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Joel Orr

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Every Man a Hero, Every Woman a Coach
by Joel Orr   

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Books by Joel Orr
· Structure is Destiny: The Dandelion Paradox
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Publisher:  Solomon & Siegel ISBN-10:  0977324206 Type: 


Copyright:  September 17, 2005

Every Man a Hero, Every Wife a Coach

How to have the marriage you always wanted!

Every Man

a Hero,

Every Woman

a Coach

Joel N. Orr



Other books by Joel N. Orr

Structure is Destiny:
he Dandelion Principle
[revised 2005]

The Victorious Engineer

Thoughts on Engineering Automation

The CIM Handbook

with Eric Teicholz

The CAD/CAM Anthology

The Computer Graphics for Management Anthology


Fall 2005

The Even More Victorious Engineer


Summer 2006

Manage by Respect




Every Man

a Hero,

Every Woman

a Coach

Joel N. Orr

Every Man a Hero, Every Woman a Coach

Copyright © 2005 by Joel N. Orr;

All rights reserved.

ISBN: 0-9773242-0-6



Cover design and art: Russell Barr

Back cover photo: Carole Janet Oste

Editing and layout: The Instant Editor;





Grateful acknowledgement is made for permission to reprint the following in its entirety:

"Feminism is Mugged by Reality," by Phyllis Schlafly. Reproduced by permission of Eagle Forum, 2005





Solomon & Siegel Publishers

New York, New York

Printed in the United States of America


This book DOES NOT say that women are inferior to men. Far from it! It says men cannot really be fully men without taking advantage of their wives’ world-building skills.

Gold-medal winners owe their achievements to their coaches—the ones who had a vision of what their athlete could achieve, and then helped them move beyond their natural tendencies into greatness.

Athletes need a proper relationship with their coaches. Without a close relationship with the one who has the vision of what they can achieve, their athletic potential remains just that: potential, not achievement.

This book DOES say that without respecting the enormous world-building skills of his woman, a man cannot achieve his full potential. He may achieve great things, but he’ll be limping along at a much lower level of achievement than was his potential.

This book also says that without a proper coaching relationship with her husband, a woman is handicapped in her search for personal fulfillment. She may achieve great things, but she’ll be limping up to get her gold medal.

Yes, a woman occasionally needs coaching from her husband. But until he has made her truly part of himself in his heart of hearts, he can’t see her well enough to advise her.

BOTTOM LINE: Whatever else a woman does, she needs to coach her husband into his own greatness so he can encourage her into her own greatness. It’s enlightened self-interest!




Would you like a FREE weekly email message from me on Hero/Coach issues? Write me at with "subscribe" in the subject line.









































To N’omi,

My dear Coach, without whom I could not have become myself.



Thank you to the many people who generously commented, and who insightfully read and marked up the pre-publication manuscript—pointing out many ways to make this a better book.

It’s interesting that no two people offered the same suggestions. I implemented them all. I think. If I missed anything, it’s my fault, not the fault of the wonderful readers.

And my most especially heartfelt thanks to:

Vicki Bentley

Geoffrey Butlin

Christine Chukabarah

Jason Cooper

Florence Feldman

Jerry Filler

Kati Grow

Drew Kennedy

Fredric and Adrienne Lorenzen

Jeff and Anne Miller

John J. Miller

Mary Jo Nutting

John and Patricia Orr

Diane Ross

Amy Rowell

Jon Ruthven

David Sherman

Ramon and Antoinette Williamson

Terry Wohlers







IF YOU AGREE with at least two of these statements, you’ll get a lot out of this book:

1. My mate doesn’t listen to me.

2. Our love life is routine or non-existent.

3. My mate constantly nags, complains, criticizes, and reminds me of every thing I ever did that they didn’t like.

4. Money issues are ruining our marriage.

5. I’m thinking of leaving, but…

6. We’re incompatible.

7. I’m not appreciated, no matter how hard I try.

8. I wish I knew how to reach my mate.

9. The romance is gone.

10. We argue all the time.

11. We don’t have the same life goals.

12. We can’t both work and have a good relationship.

13. My mate’s family doesn’t like me.

14. Our children are driving us apart.

15. My mate doesn’t really love me.

16. I think I may have married the wrong person.




























Dr. Laura speaks to world-building women:

"Contrary to what a good forty years of feminist propaganda has claimed, it is not oppression, subjugation, or abdication of any feminine quality-of-life potential to marry a man, be proud of your bonding, rejoice in your gifts and sacrifices for your marriage and family, and derive pleasure and sustenance from your role as a wife and mother."

Dr. Laura Schlessinger, in

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands



























What is a "hero"?

Some definitions from


n. pl. heroes

1. In mythology and legend, a man, often of divine ancestry, who is endowed with great courage and strength, celebrated for his bold exploits, and favored by the gods.

2. A person noted for feats of courage or nobility of purpose, especially one who has risked or sacrificed his or her life: soldiers and nurses who were heroes in an unpopular war.

3. A person noted for special achievement in a particular field: the heroes of medicine. See Synonyms at celebrity.

4. The principal male character in a novel, poem, or dramatic presentation.

5. Principally in New York City, a sandwich made on Italian bread cut lengthwise, and filled with meats, cheeses, salad vegetables, and condiments.

What this book is about,
and why you should read it

You can be happily married. Your marriage can be a source of joy, growth, and fulfillment unlike any other in your life. Here’s a little purple pill. Just take it every morning…

Oops! Sorry; I don’t have such a pill to offer you. And frankly, I don’t think one exists.

What I am offering you is a new way to look at the very old truths about the relationship between a man and a woman. It’s a new model for marriage that will work like the imaginary "little purple pill," if you start to put it to use in your life.

