Your marriage vows may have said, “'til death do us part” but no one said anything about what happens when career, circumstances, or a child or family member with a problem makes it necessary for you to part, and you want to maintain the closeness in your relationship. Being married at a distance is not as unusual as you may think. More and more couples are being separated by work, money and family considerations. In fact, most long-term relationships encounter a period of living separately for one reason or another. As a counselor, I’ve seen more and more couples who must deal with the special circumstances of commuter marriage. As our society becomes more mobile, jobs become scarce, and both spouses routinely have careers, commuter marriages have increased.
If you and your spouse are either in or contemplating a situation where you are:
*Temporarily living apart due to job or other reasons
*Living at a distance you hadn’t planned on
*Working such different hours it feels as though you are living apart
*Away from home for days or weeks at time due to job or other necessity
*Trying to decide if a new job or opportunity is worth the separation you’ll have to endure
*Dealing with the difference between your image of commuter marriage and the reality
You can find the help you need in these pages.
Living separately really wasn’t what you had in mind when you got married: instead, you probably dreamed of quiet evenings sitting cozily on the couch, fun-filled weekends, bicycling, hiking or trekking the swap meet together, joint expeditions to the grocery store or the home improvement warehouse, working together on renovating the bathroom, or even just hanging out with friends or family. To your surprise, that’s not what you’ve got. Instead, you’re spending most of your time apart, due to shift changes, job relocations or too much work travel. Chances are it’s so far from your dream that you don’t really know how to handle it. You may be squabbling about being stuck with all the household chores while your partner pines away in a distant location; or you’re the one who’s all by yourself every night away from home, and you both may be feeling all the intimacy and partnership gradually draining out of your relationship, leaving you with an empty shell where your marriage used to be.
In these pages, you’ll find case histories of couples who face the same issues that exist in your marriage -- being separated and struggling to maintain your partnership mutuality and equality.
For each problem you face, you’ll find specific solutions as well as the examples of how other couples use the exercises and guidelines to solve the problems created by their long-distance situations.
You’ll also find step-by-step guidelines, how-tos, and exercises to teach you the skills you need to manage your unique and challenging situation, and to maximize the advantages of your situation, as well as case histories that illustrate both the problems and the solutions.
Finally, much needed relationship help for geographically challenged couples!THE COMMUTER MARRIAGE:Keep Your Relationship Close While You’re Far Apart (Adams Media; May13, 2008; Trade Paperback Original) by respected Ph.D., Tina Tessina speaks directly to the more than 4 million U.S. couples juggling the unique struggles only long-distance marriages face.
As society becomes more mobile and as jobs move or involve travel more than ever, couples must create ways to stay connected while physically separated— for days, weeks, months, or years. Even working different shifts or managing long commutes may mean couples living in the same house never see each other during waking hours. Keeping a connection—both physically and mentally—is no easy feat.
According to Dr. Tessina, “Spending time apart is both a blessing and a problem.When you have time apart, it can freshen your relationship and remind you what you love most about your partner.On the other hand, if you begin to resent the separation, and don’t communicate well while you’re apart, your marriage has the potential to quickly unravel.”
With a specific program designed to help couples maneuver this terrain, Dr. Tessina helps readers through everyday situations, such as:
·Managing two homes, financially and physically
·Raising kids when one parent is distant
·Holiday and visiting schedules
·Overcoming jealousy and suspicions
·Maintaining a healthy sex life
·Reintegrating when two homes become one again
With quizzes, exercises, and studies from Dr. Tessina’s practice, readers will see what works—and what doesn’t.So whether the decision to commute is voluntary or mandatory, couples can not only keep their marriages intact but make their unions stronger.
About the Author
Tina Tessina, Ph.D., www.tinatessina.comis a featured personals columnist for Yahoo! and other online communities.She is interviewed up to thirty times each month for magazine, newspaper, and online articles, including Redbook, Men’s Health, and LHJ.com.Known online as “Dr. Romance,” the “Dating Doctor,” and “The Love Doctor,” she is a Redbook Love Network expert and dating expert on CouplesCompany.com.She is the author of 12 books, and published in 16 languages. Contact Dr. Tessina at tina.tinatessina.com
The Commuter Marriage:Keep Your Relationship Close While You’re Far Apart by Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. Publication date:May 13, 2008 Price:$14.95 ISBN:1-59869-432-4
Excerpt
Your marriage vows may have said, “'til death do us part” but no one said anything about what happens when career, circumstances, or a child or family member with a problem makes it necessary for you to part, and you want to maintain the closeness in your relationship. Being married at a distance is not as unusual as you may think. More and more couples are being separated by work, money and family considerations. In fact, most long-term relationships encounter a period of living separately for one reason or another. As a counselor, I’ve seen more and more couples who must deal with the special circumstances of commuter marriage. As our society becomes more mobile, jobs become scarce, and both spouses routinely have careers, commuter marriages have increased.
