The Dilemma on the other side of Borderline Personality Disorder, for the Non Borderline is a painful one. It is a dilemma driven by many questions. The source of those questions can be difficult for non borderlines to face. A.J. Mahari addresses what is at the heart of the non borderline dilemma, can borderlines love? Do borderlines feel love? Mahari not only answers these questions from the perspective of a recovered borderline but she also explains with incredible and unique insight of one who has been there why borderlines love the way that they do.
Phoenix Rising Publications
Phoenix Rising Publications
A.J. Mahari's 12th ebook, in total, and 7th ebook on the subject of Borderline Personality Disorder, is her third ebook written specifically for loved ones and family members (non borderlines) who have someone with Borderline Personality Disorder in their lives.
A.J. Mahari bats one out of the ballpark with this latest ebook for non borderlines. On the subject of the heart of the non borderline dilemma Mahari reveals, as only she can, as someone who has been there and recovered, the truth about Borderline Personality Disorder and love.
The ebook, is 102 pages of must-read insight for the non borderline. If you are in a relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, significant other, friend, relative, you will want to read what A.J. Mahari reveals about Borderline Personality Disorder and love.
In conjunction with this ebook Mahari also has a companion audio program, "The Dilemma On The Other Side of BPD - Overcoming Denial About BPD and Love" It is available with this ebook or packaged with this ebook and other ebooks or sold separately at: Phoenix Rising Publications
"For the family member or loved one - the non borderline - with someone in your life with BPD one of the primary hooks that causes great suffering is the compulsion many have to rescue, change, save, and/or fix the person with BPD.
Trying to rescue the borderline false self in the name of love sees you only perpetuate your own suffering at the hands of its “gimme, gimme” “I-hate-you-don’t-leave-me brand of toxic love.
By the very nature then of this very devastating abandonment wound that gives rise to the borderline false self those with BPD relate via what can be defined as an infantile absence of self. The borderline false self has the relational style, emotionally, of a two year old child.
Borderlines have lived lives that are now deeply entrenched in negative, polarized patterns of relating to the world. They relate from what is an ever-growing lack of a known to self, an empty abyss inside, from this false self that allies itself in toxic ways with and through others.
The borderline false self is, emotionally and psychologically, an angry, helpless, needy, lost, two year old whose relational style is narcissistic, toxic and dysfunctional in an adult world.
The central dilemma for those on the other side of Borderline Personality Disorder, regardless of the type of relationship with the person with BPD in your life, is wrestling with the question, "Do Borderlines Love?" followed closely by the question, "Do Borderlines Feel Love?" The nature and reality of what happens to love when Borderline Personality Disorder is in the picture is a key part of the understanding non borderlines need to free themselves from their own suffering on the other side of BPD.
What you, as a non borderline, decide to do with the central dilemma of all dilemmas that you must cope with on the other side of Borderline Personality Disorder will determine the amount of pain and suffering that you will encounter as the result of being in anyway involved with someone with BPD.
Non borderlines as I wrote about in another ebook of mine - “The Other Side of BPD - Mindfulness and Radical Acceptance for Non Borderlines” - need to accept that they do not have control over what someone with BPD will or won’t do.
You cannot control what happens to the borderline in your life. You cannot control whether or not they will get help, get somewhat better, or recover. In the meantime there is the reality that you likely need relief from the pain that you are in. You won’t find that relief in trying to control the borderline. You won’t find that relief in trying to change the borderline. You won’t find that relief in trying to settle for what is intolerable.
You won’t find that relief in focusing endlessly on trying to figure out the borderline or BPD itself. You won’t find that relief anywhere but from the inside of yourself on out. You must be willing to take a long hard look into the mirror of your own pain and what it challenges you to do. The challenge of what to do that is put forth by your own pain and suffering, as a non borderline, also seeks to be the teacher of lessons that you need to learn in order to find the relief you need, the quality of life, especially in relationships that you need, and the peace that you deserve.
You won’t find that relief in attempts to avoid the central dilemma that rises out of all non borderline dilemmas. And you especially will not find that relief you seek, the improved quality of life you long for, and the peace that you need and deserve, by putting your head in the sand as to the reality of the answers to the two main questions that are at the centre of all questions that arise as puzzle pieces in the non borderline dilemma.
Borderlines have been devastated by “love” gone wrong in early childhood. What does this mean for them and for those who try to relate to them and/or who love them?"
© A.J. Mahari December 2007