Can a 35 year old virgin who still lives in his father's basement truly be the hero that he's always dreamed of being? Breathred E. Petrifunck is about to find out. He is a vampire slayer with the mail order diploma on the wall to prove it, but is he ready to battle the Mother of Vampires on his first time at bat?
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Breathred leaned back, satisfied with his handiwork. The spell had worked just like the handbook said it would. He didnít have long to dwell on his success. A prickling dappled his spine. A weighty pressure fell on the base of his neck. The prickling rapidly became a cold sweat. He was too late. His stupidity had let him become entrapped in the vampireís grip.
He tried not to move, even though the smell his own fear filled the recesses of his quivering nose hair. He forced his hand to reach for a stake, but found he was immobilized with fright. He tried not to dwell on the fact vampire hunters did not freeze up when faced with a vampire. It was just so unseemly.
The vampire nuzzled his neck. The soft hair of its mustache sent goose pimples over the soft flesh. Breathredís right eye slowly moved to his side. Hoping for a glimpse of his captor, all he could see was the monsterís shadow frosting the left side of his face.
Then the beast struck. Four missiles of agony coursed through his neck. Breathred let fly an anguished squeal sounding like a cross between a game show contestant and an inebriated wildebeest. The sound seemed to weaken the vampireís hold on his brain. Breathred shot from the floor like a monkey on fire, but the vamp refused to relinquish his bite. Streaking from one end of the kitchen to the other, he tried to dislodge the bloodsucker to no avail. The vampire wouldnít let go.
Breathred would have thought his girlish whimpering would have Ďcaused the monster to release him, if for no other reason than to laugh at his hapless victim, but no such luck. A mad dash into the aging stove sent the old ladyís supper flying into the air. Luckily, for the floor, the majority of it landed on Breathred, scalding those areas not encased in leather and superheating those that were.
Another round of shrieks filled the air. This time they were of a higher octave, but no less annoying in timbre. Amid the howling, Breathred decided he had had enough. He was a vampire slayer, by Gumby.
Fallen Angels Reviews
Breathred E. Petrifunck is a virgin who lives in the basement of his parentís house. He received his degree in vampire slaying from The Boffrend School of Vampire Slaying. Stud Lee Monkey is a talking chimpanzee who is Breathredís familiar. Also there is Petrifunckís girlfriend Luna. She has a secret of huge proportions. Okay, these are the good guys and now on to the bad guys in the book. First there is Leopold du Chambris Portusm, a vampire prince who loves shopping. Next is his lackey Lewis. He can be pretty dimwitted at times. They want to resurrect the queen so they can rule the world.
Every vampire slayer needs to get this book by author Dr. William Wainsboro, author of the Boffrend School of Vampire Slaying Handbook, Volumes One through Thirty-Seven. Breathred refers to it as his bible. It has a great wealth of knowledge like always discuss your fees up front first, vampire slayers are to wear black leather bodysuits, and Dusk to Dawn is not just a movie but a way of life. This book was written as seen through the eyes of Stud Lee Monkey.
The prophecy states that the mother will rise to power again during the bleeding moon in addition to there being a sacrifice. It canít just be any sacrifice but a thirty-five year old virgin who was pure of heart and a slayer of monsters. Professor Grayson at the university calls for Breathredís services. She has unearthed an ancient tablet. Professor Grayson wants Petrifunck to come along as an advisor on her expedition. Will Petrifunck be up for the challenge or will it be too much for him?
Mis-Staked had me laughing from the very first paragraph. J. Morganís or actually I should say Studís witty sarcasm throughout the book was very entertaining. Mis-Stakedís very memorizing; it kept me coming back for more. Studís narration and his explanation of why things took place were comical. The challenges Breathred E. Petrifunck and his friends encountered were priceless, especially when he helped the little old lady with her vampire problems. Mis-Staked is a laugh a minute roller-coaster laughs till you have tears in your eyes ride. I recommend Mis-Staked.
Reviewed by: Cheryl
CK2S Kwips and Kritiques
The monkey is in charge and nothing will ever be the same again....
Breathred Petrifunk needs a job as living in his father's basement isn't helping him pay his comic book bills. What better job than vampire slaying? His sidekick and best friend, chimpanzee Stud Lee Monkey, isn't so sure. Breathred is ready for anything... except a possible girlfriend and his upcoming battle with the Mother of All Vampires! What is a 35 year old virgin supposed to do?
J Morgan has cautioned that MIS-STAKED should come with a "spew alert" to protect any computer monitors from what happens when the reader bursts into laughter. Boy, is this ever true! J. Morgan writes some of the most outrageously funny romantic comedy out there and MIS-STAKED is no exception.
Stud Lee Monkey is perhaps one of the funniest narrators I've ever read. His perspective on Breathred and the entire story adds just the right touch. Who can't help but love this cranky but hopelessly endearing chimpanzee and his seemingly awkward and geeky companion?
J. Morgan is never predictable and neither is MIS-STAKED. Don't be deceived into thinking this is just another vampire tale amongst the plethora of vampire stories out there. No, J Morgan doesn't hesitate to put his own unique spin on things, leaving the reader with one of the funniest stories I've read all year. MIS-STAKED is simply a story you cannot miss out on reading!
Reviewed by Debbie
Simply Romance Reviews
Mis-Staked is unlike any book I have ever read. It is funny, strange, and unbelievable and manages to get you wound up so tightly in the story you canít help yourself, Iím warning you, once you start you have to read until the end! J. Morgan does an excellent job describing Breathred E. Petrifunck or Breathy as his friend Luna calls him. He has to be one of the most loveable geeks in a long time, and yet there is more to him than meets the eye. His character building of the rest of the supporting cast is just as great, including dear Uncle Joan.
Set in Seattle, we join our hero as he is going on his first vampire slaying. Dressed in leather we get to hear how uncomfortable it is and how much it makes him sweat, but that is nothing compared to what happens when he actually arrives at his destination to slay the evil vampire. Between flying Hamburger Helper, snarling cats and a crotchety old lady the experience is a fiasco. Unfortunately this isnít Breathredís first disaster as we soon learn.
Oh wait I forgot to tell you one of the best parts, the story is told by Breathredís pet chimpanzee, Stud. Yup you read it right, his name is Stud and thatís what he fancies himself. Stud can also speak, apparently at least one spell Breathred tried actually worked! Along with the Stud muffin is Luna Walking Batch, the ďwould beĒ girlfriend, if Breathy ever takes his nose out of the comic books he loves long enough to notice.
So, where were we, yes, we have Breathred, Luna and Stud. They are hired by a professor at the university to help her determine if what she has found on her archeological dig is actually the Mother of all vampires. Meanwhile, two vampires are hot on their tail. Not only do they want the mother they want Breathred to sacrifice to the mother. You see Breathred is a 35 year old virgin. I did warn you, if you donít remember read up! *wink*
There is actually a very involved story in the midst of Mis-Staked, and even though there technically is an end, Mr. Morgan leaves enough loose ends to ensure youíll come back for more. Actually I could see a whole long series of the misadventures of Breathred and Luna, but hey thatís just me. Honestly, if youíre looking for a very out of the ordinary vampire book Ė complete with fart jokes, you really need to give this one a try. I laughed so hard in places my husband thought he was going to have to revive me. If nothing else, this book probably added about 2 years to my life span!
~Reviewed by Lynda
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