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John Cooker

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Cure Your Democracy, the Infection, Spread and Treatment of Contagious Opin
by John Cooker   

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Category: 

Humor

Publisher:  Spin Doctor Press ISBN-10:  0983572402 Type: 
Pages: 

266

Copyright:  2011 ISBN-13:  9780983572404
Non-Fiction

Political satire that reveals the solution to conservative and liberal fighting.

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Cure Your Democracy

BACK COVER
There’s an epidemic sweeping across America but no one’s taking it seriously. The infected look like normal Americans, at first, but then they open their mouths and foreign words leap out known only to inhabitants of their special nation: left coaster, mama grizzly, Obamacare, drill baby drill; or neocon, glass ceiling, teabagger, I didn’t inhale.
Drop the word “multiculturalism” and half of them will have an immediate allergy-like reaction. Their faces will turn red with fever as they glide away from you. Drop the phrase “lamestream media” and the other half will cringe and hold their brow with a splitting headache as they back away from you.
These otherwise normal Americans are obviously suffering from something. The author in this pioneering book has discovered what that is: severe, extremely contagious viral illnesses that are plaguing the entire country. He reveals here in layman’s terms the infection, spread and treatment of these viruses. They make us insanely ill and susceptible to conspiracy theories, and are so easily passed between individuals by speeches, handshakes and karaoke.
He discovers Viral Media is not just a figurative expression. One morning an infamous radio personality spouts off a misinformed, belligerent opinion. By that afternoon the author’s research subjects are repeating it with the same fever and refudiation. The viral words of the opinion had infected them and seemed to have taken possession of their minds like some voodoo zombie incantation.
No one is safe and many are contaminated. Treatments are provided so that they may become virus free and regain the ability to associate with those “other” Americans—those infected with the opposing virus.  
If you are tired of the partisan arguing in our great country, this book is guaranteed to lift you to higher ground and make you LOL.  


Excerpt

INTRODUCTION

There’s an epidemic sweeping across America but no one’s taking it seriously. The infected look like normal Americans, at first, familiar and approachable. But then they open their mouths and foreign words leap out known only to inhabitants of their special Nation, a distinct code only they understand: left coaster, mama grizzly, Obamacare, drill baby drill, death panels, nanny state, treehugger, nukular, smoke and mirrors, Orwellian, refudiate; or PC, gay rights, luddite, inclusiveness, Neocon, global village, teabagger, glass ceiling, junk science, public option, I didn’t inhale.

The friendly expressions of half of these people dissolve, then mutate into vexation and anger if you and a companion walk arm-in-arm and nuzzle affectionately in public—if your companion is the same sex as you. Drop the word “multiculturalism” and they will have an immediate allergy-like reaction. Their face will turn red with fever and they’ll begin to tremble as they glide away from you.

The other half of these people will react just as emotionally volatile if you pull up next to them in a parking lot in a camouflage painted pickup truck smoking and rumbling, then check if your double barrel 12-gauge is empty before you place it on the gun rack in the rear window. Drop the phrase “lamestream media” and they’ll have an immediate allergy-like reaction also. They’ll cringe and hold their brow from a splitting headache, as they back away from you.

At these times their illness is revealed. We all know the reaction that comes out of their mouths isn’t pleasant. What we don’t know is that this unpleasant reaction is the work of a virus; two, as a matter of fact. These normal Americans are indeed no longer friendly, but exhibit inflamed tempers, reddened faces, irritable bowels. They obviously are suffering from something. I’ve discovered what that is: severe, extremely contagious viral illnesses.

These viruses go undetected or are brushed off as harmless. Part of this is because they remain dormant most of the time, yet they’re easily triggered as in the above examples. The suffering they cause is devastating and wastes a good deal of surfing time on the Internet searching for blog relief and valuable newspaper ink on editorial pages. It needs to be addressed and treated, but there are roadblocks.

Everyone knows people who are sick with these viruses and could point their symptoms out in a second, at just about any gathering under any circumstances. Everyone knows them, but no one talks directly about them. They’re not allowed to emerge into daylight. They’ve spread throughout the entire country yet they remain untreated and, amazingly, undiagnosed in the majority of those infected which, without question, has now reached millions of adults.