My own experience—and that of the many couples my wife, N’omi, and I have spoken with—is that anyone who adopts this model and applies it consistently gets everything the imaginary little purple pill promises, and more.

So what’s the model?

The model, Part A: Every man is born to be a Hero, to be loyal and true and brave, to be accomplished in some way, and to overcome great challenges in his quest for the purpose of his life.

We men instinctively know this. In our heart there is always the question: Where is the challenge that justifies my life? What is the ennobling goal that lights my path?

The model, Part B: Every woman is born to be a Coach, to be loyal and true and brave, to be accomplished in some way, and to overcome great challenges in her quest for the purpose of her life.

A woman is born with innate world-building skills.

If she follows the biological imperative and gives birth to children, she is able to build a world for her family as she nurtures and coaches them into their individual greatness.

As she grows by building a world for her family, she cannot help but be heroic herself; it’s in the nature of being a mother. And she cannot help growing in her ability to understand and help her husband.

Using her instincts and gifts properly, she can help the man in her life achieve his own greatness.

If her husband receives her as the one who can help him achieve his best in every aspect of life, he becomes the Hero he was meant to be, and she becomes a heroic Coach. Her world-building skills enable her family to thrive.

By her choices of values and day-by-day routine, her children can be safe in a family world that nurtures them into full humanity. Her husband, as he is encouraged by her to be the heroic protector and provider the family needs, is also training to accomplish great things in his world away from home.

For mothers, coaching children is good training for coaching husbands. It teaches a woman to give the same helpful comments hundreds of times while maintaining a good attitude: "Put your socks in the hamper; brush your teeth; if you hit your brother, expect him to hit you back. This is a recorded announcement."

It’s also a fact that women often know things that are beyond the intuition of most men. They have special sensitivities, special capabilities for their coaching role. For most women, life’s biggest and most challenging project is coaching her Hero and building a world together with him: if he’ll let her.

The greatest joy a man can experience is to have a loving bond with his wife and children in which he sees himself as their natural protector from the dangers and evils of this world, and as their natural provider with the things necessary for their lives to thrive, materially, intellectually, and spiritually.

But we live in a time in which the understanding of how a family works has been lost. Most of our mothers and fathers were not able to be good models for us. They didn’t know how to mesh with one another, and didn’t know how to find the joy that comes with fulfilling our natural instincts and individual heroism.

Due to this loss, and many other social factors, a strong drive to socially and physically destroy men has arisen in the United States.

They’re fed soy milk, which is loaded with female hormones (Google "soy, dangers" to read more about this), and are trained to behave like little girls. Efforts begin in infancy to feminize boys and to disapprove of their manly traits.

They’re forced into school years before they’re ready—in many cases—to handle this kind of restraint. They’re ordered to sit quietly and work with their minds instead of their muscles, and if they can’t, they’re labeled "learning-disabled," and doped with Ritalin and other psychotropic drugs (Google "Ritalin, dangers").

Ritalin is called "kiddie cocaine," because it behaves like cocaine in the child’s brain. And it unfits the child to develop relationships or interests outside himself.

Most ADD or ADHD traits in boys appear to be caused by three main factors: diagnosing normal boyish behavior as abnormal; dietary reactions to an overabundance of sugars and starches in their diets; being kept in a constant state of anxiety due to constant arguing between the parents—especially over how to discipline or educate the boy.

None of these indicate any problem on the boy’s part, but he’s the one who gets drugged!

Also, these days, most schools teach lots of information, but little that will support young men in living up to the potential greatness inside each of them.

After graduation, boys go out into the world and find themselves penalized for being male—in college and job opportunities, and in most areas of life.

Even the military is no longer a place where men can learn to be men. Now they learn to live like rabbits, with about the same moral and intellectual climate. Many soldiers turn to religion to help them avoid "the near occasion of sin" in the midst of danger and boredom.

In our culture, men are now mocked and derided. And almost no one is telling men how to regain their manhood.

So we’ve been reduced to either following our feelings—which are seldom reliable long-term guides—or creating our own model upon which to base our behavior.

There are other models for male/female, husband/wife relationships besides the one I’m going to describe.

But this book is about the Hero/Coach model, because I know it works. I’ve lived it for over 30 years, and have seen it work for my grown children, and for countless others.

It will work for you, too—if you’ll "just take it every morning," and let it influence the day’s choices.


Would you like a free weekly email message from me on Hero/Coach issues? Write me at with "subscribe" in the subject line.



How this book is arranged:

  • Every chapter stands by itself—though they all support one theme: Marriage can be joy if we know what behaviors to choose.

  • Each chapter deals with one aspect of the Hero/Coach model—one set of ideas that have helped men and women achieve fulfillment through understanding themselves and others in new ways.

  • At the end of each chapter, there are three kinds of KEY POINTS: to think about, to discuss; and to take action on.

Marriage is not 1 + 1 = 2. That would be equality. Marriage is a partnership, to which each partner brings a different assortment of qualities: character traits, aptitudes, attributes, opinions, beliefs, and other accumulated stuff that makes them who they are.

In fact, this means that no two humans, regardless of gender, are really "equal" when they meet.

But in marriage, you are joining two very different sets of qualities, and adding gender qualities to the equation. This is a volatile mix because marriage is a partnership of unequals, not an equality of two identical parties.

We need to discard the idea that "unequal" means one is superior and one inferior. That’s NOT what it means.

"Unequal" just means "not the same," or "different." And anyone can see that every human is different from every other human.

Furthermore, many studies—psychological and physiological—show that men have many traits in common with each other that they don’t share with women.

And many similar studies show that women have many traits in common with each other that they don’t share with men.

Bottom Line: Marriage is a partnership, but not an equality. As a partnership, it consists of two very different people who bring different qualities to the relationship.

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