Douglas Schooler, PhD
Super Virility presents a complete mind-body program to help any man, regardless of age, to maximize his sexual energy and unleash his sexual potential. Dr. Schooler teaches powerful sexual techniques that can be used immediately, along with a supportive lifestyle that includes diet, supplements, exercise, attitudes, and more! Super Virility puts you on the fast track to sexual ecstasy. This book is a MUST for couples seeking deep sexual satisfaction.
Here's a sample of what you'll find in Super Virility
- The 4 conditions you need for super erections, page 46
- The 5 methods to controlthe timing of ejaculation perfectly, page 67
- The 7 best supplements you need for peak energy, page 101
- The 7 best herbal adaptogens to reduce your stress, page 105
- The 6 best sexual supplements for SUPER ERECTIONS and SUPER PERFORMANCE, page 111
- The 6 key supplements for prostate health, page 116
- 5 supplements that will get you relaxed and sleeping well, page 121
- 22 signs of low testosterone that every many should know, page 132
- The 4 steps you must take now to keep testosterone high, page 143
- Pelvic Power exercises to keep your sexual movements strong, page 154
- 5 powerful relaxation methods, with complete instructions, page 164
- 10 questions you must ask yourself to relieve sexual guilt and anxiety
- How to program your mind for peak sexual desire and performance, page 175
- Male sex secrets every woman should know, page 181
- The 8 major sexual disorders and how to choose a Sex Therapist, page 204
CHAPTER 5 – CONTROLLING EJACULATION
The male orgasm
The course of history has often been changed by man’s desire to experience ecstatic, mind-blowing orgasms. For many men, if not most, the significance of the orgasm is paramount. The orgasm is the main reason for having sex. Everything before is just prelude, meaningless by itself. Sure, foreplay or making out is fun and intercourse feels great, but if that’s all there is it is simply frustration. Yet, here is the great paradox: once the orgasm occurs, the fun is over, at least for a while.
Most men come far too quickly for both themselves and their partners. It is, in fact, one of the most common complaints I hear in my sex therapy practice. Women often lament the speed with which their partner reaches orgasm – not even close to the time she needs to reach her peak levels of arousal and orgasm. For many women, their lover is finished before they are even in the mood.
When a man’s orgasm is out of his control it can be like stepping up to the plate and swinging before the pitcher has even released the ball. Timing, as they say, is everything.
In this chapter you will learn the skills necessary to extend the foregasm, the time before ejaculation, indefinitely. By focusing your attention on the period before ejaculation, the foregasm, rather than on ejaculation itself, you will be “in the moment” and paying attention to the correct thing.
Premature Ejaculation (PE) is a fairly common problem among men, especially young and/or sexually inexperienced men. The current scientific definition of PE defines it as a habitual tendency to ejaculate at or near the time of penetration. PE, because it prevents normal intercourse, is a very upsetting disability for a man and his partner. The situation is often made worse when PE creates such a degree of anxiety in the male that Erectile Dysfunction (ED) develops as a result. Premature Ejaculation is a clinical condition that requires professional treatment by a sex therapist. It is usually caused by behavioral, sensory, and emotional factors. Sex therapy treatment of PE is extremely successful and should be started as soon as the problem becomes apparent.
Are you a 3-Minute Man?
During World War II the U.S. Army openly tolerated prostitution in Hawaii. In Honolulu the lines waiting to get in to the brothels were so long that Uncle Sam required a brief time limit for each soldier’s amorous adventure in order to not to clog up the streets with lines of GIs, a sight which might embarrass the army brass. So the army created the 3-minute rule: 3 minutes for 3 dollars. It sounds like a formula for creating premature ejaculation. Actually, the 3-minute rule was a blessing for rapid ejaculators, who for perhaps the first time were not penalized for their lack of endurance. But what worked as a form of traffic control 50-plus years ago in the middle of the Pacific Ocean may not work for you today. You don’t have to be a 3-minute man.
How long should sex take? If you go by what you see in the movies, you would think the most passionate and intense sexual experience lasts about 30 seconds! Next time you see a sex scene in a movie notice how long it takes for the male to reach orgasm. When you consider that this media model of sexual behavior is, very subtly, affecting the perceptions and ejaculatory practices of millions of men, it becomes clear that our society needs a better model, complete with instructions, if men are ever to achieve solid ejaculatory control. The definition of “ejaculatory control” is clear: coming to orgasm exactly when you want to and not a second sooner or later. When you can achieve such precise ejaculatory control you can be a 3-minute man if circumstances require, but you can also be a 3-hour man or even a 3-day man, as the pleasure of other circumstances requires.
