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Cliff Woffenden

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A Hand Book of Forestry Terms
by Cliff Woffenden   

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Books by Cliff Woffenden
· A Pilgrim's Way
· Ghost Peoples - The Sinixt:Recovering from Extinction
· but now I see
· The Freedom of Responsibility
                >> View all

Category: 

Humor

Publisher:  Howling Moon Productions ISBN-10:  1969458517 Type: 
Pages: 

116


Non-Fiction

See larger image

A Humorous Look at Forestry Terminology
or
What they Really Mean When They Say...


I downloaded the BC Forestry terms from the Forest Ministry's web site and altered the descriptions slightly and drew 110 cartoons with a mouse to make it fun.
I thought it would appeal to environmentalists but I have sold more copies to forestry workers. Go figure!
Here is a look at the comments on the back cover:

What others have to say about this book.

"It depends on your defenition of the truth." - Bill Clinton

"God guides my hand. This book must have been inspired by the devil." - Ian Hammon, Forestry Enforcement Officer

"AAIIIIEEEE!!!!" - Brian Simplton, Forestry District Manager

"Fuddle Duddle! I believe I wet my pants laughing." - P.E. Trudeau

"There are times when the truth just isn't funny. This isn't one of them. It's a good thing." - Martha Stuart

"I think it's about time someone exposed those #.*!?#.*!!!!" - Abbe Hoffman

"Zis proves my theory of relativity. Deforestation is relatively gross and stupid. Bureaucrats are relatively inept or as Darwin might say 'relatives of the apes'. Zis book is relatively funny. Funny is relative to your zense of humor, which, I believe, most bureaucratz are mizzing." - Albert Einstein

"If I had a hammer, I would hammer forestry officials in the morning, I would hammer forestry officials in the evening, all over this land." - Peter, Paul and Mary.

"Forestry bureaucrats and politicians can eat my shorts! This book rocks, man." - Bart Simpson

"This ‘new speak’ that forestry officials are trying to baffle us with is just the same old political double speak we used to baffle you with." - Bill Vanderscam

"Nancy thought it was in poor taste." - Ronald Raygun

"You can't stand in the way of progress and progress will not stop until every tree is cut down, every wild animal is dead and every plot of green grass is covered with pavement. I see a bright future for mankind written in neon and plated with chrome." - Lee Iococa

"In the over all scheme of things, anything you do is insignificant. You are not going to set the world ablaze with this book. When are you going to get a real job, like your brother?" - my mother


Excerpt

AAC Apportionment:
The distribution of the ‘licenses to steal’ between timber companies by the Minister in proportion to last season’s campaign contributions.

Aboriginal Resource Site/unit:
A unit identified by the aboriginal communities/bands that provides resources for food or cultural use (e.g. ceremonies). Each site is described by its band, location and resource type, use and quality on a monthly basis. This information is confidential and usually filed in the round bin because it conflicts with timber extraction interests.

Access Management Plan:
An operational plan identifying the cheapest and quickest methods for road construction.

Active Floodplain:
The underwater areas below an extensively logged drainage basin.

Adaptive Management:
Carefully monitoring public interest and response to cutting, and modifying the terms used to describe the devastation. This dupes the public into thinking the government cares about and knows what it is doing with the forest.
Additive Effects:
The combination of road building, logging and erosion that eventually leads to desertification and the extinction of animal and plant species. (See Sahara Desert)

Administrative Law:
The branch of the law concerning the way government deals with the public. Designed to enable the government to make it financially impossible for the public to resist what ever it wants to do.

Advanced Regeneration:
Trees that have become established naturally under a mature forest canopy and are capable of becoming the next crop after the mature crop is removed. (AKA: the ones the skidders didn’t flatten)

Adverse slope:
The uphill climb of the ministry toward public trust after decades of lies, deceit and mismanagement.

Aerial Photography:
Photos taken from the air to provide information about forests and landforms. Taken at high altitude and low resolution so as to save money on film and to avoid accurate information in case contentious areas exist.

Age Class:
A forest age classification system designed to cover up the fact that most of the trees would be older than your great grandmother if she were still alive.

Aggradation:
Accumulation of sediment in a stream channel on slopes, alluvial fan or a floodplain. A natural part of logging operations, earthquakes and nuclear explosions.

Aggregated Retention:
Retaining trees in patches throughout a cut block or cutting unit. This is very much like a banked investment to be cashed in when there is nothing else left.

Agro-Forestry:
A term used to describe a man-made forest; often referred to as a tree farm. Although presented as such, they have no relation to natural forests.

Airtanker:
A fixed-wing aircraft fitted with tanks and equipment for dropping suppressants and retardants - also used for scooping up unsuspecting lake divers or swimmers.

Alienation:
Any land that has had its ‘right-to-use’ transferred from the Crown through grant, lease, or permit or has a special interest noted, as in reserves. (See the last episode of X Files.)

Allowable annual cut (AAC) [Arrogant and Absurd Cupidity]:
The maximum volume of wood that can be extracted from the forests every year regardless of the costs to the environment, wildlife or humans. The chief forester sets AACs for timber supply areas (TSAs) and tree farm licenses (TFLs). See AAC appointment.

Alternate Use Forest:
No commercial timber value.
Alternate Harvesting Crew:
A logging crew that has had special training in the latest environmental buzzwords.

Amortization:
A procedure by which the capital cost of projects, such as roads or bridges, are written off over a specified period of time as the timber volumes developed by the projects are harvested and extracted. Any costs that cannot be written off are directly transferred to the public sector.

Anadromous:
Fish that breed in fresh water but live their adult life in the sea. On the Pacific coast, anadromous fish include all the Pacific salmon, steelhead trout, some cutthroat trout and Dolly Varden char, lampreys and eulachons. These fish are nearing extinction, and therefore no longer require special treatment of their spawning streams.

Archaeological site:
Areas that have evidence of previous occupancy which might lead to land claims. (To be bulldozed as quickly as possible)

Artificial Regeneration:
Also called tree planting, weak cultivated seedlings are quickly stuffed into the ground in a logged area to give the appearance that something is growing there.

Asian Crash:
The temporary lowering of Asian markets that allowed industry to claim economic hardship and have all environmental regulations removed from the Forest Practices Code.

Aspect:
The direction toward which a slope faces. Or how you choose to view any management decisions that are made by those above you in the ministry.

Ass Covering:
A convoluted and intricate dance performed between Ministries and Ministry employees when some glaring error of judgement becomes public knowledge; for example, a landslide destroying an entire suburb.

Avalanche:
A snow, rock and debris slide caused by logging high altitude mountainsides. Logging companies try to avoid causing these because it delays production while digging out buried men and equipment.

Available Volumes:
The portion of total inventory volumes that is available for harvesting after all profit constraints on timber harvesting have been considered, including the public awareness of the timber harvesting land base, political favoritism, age of trees, merchantability, deferrals, etc.

Average Long Term Yield:
The annual average of the total yield over the next 200 years minus unsalvaged losses. This figure is known to be 0, due to the cutting of the last old growth timber in the past few decades.




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