Together, they wreak such havoc on the Nation's well-being by causing inestimable damage to the circulation of its red-blooded identity. Yet the American Medical Association has issued no alerts, has developed no vaccines, nor has educated the public about these viruses. It’s chosen to minimize these illnesses and keep them out of the public eye. The public continues to keep its eye blind and refuses to view an obviously serious illness as an illness at all. It insists it’s simply a bout of digestive gas to be treated with Pepto-Bismol or an Excedrin headache or nervous irritability that can be soothed by a few fingers of Chivas or bottle of white wine.

I’ve named these highly contagious viruses Democratitus and Democratosis. The root of each name is demos, the Greek word for “the People”; and also demo, the shortened word for demonstration, as in a protest march; demo is also the shortened word for demolition.

My research here at Harvard OL has demonstrated that full blown Democratitus develops into not only metabolic maladies such as high blood pressure and gout, but also into a stress induced revulsion to Government in any of its forms. This revulsion manifests itself in irrational fear and actual physical repulsion.

In one documented case, an individual recoiled and had to wear gloves to shake hands with government employees or read official forms (curiously the gloves weren’t needed to handle dollar bills or coins) and was unable to pass by a government building without cursing up a tempest, and, if by necessity had to enter one, he would have to be dragged from the fetal position curled up on the ground, convulsing violently and singing to himself God Bless America. Fortunately this individual has gotten over his fear and loathing enough to host a popular radio news/talk show in which there’s actually more yelling, cussing, and complaining (minor symptoms) than talking about the news.

Democratosis is just as serious and is likewise brushed aside as if a case of hay fever or bed wetting, when in reality its victims would suffer the crippling stress reactions of irritable bowel pains, and possibly movements, if forced to shop in a Walmart or become a member of the local Moose Lodge. Any endeavor that requires mingling with the People at large or places faith in them causes such revulsion that the accompanying fear paralyzes the infected. The strange contradiction underlying this illness is those infected feel the genuine need to be close to the People and thoroughly intend to do so, to be on their side by arranging huge rallies and demonstrations with them and by supporting government initiatives and programs for their benefit. They don't just pay lip service, but actually vote for them in all sincerity.

Yet the allergic reaction brought on by this illness won’t allow them to associate physically with America’s Everyman, for anything common immediately generates a nauseous feeling in the gut (unless its very commonality makes it uncommon, such as when ordering from their local Bistro's menu the Classic American Grilled Cheese Sandwich with actual yellow American cheese on Wonder Bread, and not the Bistro Special made with a local hand-crafted Colby cheese with freshly prepared Dijon on thick slices of artisan baked baguette, that their spouse is having) and they loath to have actual discussions with them that lasts for more than the time to get driving directions or scan their items at the cash register. Consequently, viewing the People's common circumstances, the Democratosis infected hosts mistrust them to know what’s best for themselves.

It's high time we look at these viruses seriously and treat them for the debilitating diseases they are. To let them go on and fester would allow them to be passed on to our next generation irresponsibly. This isn’t just a matter of temperamental maladjustment as the media outlets presume (all the while raking in profits from views and articles that stoke the boiler), but a public health issue that’s draining the nation economically with the countless newspaper columns, radio and TV shows, tweets and speeches fashioned to vent the hot air pent up inside feverish, suffering citizens.

I’ve conducted research on both viruses over the past two years which has included interviews with hundreds of the infected in group and individual test sessions that have incorporated various stimulants, such as burning the American Flag or stepping over a homeless person lying on a sidewalk, to measure and monitor the viruses’ parasitic effects and influence over their hosts. I’ve also, with the assistance of my dedicated laboratory team, isolated each virus and studied them.

Though they mutate while living inside the host to differing intensities, depending on the amount of punditry their ears are exposed to, their DNA remains close to the original contagion. And what is of the utmost importance, I’ve discovered that there are preexisting conditions which make a potential host not only susceptible, but a virtual Petri dish for one or the other virus. These conditions I describe in this book. A person ingesting a diet poor in calcium can expect to be susceptible to deficiencies that may lead to bone density problems later in life. Just so, there are links and trends that I’ve discovered with these viruses that cannot be ignored. For example, an individual's preference for consumption of red meat, especially hamburgers, trends that person overwhelmingly toward susceptibility to Democratitus to the extent that it’s an anomaly to be infected with it and to not love red meat (virtually all those who prefer their burgers rarely cooked were infected with this virus). Whereas, those with a preference for consumption of tofu (such as in a veggie burger) preset them for infection with Democratosis.