Poor ejaculatory control is the norm
The discussion that follows applies to men not suffering from clinical Premature Ejaculation as defined above, but to those men (and this will be a majority) who lack precise control over when they achieve orgasm. Poor ejaculatory control is a widespread problem among men of all ages. In fact it is so common that it is rarely regarded as a problem, but rather just something that goes with being a sexually active male: You just never quite know when you’re going to come – and it’s usually too soon. Under conditions of poor ejaculatory control, “normal” sexual intercourse is possible but often unsatisfying for one or both partners. The woman in particular is often left hanging, never reaching the deepest levels of her orgasm. Because the situation is rarely regarded as a problem, a solution is rarely sought. Sexual dissatisfaction may grow and resentments may build, often without either partner knowing why.
Over the years, men who have tried to exert greater ejaculatory control have developed many techniques. The problem with most of them is that they reduce excitement and pleasure far too much. For example, creams containing benzocaine can dull sensation but they lessen enjoyment as well. Wearing two or more condoms is another strategy used to reduce excitement. Again there is the same problem of reducing sensation at the cost of pleasure.
Thinking of something disgusting or aversive is a mental technique many men use to last longer. Distracting yourself with anti-erotic or unpleasant thoughts may forestall orgasm. The trouble is, though, you are taking your mind off the very thing you should be paying attention to and enjoying – the pleasure of the sexual experience you are having at that moment.
Some men try to solve the problem of poor control by ejaculating quickly and continuing for a second orgasm. After the first ejaculation a man’s sexual sensitivity may diminish to the point where he can pound away vigorously and not come. In this way he provides satisfaction to his partner and enjoys the pleasure of multiple orgasms as well. But this “solution” does nothing to teach a man erectile control and it has other problems as well. Many men can’t become hard so soon after an orgasm and this is especially true as a man gets older. Then too, the second erection, if it does happen, is often too insensitive to give a man much pleasure. It may look like an erection, but it’s often just dead meat: the intensity of pleasure is way down, it is hard to come and sex is starting to feel like work. Finally, even for those who can do it, multiple orgasms day after day, morning and evening, will eventually take their toll on sexual energy and overall vitality. No one can keep up that kind of ejaculatory schedule indefinitely. Deplete your sexual energy beyond a certain point and the consequences are unpleasant at best – lethargy, irritability, illness and even depression can result.
Taking antidepressants – drugs that are notorious for impairing sexual functioning – is another poor choice to delay ejaculation. Physicians frequently recommend this approach, having little else to offer. Using drugs that have the unintended effect of lowering sexual excitement and sexual capacity may indeed delay ejaculation. But this method has several serious drawbacks. First, sexual excitement is lowered significantly (that’s why they delay orgasm) and therefore so is the pleasure. Secondly, if they work at all, all they do is delay or prevent ejaculation. They don’t teach a man better ejaculatory control and you will still come “whenever.” Third, these and just about all prescription medications have numerous undesirable effects, often euphemistically called “side effects.” Anti-depressants are so potentially dangerous that a nationally known psychiatrist has written several books warning prospective users of what may be in store for them.
Sex therapists have invented several techniques to delay orgasm that are equally unappealing. Take, for example, the “squeeze technique.” Developed by Masters and Johnson as a treatment for premature ejaculation, the technique requires a man or his partner to withdraw his penis from the vagina and squeeze the penis just below the head. This, they maintain, will prevent orgasm. So would slamming your penis with a sledgehammer! Furthermore, squeezing, if applied incorrectly, could actually trigger orgasm. Even worse, however, is the awkward, mechanical nature of the squeeze approach, which can easily destroy the most romantic and sensual of moods.
Another problematic technique has been promoted by Mantak Chia, noted sex expert with an Eastern approach. He advocates finger pressure on the “million-dollar point,” which is a spot midway between scrotum and anus. Just at the point of orgasm, a man or his partner is supposed to exert sufficient pressure with several fingers on that spot to choke off ejaculation. Once again, the mechanical nature of the technique, even if it works, is bound to destroy the romantic mood. Furthermore, it doesn’t always work and can cause pain if misapplied. There must be a better way!
Fortunately, with practice, just about any man can learn to achieve precise control over the timing of his ejaculation and maintain peak levels of excitement at the same time. Once you master this skill many interesting possibilities open up to you. For example, you will easily be able to achieve “simultaneous orgasm” with you partner – every time! You will be able to last for hours if that’s what both of you want. Or you’ll be ready for a quickie if that’s your mutual pleasure. You can even decide to not come at all and postpone ejaculation until your next sexual encounter. Now why would any man want to do that? Why would you not want to come when that’s the best part of sex? Wouldn’t you be so frustrated that you couldn’t concentrate on anything else for the rest of the day? One of my patients, when I first proposed this idea to him, said it sounded like eating a great meal and not swallowing. But his analogy was a bit off the mark. Actually, postponing orgasm is more like eating a great meal, swallowing, but not getting full. Your appetite stays sharp and you are looking forward to your next meal. In the next section I’ll talk at length about the idea of not coming and explain how this can work to increase pleasure and sexual energy.
