The Cosmic Dudes is a book about two friends exploring life in their early 20s and trying to enjoy women, find out what life is about and strive for more.
THE COSMIC DUDES CHAPTER 1
It was one sunny afternoon in the glorious month of March. The year was 2000. It was J, his father and I. Man, where has the time gone? It’s been 4 years off and on of partying and seriously macking babes man. Damn I’m awesome. This day was not any different from any other warm Atlanta day. Big blue skies smiling and sun rays seasoning the Earth’s atmosphere. This particular night we had no plans other than; to find plans. The life of a playa is basically this: Look at females, meet females and concur females, and we definitely were playas. This very premise was the reason why J and I became such good potnas in the first place. For see, game recognizes game and because of this a real playa recognizes another playa. You just feel it before you can even see it. We call it, “PLAYA’S INTUITION.” Almost like your mother when she didn’t see you take the cookie out of the cookie jar, but knew that you did it anyway. But before I get into the story, which we are still living today, let me tell you the true beginning.
The day that we met there were absolutely no women around, but there were. They just weren’t physically around. The year was 1996, it was in between classes and the babes hadn’t gotten out of class yet, just a few guys outside. A conversation was taking place about women by a few other so-called playas. You know the type, dude says he’s a playa, but just got finished crying about some freak that he met two weeks ago that received a serious hammer job from some other miscellaneous dude. This other cat was going on about how he doesn’t cake any chicks, won’t buy them anything nor cuddle with them, however, he doesn’t know what I know that he doesn’t know that I know.
This guy was reportedly seen holding hands and kissing in public with this chick who just let a group of 9th graders run a train on her and they got to her house by way of bicycle. This broad was about 19 or so and she was the freak. All of the guys her age went thru her so they passed her on to their younger siblings like clothes that they outgrew. And this cat wants to cup cake her. Man, it never stops.
Totally ignoring the insignificant grumbling around me I talked to the guy next to me and said, “Ten more minutes, 10 more minutes and it’s going to be real live out here,” then the guy confidently responded “Oh yeah, in 10 minutes these chicks are going to get what they’ve been looking for.” This dude was J. He was about regular height; I’d say 5’10”, heavy set guy and looked extremely arrogant. He was probably two hundred and fifty pounds or so, but he still was extremely confident in his ways like he thought that he was an authentic superstar.
This guy had on a button down shirt which was white with some green and red in it and a suit that was mostly white. It wasn’t a dress suit, more like a suit that an older cat would wear out to a nightclub. I thought the guy was about 28 or 29 by the way that he dressed and carried himself, but later to find that he was basically my age; 21. He had an arrogant stance while he was leaning his Kool’s cigarette to the side of his mouth letting the smoke release slowly as if he couldn’t tell that smoke even existed. The look he had was one of a slickster who was just waiting on his next unknowing victim. I knew that he was a playa.
At my college, “Atlanta Playa’s Community College,” was where I changed. It’s where I went from a guy with ideas to a developing thinker with aspirations of carrying out unbelievable shit. It was something entirely different from high school. The teachers made what they were teaching relative to our world. I started to see how subjects like
social studies, biology, literature and chemistry fit into this whole thing. It wasn’t just read directly from a book and not interpret it. They broke it down for us to understand what it was and how it relates to everything. So much of the theme seemed to be; think deeper.
In Atlanta where I went to high school, about half of the males dropped out because school didn’t seem to have any meaning. The school books were assigned at the beginning of the semester not according to who you were and what your personality or interests were, but by the first letter of your last name. To be honest, it is not much that I can remember being taught in high school that relates to my life now. I made the best of it though and somehow managed to stay motivated enough to graduate from that box of boredom. At A.P.C.C. though, it all changed even though I never graduated.
I began having new ideas; Many creative ideas and began looking at everything deeper. I became a philosopher and loved talking to other philosophers about theories and actually executing some of these magnificent visions. I wanted to go to a WHOLE other level beyond what you know and see everyday and discover unknown massive powers. Also, I wanted to bang some of the baddest chicks known to man.
