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Valerie M. Pederson

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Surviving Being Single Past 40: Living Life Fully With or Without a Partner
by Valerie M. Pederson   

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Publisher: ISBN-10:  1411644352 Type: 



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Surviving Life Mindfully

Empower yourself as a single person with information, practical suggestions, affirmations and meditations. This book will empower you so that when you are asked "Why aren't you married" you will stand tall and provide an answer that makes you feel strong and confident in who you are today.

This book includes the following helpful information:

Statistics on being married.  You may not be surprised to know that more people are remaining single these days, but did you know the percentage is over 40%.  Today's options to not getting married and having children are unlimited and this chapter discusses how single people over 40 today are living their lives.

Handling finances.  Are you hesitant about making large purchases?  Afraid the sales person will not give you as good a deal because you don’t have a partner standing beside you?  Wondering what steps to take to get a mortgage or add an addition onto your current home?  This chapter will empower you when buying goods and services.  It provides you the know how about what to expect when you buy something and what to do if something goes wrong.

Living Single, Living Now. There are days, I know, when you can sit around your home and think of all you do not like about your single life.  You may think “I’d be so much happier if I was married.”  This chapter will help you to enjoy life whether you are single or not.  It will help you look look beyond the downs of being single and find ways to enjoy you.  It will tell you about places to go on vacation and be comfortable as a single person.  How to deal with your parents pestering about why you aren't married.  It will teach you how to get over those bumps you only encounter when you are a single person.

Meeting Someone.  Though this book purposely focuses on providing you the information to make an informed decision about being single or married, I didn't feel it would be complete without including an informed way to find a partner.  This chapter will provide a chart that contains over 50 characteristics to help you decide what you really want in a mate. It will also lead you through the steps to finding a mate, going on the first date and handling rejection (if hopefully that doesn't occur).

Look Inside to Find What You Need.  This chapter will help you to attain the life you want through deep relaxations and affirmations.  Affirmations are supplied that will help us become happier, decide if you want a life partner, and how to deal with the emotions that this all evokes.  Guided meditations will help you feel relaxed when you go on that first date, feel empowered even though you just had a relationship end, and deal with the sadness that occurs when we haven't had a date for a while. 
I was married when I was 44 years old. Many people might think that a person who marries that “old” does so because they rarely dated or didn’t get out much. That certainly was not the case with me. My relatively late marriage was a definite result of a combination of a fear of long term relationships and (at least in my 20’s) just not wanting to get married at all.
I kissed my 10th boy on my 16th birthday. Even though I was a tom boy, the boys I hung out with also were into knowing what kissing was about, and so was I. By the time I was 21, I had been proposed to eight times. All of this led me to believe that I could marry when I wanted, and I certainly didn’t want to get married before 21. In fact, when I was 22, I saw life as a fairly routine, dull continuum – Birth –> College –> Marry –> Kids –-> Death. I do not know which scared me more, marrying, death or the predictability of it all.
The fear of the life continuum changed by the time I was 28 and had ended (actually he ended) a long term relationship. Suddenly, I felt like an old-maid – and my sister (who had married at 19) encouraged that feeling. She would ask me who would want me now – and I’d better get married soon, or I’d never have kids.
Hmmph, kids, another thing to think about. I really liked kids, and kids really liked me. Where did kids stand in this picture of getting married? Suddenly, I was thinking I should get married soon because (like many people were saying) all the good ones would get taken. I began dating furiously. An activity I always abhorred – thinking that it really didn’t tell you anything about the person – just a way to pass time and please family members by being able to say with a smile – Yes, I’m dating. At 30, I had my next serious fling – with someone 8 years my junior. He made me feel young, energetic and attractive. But, I still wanted a serious relationship and not too long after my fling ended, I found who I thought fit all the criteria I was looking for: nice looking, taller than I, had been an Eagle Scout, had a good job and came from a good family. What more could I ask for? – OH YAH – that he DIDN’T GET DRUNK MOST EVERY DAY!!!! A minor (not!) fact that I somehow over looked. Oh, but I was in love and I thought things could work out – after all he had all the other characteristics I wanted. We moved in together and bought a house. Now, I am not one who likes to regrets actions I’ve taken – but this was the biggest mistake I had ever made in my life. The house became a chain around my neck. A chain that my boyfriend kept taking apart in his blackouts and never finding the time to put together when he was sober. By the end of the relationship (which lasted about 6 years) he was cheating on me and the house looked like a hurricane had hit it. I finally asked him to move out and he did – in with his other girl friend.
For the next number of years, I went through what I might refer to as my Crush Years. One after the other I developed an attraction for a number of inappropriate men. Whenever I had a quiet moment I would dream about was this man. I would dolt on how his neck curved so cleanly, or how often he talked to me. I would imagine how wonderful my life would be – if and only if – he wasn’t gay, he would ask me out, or he didn’t have a girlfriend – if only. . .
I would try doing some of the practical stuff – such as dating. But, that didn’t work out at all. Finally, I realized (with the help of some dear friends) that the reason I was developing these crushes was because I had been badly hurt in my last relationship. I was afraid to get into another “real” relationship, one where I didn’t just daydream about being held romantically, but would really be held in someone’s arms. I took this information to heart.
It wasn’t long after that, I met Mark, whom I ended up marrying.
Can I say that being married is the be-all and end all? Not quite. Being married is OK. But, sometimes it is a lot of hard work, constant compromising being the biggie. Being single was OK too, but there are challenges there, like I was lonely a lot. I look at my single life and think, I was pretty happy (esp. when I wasn’t thinking about the man I wasn’t dating). If I knew then what I know now, I would have been a lot more happy when I was single. I wouldn’t have obsessed about finding the right man. I wouldn’t think about the things I couldn’t do because I didn’t have a man. I wouldn’t feel embarrassed because I was 40 and still single. A person can be single (divorced or widowed) and be happy at any age – and that is what this book is about.
I believe if you resolve the types of day to day issues, such as th ones described in this book, you will be closer to being centered in your life and making the wise choice of marrying or staying single, and being living life fully either way.
I have been a meditator for many years. I have found that positive thinking; affirmations and relaxations helped me maintain a steady attitude. Also, I felt that if every day I did certain activities, then I also felt better. I talked this over with friends and one (a therapist) said that I should write that down and market it.
I hope this book will help you through your single 40’s, 50’s or whatever age you are as you date, not date, but either way grow as a person.