Come–Don’t Come: It doesn’t have to be a crapshoot
At the craps tables in casinos in Las Vegas or Atlantic City you’ll find the players, mostly men, screaming over their bets, placing chips on sections of the table marked COME or DON’T COME. Here, Lady Luck rules and the players have no control at all. But in sex, a man can have total control of not only when he comes, but whether he comes. I realize the idea of not coming may sound strange. After all, isn’t orgasm why men have sex in the first place? Many men seem to think so and this may be true for you now as well. But there are some good reasons to think “beyond orgasm” and here are a few:
1. To have a more intense orgasm.
Not all orgasms are created equally. There are strong orgasms and weak ones. Paradoxically, one of the best reasons to postpone orgasm is to build and store more sexual energy so that the next orgasm is truly mind blowing.
2. To allow more frequent sex.
As a man gets older it is normal for him to take significantly more time before he is ready to come again. But too many orgasms within a short time will eventually deplete any man, regardless of age. Knowing how to postpone ejaculation allows any man, regardless of age, to be ready, willing and able for the next sexual opportunity.
3. To experience “mini orgasms.”
If you engage in intercourse or similar intense penile stimulation without ejaculating you open up the opportunity for you to experience the intensely pleasurable sensations that occur in the foregasm, just before the ejaculatory reflex is triggered. Mini-orgasms, as I call them, are much like full-blown orgasms but less intense. Like their more potent relative, they start in the genitals and flow out to the whole body. A short period of calm and even fatigue usually follows; but after a short rest you’re ready to do it again and again.
4. To conserve energy.
You have an early-morning presentation in front of the CEO and Board of Directors. You want to be energetic, forceful and dynamic. Its only 6 a.m. and you’d love to have sex with the beautiful lady lying naked next to you in bed but you’re concerned that an orgasmic explosion might leave you sluggish or too laid back. The solution is simple: don’t come.
5. To enhance self-esteem.
When you retain the choice of whether or not you are going to ejaculate during a particular sexual experience you are face to face with your own sexual power. You cannot help but feel that power because you experience it through your intentional behavior. You are in total control of your sexual being. You are truly the master of your sexual self rather than a slave to orgasm, and that does wonders for your self-esteem.
Now that you know some of the good reasons to postpone orgasm and ejaculation, let’s consider the question of how often you should use this tactic. When should you come and when should you not come? Of course there are no hard and fast answers to this question. All men are different and unique, and circumstances vary. But here are some guidelines that will help you begin to delay and postpone orgasm in a sensible manner.
Consciously consider the energy consequences of each potential orgasm and ask yourself what will happen if, during this sexual experience, you “spend” sexual energy rather than “save” it. For example, if you and your partner both have the need and opportunity to relax after sex then allowing yourself to ejaculate on this occasion will work well. But if you have to be energized and aggressive shortly after ejaculation it might be wise to postpone coming. Similarly, if you have a date with your lover that evening, masturbating to orgasm in the morning may find you depleted of sexual energy. On the other hand, masturbating in the morning and not coming to orgasm will increase your available sexual energy – something you (and she) will no doubt appreciate later that evening.
Make postponing orgasm a conscious decision. Generally, younger men can safely have more consecutive orgasms than older men. A young man, under age 35 or so, might thrive on postponing every 4th or 5th orgasm. An older man, over age 50 or so, might do well to postpone every 3rd orgasm and over age 65 postponing every other orgasm might be in order. But since you are a unique individual you need to experiment and find a general ratio that’s right for you. Be flexible, adapt to circumstances, and above all, listen to your body.
Accept the fact that postponing orgasm is mentally difficult at first. It takes a certain level of mental discipline to purposely withhold such a pleasurable experience from yourself. Some men will find this kind of delay of gratification more difficult than others. Think of the ability to postpone orgasm as a skill that can be learned, practiced, and perfected over time. Be patient with yourself and don’t give up.
A note on “blue balls”
One possible result of postponing orgasm and ejaculation is a condition colloquially known as “blue balls,” the swelling of the testicles and scrotum accompanied by some level of discomfort. Many teenage boys experience this condition when they first embark on sexual adventures that do not result in orgasm. Kissing and fondling arouse the sexual neophyte intensely and blood is directed not only to the penis for the purpose of erection, but also to the testicles and scrotum. Orgasm quickly releases this blood build-up in the scrotal area. If orgasm does not occur, temporary mild swelling and discomfort may result, usually subsiding within an hour or so. Although “blue balls” can happen as a natural consequence of being young and sexually inexperienced, it may also happen to the more mature and sexually experienced male who consciously decides to postpone orgasm for the first time. The good news is that your body will soon learn to adjust to this new practice of witholding orgasm and in a short time you will not experience any discomfort at all. How long this period of adjustment takes depends on the individual, but it will happen. Just as in weight lifting, running, or any other sport, it takes time for the body to adjust to the positive changes being forced on it. Be patient and don’t give up on yourself.
Should the discomfort of “blue balls” become too much for you, simply bring yourself to orgasm and that will solve the problem.
In the next chapter you will find the exact steps to take to master the timing of ejaculation.