The anatomy of a mental illness - its origins, its unfolding, its outcomes.
Journal Entries about Narcissism
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How I "Became" a Narcissist (The Genesis of Narcissism)
My Woman and I (Narcissists and Women)
Narcissist, the Machine (The Narcissist's Self-Image)
The Narcissist is Looking for a Family
The Magic of My Thinking (Narcissism and Magical Thinking)
The Music of My Emotions (Narcissism and Emotions)
I Love to be Hated (Narcissism and Masochism)
Grandiosity Deconstructed (Narcissism and Grandiosity)
The Entitlement of Routine (Narcissism and Entitlement)
Wasted Lives (Narcissism and Self-Defeat)
The Split Narcissist (Narcissism, False and True Selves)
The Anxiety of Boredom (Narcissism and Anxiety)
A Great Admiration (Narcissism and Grandiose Fantasies)
The Narcissist in Love (Narcissism and Love)
Why do I Write Poetry? (Narcissism and Repressed Emotions)
The Sad Dreams of the Narcissist (Narcissism and Dysphorias)
The Lonely Narcissist (Narcissism and Schizoid Traits)
The Green Eyed Narcissist (Narcissism, Jealousy, and Envy)
The Discontinuous Narcissist (Narcissism and Dissociation)
Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hide (Somatic vs. Cerebral Narcissists)
Portrait of the Narcissist as a Young Man
Pseudologica Fantastica (Narcissism and Compulsive Lying)
I Cannot Forgive (The Narcissist as Predator)
The Ghost in the Machine (Narcissism and Rootlessness)
That Thing Between a (Narcissistic) Man and a Woman
The Malignant Optimism of the Abused (Victims of Narcissists)
No One Counts to Ten (Narcissism and Defiance of Authority)
The Ubiquitous Narcissist (Narcissism and Omnipresence)
The Disappearance of the Witnesses (Narcissistic Reflection)
Physique Dysmorphique (Narcissism and Body Dysmorphic Disorders)
Being There (Narcissism and Selective Memory)
Other People's Pain (Narcissism, Sadism, and Masochism)
The Weapon of Language (Narcissists and Language)
Studying my Death (Narcissism and Mortality)
Beware the Children (Narcissists and Children)
It is My World, Who are You? (Narcissism and Omnipotence)
Conspicuous Existence (Narcissism and Omnipresence)
The Self-Deprecating Narcissist (Narcissism and Sense of Humor)
The Selfish Gene
The Genetic Underpinnings of Narcissism
The Silver Pieces of the Narcissist (Narcissists and Money)
A Holiday Grudge (Narcissists and Happiness)
Ideas of Reference (Narcissism and Paranoia)
The Delusional Way Out (Narcissists and Deficient Narcissistic Supply)
For the Love of God (Narcissism and Religion)
The Opaque Mirror (Narcissism and Reality)
Narcissistic Routines (Narcissism and Compulsive Acts)
Pathological Narcissism - A Dysfunction or a Blessing?
The Losses of the Narcissist (Narcissism and Self-Destruction)
Transformations of Aggression (Narcissism, Rage, Envy)
Chronos and Narcissus (Narcissists and their Protégés)
The Labors of the Narcissist (Narcissism in the Workplace)
The Objects of the Narcissist (Narcissism and the Inanimate)
To Age with Grace (Narcissism in Old Age)
Narcissism - Discussing Various Issues
Grandiosity Hangover and Narcissistic Baiting
The Energy of Self (Narcissism and Mental Energy)
Whistling in the Dark (Narcissism and the Grandiosity Gap)
The Embarrassing Narcissist (Narcissism is Laughable)
Narcissism, Grandiosity and Intimacy - The Roots of Paranoia
Losing for Granted (Narcissism, Losses, and Life Crises)
Facilitating Narcissism (Narcissism and Social Skills)
Telling Them Apart (How to Recognize a Narcissist)
The Adrenaline Junkie (Narcissism as a Thrill Ride)
Narcissism and Evil
Narcissism, Substance Abuse, and Reckless Behaviors
The Cyber Narcissist (Narcissists on the Internet)
Abusing the Gullible Narcissist
The Two Loves of the Narcissist
The Professions of the Narcissist
Misdiagnosing Narcissism - The Bipolar I Disorder
Misdiagnosing Narcissism - Asperger's Disorder
Misdiagnosing Narcissism - Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Acquired Situational Narcissism
The Narcissist's Reality Substitutes
The Narcissist's Confabulated Life
Narcissism - From Abuse to Suicide
The Narcissist's Object Constancy
Back to La-la Land (Giving the Narcissist a Second Chance)
The Cult of the Narcissist (The Narcissist as Guru)
The Narcissist's Time
The Misanthropic Altruist (Philanthropy as Sadistic Narcissism)
Grandiosity Bubbles (Temporary Narcissistic Outbreak)
The Depressive Narcissist (Narcissism, Depression, and Dysphoria)
The Enigma of Normal People (Narcissists and Social Cues)
Dr. Watson and Mr. Hastings (The Narcissist and His Friends)
The Intermittent Explosive Narcissist (Narcissistic Injury and Rage)
The Narcissism of Differences Big and Small
Inner Dialog, Cognitive Deficits, and Introjects in Narcissism
The Prodigy as Narcissistic Injury
Indifference and Decompensation (as forms of Narcissistic Aggression)
Narcissism, Psychosis, and Delusions
The Narcissist as Eternal Child
Idealization, Grandiosity, Cathexis, and Narcissistic Progress
The Narcissist's Inner Judge (Superego and Narcissistic Defenses)
The Pathological Charmer
The Compulsive Giver
Excerpt
How I "Became" a Narcissist
By: Sam Vaknin
I remember the day I died. Almost did. We were in a tour of Jerusalem.