At school J and I would run into each other periodically. No big deal, we were cool. I’d speak and he’d speak and from time to time we’d talk a little. You don’t make much of anything at that age, it just seems like you just fall into things. You are out doing whatever it is that you do and shit happens. It was approaching the end of the school year when he was telling me that he gets into stuff every now and then and has people falling thru his house. He gave me his number and told me to hit him up. So, I took his number and gave him mine.
I was outside one day after class minding my business scheming on the next female that I was going to get at when I noticed a female friend of mine looking like a lost puppy and J approaching me from the other side. He told me, “what’s up Reggie?” and I answered, “freak at 12 o’clock” and nodded my head toward the lonely girl. She looked like the Joker from Batman by the way that she exaggerated her lipstick on her lips and I used to jone her about it. Body wise, she had a decent rack, but no buns, no curves, no hips, none of that. She was basically just a walking titty. But all of that goes out of the window when a playa is hard up.
J asked me about her and I told him that he should try to get at her. What I saw next, startled me. He was so professional that he didn’t even look at me and within mere seconds approached her and in a very smooth manor asked, “waiting on someone sweet heart?” She responds, ”yeah, this boy said that he was going to pick me up, but I don’t see him.” J then says, “Hmmm, he said that he was going to pick you up huh? It doesn’t seem like I see anyone coming down here right now.” I wanted to chuckle; As if he even knew what type of car the guy was going to be in. She responds, “at least that’s what he said.” J then without hesitation and a lot of what seemed to be concern states, “I love to cook. I have some steaks at the house and some macaroni and cheese from last night that I can heat up. You’re more than welcome to come eat with us. Me and Reggie probably will just be over there chilling and hanging out for a while.”
He was smooth. He was hundreds of years beyond the average 21 year old. What she DIDN’T realize was that J and Reggie weren’t about to do nothing other than try to find a female like her to GET to come to the house with hopes of engaging in intercourse. I
wasn’t going over his house by myself. That wasn’t about to happen. And I damn shore didn’t know anything about any food. She then took a look at him, then took a long look at me while I was sitting on the rail acting like I wasn’t paying any attention to their conversation, looks back at him and says, “I midas well, it doesn’t look like he’s coming.” J turns to me and says very respectfully, “It doesn’t seem like her friend is coming Reggie, she said that she wants to come with us to my house and get something to eat. I think that I’m going to whip up a little something.”
I played right along and very non-challantly as if this wasn’t the plan in the first place said, “oh, that’s cool. Y’all trying to go now?” The babe turned around and looked at me with that Joker like grin of hers and says, “I’m riding with you Reggie.” She jumps in my ride and we follow J to his house. Now that we have her that quickly inside of the car, I wondered, “what will it take to get her naked?”
When we got to J’s pad, J offered her a drink. It was as if we had some unknown telepathic powers or something between us. I wonder how do we get her naked and J whips up a drink full of alcohol for her out of nowhere? It was amazing. I sat with her in the front room while J cooked. I’d say 10 minutes later the babe asks me, “do you have some more?” Gladly I got up and told her, “Let me go ahead and check for you.” I then go in the kitchen to holla at J.
When I went in the back I started laughing to myself. J had on full cooking gear; an apron with the chef hat while he was stirring something. He asks me, “So, how’s she doing?” I told him, “this is how she’s doing.” And gave him the empty glass of what was once liquor. He busts out laughing and tried to hold it in and says, “she drunk all of that? Damn.” I was shaking my head smirking and said, “she wants another round too.” J says, “I don’t know if we need to give her one that quick yet.” I then asked, “why.” He says, “do you know what type of liquor that was?” I say, “no.” He then shows me the bottle and says, “she’s drinking this!” I began cracking up because she was drinking about as cheap a bottle of liquor as there was on the market brother.
