
On a railway train
But he got in a muddle
And got off at Bristol
And said “Oh shit not again”

# 29

Little Boy Blue
Come blow your horn,
And I’ll make you a superstar
In the world of porn

# 30

Hickory dickory dock
Something’s up with the clock
The clock’s struck dumb
The batteries run down
Useless bloody clock

# 31

London Bridge is falling down,
Falling down, falling down,
And the reason that its falling down
Built by Wimpy

# 32

Mondays child is bleary eyed,
Tuesdays child is full of pride,
Wednesdays child is fighting fit,
Thursdays child is full of shit,
Fridays child gets out of its brain,
Saturdays child goes to the pub again
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is nice and kind in an irritating way

# 33

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey,
Along came a geezer,
Who propositioned her
And horny Miss Muffet said ok

# 34

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her and doggie some bread
When she got there
The cupboard was bare
So she ate the doggie instead.

# 35

Two little dicky birds sitting on a wall,
One named Peter, one named Paul.
Fly away Peter, away said Paul,
Don’t come back, this is my wall!

# 36

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
And so to please the two of them
They eat vegetarian cuisine

# 37

As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives,
Seven wives now that’s really tough
I’ve got one and that’s enough

# 38

Ring-a-Ring o'Rosies
A Pocket full of Posies
"Pig flu! Pig flu!"
We all take a sickie!

# 39

For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the battle was lost.
For want of a horseshoe nail oh what tosh.
Ill equipped and poorly lead is why they lost

# 40

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candlestick
But Jack should have jumped higher
Because he’s set his balls on fire

# 41

Twinkle, twinkle little star
Are the services very far?
Oh I really hope they are
Or I will Tinkle, Tinkle in the car

# 42

Mary was a little flirt
Men followed her like sheep
But though she liked the attention
She fancied little bo peep

# 43

Yan, tan, tethera, pethera, pimp.
They’ll not miss the one with a limp
Sethera, methera, hovera, covera, dik,
Lets just kill it nice and quick
We’ve counted all the masters sheep
Let’s have lamb stew before we sleep

# 44

Hickory, dickory, dock
Some mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one,
When the pendulum swung
Hickory, dickory, dock

Hickory, dickory, dock
The mice looked on in shock
Seeing the stricken one
Fall all the way to the ground
Hickory, dickory, dock

# 45

Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he;
He called for his pint in the middle of the day
And he called for his cronies three.
Every crony had a fresh bottle,
And a very fine bottle had he;
Oh there's none so pissed as can compare
With King Cole and his cronies three.

# 46

Red sky at night,
Arsonist’s delight;
Red sky at morning,
Four minute warning.

# 47

Baa, baa black sheep, have you any wool?
No sir, No sir, we don’t have any wool!
Are you a nutter? Are you insane?
This is the butchers the wool shop‘s down the lane.
# 48

Hot cross buns! Hot cross buns!
One a penny two a penny - Hot cross buns
Isn’t that buy one get one free? Or are they two for ones?
Not one a penny two a penny - Hot cross buns

# 49

The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
Though they were jolly, their expedition was folly
And the coast guard sent a life boat
So when the Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
Safely ashore we were able to see
Because the couples distress, the whole sorry mess
Was filmed by the BBC

# 50

Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,
Went to bed with his trousers on;
One shoe off, and one shoe on,
He was completely shit faced my son John!

# 51

The worms crawl in the worms crawl out,
They crawled in thin and crawl out stout
And when they’re so fat they cannot crawl
The birds come down and eat them all

# 52

I'm bringing home my baby bumble bee
Won’t my Mommy be so proud of me
But my baby bumble bee went and stung me
So I stomped on that bastard bumble bee

# 53

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
The people behind could see nothing at all
They asked him to move but he wouldn’t do that
So they pushed him off and he went splat

# 54

Little Jack Horner sat in a corner
Eating his Christmas pie
He stuck in his thumb
After scratching his bum
Then offered to share his pie.

# 55

One, two, three, four, five.
Once I caught a fish alive,
Now you don’t see that every day
Not on the Thames anyway

# 56

Little Tommy Tucker sings for his supper,
What shall we do for him? He’s a bit of a nutter
And he can’t sing a note every one knows
So we’ll audition him on one of Simons shows

# 57

The Grand old Duke of York he had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill
And he marched them down again.
This upset the lads, who thought the Duke mad
So in order to stop him, they had to top him

# 58

Horsey, horsey don't you stop
Just let your feet go clippetty clop
Make the whip swish close up the ground
Win the race or your dog food bound

# 59

Hark, hark my dogs do bark
All day walking round the town
My plates of meat, my aching feet
I just want a nice sit down

# 60

Hark, hark the dogs do bark
The chavs are coming to town
Some with piercings and some with tats
And one in a designer gown

# 61

Here's the church, and here's the steeple
Open the door and see all the people.
No it’s not a church anymore you see
But another place to drink coffee

# 62

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,
My name is that name now
Whenever I go out,
The people will always shout,
There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
(I’m John Smith really but I’ll never be a super star named John Smith)

# 63

Rain, rain go away,
You’re ruining my holiday
I wait all year to come away
Rain, rain, go to Spain,
Don’t come back to Wales again

# 64

There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
Well that’s not strictly true he travelled there in style
After all what is the point of being a crooked man
If you can’t live it good and large when you can

# 65

Mary had a woolly lamb
Who ran away from her
It was struck by lightning
And its now just polyester

# 66

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as night
But it’s not PC to call it black
So she calls it dirty white

# 67

Jack and Jill went up the hill
They planned to do some snogging
But jack tried to get in her pants
So she whacked him on the noggin

# 68

Ding dong bell
Pussy's in the well
And that’s where it’s staying
Until it learns not to piss in my garden

# 69

Jack ate all the lean,
Joan ate all the fat.
They left the platter so clean,
There was nothing for the cat

# 70

Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
This will never make a bomb
Not even if you added diesel

# 71

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candlestick
But someone lit the candlestick
And poor old Jack burnt his wick

# 72

Ladybird, ladybird fly away home,
Or soon our own species will be gone
Fly back across the sea so blue
And take your extra spots with you

# 73

Little Tommy Tucker sings for his suppers,
Because he is so down on his uppers
But he doesn’t get much out of it
Because his singing is really shit

# 74

"Pussycat, pussycat, where have you been?
Have you been up to London to visit the Queen?"
“No I haven’t, didn’t you hear my meow?
I’ve been locked in the garage you silly cow”

# 75

Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
This internet bomb making site
Really is a load of shite

# 76

An apple a day
Keeps the doctor away
Is an old wives tale
And doomed to fail
So when the doc calls
Just knee him in the balls

# 77

Horsey, horsey will you stop
Just stop with all that clippetty clop
You’ve been put out to pasture as you know well
So stop playing with the coconut shells

# 78

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,
That is my name now
That’s John spelt with an H
And Jacob with a C
And Jingleheimer spelt the right way!!
Oh what is the point just call me JJ

# 79

The Grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
And when the hedonistic Duke reached the end
He started all over again

# 80

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her face
She might call it a curl
But I’m afraid little girl
You’ve actually grown a moustache

# 81

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
“That’s inbreeding for you”

# 82

Christmas is coming the geese are getting fat
Pick me out the fattest one and we’ll have that
It needs to be a big one for our Christmas feast
In fact just give us the one that’s clinically obese

# 83

Higgledy, piggledy, my pet hen
She lays eggs for gentlemen
Well actually well all said and done
She’s an Essex hen and lays for anyone

# 84

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly
I don't know why she swallowed a fly - perhaps she'll die!
Well she will if we don’t get rid of this useless bloody government

# 85

Star light star bright,
The first star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Get my hands in Glenda’s tights

# 86

There was a little guinea-pig,
Who, being little, was not big;
But from its head down to its feet
It was extremely good to eat

# 87

The lion and the unicorn
Were fighting for the crown
The lion beat the unicorn
All around the town
The vicious ambitious lion
Beat the poor unicorn so cute
But with one final effort
The unicorn killed the great hairy brute

# 88

Sing a song of sixpence a pocket full of rye,
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie.
When the pie was launched the tills began to sing,
It seems that McDonalds will fob you off with anything

# 89

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children she didn't know what to do!
Sadly this case is not an exception
If only her daughters had used contraception

# 90

The Sandman's coming
In his train of cars
Think! Tiredness kills
Stop at the next services

# 91

What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That's what little boys are made of!"

What are big boys made of?
Chips and ales, and chasing girls tails
That's what big boys are made of!"

# 92

Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,
Went outside with no trousers on
Both shoes off and no pants on
Along came a policeman “You’re nicked son”

# 93

Seesaw Margery Daw
Johnny shall have a new master
He shall earn but a penny a day
Because his employer is a bastard

# 94

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,
Tapping at the window and crying through the lock,
Come on everyone and look at my - undergarments

# 95

What are little girls made of?
"Sugar and spice and all things nice
That's what little girls are made of!"

What are big girls made of?
"Allure and entice and all kinds of vice
That's what big girls are made of!"

# 96

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as night
And in the winter snow
It stood out against the white

# 97

One two buckle my shoe
Three, four, Velcro you wore
Five, six, slip-ons you pick
Seven, eight, lace them up straight
Nine, ten, slip-ons again
Eleven, twelve, dig and delve
Thirteen, fourteen, specialist shopping

# 98

One two buckle my shoe
Three, Four, Excuse me miss?
Do you have these in a size 10 sling-back?

# 99

Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And gave her mother forty whacks,
And her defence in court would be
She was suffering from PMT

# 100

Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And gave her mother forty whacks,
When she saw what she had done,
She gave the bitch another one

# 101

Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross
To see a fine lady upon a white horse
With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
If you give her ten pounds then anything goes

# 102

Mary had a little secret
She was a bit of a lush
She was not white as snow
But pure as the driven slush

# 103

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a horse
She never ate her ride
But ate the lamb of course

# 104

Mary had a little lamb
It died but she wasn’t sad
She did love her little lamb
But she really loved kebabs

# 105

Mary had a little skirt
It was way above knees
And when she sat down
You could see her fleece

# 106

Mary was a little tart
Who really put it about
Young men flocked to her
And none of them went without

# 107

Hush a bye baby, on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock;
When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby, cradle and all.
But don’t worry it’ll be ok, if you live in Harringay

# 108

The North wind doth blow and we shall have snow
Pavements won’t be cleared and roads won’t see grit
Council employees will sit in the depot keeping warm
While the rest of us citizens have to get on with it

# 109

This is the house that Jack built!
This is mortgage on the house that Jack built.
This is the rat that foreclosed on the mortgage
That was on the house that Jack built.

# 110

Young lambs to sell, young lambs to sell
If I won the lottery how I would yell
If I won so much money that I couldn’t tell
That I could taste and touch and smell
I would never have to cry, "Young lambs to sell"

# 111

The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts all on a summer's day;
The Knave of Hearts he stole the tarts and took them clean away.
Which is just as well because the Queen of Hearts can’t bake
And if she’d served them to the King he’d have burnt her at the stake

# 112

It's raining; it's pouring.
The old man is snoring.
We should have changed but instead,
We didn’t and we’ll all be dead by morning

# 113

Jack and Jill went into town
To have a drink with each other
They both fell down
Outside the crown
And then threw up in the gutter

# 114

Higgledy Piggledy,
My fat hen,
She lays eggs
Full of Collagen
Good for women,
And good for men,
Higgledy Piggledy,
My fat hen!

# 115

Hey diddle dinkety, poppety, pet,
The Bankers of London should wear scarlet;
As a mark of dishonour to shame them
But they carry on as before these banking men

# 116

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown.
He does it for attention so everyone can see
Because he thinks that he’s a celebrity

# 117

“Where are you going, my pretty maid?"
"I'm going clubbing, mate," she said.
"May I go with you, my pretty maid?"
"Only if you're paying, mate," she said.

# 118

When good King Arthur ruled this land,
He was a goodly king;
But Lancelot did shag the Queen
and that was not the thing
So he killed the queen but spared lance
As he was still loyal to his king

# 119

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a horse
She could never eat her ride
But lamb with mint sauce?

# 120

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
No one was to tease
That everyone agreed
As she was the daughter of Herman Munster


Ride a cock horse to old Kings Cross
To find a lady of the night of course
With tattoos on their hips and a stud thru the nose
And a couple of quid buys you a couple of ho’s

# 002

Ride a cock horse to old Kings Cross
To find a lady of the night of course
Who gets down on her knees and gives the best blows
And you can come in her mouth till it comes out her nose

# 003

Mary was a little flirt
With big seductive eyes
And many a lucky lad
Had been between her thighs

It's raining, it's pouring;
Politicians are snoring.
They had their chance
To save the world
Now we’re screwed by global warming

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