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Allen Parker's NUdist AMong Us Series
Chester, Karalyn, and Ajay continue their zany ways as we continue the humorous lives of a nudist family linving in a small conservative community
A Mouse Among Us
A new and mostly ghastly event invaded the family again. As I lay asleep in my comfy bed, my wife and son fought off the enemy of most dread, the common field mouse. From the warm cozy bed, I heard the battle cry of the defending army.
"Chester, get down here"! Screamed my wife.
"I’m still asleep," I replied as I turned my ear into the pillow.
The next few minutes are a blur. I started out in my bed, covered with a warm blanket. When I finally got my eyes to focus, I had a finger size gouge in my earlobe and my ear was stretched into some Silly Putty shape that I have never seen before. I noticed this while staring into the glass front on our stove. I don’t really remember the trip through the bedroom, or the tumble down the stairs, or the slide into the kitchen. I do have the scars that came as a result of the trip, though.
While reclining on the floor in front of the stove assessing my bruises, I noticed a small furry creature eating the crumbs that had collected underneath the stove over the past few years. Since my wife had been after me to clean out behind the stove for weeks, I was glad that there was someone hard at work correcting my slight oversight in cleanliness. I was saddened that I had not thought of this method weeks before. It would have saved me several minutes of tongue lashing each evening.
My wife, however, didn’t see the value in keeping the little fellow around. No matter how helpful he was being, she wanted him removed from this house. I tried to explain how much fun he would be to have around. He was already serving a vital function in the family. I couldn’t imagine that there could be any better pet than one that would do chores. My wife still wasn’t moved.
To put it mildly, someone in this house was going to be snapped in a mouse trap. It could be the mouse, or it could be me. Thankfully, my wife let me choose who.
I pondered on the various methods of removing the small rodent from our home. I first invited him to leave. I explained that he had outstayed his welcome and that leaving now would avoid an embarrassing social scene with my wife.
I was shocked that he didn’t follow protocol and advance his retreat post haste. My wife, however, just cut her eyes in my direction. I had seen this sign before. In our marriage the cutting-eyes gesture is similar to the middle-finger gesture in the rest of the world. In marriage language, it means that it will be a cold time in the old bed tonight.
Plan two entailed a broom and waste basket. I gave my son the waste basket and stood him in front of the stove. I took the broom and pushed the bristles behind the mouse and thrust the little fellow toward the basket.
I think this plan failed as a result of poor instructions on my part. What I had envisioned was that when the mouse was swept into the open, my son would place the can over the mouse, trapping him between the floor and the can. I failed to foresee the need to instruct my fourteen-year-old son to not throw the can in the air and run screaming from the room. He also took the opportunity to lock himself in the bathroom and block the crack at the bottom of the door with a towel. The mouse seized this opportunity to seek a more formidable location to hide. He chose the pantry. Good choice if I do say so.
Well, on to plan three. Seeing that there is no real rational reason to believe any of my plans would work, given the help available to me that morning, I chose to try my wife’s plan. I took the spring trap from the garage and loaded it with peanut butter. I rolled the spring back and secured the lock in place. Securing may have been an exaggeration. The dang thing crashed into my awaiting finger, sending waves of pain up my arm. Once the throbbing subsided, I returned to setting the trap. You would think after experiencing the pain of one poorly set trap that I would have been much more careful the second time. I am, however, not known for my trap-setting skills and proceeded to strike my fingers again. I am glad I used the other hand this time. Now I have a matched set.
Karalynn joyously watched as the traps slapped me each time. Following the second incident, she grabbed the trap and set it for me. Handing me the trap, she stormed out of the room and headed to the living room. A powerful drive to stick my tongue out at my wife engulfed me as she walked out the door.
"Don’t stick your tongue out with a loaded trap in your hand," she said without looking back.
How silly I thought she was as I sat the trap on the floor by the pantry door. Even I could not get my tongue stuck in a mouse trap. How silly she was for even thinking such a thing. The trap was way too strong to be released by the mere touch of a human tongue on the lever. Just to prove how silly she was, I touched my tongue on the lever.
Words can not describe the pain of having to hear your wife repeat over and over "I told you so" while trying to dislodge a mouse trap from your beard and tongue. I saw blue streaks flashing before my eyes. My wife says it was just the language that was emanating from my mouth. It couldn’t have been that since my mouth was preoccupied at the moment.
A Mouse Among Us and Other Critters
By Allen Parker
Pub Info: PublishaAmerica
Reviewed by Denise M. Clark – March ’04 for
Denise’s Pieces Author Site & Book Reviews
In his second book, humorous author Allen Parker offers yet more hilarious vignettes about life among ‘normal’ people. For instance, in this delightful collection of short stories, the author takes us on a journey into, perhaps, all our pasts, with a tale called “Summer Fun at the Beach”. While his characters deal with zany relatives and the seemingly endless preparations for what should be a simple beach trip, the reader is compelled to remember similar situations and memories from our own pasts, some funny, some not so, but this reader couldn’t help but shake my head in helpless mirth as I read about sandy sandwiches, pleas to stay out of the sun (Yes, at the beach) and the ever present dilemma of getting everyone to the bathroom at the right time.
Yet other stories, one such titled, “The Friend’s Dilemma” brings to mind the precarious and sometimes tenuous bonds of friendship, between both young men and women, all with their own personal agendas. Another witty offering was titled, “A Mouse Among Us”, hence the title of this book. This story is so funny it defies description, but suffice it to say that author Parker has somehow managed to capture the nature, not only of many women, but men in general, in the unlikely format of how one deals with a little tiny, fuzzy, seeming harmless little creature that one’s wife literally asks one to assassinate.
Well, you get the picture, I think. If you’re in dire need of some good laughs, Allen Parker’s “A Mouse Among Us” will fit the bill. Well written, with a fine balance between narrative and dialog, and filled with zanily amusing stories, this book kept this reader/reviewer entertained for hours. I don’t think I’ve ever choked on my food while reading a book, but I learned my lesson with this author. Be prepared to chuckle and laugh outright at the most unexpected comments Parker manages to insert into the pages of his newest offering. While this reader had to ask herself from time to time if some of these stories actually occurred, or if they were indeed made up, I realized it didn’t matter. There is enough truth in each of them to convince me that the author not only has a wonderful imagination, but, in the offhand possibility that he actually experienced what his wonderful characters did, that his life is never dull.
Bottom line, if you want to be entertained, this is the book to entertain you. Guaranteed.
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