I tell J, “But if that is what she wants.” He says, “I’ll just water it down this time. We don’t want the chick to die on us.” I started busting out laughing before he finished by saying, “Matter of fact, you can bring her in here. I’m almost finished.” I gave her the new glass and brought her to the kitchen. I looked over to her and noticed her blushing at J and she looked like she was feeling good. Like we were in middle school or something, this broad was actually blushing. She began getting really comfortable and took off her shoes.
Feeling a little loaded and not being a genius to start with, the chick starts asking us a series of dumb questions. With the first 3 questions I played it cool and acted as if what she was saying was actually valid, but by the 4th question her comments were so insane that I felt that I had no other choice but to say SOMETHING. She commented on the food. J had a full dinner prepared: A meat which was the steak, potatoes as your starch, broccoli as your vegetable and an orange for the fruit. This dimwit asked, “I wonder why they call oranges, oranges?” I asked emphatically, “what?” and J almost choked on his food while he was cooking from laughing so hard. Now mind you, we’re still in playa mode, but this had to be addressed. I asked again sarcastically, “you wonder what about oranges?” She said, “yeah, why do they call oranges, oranges?” I yelled, “because they are orange!”
Probably for the next twenty minutes I exclusively made jokes about her. “Answer me this, why do they call your ass your ass?” I sarcastically asked her and she replied, “be quiet Reggie” and laughed along with J and I. I’m for the game, but I could give a fuck less. I couldn’t take it anymore. The opportunity to laugh was too great. I felt like I had to do it. The beautiful thing though was that J didn’t care. This guy didn’t give a flying shit. He didn’t hold back his laughter at all. He didn’t give a shit if she thought it was funny or not, if we scored with this nimkumpoop either, he was cracking up all over the stove simply because he thought that it was funny. Finally J finishes up cooking and the chick starts eating and comments on how good he cooks. J answers passionately, “I love cooking, I mean, it’s something that I like to do. I like cooking in general sweet heart.” What female is not going to be turned on by that? She said with deep affection, “you really like to cook? Wow, I never met a man who said that he likes to cook for women?” He responds, “Yes I do.” She then says, “what else do you like to do or better yet, what do you like to do and do well?” “You stay around and I’ll show you.” J responds.
Sheeesh! I thought to myself; “this guy REALLY plays by the book.” And it was just what I needed to see. Another playa who plays hard, but plays by the rules. At this point she’s buzzed. Not drunk, but buzzed. She grabs J and says, “I need to talk to you.” I looks over at the two and she was whispering sweet nothings in his ear. She then comes over to me and says, “Reggie, give me a hug.” I was like, “all right” and gave the chick a hug and slipped my hand toward her buttocks region. She says, “ooh, that feels nice.” She had a relatively flat ass, but I must admit; they were some soft buns. She then goes to J and asks him for a hug. He hugs her and did me one better and gripped her butt. After he firmly grips her cheeks, she starts straight making out with the dude; tongue action and everything. I was grinning because J kissed her like one of those porno stars. The guy was really was into it.
After we finished eating we go into the other room and she’s still drinking. This babe starts dancing all out of control and one of her boobs popped out. J did what any respectable playa would do and told her when she tried to put it back in its container, “no, don’t do that, that was beautiful. I think that pretty baby is lonely, why don’t you pull out the other one so it won’t be so lonely?”
She sat there and thought about it and within seconds unleashed the other twin. With both hooters free J began playing with them then she tells me to come over and help. After playing with those babies for a good 2 minutes, I received a page from this other female that I HAD BEEN trying to get at. She was super fine and super duper bowlegged! I probably had been at her for a good 2 months or so and never could get her to hook up. When I dialed the number she was asking me what I was up to and then asked if I wanted to come by her house? Now I have a dilemma. Do I (A)get with what looks like a for sure bang with a below average looking chick who I’ll see tomorrow or do I (B)get with a super hot chick with the big booty who’s home alone that I’ve been working on for months? Hmmmm. So I told J and the chick that I’ll see them tomorrow at school.