The purpose of my research is to:
1. Expose these viruses for the serious diseases that they are
2. Reveal their behavior
3. Get to the bottom of why we don't consider them as seriously as we should and explore the self-deception that appears to be built into the diseases
4. Give the fascinating facts from my research
5. Give examples of cases
6. Finally, get to the heart of the matter and give the treatments I’ve discovered for both

The results of my research are recorded within this book for the medical community and the public to draw from. I’ll be the first to suggest, notwithstanding the expert research methodology and significant findings, that further study is required.

Interestingly, the facts I’ve discovered are sufficient to develop conclusions quite contrary to established opinions. For example, the Summer of Love Hippie event in San Francisco circa 1967 has historically been attributed to the newly widespread use of drugs such as LSD (Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds). In fact while they were being passed around so too was the virus Democratosis that had been brought into the city from an outlying commune in Marin County. It’s been traced back to the poet Allen Ginsburg's DNA, which has been saved for posterity. The infection of Democratosis is easily identified because it causes certain chromosomes to become bent askew in wild directions, never to be straight again. Much of the erratic and outlandish behavior by the younger generation that began that summer was definitely the result of the Democratosis virus infecting them, most irreparably and permanently.

Owing to a virus's ability to incubate in hosts generation after generation and lay dormant in a kind of hibernating stage in physical structures, ready to awaken by a person's breath and body warmth, it consolidates its presence and pushes out its rival virus. For example, Democratosis has been discovered in the more prominent buildings lining Haight and Ashbury Streets in San Francisco, mentioned above as a hotbed for its proliferation, and has continued to infect inhabitants and users going in and out of these buildings. It’s even been discovered encrusted on lamp posts, possibly due to old anarchist and Grateful Dead posters that once adorned them and have left a tiny residue.

Democratosis and Democratitus compete for victims and have developed effective strategies to push out their rival from an environment. Thus, they tend to consolidate and grow in geographic areas, usually radiating from a core location to disperse into outlying regions, such as the Haight above into the general Bay Area for Democratosis, germinating in another hotbed location across the bay in the lecture halls of Berkley to create another epicenter and radiate farther from there.

Though travel has expanded exponentially over the decades and America's population has increased in mobility, carrying the viruses across the country, the geographic strongholds of each virus remain steadfast. No matter how much an individual is talked to (the primary means of airborne infection because it embeds itself in the larynx, where it finds fertile soil to propagate and the ideal instrument to be spread through the human community) or coughed on or hands shaken by someone who’s infected with the other virus, they’re impervious to it.

Once infected with one virus, the host actually fights off the other competing virus. This is little consolation since the symptoms are perfectly similar and the suffering relatively the same. It’s rare to find an individual who’s infected with both viruses. Cases have been documented of politicians who have this extraordinary capacity to fall sick to both at the same time, such as Senator Joe Lieberman.

There’s often a rise in such cases in politicians who find themselves at gatherings surrounded by citizens infected with the competing virus. It’s been surmised that this may be due to their larger lung capacity and ability to talk at great length, though it’s not been studied. Others have speculated that some politicians’ personal ability and habit of feeling empathy with whoever they’re in the company of at the moment, especially at fundraising events, may give them a temporary case of infection with both viruses. The more cynical characterize it as only the appearance of dual infection, and that their symptoms, as their principles, adjust to their audience.

The viruses work parasitically on their hosts in identical ways. They both react unusually sensitively to environmental stimuli, much in the same way a drafty doorway or window will exasperate typical flu symptoms, but to directly opposite irritants. Because they repel each other, yet possess a strange bond, I’ve chosen to discuss them together throughout this book rather than treat each separately.

The viruses have been traced to the Amazon jungle. Deep within, the Warwarloni Indians have lived there for tens of thousands of years without contact with modern man and regularly contract cases of the infections in a mump-like manifestation when young. Rather than seek a cure, they’ve developed the behavior of encouraging the mumps to settle in and grow, whereby they become permanent. They encircle the lump on their throat and shape it into a ball which looks like a goiter just above their Adam’s apple. It grows with age, the larger the better.

