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John W Austin

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Pirates Of The Panto
by John W Austin   

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Publisher:  Limelight Scripts Type: 

Copyright:  2007

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Dame Fanny Haddock runs a restaurant serving her famous fishy fondue pie. Fred Seagull (pirate) wants to get his hands on the recipe, forcing Fanny out of business and then open his own restaurant selling her famous pie. He sets about sinking any ship that supplies her, but when this doesn’t work he sets out to kidnap Fanny’s daughter, Holly and hold her ransom until she hands over her recipe. He is aided and abetted by Scallop & Limpet and also unwittingly by Barry, the idiot nephew of Fanny. Great characters. Including an inebriated ‘Hairy’ – correction – Fairy Mermaid. If you have ever wanted to learn how to ‘speak fish’ then watch this panto.


 A modern pantomime with lots of singing, dancing and fun. 

Fanny: I feel better now. If this was Aladdin I’d be able to rub a lamp and wish everything OK.

(Fairy Mermaid enters (SL) drunk but in control.)

Fairy: You don’t need a lamp.
You don’t need to rub,
I’m here to help you,
Now who’s for the pub?

Fanny: Who are you?

Fairy: Isn’t it obvious,
There’s nothing to be said.
I am your friendly,
Hairy mermaid.

Fanny: Why are you talking in rhyme?

Fairy: I am special,
The magical one.
And in a Panto,
That’s how it’s done.

Fanny: Well don’t, it’s annoying

Fairy: It has been written,
My part has been cast.
But for a quiet life,
I’ll do ask you ask.

Fanny: Good

Fairy: OK Jose

Fanny: (sternly) Stop it

Fairy: Oaky doaky

Fanny: (sterner) Pack it in

Brad: She’s rather peculiar looking.

Holly: Yes, something about her doesn’t look right.

Fairy: I am a mole and I live in a hole.

Fanny: (sternly) Stop it!

Brad: There’s something about her face that looks odd.

Holly: She seems to have more stubble than most women I know.

Fairy: I am a poet but don’t even know it.

Fanny: (threatening) For the last time, stop it.

Brad: (turns to Fairy) Why have you got a beard?

Fairy: Because I’m your ‘Hairy Mermaid’

Holly: Hairy mermaid?

Fairy: That's right.

Brad: Shouldn’t that be ‘Fairy Mermaid’?

Fairy: No, the script definitely said ‘Hairy Mermaid’

Fanny: I think you better look at the script again love.

Holly: Definitely, I’ve never seen a Panto with a ‘Hairy’ before.

Fairy: Hang on a minute, I’ll take a look. (swaggers over to prompt) Here, give me that script. (pulls at script, which also pulls prompt onto stage) Right where are we?

Prompt: (indicating a point in the script) There.

Fairy: Ok, now what does that line say?

Prompt: I am your friendly ‘Fairy’ Mermaid.

Fairy: Are you sure that says ‘Fairy’

Prompt: Yes, definitely.

Fairy: OK, fine (pushes prompt back to his chair) give me one minute. (exits SL – offstage) I could have sworn it said ‘Hairy’, now where are my clippers? (sound of electric clippers) that's better. (re-enters SL without beard, patting her face holding a bottle of old spice aftershave)

Fanny: Have you finished now?

Fairy: Yes that’s much better.

Holly: What's that smell.

Fairy: Old Spice, do you want some?

Holly: No thank you.

Fairy: Suit yourself. (drinks from the bottle)

Brad: You’re disgusting!

Fairy: And you’re sexy. (hiccups)

Holly: (abruptly) Hands off, lady!

Fanny: Look at you, you’re a mess. How can you help us? You can’t even stand up straight! Go away.

Fairy: (starts crying) Oh please let me help you, if I do a good deed I’ll get this curse lifted and get my legs back. I don’t like being half fish.

Holly: You mean you weren’t born a Mermaid?

Fairy: No, I used to be a normal person, but I got cursed for drunk and disorderly.

Fanny: Blimey, I knew prisons were full – but cursing people is a bit of an extreme alternative.

Fairy: You see, that's why I want to help. If I can get rid of this curse I’d promise to be good and give up drinking. I don’t like being legless.

Fanny: Oh, stop whinging. You can help us if you want to, but I don’t know how.

Fairy: Oh thank you, I do appreciate it. I’ll keep my eye on the situation and I’ll return when I may be of need. Good-bye for now. (exits SL)

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