It probably was weeks later before I talked to J again. When we did talk, we had a lot to talk about. I told him about the babe that I left his crib to go see and he told me about the chick who was there. We both scored. I was busting out laughing by the way he was describing the maneuvers that he was using on her. The female that I went to see was just
so fine and he wanted all of the details. We talked probably 2 hours, but it was a while after that before we talked again.
I was being myself during those months. I’d have a little fun, quite a few female friends and would try my damndest to put my friends on their friends. Some of them could handle it decently, but most of the time; they didn’t have a clue. Even if they did score, it wasn’t playa. I like for the situation to be cool and the atmosphere to be cool; for the conversation and game to be on a certain level. I also like having a few laughs also. I’d sit and watch guy after guy blow off a perfectly fine babe. It was disheartening to see. I just couldn’t get it. Here I am, giving away hot friend’s of females that I talk to and the vast majority of the times these cats would mess it up. Even worst, when I would try to give them a few pointers most times they wouldn’t take heed. It was like they were satisfied with being in the same zero category or either had too much pride to try to improve. I figured I midas well mack by myself, but I wasn’t willing to give up passing out hot chicks yet. Because at the same time, I still had friends who would put me on females and I would put the pipe to a few of those young ladies so I was getting something out of it, it just wasn’t nearly where I thought that it should be.
Months later it was the Summer of ’97 and I get a call one day from a fairly familiar voice telling me about these two young ladies that he had and how he needed a little help. The caller started the conversation like this, “you got to help me out. I am overloaded over here.” I began laughing when I heard this statement. It didn’t take me long before I figured out who it was and an even shorter time to get to his house to map out our plan. It was J again. I thought to myself, “finally, a guy who knows how the game should be run correctly.” Before I left to go to his house after he asked for my help I told him, “it would be an honor to assist you.” And he stated laughing.
His chick was thick. She looked like she couldn’t recite the alphabet, but she had a fat ass. The one for me wasn’t as hot. Her hair was in trouble, her body was in trouble and she had the skin of a lizard. I wasn’t used to this. Nine times out of ten the chicks that I dealt with were the chicks that everybody wanted to deal with. This chick; not so.
I didn’t care though, dude hit me up with complementary babes. Who knows, she might be cool and we might wind up being buddies or something. I prefer a certain type of female, but I will be cool and even friends with whoever is cool. Besides, she had a vagina. What do you expect me to do? Be like, “they aren’t good enough for me, I’m not going to try to score with a broad that I didn’t even have to work to get? No J, I’m not going to ask an obvious freak if I can hit when this man is doing this as a gift?” No way, I’m going to do what I did; put forth my best effort and try to bang this gremlin.
The first time was a whole lot of fun. Me, I’m a real playa, I enjoy just spitting game even if I don’t score. Sometimes I just want to interact with the opposite sex and other times I do it simply for the sport of it. But of course, I’m in it to score. I wanted this time for us both to score. I knew that he had what it took and we definitely worked well together as a team.
J asked me to come outside. This was going to be our strategy meeting like the time before. I respected his game so much because the average nimrod would not take so much care into what we put into smashing some babes. This guy, he was serious about it like a CEO mapping out a plan for a billion dollar company. J snickers when tells me, “Hey man, she may not be the best looking, but she’s ready to get naked. That’s all that
they’ve been talking about; how they can freak it like this, freak it like that. They’ve been playing all of these dance songs doing booty dances for 30 straight minutes. I had to call you.” I began laughing when he finished by saying, “I got something to ease the pain though brother. Look what we have.” He then goes into his car’s passenger side and reaches for a bottle. If you thought what we had the last chick on was cheap, that shit would be like a fine wine compared to this. I never even heard of the brand. It was some old crazy name to let you know that it was cheap like “Mad Joe’s Gin.” Yeah it was gin, retail priced: $11.00 dude. A whole gallon of liquor for 11 freaking dollars!