The tribe shaman will tie a reddish dyed rope around its base and let it dangle to be braided in the future. This defines the Warwarloni, and he associates with others who have a red rope ring around his oula (translated to mean identification or group member). He marries only a woman who has the same. As soon as they have children, the shaman begins shaping their oula the same way with a red cord. This is exceptional, but gets more interesting because there are other Warwarloni with the same mump type infection, but apparently with differing reactions to environmental stimuli, which the same shaman also nurtures and shapes into a ball on their throat. Except, with these tribesmen, he paints abstract designs on the front of it in bright colors.

He seems to know instinctively that their mump infection is by a different virus. The bright colored designs define these Warwarloni, and they begin to associate only with others with these same designs on their oula. The shaman, who is also the tribe's medicine man and responsible for administering to their health by curing them of illnesses with herbs and incantations, seems totally unaware that they’re all ill and no one tries to rid themselves of their infection. More on the Warwarloni later.

Of course, I expect this book to be shunned and disparaged by the medical community. They’ll perceive my research as being alarmist about quite trivial and harmless everyday viruses that cause some Jekyll and Hyde mood swings or episodes of stressful constipation at worst. They see the infections as quite normal, benign and not worthy of their attention. They haven’t admitted the harm these viruses can inflict and insist they can be held in check with a simple measure of rational control and OTC meds. How can rationality control these viruses when they affect the capacity to reason?

My research firmly establishes that these viruses affect the neurological system. And this is worthy of everyone’s attention. It’s because of the medical community’s slight consideration and that the symptoms are quite common and easily ignored that the serious nature of these viruses hasn’t been studied, until now. The misery and suffering they cause has gone by unrecognized.

My studies indicate, limited as they are by time, alarming long-term effects on the nervous and endocrine systems at what damage they can do. In the most serious of cases, neural transmitter misfiring has been observed, from which recovery to a normal, sane mind is almost impossible as premature senility sets in. These sufferers must live out their days surrounded entirely by like infected persons, much like in a leper colony, to maintain calm enough demeanor where their particular virus is spoon-fed its demanding diet of thin gruel-news. And for heaven's sake, don’t allow them to come into contact in any way with the other virus, lest the tower be scaled and the rope-cord leapt on and swung from side to side to ring the bell out to all the countryside in frantic alarm.

How this sort of isolation has become socially acceptable without the slightest protest is simply unconscionable to me. But it’s a reality in America in the twenty-first century, and a barrier to treatment.

The most important benefits of this book I'm offering here are the treatments. Over seventy-five percent of those infected with Democratitus and Democratosis have found relief from the treatments I've administered. They’re still in the clinical trial stage and haven’t garnered FDA approval, but my hope is that my discoveries can be put on the fast track to analysis by that esteemed panel of scientists.

I’ve also developed and maintain a website as a source of information and future development. Please visit it and use its resources. There is a blog on it on which you may report your experiences and communicate with others. The website is:

www.CureYourDemocracy.com

It’s my hope that, with the publication of this book, further study at research facilities with more resources than I’ve had available will be undertaken. In this regard, I’ve proposed starting a fund drive to save the more permanently impaired by creating a charitable organization that raises and disperses funds for the study of both viruses. To this end I’ll donate part of the profits from this book.

No longer does it have to be heartbreaking to discover one has come down with one of these insidious viruses. To limp through life needing a crutch to prop up one’s self and hobble along with the crowd is no longer inevitable. To tell your co-workers you have hay fever or allergies to cover up your cringing expression and tears of anger at the latest headline or bumper sticker will be no longer needed. No more will paranoia haunt one at the start of every new presidential campaign, at reading advertisements subtitled in Spanish, at glancing at unfamiliar faces in hotel elevators. No need to cruise on a dark deserted highway, cool breeze in your hair. Nor will one have to be dragged squealing to a Blue or Red assisted living home because of the early onset of senility that neural misfiring causes. And the treatments have been right here under the medical establishment's nose!

These viruses have held Americans in their grip far too long. Now is the time to break free and move forward in our lives unburdened with the scowls and sneers and sour pusses that seem to have permanently become part of our National facial expressions.




Professional Reviews

Feathered Quill Review
From word one of this new book, John Cooker brings readers a look at reality, which is completely engrossing and unbelievably hysterical.

