I was insprired By Pat Conroy Of The Great Santini, and Mary Edwards Wertsch of Military Brats Legacies Of Childhood Inside The Fortress.And of course my life...I have never wrote a book before..Jen    

My parents both grew up in Wausau WI,my mother Debbie Stencil came from a family of five children on Wausau's East side. Her  mother Catherine was a cook at the Palms supper club in Schofield WI.And her father John R.Stencil  was a general laborer who worked odd jobs. I am proud to say that before my Grandma Ever met my Grandfather that she had Riveted ships together during WW11 .she also worked at summer resorts . My Father Warren G.Reynolds grew up in a family of eight children to Mr and Mrs Cliff & Helen Reynolds they lived in the house that they had built on Flieth St in Wausau's west side known as the hollow. My dads father origionally came from Little Falls Minnesota his parents Michael & Anna were pig farmers.He came to Wausau for Job oppertunities. He met my grandmother Helen while working at Marathon Electric. in Wausau. My parents had something that i did not have Roots.my mother and father grew up along friends ,and knew their families. I am asking myself the question am I jealous? no i am not . I wouldn't trade my lifes experience for anything even if it ment having a lack of bonds .My father signed up for the Air Force when he was eighteen.According to his oldest sister my aunt Nancy ,he just got on the bus and went .my mother Graduated and landed herself a local job at Connor Factory  in Wausau where she made cabinets. They met at a local beer garden called Franks Hideout.She was two months pregnant with me when they got married at Holy Name Catholic Church in Wausau's West Side.Daddy was stationed at Offiut Air Force Base Nebraska were they lived off base in a Trailer . My mother said that when i was born on Base(06/23/1974) that my father wasn't in the room.That he was sitting in the hall she said that he couldn't stomach it.And when i was born i came out sleeping.I can remember that.I remember my first cry. I can rembemer the new strangeness of the world. I remember the first time i saw people.I had no clue what was going on. we eventually moved from the trailer to a lower apartment near the base. I was always in a playpen when my mother was busy and id try to grab her attention by throwing glass baby bottles on the floor and they would break. "Oh jenny not again she would say." Lord knows what she did to make things better.I was a terrible toddler too. I remember having two beagle pups who would love to escape the yard and I would follow them.dad would find out and spank my behind.He had a secondary job as a bartender at one time. he could get explosive on occassion and at one time ripped our telephone out of the wall.Mom would get scared and take me on a Greyhound bus back to Wausau. she'd fix herself up with welfare until He won her heart back. Alcohol had a significant part in our lives. she left him multiple times  because of it. It wasn't too long after that  that my sister Heather was born.She too like me was born on Offuit Air Force Base.Dad was present this time in the delivery room and though mom was in pain he told her to take it like a man.Heather was an April fools baby(04/01/1977).She was suppose to be a boy surprise . she had dark brown hair to my blonde ,and she became a royal pain in my life.She knew how to push peoples buttons . Not long after she was born dad was stationed to Elmendorf AFB Alaska. He purchased a 1976 Chevy Van.It was sky blue and had a sliding door and bubble windows in the back.It was lined with blue and white shagg carpet had a bed in the back and a black side couch.It became our travel vehicle he drove it from Nebraska to our new home Elmendorf. My sister and I had both been baptized.I was baptized in Wausau and had relatives sponsoring me. She on the other hand had another service man and his wife sponsor her.I live close to my god parents and hers are in Sturgis South Dakota. Its the roots and the military thing i guess.It's something not to ponder greatly on but i am grateful to know mine inspite of our relationships.my sister barely knows hers.they could have almost dropped off of the face of the earth. The trip north to Alaska  is one that i can barely remember. i remember riding on a narrow mountain road the Elcan is what my mother called it .looking out the bubble windows in the back. It scared me when my father would encounter an on coming car, and would have to drive in reverse to the nearest clearing to let the other vehice pass.It would happen on numerous occassions and he and the other driver would flip a coin to see who would go and drive in reverse he could have also buttered the guy up with a can of beer.My mother was praying mostly taking care of her almost three year old daughter and her baby girl. "geez Warren don't try and kill us." He would reassure her "Everything will be alright Deb" . I put alot of trust and faith into my father and thought that he was a man who could do anything in the worst situations possible. He was a Man of good stock. He knew how to use tools ,And seemed to be well equipped.My mother was relieved when we got to The base's shelter .I had a ball running around the place taking her lipstick to the shelter walls. she brings that up to me to this day every once in awhile .I could just imagine her cleaning the mess up .We moved into the base housing. I still to young to understand anything about my dads career but would soon have my eyes opened up to it. The Base housing  Contiained a circle of housing complexes each to my belief could hold up to six families they were two story units two bedrooms, one bath,a living and dining room  a front and back porch ,a kitchen, and a complete basement with wash room(his tool room). dad had a work bench in there.That was my Government home snuggled safely behind government gates thats where Heather took her first steps,thats where I learned how to ice skate ,roller skate, and ride a bike . The base had the accomodations to substain us a hospital, PX, commisary(grocery store)and a liquer store as well as schools. Our families socialized, partied,and camped together we had attended church at the base chapel and would watch movies at the base theater. At first i didn't have many friends.My fourth