I looked at that muthafucka and fell out in the driveway laughing. I told him very exaggeratedly, YOOOOU, might be drinking that, buy it won’t be me buddy.” He laughed even harder then told me, “what do you think this bottle is for?” He then pulls out another bottle that looked just like it. I asked, “what is it for?” He said, “that bottle is for THEM, this bottle is for US. They think that it’s the same bottle, but in reality this is top notch vodka. I just poured it out into this bottle so that they’ll think that it’s of some quality. We’re going to already have our drinks poured by the time that we go in. They’ll see the liquor and of course want some and we’ll pour them a drink of THAT. By the time that they finish their first cup they won’t know the difference anyway. Let them lose their minds on the cheap stuff while we sip. And oh yeah, one more thing, you get firsts on the next round because it looks like you are going to be needing it buddy.”
These were your typical hood rats and I at this point in my life was a hood rat specialist. I was around it for all of my life and knew just what to tell them. Both of these had the big mouth, mine especially. They talked a whole lot of shit; to the point, where I was telling her to shut the fuck up. Don’t ask me how I did it, but all I remember was they had a couple of drinks, this chick being loud, me arguing with her and somehow reversing the game to where I had her with her shirt off on the couch, boobies exposed, her laughing and pimp in the bed with his. To make a long story short, we bagged the babes in the same room listening to Master P. By me finishing up first I was given the opportunity to get an eyeful of his big bootied babe in action. She was the one on top doing the work bro. Man!!! She was so thick.
They didn’t stop or nothing and I placed my hand under my chin, my elbow on his desk and focused on the entertainment. At first J stopped and started laughing once he noticed that I was checking the naked babe out. Then he looked at her to see how she would react. She turned around and looked at me for a second, then went back to work. “Wo! Well, what do we have here?” went thru my brain. “My, my, my.” Being the type of helpful guy that I am I was more than happy to try to be of assistance, so I weaved myself under the sheets to participate in all of the action.
Mind you, she sees all of this and says nothing, but maybe her mind was somewhere else. She seemed to be enjoying her and J’s activity. I wanted in though. I tapped her on the shoulder and she laughed. After that she went on with her work so I just went in the other room. You can’t force a female to do anything that she doesn’t want to do, so after a while I just wound up chilling pay per view style, and she didn’t mind at all. It was like she wanted me to see it.
The chick that I was with said that she felt a little neglected. But so fucking what? She said, “seems like you like what’s over there more than what’s over here. You think you can just do whatever. Don’t you?” I turned around and looked at her like she was from
Mars and said, “What, why don’t you go upstairs and do an activity or something? Why don’t you go get you a coloring book or something? Solve a jig saw puzzle.” J and his new female potna both busted out laughing.
J winds up taking the female that I was dealing with home and the female that he was dealing with spent the night with him. Everything was cool and I called J the next day to tell him good looking out and we talked a little while, but it was probably months after that again before we talked. As I stated before, it’s always something going on at that age. You have a thousand friends and a million places to go. It’s like a network or something of guys trying to find something to do, somewhere to just hang and someone to do. You’re going to most likely be into something. So me not talking to J after that wasn’t THAT strange.
I called the guy one day months later in September of ’97 and we talked a while. He told me if I wanted to I could fall thru, that he wasn’t doing nothing. That was a bet! I was looking forward to possibly working with the guy again. I had a few ladies in mind that had friends and I was pretty sure that he did too. I figured that we were going to get it going again. Instead though, when I got to his house he had a disturbing confession to make. Turns out that my friend J had a get this; a girlfriend?