Our guide was the Deputy Chief Warden. We wore our Sunday best suits - stained dark blue, abrasive jeans shirts tucked in tattered trousers. I could think of nothing but Nomi. She left me two months after my incarceration. She said that my brain did not excite her as it used to.
We were sitting on what passed as a grassy knoll in prison and she was marble cold and firm. This is why, during the trip to Jerusalem, I planned to grab the Warden's gun and kill myself.
Death has an asphyxiating, all-pervasive presence and I could hardly breathe. It passed and I knew that I had to find out real quick what was wrong with me - or else.
How I obtained access to psychology books and to internet from the inside of one of Israel's more notorious jails, is a story unto itself.
In this film noire, this search of my dark self, I had very little to go on, no clues and no Della Street by my side. I had to let go - yet I never did and did not know how.
I forced myself to remember, threatened by the immanent presence of the Grim Reaper. I fluctuated between shattering flashbacks and despair. I wrote cathartic short fiction. I published it. I remember holding myself, white knuckles clasping an aluminum sink, about to throw up as I am flooded with images of violence between my parents, images that I repressed to oblivion. I cried a lot, uncontrollably, convulsively, gazing through tearful veils at the monochrome screen.
The exact moment I found a description of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder is etched in my mind. I felt engulfed in word-amber, encapsulated and frozen. It was suddenly very quiet and very still. I met myself. I saw the enemy and it was I.
The article was long winded and full of references to scholars I never heard of before: Kernberg, Kohut, Klein. It was a foreign language that resounded, like a forgotten childhood memory. It was I to the last repellent details, described in uncanny accuracy: grandiose fantasies of brilliance and perfection, sense of entitlement without commensurate achievements, rage, exploitation of others, lack of empathy.
I had to learn more. I knew I had the answer. All I had to do was find the right questions.
That day was miraculous. Many strange and wonderful things happened. I saw people - I SAW them. And I had a glimmer of understanding regarding my self - this disturbed, sad, neglected, insecure and ludicrous things that passed for me.
It was the first important realization - there were two of us. I was not alone inside my body.
One was an extrovert, facile, gregarious, attention-consuming, adulation-dependent, charming, ruthless and manic-depressive being. The other was schizoid, shy, dependent, phobic, suspicious, pessimistic, dysphoric and helpless creature - a kid, really.
I began to observe these two alternating. The first (whom I called Ninko Leumas - an anagram of the Hebrew spelling of my name) would invariably appear to interact with people. It didn't feel like putting a mask on or like I had another personality. It was just like I am MORE me. It was a caricature of the TRUE me, of Shmuel.
Shmuel hated people. He felt inferior, physically repulsive and socially incompetent. Ninko also hated people. He held tham in contempt. THEY were infoerior to his superior qualities and skills. He needed their admiration but he resented this fact and he accepted their offerings codescendingly.
As I pieced my fragmented and immature self together I began to see that Shmuel and Ninko were flip sides of the SAME coin. Ninko seemed to be trying to compensate Shmuel, to protect him, to isolate him from hurt and to exact revenge whenever he failed. At this stage I was not sure who was manipulating who and I did not have the most rudimentary acquaintance with this vastly rich continent I discovered inside me.
But that was only the beginning.
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