Excerpt
Silver and Pearls Standing at her back, plaiting her long strands of freshly washed silver and pearls into methodically woven cornrows aligned from the tip of her high prominent forehead to the nape of her neck. This style had to last for a long time, so it had to be done just right. I had no idea when someone, anyone would take the time to wash and comb her hair again after I went home. Looking down at her freshly washed face, I told her how nice she looked. She returned a toothless smile. Deep inside of me, negative karmic feelings of resentment, bitterness and anger were literally tearing through the utmost depth of my soul. Pulsating sensations of pain fueled by disgust ate away at my throat as I tried my best to appear normal to her... for her. She was always there through all major and minor events in my life. She was only a call away. As an adult I always stayed in touch sending her money when I could. I called her every Saturday morning. I would listen about friends and neighbors whom she considered lucky to have passed on. She began to alienate family members, neighbors and what few friends that were still living. Most of them took her anger personal... but she wasn't really angry with them...She was angry at living. I entered her tiny apartment I found her sitting in her favorite easy chair by the front window. A smell ran throughout the whole apartment. I quickly went to run her a bath. While the water was running, I went to open the window and allow some fresh air in. Dust and dirt was layered and caked onto the drape fell into my eyes as I pulled them back.. I worked around her, picking up things that she no longer could reach due to the arthritis that had settled in her hands, legs and back. I made a mental note to go to the department store and buy some bright new curtains for her window. I went to help her undress. She has decided not to take a bath. She tried to stall by saying that she was hungry. I told her that if she took a bath that I would get her some spicy chicken, she agreed. As I undressed her, deep feeling bitterness crept into my mind and my heart. I fought hard to hold back the emotions that I was feeling. I didn't want her to know the repulsion that I felt as I peeled away her soiled clothing. I finished bathing her, quickly excusing myself and went alone into the bathroom closing the door quietly behind me. I turned on the faucet to drown out the sound of tears. Streaming hot tears of anger, disgust and even hatred poured from my throat as I stared at myself in the mirror. How could anybody allow her to live this way? Tears flowed freely as I bent down to let the now pitch black bath water out of the tub. Staring as the water whisked down the drain, I realized that I had just given my 81-year-old grandmother the first bath that she probably had in months. Subconscious flashes of how, just thirty minutes before, I carefully lowered her gently into the white porcelain tub, kneeling down beside her, and began to scrub her back, the water blackening with every rinse. In order to wash her silver pearl gray hair, I had to transfer clean water from the sink with a water filled wash cloth to her hair in order to shampoo and rinse her hair. I listened to her tell of paying the apartment's maintenance men five dollars to help her in and out of the tub whenever she had the money to spare. Thanking the almighty for allowing no harm to come to her, while in her most vulnerable state with the same breath and asking for forgiveness for the contempt that now filled my soul for the others who didn't care. I wanted to scream.