Jake the Snake is having the "worstest" year of his whole entire life. With an "all day kind of school," a scary school nurse, a first grade teacher, plus a stinky baby; how could things get worse? All Jake the Snake wants is a shiny new bicycle. Except Mom is too busy decorating for the stinky baby to go shopping for a snazzy bike When Jake the Snake barfs all over the floor on the first day of school and visits scary Nurse Pickadilly, he's sure life couldn't get worse. That is, until Grandma Nelson announces that Mom and Dad have gone to the hospital to get the stinky baby! Find out what other stinky surprise is in store for Jake the Snake in this hilarious second Jake the Snake release.
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1. BEES KNEES
My name is Jake. Except I like to be called Jake the Snake. Everyone calls me that name. Except sometimes my big brother Johnny just calls me Stupid Kid. I don’t even like that dumb name though.
I go to the half-day kind of school. Its real name is Kindergarten. That’s where people learn their ‘P’s’ and ‘Q’s’. Plus learn how to add up numbers. And sometimes do show and tell. Johnny goes to the all day kind of school. He has to do stupid homework. Plus he says his teacher is real bad mean.
I’m more lucky. 'Cause I have a real nice teacher. Her name is Mrs. Hurley. She’s kind of old like Grandma. Except she’s real fun for being an old woman. She’s lots chubbier than Grandma too. But Mom says I shouldn’t
ever say she’s old and chubby. 'Cause that ain’t very nice.
I used to have a girlfriend at that Kindergarten. Her name was Chelsea Mayer. Except she dumped me. That‘s cause I told her, “Baby dolls are stupid. They’re for girls only.”
That’s when the dumping part happened. “Boys are stupid too,” she said. “And stinky.” Being dumped is what happens when a girl calls you stinky.
But it’s okie dokie with me. ‘Cause I think Samantha Riley wants to be my new girlfriend. She invited me to her super duper birthday party, that‘s why.
Plus she said, “I think you‘re the bees knees, Jake the Snake.”
Then she smiled at me with a real whitey smile.
I bet her teeth are all whitey ’cause she brushes them twice a day. That‘s what that dentist guy told me I’d better do too. Or else all my baby teeth will get giant holes in them. Plus all my grown up teeth underneath will get all black and rotten. That’s when that dentist guy will have to get out his big scary drill. Plus poke holes in my teeth. Then I‘ll have a bunch of shiny silver teeth. Or worse yet, he’ll just pull them all out with his scary pulling pliers. Then I’ll have false teeth just like Great Grandpa Sylvester.
I bet Samantha Riley wouldn’t think I had bees knees anymore if I got stinky false teeth that popped out of my mouth like Great Grandpa Sylvester.
I think Samantha Riley has bee’s knees too. ‘Cause besides having whitey teeth, her hair is my favoritest color. It’s red. Plus she has the neatest pet in the whole wide world. It‘s a guinea pig. Its name is Daisy. I thought it would be real neat if I could get a pet like Daisy.
Except Mom said, “No.”
‘Cause Mom is real scared of rats, that‘s why. And Samantha Riley’s guinea pig looks just like a giant rat. Except without the creepy tail. Plus it doesn’t even eat cheese. It eats lettuce. Samantha Riley’s guinea pig is even cooler than Carl. Carl is Johnny’s pet chameleon.
“I’m going to Samantha Riley’s birthday party!” I told Mom when I got home from that Kindergarten. “And I’m going to buy her a bee‘s knees gift!”
“What is a bee’s knees gift?” Mom asked.
“A bee’s knees gift is the kind that’ll make Samantha Riley say, ‘PLEEEAAASSSE can I be your girlfriend, Jake the Snake?’” I told Mom.
Except Mom just giggled. Then she said, “You’re too young to have a girlfriend, Jake the Snake. I’m sure Samantha will always be a bee’s knees friend.”
2. STUPID GIRLY STUFF
I was real excited Mom was taking me to the store to buy Samantha Riley a bee’s knees gift. Maybe if I was good, I’d talk Mom into buying me a new bike. I want one that’s shiny and blue with all kinds of fancy stickers. Plus some snazzy streamers dangling off the handlebars.
“Can we go to the store where they sell bikes?“ I asked Mom.
Except Mom said, “We’re going shopping to buy Samantha a birthday gift. We are not bicycle shopping.”
“I want to buy Samantha a bike,” I said.
Except Mom shook her head. “A bike is too expensive,” Mom said. “Samantha would probably like a doll.”
“Dolls are stupid,” I said. “They‘re for girls only.”
Mom let out a big breath. “Samantha is a girl, Jake the Snake. I think she would love a doll.”
I still thought the bestest idea was a bike. Except Mom didn’t think so.
We went to that toy store with a bunch of stupid girly stuff.
“Look at this doll,” Mom said real excited. “I think Samantha would like this one!”
That doll Mom picked out was wearing a purple sparkly dress. Plus it had long curly hair. It looked way too girly.
“That doll is stupid,” I said. “I want to buy Samantha something cool.”
Mom let out a big breath. Then we looked in a different aisle. I picked out a big rubber lizard. It looked just like Larry. Larry was Johnny’s pet lizard. Except now Larry is deader than a doornail. ‘Cause he drowned in ooey gooey chocolate sauce, that’s why.
“Look, Mom!” I hollered, “Let’s buy Samantha this lizard!”
“I think it would scare her,” Mom said.
So then I picked out a bunch of other cool stuff: a drum set, a remote control Tyrannosaurus Rex, a new action hero bike helmet, and the bestest thing of all: a big tub of slime!
“Let’s buy Samantha this tub of slime!” I hollered at Mom. “It looks like a bunch of slimy green snot!”
Except Mom’s face turned kind of green. Plus her forehead leaked a bunch of sweat. That’s when the gross part happened. Mom grabbed a sand bucket off the shelf. Then she barfed right into that sand bucket! Except that wasn’t a good idea. ’Cause that sand bucket wasn‘t even ours!
A store lady in a red apron ran over to Mom. I was scared Mom was going to get in big trouble. So I hid behind a rack of building stuff.
“Are you okay, ma’am?” that store lady asked.
Mom’s face turned from green to pink.
“I’m fine,” she said. “Sorry about the bucket.”
“Don’t worry about it,“ that store lady said.
Then that store lady stayed with me while Mom went to the bathroom.
“My name is Carrie Sue. What’s your name?” the lady asked.
“Jake the Snake,” I said.
“What are you and your mom shopping for?” Carrie Sue asked.
“I’m shopping for a bee’s knees gift for Samantha Riley,” I said. “Except I guess I can’t even buy her the big tub of slime. ‘Cause it’ll make Mom barf again, that‘s why.”
Carrie Sue looked at me kind of weird. Then she said, “Oh, I see.”
Mom was taking a real long time in that bathroom. ’Cause she probably had to barf again, that’s why. So I started looking at that building stuff. That’s when my brain got the bestest idea ever. I’d build Samantha Riley a gift!
When Mom got out of that bathroom, I said, “Hey Mom! If you buy me a building set, I can build Samantha Riley a gift!”
Except Mom‘s face looked kind of green again. Then she said, “Not today, Jake the Snake.”
So she bought the stupid purple sparkly doll instead.
That’s when my brain decided to ask Dad if I could use his hammer and nails. ‘Cause I wanted to build a bee’s knees gift for Samantha Riley, that‘s why.
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