Totally shocked I stated, “You got a girlfriend? Like a real girlfriend?” In a somber manner he responded, “yeah shouty.” I really didn’t think that he was even CAPABLE of having a girlfriend. He was just too smooth. I mean he was so much like me when it came to women and the last thing on my mind was a girlfriend. I mean, that shit wasn’t even a possibility. Not a real girlfriend! So again, me being totally puzzled asked him, “you got like, a chick that you have been trying to cut up right, that you told this shit to so that you can knock her down? Or it’s some broad with money? Not like, really your girlfriend?” He said, “Naw, she’s really my girlfriend.” I said, “what? But how?”
J says, “I just started talking to her a little while after the last time that you fell thru. It was the beginning of it. I met her in Summer School. We were supposed to go out, but I really didn’t have no money and she came in so quick out of her pockets and paid for everything. And we had a ball! We had fun just being around each other laughing and acting silly. She’s real fun Reg. I had the best time with a chick that I have had in years. Then she’s fine as hell. Oh, is she fine! Damn. I just was took. We started talking everyday and before I knew it I really wasn’t talking to anybody else but her. So, I was like fuck it, and asked her to be my girlfriend.”
I really couldn’t believe it. Now I’m in playa mode really just taking a playa’s position about the matter, you know, hearing the man out before I chose to respond. He was telling me how hot the babe was along with the fact that she was cool and they had so much fun together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could dig it a little bit, maybe he liked her for real, I figured that that might happen. But when he told me that they were seriously thinking about getting an apartment together, I knew that that he had lost his total mind.
That was it. “You mean to tell me, that you J the playa of the year, are about to get your first own crib, pay bills and limit yourself to one dame in your own shit? You can’t even invite another female over to bang? Man you tripping shouty.” His response was a sad sounding, “I guess so.” I tried my damdest to talk some sense into him. “Me and you, hooking back up, we’re going to stay around some broads dad. I mean, how can’t we?” I
saw it in him, more than anything else this pep talk was what he needed; Some one similar to him, reminding him of what he really is and what he really is doing to himself.
I’m pretty sure that he had a few friends who probably had some loser girlfriend that were telling him that it was the thing to do. Like, “yeah man, get a girlfriend, that shit’s cool.” In their minds they probably were thinking, “finally, a double date couple for me and my baby. We’re going bowling.” Because when I told him what I told him, he acted like it was a new concept! Coincidently, this was this guy’s birthday and I could tell that he was seriously slumping, so I invited him to accompany me to a beer. We drove to Decatur and while I was out there I called one of my female friends who lived in the area in hopes that she could get in contact with one of her friends for J to meet so that this guy can breathe life again.
Just getting a man around other women a lot of times can re-invigurate a guy, so that was the plan. That and to drop a couple of suds at the chick’s house. It didn’t go down exactly like that, but we were able to kick it over a female’s house for a little while, have a drink and him get away from his problems. The dude looked sad, but as I started hitting him upside the head with this playa shit, he started to lighten up a bit and started seeing a glimpse of joy again. Man, I looked at this cat and thought that it was crazy. I thought that you were supposed to be happy when you get a girlfriend. If this is how it was going to be; what’s the point?
We stayed a while then dipped. J said, “damn, where did you get her?” I responded, “you know how it is, you be out and you see something that you like so you holla. Actually I met her at the mall a few weeks ago. I was walking one way, she was walking the other way and when I passed her I said some off the wall type fly shit to her like I usually do and she busted out laughing. Once she did that, I turned around and said some other silly shit and got into a conversation with her. I asked her for her number and she was like call me tonight.” J says, “Man, she tall as hell to have an ass like that! Then she’s slim with it so it really sticks out. And those hips! Man.”
He seemed to be impressed, but you still could tell where really his head was at; his new baby. After this, J and I stayed in touch. It was interesting to me. I just couldn’t understand how it was possible. I’d be in his corner for encouragement and to keep him on his toes. I was feeling him because if it happened to him, I figured that there was at least a one in trillion chance that it could happen to me one day.