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Frank W. Bosworth

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Member Since: Feb, 2008

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Amok!
by Frank W. Bosworth   

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Books by Frank W. Bosworth
· Never Play Leapfrog with a Unicorn
· Staged Affair
                >> View all

Category: 

Humor

ISBN-10:  B000MGAIFY Type: 
Pages: 

85

Copyright:  Jan 16, 2007
Non-Fiction

See larger image

Paradise no longer lost. Paradise found, but oh, what a cost!

Amazon

Amazon.com: Amok! - Part 1: Frank W. Bosworth: Books

Excerpt
Chapter 3

Prunes have suddenly become a food group to me. With pits, sans pits, dried, moist or juiced, makes no difference. Bran, too. Bran flakes, bran muffins, any baked good containing the magic grain, have become my daily bread. And, where once could be found milk, soda, and other refrigerated beverages, a pre-prepped gallon of Metamucil, in a Kool-Aid smiley face pitcher, now sits front and center.

“What has this to do with your neighbor, your cat, a broken winged baby grackle, and a pack of elder grackles?” you ask.

Very good question. Please, allow me to explain.

It seems Oxycodine, the painkillers I have been ingesting for the past six weeks, have done a fine job quelling the pain brought on by the break of my foot. Unfortunately, however, the wonder drug has now been determined to be the root cause of what has become a major source of discomfort elsewhere. Of course, had I acted sooner, had I not waited twelve or so days, since my last calling, I wouldn’t be walking about not quite erect, with no spring in my once lively step, feeling dizzy, wearing a perpetual scowl and, I most certainly wouldn’t have this feeling of being a human time-bomb!

By sheer location, my newest medical malady required yet another doctor, so, my insurance provider gave me the name of a well-respected internist.

I sat on the paper-sheeted examining table, naked, but for my thin, pale green, mini-gown. No matter how I pulled at it, ‘How do women do this, day in and day out? or adjusted my position, ‘On ice-cold, blustery, winter days?’ I felt exposed, vulnerable, ‘At the office, with leering—‘ when the doctor walked in.

I believe he saw my immediate stress written all over my face, as he was short on nods and mumbled pleasantries, quickly turning to his medical cabinet. It was then I heard the snap of a single latex glove. My worst fear was but a fickle finger of fate away.

“On your side, prease.”

Prease?’ I know I heard correctly. “Um, I really think it best you didn’t do that.”

“No?”

“Yes. No,” I said, with a, ‘Take my word for it. Just trust me,’ grimace.

“Okay then.” Removing the rubber glove, he backed away. “When is the last—“ he started to say.

“About two weeks ago.”

“Oh, my. Fluits—“ he began, sitting at his desk.

“Beg pardon? Flu—?”

“We want to consume those edibers kissed by Mother Nature,” said my newest friend and colon confidant, Doctor Chou.

“What?”

“We want—“

“No, I got that. Ed…edi—“ I stammered.

“Edibers.”

“Edibers? I’m sorry, I—“

“Eat. Fluits.”

“Eat flutes?” ‘I’ll take Food Words for a thousand, Alex!’ “You want me to eat, eat wh—“

“Edibers,” he interrupted, scribbling on a notepad.

“Edibles!” I exclaimed, as if I had just won the lightning round.

“Yes. Edibers.” His laughing eyes seemed to enjoy my confusion a little too much. “We want to consume fluits, edibers, kissed by Mother Nature.”

“Oh, we do?” ‘I really must speak to my insurance provider.’

“Urtimatry, we want Mother Nature to kiss you with kindness,” he said, with a comforting smile.

“I’d prefer the colonic death grip from a crazed grizzly!”

“Clazed gliz—?” he started to question.

“Just a joke.”

“I, I…oh, coronics, yes, ha-ha.”

“That’s okay. It’s not important.”

“Ah, arlight. I want you to go—“

“You and me both, Doc!” I interrupted. I simply couldn’t help myself.

“Ha-ha,” he chortled, somewhat forced and phony. I was losing my audience.

“What do you recommend?”

“Plunes, glapefluits, laisins. You rike bananas?”

“Do I rike bananas? I ruv bananas!” I knew I was pushing it, but there are moments you just cannot let slide by.

“And, nuts. You rike nuts? Armonds, warnuts?”

“I rike those rittew ones. Um…” I was deciding the best way off the table. I had two options. Slide off, risking sure exposure of Mr. Happy. ‘Nothing he hasn’t seen a thousand and one times before,’ I told myself.

“Cocktair nuts?” he asked. ‘Still, he’s never met Mr. Happy.’ I elected to keep it that way. I opted to make a slight, but never-the-less jarring, push off the table.

“Yes. Those.” Because of the weakness of my slow to heal left foot, I had prepared for what might be a bit of discomfort in the landing. I was right, it hurt! I limped my way behind the changing screen, holding tight to my all-exposing rear window dressing.