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Reader Reviews for "Surviving Being Single Past 40: Living Life Fully With or Without a Partner"

Reviewed by Peter Egan 5/15/2012
I think I may just have to buy this one! Granted, I'm not 40 yet (75% of the way there), but if the next decade is anything like the last one I'll still be single in another ten years. Might as well get the learning done now...
Reviewed by Alex Mahon 5/11/2012
Interesting take on over 40s life. I never got married until I was 45 and even that was a quiet affair. Most people I know who got married young also got divorced young.

Good luck!
Reviewed by Richard Orey 5/5/2012
Fabulous book.

Your section on Handling Finances leads me to suggest that a self-help book I have posted on AD is a good companion for your book. Even in Chapter One of my book, I begin by talking about how a young woman now single, again, can best learn to cope with the challenges of personal and business transactions. My book is titled, "How to be Smart, Shrewd & Cunning--Legally!" I invite you and all AD readers to check it out.

My first-born daughter is now 59 and still single. She loves her life, but she also would have found much benefit from your book to help her find her way in life in her earlier years.

Reviewed by Blondie Clayton 8/19/2010
Val, I remember a friend saying that when we graduate from high school, all that was left was to either go off to college, get married, have kids and life was over. So I rushed into marrying the first man who showed interest. BIG MISTAKE.

Singles do have a lot of pressure from family and friends. Thank you for being so candid in sharing your story with such detail. You are not alone. Others find themselves in the same boat.

I've had two husbands for all the wrong reasons, and God blessed me with one we have grown together and we are celebrating 25 years.

Prior to this marriage I spent 8 years single and loving me regardless of what friends said.

Thank you! Thank you!
Reviewed by Shelley Patten-Forster 4/11/2008
This review may sound disgruntled at first, but read it through. It's actually a compliment on the synopsis of your book. :-)

After being single for the past 8 years, in my 40's, my children and I have struggled in many ways. Disrepect by neighbors because I didn't make the income they did. Didn't have a man around to help with the yard work and expensive furniture, while children ridiculed my son because he wasn't always being handed $20.00 bills for everything he wanted to do.

A mother can only work and love her children so much. But, when today's children judge others by how much money they can squeeze from Mommy/Daddy and if they're wearing brand name shoes and clothes, then life isn't so peachy when Mom is single.

Your book will be a huge boost for those who are feeing down about being single. You are so right. Looking at the right perspective, one CAN truly enjoy being single. They are their own person, knowing their comfort zones, likes/dislikes, can travel when they desire. They are free to soar on their own wings and power.

I will definitely be on the look out for this in my local bookstores.
Reviewed by Shannon Phoenix 8/4/2007
I hate that alot of ugly women have husbands.

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