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John Rockman and the Trials of Galactar by the Prince of Galactar
by Ron Jockman
August 1, 2012
A purposely dreadful descent into Science Fiction, as the narcissistic and idiotic author, Ron Jockman, composes the introduction into his legendary* book series. Come read each wishful projection, each sexist description, and each preachy reflection as Ron Jockman creates an idiotic, alternate reality full of adventure!
A muscular hero by the name of John Rockman pilots his spaceship JULIE towards the planet Pergos to deliver unspecified, important cargo. He and his voluptuous crewmate, Maria Ozone, are intercepted by a powerful foe with a grudge. Now the heroic and supremely hairy Rockman and the beautiful, yet unhelpful, Maria, must escape the clutches of an evil Prince of a foreign world in order to save an entire planet, even if it means Rockman must fight in the biggest Gladiator Trials in the Universe!
Excerpt "As the space door opened, Rockman heard even more hissing from everywhere. Slowly the hissing faded away though, because in space you can't hear sound. The radio static seemed to scream at him in that silence, and he smelled his sweat getting wetter. Rockman pressed a few important buttons on the control panel located on his left forearm. It was attached to the spacesuit, though he sometimes wished it was attached to his arm, like some sort of cyborg arm. His suit propelled him forward and through the CARGO HATCH and out into the emptiness of space. The sounds of his spacesuit thrusters would have been loud, had they not been in space."
Self-aware Sci-Fi Satire at its Finest
I hate to burst your bubble, but Malcom Reynolds and Luke Skywalker have been removed from the running for the award for "Man's Man of Science Fiction," and John Rockman is here to claim what's rightfully his. Just open up this deliciously ironic space tale, taste Rockman's well-oiled pectorals as magnificently described by word-jockey Ron Jockman, and descend into a debaucherous telling of the first compelling entry of John Rockman's legacy.
I'll keep the details of the story light, so I won't spoil anything for new readers, but it is advised you embark on this journey with the following in mind:
1. Genre tropes exist to be satirized
2. Ron Jockman is an amalgamation of creativity, confusing humor, and ironic offense
3. This is the greatest tale to ever not be heard in space (because there is no sound in space)
4. Check your pretentious literary snobbiness at the space door
Now, hop on board the futuristic ship JULIE, warm your hands on John Rockman's furnace-like genetalia, and strap on your space-seat-space-belt for a fantastic ride into a universe that could only be created by two geniuses who melded their brains together to become one man of average intelligence, sub-par hygeine, and infinite wit.
Space Satire at its Best
John Rockman and the Trials of Galactar isn't your average, run-of-the-mill science-fiction novel. In fact, it isn't your average novel, period. If you're looking to hear a decent story and laugh every page at some completely over-the-top, ridiculous line, you're in for a treat.
It's an excellent novel for showing other people that there is no "right" way to write. It goes beyond the limits of normal writing and it is certainly something hilarious that should be read by those people looking for a lighthearted good time.
If you're expecting something serious and grave, like, for example, Game of Thrones, in which all the good guys die, do yourself a favor and go somewhere else. This book is, at its core, a comedy, and should be taken as such - with laughter - tons of laughter.