“Too sarty.” I had to concentrate on keeping it all together. I had not prepared for the heavy landing to make me feel like, a very fragile, Humpty Dumpty.

“Okay. Then everything I need I can pick-up at the market?”

“Yes. How did you hurt your foot?”

I explained how Oxycodine had entered my life, exited from behind the screen, and grabbed my cane. He stood, extending his hand. I knew our time was over, but I needed one more chuckle. “No plescliptions necessaly?”

“No,” he said, with a knowing look. “No prescription will be necessary.” He spoke as clear as a bell. I felt like a child who had just been taken to task and proven a point. I felt so foolish; I’d rather he’d hauled off and slugged me.

I could have turned on my heels and abruptly left, but I felt my momentary lapse into ignorance needed an apology. “I didn’t mean any harm. I write little stories. I look for material everywhere.”

“You do? I do, too!”

“Really? You write? Any chance of reading your work?”

“You know Chinese?”

“Oh. No. I’m sorry. I just…well, you know.”

He smiled, again we shook hands. “No plobrem. My faurt.” His eyes sparkled as we laughed at his self-depreciating humor. “Now go. You have work to do.” On that, I left.

There are times you are the lone performer. There are times you are the audience. Then, there are times life thrusts you in a duet. I read somewhere, ‘All the world’s a stage and nobody wants to be a stagehand.’ It’s true. But, if we all play the lead, who will listen?




Professional Reviews

Smart and funny!
The late, phenomenal, John D. MacDonald once wrote: `Two of the most difficult areas to write in are humor and the occult. In clumsy hands the humor turns to dirge and the occult turns funny.'

Frank W. Bosworth may be clumsy (he never did explain just how he broke his foot), but he is not a clumsy writer. `Amok! - Part One' is, at times, elegant, delicate, subtle - and always funny.

Bosworth has an ongoing love affair with words and word-play, from the opening reference to John Milton, to the unabashed homage to Twain and Hitchcock. In fact, `Amok' could even be an oh-so-sly allusion to Pandemonium, the capital of Hell in Milton's epic poem, as well as a word that could be used to describe the madcap situations in this story. Hmmmmm. Bosworth might just be too clever for his own good.

The narrator, Frank himself, is an affable chap with a common rancor for telemarketers, an aversion to fishing and painkillers, and a palpable dislike for his `Frankenstein boot cast'. His neighbor, Carmen, is a sheer joy - Al Lewis meets Charles Bukowski - a hard-talking, hard-drinking, randy old curmudgeon you need on your side, even if you don't want him on your side.

Then there is Rebecca. Dear, sweet Rebecca. We already know Bosworth has a thing for Hitchcock, but was this a reference to Hitchcock's first film? The Rebecca here is no ghost, for sure, but just like the title character in Daphne du Mauriel's classic novel, we never get to meet her - we only hear about her, and the aura of wonder she casts over a story in which she never appears is, well. . . I know what she looks like, and her enchanting visage makes me smile. She will make you smile too.

There is a cat with a peculiar name (I simply must attempt the `Pam' trick on my dim feline), an appropriate cast of whacky neighbors, and a fetching little bird with a sad little problem that falls, almost literally, right at Mr. Bosworth's doorstep. Six winged nightmares swoop in with it (a dirty half-dozen) like angry cousins of that demonic fowl last seen sitting on a bust of Pallas. They are grackles. Grackles, apparently, are about as much fun as flying pit bulls, and could very well have been the inspiration for yet another Hitchcock film.

With the stage now set, the main characters gleefully introduced, and the hook of the story keenly inserted, Act One comes to a dramatic and interesting conclusion.

The only mystery left is how long before we download Act II?

For me, the answer was one simple click away.

There is a point in the story when Frank is looking at a beautiful sky, thinking: `Artists, humbled by heaven's untouchable palette, surely weep.' He hops inside to jot that down, thinking the line is a keeper. He would be right.

So is this story.

E. Robert Orn


Getting the giggles going!
Wow...this is good. What fun I am having sitting at my computer snickering away! I'd recommend for anyone who's looking for a good piece of entertainment. Love to write more...but I need to get on to chapter 2! Looking forward to more laughs!


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Reader Reviews for "Amok!"

Reviewed by Julie Donner Andersen 8/19/2008
I can sympathize - Tylenol 3's give you the same need for a Rotor Rooter cocktail, and I've been popping them like mad the last few days for a twisted ankle. Ow.

Frank, you really have a grip on the pulse of humour writing. Hope to read more from you!

Julie

Reviewed by Frank Bosworth 3/17/2008
Any & all comments/reviews are welcome. 'Amok!', a seven chapter novella, is available on Amazon in three parts. At fifty cents per part...that's twenty-one cents per chapter! Such a deal in these tight money times.

Happy reading,
Frank Bosworth



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