Birthday party was a small gathering of other military families and their kids.They were all strange to me . I didn't truly gain a friend until i started kindergarten .At Aurora Elementry School on the base her name was Shannon  she had flaming red hair and freckles we were inseperable.I always wanted to be with her sitting at her table I remember bobbing for apples together. She and her younger sister katie lived with their parents in the military housing complex just across from ours.I envied them for having Cable Television, and other nice things like Strawberry Shortcake dolls, and Canopy beds but most of all i liked their dog Sugar he was to my knowledge a terrier mix, and one day i tried to pet him and he jumped up and bit me in the cheek.I carry the scar from that one.Id go over to their place for a sleepover and cry my eyes out that i didn't have a dog ,and normally my mother would pick me up, and bring me home.At that time i had severe allergies and having a dog or a cat was on the list of things i was allergic to .I had allergy shots twice a week for nearly seven years. as time went by they have gotten better. I remember the hill that our housing complexes sat upon called Cherry Hill. Every day alot of us kids would walk it to school and back.It had wooded areas on both sides and seprate playgrounds on each side of the main road we had alot of close encounters with Moose on that hill.They would often come up to our porch. my scariest encounter happend one morning when i was in the first grade everyday id walk to school with a boy named Carl he was a grade up on me.I was six and he was seven.I Heard a thumping noice coming out of the blue. Thump! Ka Thump! Ka Thump!. I was looking to the woods on the left and right of me i turned around and there it was a Bull Moose chasing down after us.I was like Run! Carl! Run! . It  chased us halfway down to school we crossed a road and it stopped in its tracks and ran up into the woods again.If i didn't turn around that day to seek out that noise we probably would have been a couple of human pincushions .one day Carl wasn't there. Never to be heard from again. Families came and went all of the time my mother babysat for alot of the families. she instilled religon into us even though my father never liked going  to church .My whole first communion class was made up of military Brats .She a daughter of catholic parents wanted to make sure that jesus was in  our lives .He was more important then the military.Everything in the whole wide word actually.She drilled it in us hard.Ive got pictures of my holy communion all of us brats together posing for the picture even though it turned out blurred.My Life at school wasn't always peaches and cream. I had been held back a year due to being sick. Kids were always playing pranks like putting tacks on teachers chairs .Alot of them weren't friendly i participated well and enjoyed art, and books. our playground was surrounded by mountains. i liked the merry go round .l liked to skate during recess, and play monsters in a cage.Some mornings id walk to school in the dark and after school  id sometimes walk home in the dark The Aurora Borealis reminded me of Angels dancing in the sky.  The Seasons Changing .picking Dandelions in the spring.We had school carnivals ,and cake walks, and field trips.one time we went to The Alaska Zoo. But there was something missing Family.I can always remember asking my parents about Grandparents,and family Why cant we see them? When can we call them? Twice my mother, Heather and I flown to wausau to visit.We would stay for two weeks and be gone again. My Grandmother Helen died before my sister was born all I know is that she held me as a baby.And told my mother not to marry my Dad.Grandpa Cliff was a heavyset man who I last remember as a man who chewed Tobacco ,and pushed around a shopping cart full of whittling sticks I miss him greatly.we would stay at grandpa and grandma's stencils during those times where we could play with our cousins.Just enough to know them,and get on Grandmas nerves.I accidentally spilt some cherry Kool-Aid on her nice white Table cloth,and she said Debbie your child is nothing but demon spawn.Tears rolled down my cheeks where i felt that she didn't love me.One week Mom shipped us out to a farm while visiting my allergies flared up.She wanted to have fun with her friends .That week was very unpleasant.We went home. More families came and went. Id try to befriend everyone i can in our housing complex.I remember faces i can remember lots of first names. One in paticular Ron He was my best friend. I had a sky blue huffy banana seat bike called the Sky Queen and He had a BMX bike.We are in the time Where E.T. Hit the screens ,and Reeses pieces was a popular candy.I first noticed him outside his porch.And asked him his name and would you like to come play with me? I never knew where  he lived before he moved to the base I never asked questions .We had too much fun riding around and digging boobie traps and constructing forts ,and watching out for moose.We always talked about tommorrow as to say in the civilian world having ourselves a grand fort. He was nine i was eight. I considered him my prince .The prince of Elmendorf fortress. He was so heroic one day when he came to my call Help! Us! Ron! Help! there was another moose scare at one of our playgrounds on Cherry Hill  .A female moose had found its way out of the woods while we were playing I know that their was several of us including Heather,and katie. i quickly gathered everyone up ,and we climbed to the top of a platform slide I happend to notice Ron ,and hollered at him. He did not hesitate to hop on his bike and come over and bravely chased the moose back into the woods again.I told him that he was my prince and gave him a kiss,and then He told me he had to leave.Then Tommorrow became tommorrow. Ive read in Pat Conroys The Great Santini That they're as good as dead. I believe that he's out there somewhere. In my heart he is alive and well.Possibly a successful Man.He's probably got a beautiful family too . With my beliefs and hopes i will be reunited with him someday by this book or in heaven.I never give up hope .They're others that i am looking for as well .The Days became long without Having Ron in my life. I would just cling to trees and cry. Eventually Shannon&katies family's turn was next. And ours too. I was so happy to find out the news that they were going to be stationed at Hill top Air Force Base in Utah where we were going to be stationed too.Not everyone is as good as dead.Truthfully i wanted to go back to Wausau.Where i wanted it to be my permenant home I loved going through my parents year books , and longed to go to their highschool We had lived in Alaska for five years I turned nine on the road.The biggest thrill of my birthday was riding on a horse for the first time at one of our many campsites. We went and visited WhiteHorse Canada.We stopped in Wausau before we went to Utah. We drove up to Grandma and Grandpa's Stencils house and knocked on the door you should of seen the look on grandmas face she was so surprised. We had the best visit there we stayed at grandpa Reynolds house we went boating,swimming,fishing,and to the fair. I have forgotten something on Elmendorf the men my father associated with. and the Barracks Prank .We had lots of good programming back in the day The Dukes of Hazzard,Happy Days, All In The Family,and The Barbara Mandrell show,Dad liked his shows Porky's ,Horrors,and the News.He'd watch those Horror films ,and enjoyed the fact that they scared the crap out of me.Id hide behind him in his recliner.My father hung around barracks men Andy ,and Bill they liked to hang out together and drink alot I remember him having a drinking party one time when my mom wasn't home.They would give Heather,and i So called Horsey rides.Andy was the wild one. Bill was much more silent.Dad would take me to the barraks on occassion to see them i remember the yellowish color of the buildings bricks, and the long red hall carpet, the metal ashtrays at the entrance of the door ."Come on Jenny" my father would say lets go see Bill. the hallway was barely lit and the only light there was came from  the mens open doors. We walked to Bills door which was closest to the entrance on the left hand side.My father went and said hi and told me to wait with Bill while he went to see Andy. Bills Barraks  room was furnished with a twin bed, a chair and a small television with stand every room had an individual bathroom. my father came back for me and told me that Arnold had a surprise for me. His room was  torwards at the end of the hall.I remember walking past the mens open doors and seeing them peer out at me.i got to Andys room and walked in "Andy" i said as i seen him standing in front of the bathroom mirror. I came a step closer ,and he turned around with what appeared to be blood dripping from his lips.He was moaning  like a mad man . I screamed at the sight of it all, and ran out his door back into the hall to where my father was laughing hysterically.I was only five years old. "look jen it's only toothpaste you see."I didn't find it very funny.Don't tell your mom about it okay. later in life I told her about it, and she sided with my dad and said it was a harmless prank.I have never pulled that one on my kids .I have no intentions too.when we were back in Wausau my fathers  sister my aunt Marcy had a Rental property just across the street from my grandma and grandpa's stencil.its located on the corner of 12th st ,and timberline rd Rd.It is a nice three bedroom house one bath home it had an African American family living there at the time. Helen, and I enjoyed playing with the little girls who lived there .The house had a pool table downstairs in the basement , a neat stairway to the attic ,and a laundry chute built into the bathroom vanity.We would have fun opening up its little door ,and looking down into the basement and waving at each other.I did that one time ,and got caught by our little friends teenage brother, and he exposed himself to me in the bathroom.I got out of there quick ,and made that a nineteen year secret.we packed up the van and went to Utah where we met up with Helens godparents the Lollie's. I can barely remember their names Gerry, Harriet, Grant,and Laura they took us in on Hilltop for a couple of nights until we found a rental home in Roy Utah. The house we found was a small two bedroom home in a decent neighborhood inspite of a large Mormon family living next door.A couple of their kids liked to give us grief for being new ,and Catholic. We located the Geils and i was still envious of Shaunnas possessions she had a new waterbed and a red ten speed bike ,but They gave me the most wonderful gift of all a Dog . Chipper was a black and white pure bred Cocker Spaniel he was my release at that moment in my life.We had first tried cats Garfield & Whiskars and they posed to be nothing but trouble knocking over plants,climbing into the washing machine, and causing Ring worm.My allergies were much better even though i was still getting shots.School was interesting I was always questioned by my religion .Whats it like at your church Jenny? and i didn't even have one.Not yet at least. besides the Geils Helen, and I had few friends.There was another jenny that lived nearby who gave us those two cats, and a brother and sister Hugh and Ladonna.I liked their Walnut tree that they had in their yard. I would like to climb it.Id often climb it and look at the sunset and think of Ron.He was out there somewhere.At that time that was my new tommorrow the first time i had attended public school. Really being out in the public eye.Going to the library ETC..My double life was on base with my fathers career I felt privleged.We still shopped at the commisary,and PX on base. I was honored to be able to be so close to the jets be able to see inside their cock pits.to attend air shows, and to have top care at their school. Dental cleanings and Eye exams when i attended Aurora. I pledged to the Flag everyday proudly in Roy at Valley View Elementary we didn't have that .I had something the same. Homework. I kept to myself at Valley View alot .I participated in few outdoor games during recess. Helen was more social she has our moms gift of gab.I had my art. During my third grade year i didn't have any problems until the start of the fourth grade there. Thats when i really felt like an outcast. I was the last kid to be picked in line for lunch. Every day it was like that. Id get dirty looks.Heckled ,and i sat alone.I was asked by a teacher to start the lunch line one day, and I got up, and ran right out the door. I cried alot, and prayed for a change I wanted to move again.I sought comfort through my  family, and playing with my dog.Mom had us involved with the Girl Scouts .She got her drivers license and chauffered us around. Dad eventually got us another rental home in Layton utah and when news broke loose at Valley View that i was leaving shouts of joy were let out.that fourth grade class was mean.I prayed for a better life in Layton. Helen and i tranferred to a new Elementry school. Layton Elementry I felt very welcomed by a smaller class of unique individuals my new fourth grade teacher was Mrs Simmons was a very nice lady.My classmates were  more pleasant then the last ,and i became even more socialable my most memorable class mate was Ms Teen Utah Barbara Hamilton. she lived in our neighborhood.I enjoyed going to her house and jump on her trampoline.She was very popular then there was Justin Woodward his mother Patti was a teachers assistant I named my own son after him ,and there was Mrs Simmons adopted son Toby and a, Handicapped boy named David. I was first intoduced to Utah history there.We had it shoved down our throats,but it was interesting. I did not know too much about Wisconsin at all only that we were the home of lumberjacks yes Paul Bunyan.Helen and I quickly made alot of friends in the neighborhood I thought Layton was a wonderful place to live. It was the best time of my life especially with the friends we had, and for it still being the rocking 80's.The best decade ever. I remember everything from Atari to Swatch Watches the Rubix cube fitted somewhere in between.The movies, The music,MTV.Helen, and i Hung out with Jeremy and Jill carr they lived two houses away from ours. They could have been to us like siblings.Jeremy was in my class and Jill was in Helens wed keep ourselves occupied to no end they were Luthern.We had lots of Mormon friends Christina ,and Carrie Andrews who also lived just houses away whos dad had a prostetic leg, and even used one as their mailbox post.They had five children in their family.Their mother Beth was good with a sewing machine ,and sewed me together a Pound Puppy .I also have my best friend of all time Cheryl A. Price she was African American whos grandmother Ruby jewel Price was a teacher. Ruby was a very prominant figure in her community. Cheryl lived with both of her grandparents. Ralph Sr was her grandfather.They lived in a older home on W Gentile st in layton not too far from Cook st were we lived.Cook street actually branches off of it.I first met Cheryl in the Fifth grade i just had enough will power to say hi to her.I knew that not all black people were bad. For all the friends i lost or the rejection,  and cruelty of others.She made up for it.We could have been sown at the sides .We were the girls on the playground playing Double Dutch or at least trying to. we played regular jumprope, and chinese jumprope. we would flip ourselves over bars i could twirl myself around like a plumbers wrench, and she could penny drop.She would make me worry whenever she would do one. i didn't want to see her injure herself. She was classy,and wore nice clothes she had chickens, cats, and a yard full of curiosity.Her grandfather loved to collect junk.He fashioned her a tire ride hooked up from one tree and down to another it was fun, and scary.The fun part you were flying down a long cable ,and with faith grandpa Ralph would run and catch hold of a rope attached to the tire to stop you before you hit the second tree .She had a Ping Pong table in her yard ,and we would play Ping Pong.I stayed the night at her house alot we would enjoy riding our bikes in the summer to Staleys store just more West on Gentile past fields of onions. We would have migrant students at layton Elementary.I at least known one i can't remember his name. he wasn't there long .We'd go to Staleys to stock up on candy like Sour Patch Kids,and Garbage Pail kids that big Cabbage Patch KId Craze was going on heavily.To some  people they were like their own flesh and blood. Mrs Carr had a couple .Helen, and i each had one, and related items.Mom would even crochet clothes for them there was alot of talented Military wives on Elmendorf who taught her how to Crochet. she made mittens, scarfs,and hats to keep us warm in the Alaskan temperatures. she aldo made friends and family Afgans.She would have them shipped home. My Father's father passed away when we were out in Utah, and he flew home for the funeral. I felt like i hadn't known much about that man at all,But my last memory of him with his shopping cart .Relatives would poke fun out of his weight. i cried for him alot wishing that we would have had more of a bond.Mom tried to cover up for the loss by taking our minds off of it like taking us out to eat or to the Drive In Theater, we shopped alot.My father's job and all of its perks robbed me blind .We threw alot of attention on Chipper who kept giving the unconditional love back.Dad became angry and hurtful to the dog and at one time grabbed him by the back of his neck, and swung him over head ,and smacked him down on the coffee table.His drinking didn't help he would still be an explosive monster if something didn't go his way.I remember on Elmendorf How he came home drunk with a couple bottles of booze in hand . Mom and him got into an arguement over his drinking, and she made him pour out his liquer in the kitchen sink. I cannot believe you're making me do this Donna.He said. I can not believe you're making me do this.That was the end to the heavy booze .She probably threatend to leave him again.We missed him terribly when ever he had to go over seas.We would have a wish list of souvenirs for him to bring back from foreign countries. Japanese dolls in glass cases ,plates,vases, mostly plates.We would bide our time waiting for his return.He would be gone for weeks to months at a time.His career had turned him into a Globe trotter, and he was always on call. I remember the badges on his green uniform the striped one especially with the star on top .Its hard to recall, but the more stripes you had the better your rank.He had lots of stripes .He was a tech sergeant. He was in charge of maintaining the air craft. Dad would hollar at mom for trying to keep up with the Jones she was hooked on excercise equipment ,and diet fads mom even joined a weight loss club called Tops on Elmendorf where she lost a significant amount of weight.Due to getting her jaw busted, and realigned to fix her over bite.She was sucking up soup through straws, and lord knows she would try to talk. Those wires were ugly.After the wires were removed she flown from Anchorage to Fairbanks Alaska for a Tops weight loss pagent.She made Chapter Queen. she was so happy and dad got jealous ,and accused her for messing around.The man had more military pals on base that were into Three Wheeling and four wheeling up in the beautiful Utah mountains .He did not hesitate to set himself up with a three wheeler and a trailer to go with it. I was eight when i first got on one of those. I was Eleven when the man said to me you're going to learn how to operate one or never learn at all.He was a hard ball In my mind he was out to be like his friends the Jones .It was fun but dangerous Dad bought two helmets for it. He liked to have a few, and take Helen and i up into the mountains near farmington UTwhere we would ride like speed demons .At one time He and i Just went up to the top and came screaming down when we hit a mixture of slush and dirt ,and the three wheeler flipped and knocked us both off. I seen my life fly right in front of my eyes as i was thrown over the edge of the road  fortunately i wasn't thrown too far .I remember being unconcious,and coming out of it for a glimpse of my father laying on his back in the middle of the road his glasses were flown off his face. I sank back into the unconciousness and awoke again to his arms as he gently shook me, and asked me if i was okay. He picked up the tree wheeler ,and we headed back to our campsite.Mom was worried and asked us where weve been.She told us to be more cautious.If we weren't on that thing the better. Dad often took us swimming either at lakes or at Layton City Surf & Swim.It was a wave pool that was open year round at the end of Layton City Park.It was a fun place to go besides the Layton Hills Mall that was located on the outskirts of the Base.Tiffany was a popular music artist, and as Cheryl and I were roaming the mall ditchng mom of course Shaunna was into Footloose.We had a couple of years of wonderful birthday parties, and halloweens as well as christmases.One year cheryl made rounds to all her friends with a man dressed up in a santa suit. Mrs Price even gifted me with a plush Teddybear stocking cheryl had one just like it. Only with a white teddybear mine was brown. That stocking is special to me. Every year i proudly display it. It takes me back to that time in my life, and  reminds me of them.Grandma and grandpa stachovak shipped christmas stockings full of goodies with a small tube of toothpaste, and a new tooth brush stuffed in the foot of them.Dads sister my aunt Maryann sent a box of christmas goodies as well .They wanted us home for the holidays, and in our hearts we wanted to be there too.We took it with a stiff upper lip.Possessions,possessions ,possessions I am not talking about moving either. I am talking about the Barbie world. my first barbie was a Western Barbie with her horse Dallas.Barbie was a normalcy in our lives. I had about a thousand Barbie dolls to one Ken. I had a Barbie bike, a pool set, a Barbie bathroom , and a Barbie bed set. The Barbie possessions that I longed to have was a remote controlled Barbie Corvette. And Her ever popular Barbie dream house with an elevator. I believe that Shaunna  had one and so did Jill. Dad surprised us one christmas and made us a Doll house with carpeting,Furniture, and curtains as well as a storage space in the roof or as i can say a Barbie attic.That was the most memorable christmas present he had given us.Not meaning to flip flop the holidays but ive got thanksgiving on my mind now we mostly got together with other Military friends of my Fathers, and their kids.one family i know of is the Berens. David ,and Mary .and their kids Scott ,and Terri they had two beautiful dogs.Mary was from Peru. Scott was constructive and made his own waterbed.And Terri married young.They lived north east of Gentile St. One year my aunt Barb and uncle Bud one of my dads four brothers, and one of their sons my cousin Joey, and a elderly neighbor of theirs known as Grandpa Cass flown in for the Holiday. Helen , and I gave up our bedrooms for them. We were stuck sleeping in the spare room on a full sized folding bed that had a big dip in the middle we shared that room with chipper.They stayed for a little over a week.I remember over consuming my share of pumpkin pie that holiday, and my aunt watched me eat it in disbelief.Grandpa Cass was a religous man who loved to pray. Helen would kneel at his side and pray with him before bed. When he died she cried . At that time they all lived in Mosinee WI. I was grateful to see them for that little while. I didn't know when id see them again.Ive learned more Utah history visited Salt lake City seen the Tabernacle, the capital building, The Pioneer Museum,Bringham youngs Mansion. I learned about polygamy .The  Mormon church. And the Book Of Mormon. Ive been to The Parade Of Trees .and am familiar with it being Donny and Marie Osmonds home state. I had a C average in school I had a hard time focusing on my studies Always thinking about Ron ,and my family in Wisconsin .When are we going to go home?I had to learn to live for now, and to keep supporting my father, and his career.My family was us the four of us we were a unit a functional unit. We also had our bumps.I managed to move up into the seventh grade with Cheryl. We attended Central Davis Junior High it was a long walking commute every day from home and back . Style was everything, The head bands,the charm necklaces, the clothes , and the shoes ,and crimped hair .Mom had held a short term job at a potato chip factory to help make some extra money.Helen and i became Latch key kids.I did not always like her working. sombody needed to be home for hugs. mom had friends of her own off base .One lady in particular was well off and another who's name was Karen whom i did not like riding with lived nearby. I thought Karen was crazy, but mom liked her because she loved to gab.Karen was a seamstress. She made me a floraly dress for a valentines day dance i thought it was ugly.On occassion dad would come home drunk, and mom and him would get into it. she'd threatend to leave him and get a Divorce.Helen and i never liked the sound of it.I would often wipe away her tears. One time mom did leave and Karen took us in. That was a very uncomfortable situation it distrupted my life. She made us pick up after her dog since chipper was with us. She figured it was mostly his doo.She acted like she could determine shit.This one's sammy's  this ones yours Etc..I missed my dad. I missed sleeping in my own bed .i missed my routine,my friends. life was uncertain.Eventually he talked her to coming back home with him.For awhile I became withdrawn from them .They would ask me how i would feel about something, and i would tell them that i did not care.Take that back Jenny my dad would say.My father shortly completed his twentieth year of service.He had the option to complete two more years of service to be a master sergeant.But we convinced him not to.It was time to go home.Saying good bye to Cheryl was one of the hardest things i had to do. I spent two hours on the phone with her while we were packing up.Telling her that ill come back to visit.The Geils settled down and bought a house in Clintonville Utah.We said good bye to them too.We jotted down addresses and phone numbers. The movers came, and we handed back the keys to the rental house. We left chipper at a neighbors and headed further out west we went to Las Vegas the casino Circus,Circus we stayed at a nice hotel, and swam in a lighted outdoor pool. I enjoyed watching the entertainers perform circus acts . We played games and hung out with mom upstairs while Dad gambled downstairs.I am not sure if he won anything, but we had fun we went out to California to Disney Land. I remember driving out of clean air and into the smogg.The traffic was bumper to bumper.One of my first sights in California was a prostitute with a brown leather jacket, and a yellow comb in her hair.We passed her on our way to our hotel. Our hotel was under management by a middle aged couple from India.It wasn't as nice as Vegas.No one cleaned our room. Disney Land was well worth The trip though. It was like a dream come true.A reward for all the years that we had supported dad in his career. The whole family had fun. I liked Star Tours ,and my first most awesomest 3D experience Michael Jacksons Captain EO. We were on our feet until we couldn't stand anymore. life was good we camped out in Yellowstone on the way back. I remember seeing Fire Fighters resting hillside putting out forest fires. We came back and picked chipper up from the neighbors, and Headed to Wausau. This was it.This was the big payout.We were returning to family. I missed Cheryl though and could only think of seeing her again someday. I planned to call her when we were settled. I pondered on the schools that i would go to, and the new friends i would make.I couldn't wait to be reunited with family, and to  plant myself, and get to know them better.I remember dad having to fix a flat tire on the way there. the van was on it's last legs we made it though, and ended up staying our first night at Grandpa Ringwelski's house my fathers older brothers Michael J,and Richard were living there.We ended up living in my aunt Maryann's rental property on the corner of 12th and townline Rd. yes that property. My aunt  don't know my secret. It happend long before, and is what i consider water over the dam. where is the man? it is too late to track him down.He could be in prison . I was happy to be living across the street from my grandma & grandpa Stachovak before dad hit the pavement  job hunting we went to Great America in Illinois that was fun. That was the only summer where we did anything. The civilian world slapped dad in the face His first job since he retired was in Weston WI at a heavy machinery manufacturing company.He was laid off shortly after . He found a steady job where his sister Maryann worked at GPI Fiber Glass. Where they made fiber glass holding tanks. in the mean time mom took on odd cleaning  jobs Helen was enrolled in the sixth grade at Hawthorn hills Elementry School, and I was enrolled at my fathers middle school John Muir.as an eighth grader the year was 1989. I attended school with my second cousin Jacob Stachovak he lived a street up from Townline road called Monroe st next to his grandmothers home.My great aunt Sylvia Stachovak ,my grandfathers sister in law. his parents are David & Carolyn he had two brothers Eric & Luke I was an outcast... Jake and the other kids who rode my bus were rooted.Growing up closely together in their neighborhoods they ignored me .Maybe  Jacob  would on occassion said hi ,but thats about as much as it got .I thought the ride to school and back each day was hellish.That was the only year i took a regular school bus to school .John Muir itself quite interesting I was introduced to a new culture. The Hmong Culture I used to sit at lunch everyday with a Hmong girl named Mai.She was very  smart, and very quiet. I also sat with another native american girl named Andrea both of them had long dark hair, and Andrea worn glasses.The Hmong helped us fight the vietnam war, and in the end we were bringing them over here to keep them away from the communist in their country Laos. Inspite of being an outcast and sticking out like a sore thumb.I enjoyed my classes Home Economics,Science, And Art And social studies. the first boy there that i seemed to notice was Adam Jamgochan. His father owned the Hiawatha Bar And Lounge .He had bleached bangs and a cute little attention span .He was mostly sleeping half the time but i liked him. The second boy i noticed was Mark Buege he was amongst the popular group. He and a girl named Becky it seemed like they got all the attention even from teachers Swatches were hot. I would be heckled for my clothes that were not  by a designer name.In layton that did not matter. The teachers were nicer here  at John Muir. Then they were at Central Davis Junior High. It really depended on who you got. I had two bad ones. one picked up a broom one time and threatend to swing it at us if we disrespected him. The other a Utah history teacher named Mr Beck who thought he could control students by dragging them by the ears to his desk where he made them sit on the floor . He was a teacher from hell and he aways gave me F's .The only time i got an A was when Dad and his buddies made up a report on Utah for me ,and i handed it in to him . He questioned me on it and asked me if it was my work.I lied to him and said that it was. He called us students his troops. He helped push me out of the state. i missed  family friends.Other neighbors of ours The Webbs,and Christina Andrews. I called cheryl on occassion. But don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got till it's gone.I got poked fun at for having colored socks by a mean girl named Tammy. I turned the corner got into a dispute with another girl Jennifer Beyer. and had a named slapped on me.I carried that name all through highschool .I was a slow learner especially in history.My name was turtle .it was pure abuse . I learned to cope through my artistry. I was considered emotionally Disturbed ,and the toughest Question i had to answer was where did you come from?My family was my refuge.Dad had took out a loan for a new customized 1990 Chevy 4x4 with an extended cab.It was hard trading in that old van.Living for the now.Living for the new. We sacraficed for that truck by stretching pennies.We bought more generic brand stuff at the grocery store . I went out and got baby sitting jobs ,and remembered a time when dad ran short on money and asked me for my savings. I gave it to him, and he went and bought beer and ciggarettes with it.Mom wanted her dream  house.Our families welcomed us  We had many outdoor get togethers , Holiday  celebrations at grandma and grandpa Stachovaks house things were good for awhile.We Helped my mothers sister my so called Godmother my aunt Diane and uncle Jack help move from Green Bay to wausau .Diane was my mothers  twin Sister. They were not identical.The only thing they have in common is their shared birthday Apr 3rd .Mom was born first. Diane and Jack have two children Terri, and Kenny. I only spent smidgeons of time with them in my life accepting them for who they are was the harder part My Aunt and my cousin terri Thought they were perfect flawless to a T . Terri wanted to help the famined children in Africa. I thought she had the most beautiful blonde hair in the world. Kenny was my aunts Golden Boy .He let me play with his sling shot while we were camping at our great uncle Harveys home in Phelps WI. He was one of my Grand mother Catherines  many brothers He was a care taker of a fine resort.My uncle Jack was a truck Driver My aunt Diane was working in the Laundry Dept at The holiday Inn in Green Bay. And I believe Wausau's She eventually landed herself a factory job near my dad in the Weston Industrial park. They and their coworkers would like to hang out at the Down The Hill Bar in Schofield WI everyday  after work. Mom who was always use to keeping the home fires burning wouldn't like to make my fathers supper so it would get cold. We often would go along with her to fish him out of the bar.My father could have sweated beer out through his pores . Alcohol was everywhere .The Mormons didn't touch a single drop they didn't drink caffiene either. I carried on into one of my childhood  fortress dreams Wausau East Highschool. The first Highschool in Wausau. The highschool my parents went to .I was so proud. I even had my mothers former Art teacher Mr Paul Polkinghorn he was a greyish haired man who had dark framed glasses i had him for two years.my Turtle name came along with me like as if it were pinned to my chest. Jake and Erin were there too and of course the most popular Mark Buege.I met another boy named Jeff Janikowski He was close friends with adam Jamgochian. He toppled me over in my Desk in English class . I was even called Dolly Parton by one kid. lord knows if that was some kind of a compliment or harrassment. I didn't consider myself large chested.I got paired up with a couple of locker mates.One who couldn't give a damn about me Heather Romanowski, and the other Melinda Cronce she was the first true friend that i had since we moved  to Wisconsin.She like me had only one sister named Amanda. Her father Jerry was a big man who was into Music.He was a drummer for a band called The Deuce Coupe he was also a chimney sweep. I am uncertain if he had a proper education. I thought he once said he dropped out. Melindas mother Mary was a registered nurse she was an introvert.She'd work come home to cook, and stay shut into her's and mr cronce's bedroom.Chain smoking and reading books.Back in their day they were into drugs.Melindas mom was a skinny lady .Melinda ,and Mandy both had strawberry blonde hair and both were also skinny like their mom.Melinda was into Health and Beauty products . she lingered alot. I swear she would never be ready not even for her own funeral.Kids at school would call her scooter.It made me feel not so all alone in the name calling department we did alot of great stuff together like going to the mall and roller skating.We also did bad stuff together like shoplifting.I was a minor theif and she was a major theif she got slapped with probation as a matter of fact. we weren't always that bad I was a church going catholic girl who was terrified to be kissed. She too was involved with church groups,and I have never gave back the medicine that i recieved from others all the while that i was in highschool. I never made anyone a target.The Jocks stood out with their letterman's jackets.One in particular our class president Sarah Brezinski.Both of her parents where teachers at Wausau East .She like the rest of the jocks had good grades. and shining medals that clanged whenever they walked.I envied her she was beautiful.Adam Jamgochian was also a jock.He played on the Hockey Team.I remember attending a game of his  with melinda ,and it was great to watch him skate.Dad also played hockey in his youth .My favorite sport is hockey.Two other girls stood out in the halls and eventually married into my family later in life.Their names were Heidi Anklam, and Vicki parsons . They too never gave me the time of day . no way they had reputations to protect.All they did was stare or look away.Times have changed with them two. But deep down i am still Turtle . forgiving and forgetting is something i pratice in life.Helen made friends easy. Nobody made fun of her being linked to me.She had one true friend named Andrea Merry she could have been like another sister to us.She was a very respectful person ,and pretty .She was a middle child of three girls .she was always over at the house and watched Helen ,and I argue plenty.Mom and dad still argued plenty. The rage was rising between mom and her twin bringing up accusations of the past .She accused my aunt for sleeping with my dad.Dad and mom would argue,and mom would run to her mother. She grabbed helen and I again, and took off to the womens shelter.We clung on to him when she would  try to leave again always threatening him with a divorce. my weight plummeted to the point where i was  almost skeletal i had an eating disorder that the doctor called borderline anorexia.I was killing myself for acceptance fortunately i pulled myself out of it.I was hanging around with the wrong crowd smoking ,and drinking.Then one day she packed up her stuff and walked out.I was months shy of graduating my life  went out the window. I was eighteen and helen was fifteen it was early 1993 i was closing in on my 19th birthday.she was fed up with dads shit. she wiped out their lifes savings and left. he turned into a raging monster grinding his teeth and pulling out his hair you're not leaving too he said.I couldn't stay there, and i left. I didn't like leaving Helen, and Chipper behind. I had a so called boyfriend named Matt, and he was living in a tiny apartment with his brother Dan.They shared it with a woman named Melissa and her daughter Jessica.Melissa was a hard core Biker chick she liked to drink ,she liked her men, and she had a rebellous daughter.She took me in. The place was filthy. We lived  together on Wausau's West side.With my dreams shattered and a little insecurity.I grown to trust her and treated her like a second mom. Drinking became habitual , and  School was obsolete.She got me into bars and paid for my drinks.She told me about her family and biker initiations. I was lucky to have her ,but I barely had a place to sleep. Matt didn't turn out to be a gentleman he turned out to be a cheat. I am surprised i didn't come down with any sexually transmitted diseases.He and Dan eventually split they had  criminal records.Melissa had told me that a gang of hers killed a man ,and buried him in a shallow grave.i lived on her goodside, and feared if she'd get angry. I minded Jessica who was ten. she never liked going to school. And acted overly mature for her age.She swore like a sailor ,and smoked cigarettes.I felt sorry for the girl she never knew her father.I was in need of money i was scrounging around the apartment for quarters.So i could go to the local gas station and buy granola bars.missy worked two jobs and barely had toilet paper. she lined me up with work .and i made her look bad by not showing up.She chewed me a new ass hole. At that point i came around and decided to finish school. I kicked myself in the ass to do so.No matter what i had to face. It was the night July 1st  1993 when she laid into me.I decided to go home the next day.I walked to another friends house for the night and it began to storm i read a little of a book on my friends bookshelf and went to bed. I had a dream that my grandfather John was going to pass.I remember seeing the paramedics at his house taking him out on a stretcher. i remember telling him that i loved him, and seeing an empty hospital room .I remember him lying in his casket and watching my mother place her hand on his shoulder, and tell him that she loved him,and the next day i woke up , and brushed it off.I could not wait to go home and start my life over.I couldn't wait to see them again and go to school. i was in a joyous mood i was dancing. I walked down Prospect St and made a left turn onto townline rd and thats were i noticed The paramedics sitting outside their home.It wasn't the first time that i had ever seen them there. Grandpa had emphysema from years of smoking.He had to use oxygen tanks, and a special breathing machine for his medicine. He also had bleeding ulcers. I had been stopped in my tracks, but went forward to their house to see what was going on, and i walked right into my dream It was like watching a film being re run.He was taken out of that house. I told him that i loved him, and he died of an aneurysm.the lack of control that i had over my thoughts, my own words ,and even actions.It felt like as if we were puppets, and somebody else was pulling the strings.It was very creepy especially at the church when my mother stood next to me in front of his coffin and reached over and touched his shoulder, and said i love you daddy.I truly believe that we were not alone.I truly believe that Jesus knows our thoughts and dwells within us. it was a heck of an experience for me at that time, and i had a heck of a time explaining it to my mother,and her relatives it was best that i kept my preminition to myself. Even though i was back home dad gave me grief for hanging around with melissa.He did not know how shattered i felt.We had poor communication.Id talk to him and be walking on egg shells. I started up school and only had two classes a day for a half a year.I worked a partime job on top of it At the local paper. The Wausau Daily Herald .I worked in the distribution center putting the paper together with an inserter machine.And i continued to drink .I paid melissa back with my gratitude by bringing her meals and taking jessica skating and out to an occassional movie. Melissa would try hooking me up with strange men.in her neighborhood you did not know what you were going to get. one guy threatend to beat me up.i got out of there quick.And then i met shane we were an item for about a year he worked with me at the Herald. Shane had a rich mans taste on a poor mans pocket book . He was into candelabras and, mahogany furniture his parents Jess and Marge adopted him when he was just a baby . he was supposedly a product of  a student teacher relationship.His true father was suppose to be a native american and his mother from finland. he had long dark hair and brown eyes he liked his silk shirts and moccasins.He had a heck of a way of talking too.We lived with his mother marge in schofield  at Lake Pointe Apartments on like edge of lake Wausau .We were paying our fair share of the rent. