DUNKIN, THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, Something Porcine This Way Comes
A completed 63,000 word humor/horror novel set in Florida and Brazil. The first book in a trilogy.
Dunkin, a 450 lb vampire slayer has been around a long time. He has plenty of secrets behind his body's girth or 'Vein Armor' as he calls it. An accident brings Dunkin together with several slightly dysfunctional characters. Together they go on an undead hunting expedition that starts in sunny Florida and works its way down the Amazon in South America.
“If there is somebody stupid and a donut involved, I know where you’re at, Buttwipe.” Devlin’s voice intoned no good-natured humor. No comeraderie. Only flat, calm disdain.
“Come on you guys,” said Sam’s partner, Lou Gaines. “What happened Devlin?”
“I left them laying there,” Devlin nodded to the bar door. “I didn’t frisk them. I hoped Buttwipe would run in, acting stupid as usual. Maybe one of them pulls an ankle piece and shoots him in that gourd head.”
“You’re drunk Devlin. You’re under arrest. You screwed the pooch this time.” Sam said.
“I’m an off duty detective whose gun is locked away upstairs in my apartment. I am an 'on duty' drunk who was minding his own business, havin' a drink. All of a sudden two of your illegitimate children, results of your shakedown of a two-dollar hooker back in the days when you could still see your feet, barge-in, rob the place, shoot a hole in the ceiling, then try to escape.” Devlin looked Sam in the eye and waited to see whether the long sentence and its deeper meanings were understood.
“Their mistake,” Devlin continued. “Was trying to exit out the back door. Like the milkman does at your house, Buttwipe. That’s why I thought they might be a pair of your 'misfires'. Anyway, they came running through the bar. I feared for the safety of my drink. It was in clear jeopardy of being spilled in the tumult. So I did what I have always wanted to do to you. I caved in one of their heads, took his gun and shot a hunk of lard off the other one.”