There are two very contagious diseases spreading through the world today. One is Democratitus, which can place the victim into a stress-induced revulsion for Government in any of its forms. Disease number two is called Democratosis, which is just as serious (fever, bed-wetting, etc.) where the inflicted pretty much get sick as dogs when they have to mingle with the People in any way, shape, or form.

This author brings to light these very serious maladies that have held Americans helpless for decades, as they’ve caused the constant scowls, sneers, pessimism, anger, and rotten attitudes that we all seem to carry around with us on a daily basis.

With each and every chapter, these dreaded viruses are laid out. Beginning with the symptoms of each, from the powerful to the subtle, such as not being able to read the “Wall Street Journal” without shaking (Democratosis); to the inability to watch “NewsHour with Jim Lehrer” without violently shaking the head “no” (Democratitus).

This author, chapter by chapter, does an excellent job of showing us our complete and utter ignorance when it comes to politics. In fact, politics - which used to be a very serious subject - has mostly become late night fodder. Just think, Jon Stewart has received so many Emmy’s (not to mention dollars) that he can barely count them anymore - simply because of the rich ridiculousness that he is offered every day the stock market opens and closes. Not to mention, when a congressman or high-ranking politico gets caught with a girl, boy, priest - even with his shirt off - Jon and his writers get to bring home the gold. It is also a bit frightening when you learn that most people not only want and enjoy but, actually prefer to get their news from Jon instead of tuning in to the “serious” newsmen. Of course, why be serious? No one else is, EXCEPT the people out there who are actually having shortness of breath and chest pains because they take all of this ‘bunk’ so tremendously seriously.

This book explores the differences between ‘lefties and righties;’ the way brain cells continue to die, and wax continues to build up in the victims’ ears making it impossible for anyone to actually listen anymore. He covers the Barkdoll Test, conspiracy theories and, my favorite, paranoia. (Readers will especially get a kick out of Eddie Simmons who lives with a tank in his front yard). Mr. Cooker speaks about all different kinds of wars such as the Elvis Gyration battle in the 1950’s. He also unveils secret information about what certain words really mean. Example: 'Plumbers' is actually a code name for spies trained as Navy Seals who come up through toilets to steal enemy documents.

After reading each and every chapter of this powerful book readers will, at times, hear the opening banjo notes from Deliverance playing inside their heads; while, other times, they will wonder whether or not they should take the Allergy Test (which is absolutely hysterical). There may be no cure at the moment - or antiviral serums for these issues - but the author delivers what may be a perfect remedy in a section called “Succession,” which may just have you going to the hospital because your side actually split.

Quill Says: A perfect book that offers everything one needs to know about how to avoid these viruses and perhaps find a cure. Isn’t it always ironic that comedians are the ones who actually have the answers?



Reader Views review
“Mr. John Cooker has written "Cure Your Democracy: The Infection, Spread and Treatment of Contagious Opinions" to explain the serious diseases that have inflicted the American people; diseases that until now, had never been discovered. Cooker has been able to identify and classify them and has discovered a remarkable cure for them.

The FDA has not approved this miraculous cure but the author swears that it worked in seventy-five percent of the cases. These highly contagious viruses, Democratitus and Democratosis, have spread to epidemic proportions lately and Mr. Cooker's book explains the reasons why.

His presentation is an acute infliction of humor, aimed at the most basic of American beliefs, Democracy. From contaminated buildings to conspiracy theories and everything in between, the author finds these viruses almost everywhere and in everyone. They have no barriers and can be found in Liberals and Conservatives alike. They lie dormant in places like the Capital till something awakens them.

Later in the book Mr. Cooker includes an "Allergy Test" that the reader can take to find out if they have the virus. In the two-part test are some interesting questions that ask your reaction to different things and your feelings on such things as "Ivy League colleges, Sushi, Unions and the NRA," just to name a few.

"Cure Your Democracy" continues to fester, sprouting insights like the history of the viruses and an aggressive prognosis of treatment. The treatment explained sounds much like that of the AA program; it has twelve steps. Some of the other cures have to do with rituals and old methods from history such as dueling.

I had fun reading this humorous 264-page report on such wide spread, but yet not well known, viruses. It kept me reading and I found it hard to put down at night. Well written, it is a general audience, G-rated book that will appeal to everyone.”