If you and your spouse are either in or contemplating a situation where you are:
*Temporarily living apart due to job or other reasons
*Living at a distance you hadn’t planned on
*Working such different hours it feels as though you are living apart
*Away from home for days or weeks at time due to job or other necessity
*Trying to decide if a new job or opportunity is worth the separation you’ll have to endure
*Dealing with the difference between your image of commuter marriage and the reality
You can find the help you need in these pages.
Living separately really wasn’t what you had in mind when you got married: instead, you probably dreamed of quiet evenings sitting cozily on the couch, fun-filled weekends, bicycling, hiking or trekking the swap meet together, joint expeditions to the grocery store or the home improvement warehouse, working together on renovating the bathroom, or even just hanging out with friends or family. To your surprise, that’s not what you’ve got. Instead, you’re spending most of your time apart, due to shift changes, job relocations or too much work travel. Chances are it’s so far from your dream that you don’t really know how to handle it. You may be squabbling about being stuck with all the household chores while your partner pines away in a distant location; or you’re the one who’s all by yourself every night away from home, and you both may be feeling all the intimacy and partnership gradually draining out of your relationship, leaving you with an empty shell where your marriage used to be.
In these pages, you’ll find case histories of couples who face the same issues that exist in your marriage -- being separated and struggling to maintain your partnership mutuality and equality.
For each problem you face, you’ll find specific solutions as well as the examples of how other couples use the exercises and guidelines to solve the problems created by their long-distance situations.
You’ll also find step-by-step guidelines, how-tos, and exercises to teach you the skills you need to manage your unique and challenging situation, and to maximize the advantages of your situation, as well as case histories that illustrate both the problems and the solutions.
Paperback
Professional Reviews The greatest gift for your marriage!
"When you get married, you promise to love and cherish 'for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health'...but what about 'for near or far?' When the circumstances of life put a bit of distance between husband and wife, Tina Tessina provides the perfect insights and solutions for keeping close across the miles. Couples who sense a challenge in their long-distance situations will learn how to communicate and keep their equality in their home, handle anxiety and jealousies, get creative and flexible in finding solutions...and then those Welcome Homes are all the sweeter! Whether you travel for work or just keep opposite shifts, the greatest gift you can get for your marriage is this book!" -- Sharon Naylor, author of The Bride's Diplomacy Guide and Love Bets.
Help is on the way!
"As a public safety psychologist, I work with police and fire fighter families as they struggle with shift work and emergency deployments. Help is on the way. Dr. Tessina's easy-to-read new book, The Commuter Marriage: Keep Your Relationship Close While You’re Far Apart is full of sage advice, tips, and skill building exercises for a range of topics from the practicalities of managing time, money and childcare to the emotional challenges of intimacy, communication, and jealousy. Along the way, she shows the reader how real couples cope with a variety of long and short term separations." -- Ellen Kirschman, Ph.D. author of I Love a Cop: What Police Families Need to Know and I Love a Fire Fighter: What the Family Needs to Know
I found terrific techniques here
"More and more couples find themselves married (or together) while spending significant amounts of time apart. Problems with childcare, intimacy, emotional support and household management can make "commuter marriages" difficult -- but relationship author, columnist and private-practice therapist Tina Tessina has seen it all.
"In The Commuter Marriage, Dr. Tessina presents practical exercises and commonsense advice for intimacy, parenting, divvying chores, keeping anxiety -- and jealousy -- at bay, and even such small, but important, things as getting used to sleeping alone.
"As the frequently traveling half of a couple, I found terrific techniques here for dealing with the practical aspects of running a household apart from a partner. Not to mention the fellowship that comes from knowing that, in living together-but-sometimes-alone, I am not, in fact, alone." -- C.K. Lowe, journalist and author of Everything Health Guide to OCD