Bookpleasures review
“In the Acknowledgments to John Cooker's Cure Your Democracy: The Infection, Spread and Treatment of Contagious Opinions the author thanks his wife Katherine, who has put up with his unconventional sense of humor, which only has encouraged him.

And no doubt, there will be readers that will consider this book truly ridiculous and just plain nonsense. That's a pity, because if they bother to do a little scraping below the surface, they will discover an author that has a unique ability to perceive and express in an ingeniously humorous manner some profound and deep insights concerning human behavior, as well as the dangerous lack of civility that we witness every day in our society. How often are opinions tossed around without any thought or reason and moreover, without valid research or accurate knowledge? We can spot this everyday on the Internet and on various television and radio shows, particularly the talk shows.

Cooker informs us that America is witnessing an epidemic of two contagious viruses that cause ordinary folk to become unfriendly, exhibit temper tantrums, reddened faces, and irritable bowels. He terms these two viruses Democratitus and Democratosis that both share the same DNA causing the same symptoms in the same degree of potency. Unfortunately, no one is safe and many are contaminated with these viruses.

Full blown Democratitus results in stress induced revulsion to Government in any of its forms, which manifests itself in irrational fear and actual physical repulsion. Insofar as Demcratosis is concerned, it is just as serious, as "any endeavor that requires mingling with the People at large or places faith in them causes such revulsion that the accompanying fear paralyzes the infected."

It is these fears that are the underlying cause of the symptoms. What is more dangerous is our inability to self-detect the symptoms produced by these viruses. To illustrate, Cooke refers to TV host and satirist Steven Colbert who has been infected with the virus in a way that it has induced a drug-like effect of an outsized self-confidence, that appears almost comical. Radio and television news programs are particularly inciting in presenting a format of pros and cons pretending that they are being "balanced" which insures the irritation of both viruses.

Cooker claims to have studied many victims over a period of two years, particularly those who were in constant inflammation and argument, and he maintains that their infection leads directly to varicose veins and conspiracy theories. I don't think the medical profession would come to the same conclusion, however, then again, many in the profession lack the perceptiveness of Cooker or his sense of humor. How about paranoia? We are told that in the case of paranoia the viruses "have absorbed any ability to use rationality, and their sufferers are at the mercy of exaggerated fears that become manifested in a range of aberrations."

I just loved the chapter dealing with Audio Impairment that kept me in stitches. Cooker blames secretions of dense wax in individuals affected by the viruses. These sufferers hear distorted words resulting in miscommunication. As an example, Cooker brings up Sara Palin's totally mishearing of the proposals during her briefing of a suggested Health Care Reform Bill. Although, as Cooker states, this can be attributed to the cold winters in Alaska without ear muffs and a fondness for shooting loud, high powered rifles at those cunning, craft Alaskan moose. How about Bill Clinton's negative reply when he was asked if he had "inappropriate sex" with Monica? Cooker believes that because of the buildup of wax in Bill's ear, he thought he was asked if he had "inappropriate socks" with her. Other just as hilarious chapters cover the allergic reactions produced by these viruses, the spread, growth and their concentration, their opposing natures, their extreme manifestations, predispositions of certain individuals, the history of these viruses and the treatment necessary to become virus free.

By employing humor, together with exaggeration, embellishment, and the manipulation of words, language and thought, Cooker effectively conveys to his readers larger truths, which incidentally may even compel us to have a good look in the mirror and wonder about our own behavior. Heaven forbid if we should be infected with these viruses! Our family doctor won't have a clue as to how to deal with them. Fear not, read the various treatment steps that Cooker presents to his readers. You won't be sorry.”



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Reader Reviews for "Cure Your Democracy, the Infection, Spread and Treatment of Contagious Opin"

Reviewed by Chris Kanyane 3/9/2013
You are so good in presentation of arguments. The flow of thoughts is soothing and profound! And the work you do here on earth shows indeed that if we can really be quiet and listen we can discover that each one of us came here on earth with a divine mission and purpose for fulfillment - and you are fulfilling it in your own true ways. Bravo. In Kenya (East Africa) they say asante sani - meaning thank you. East Africa is a deeply rich spiritual part of the world!



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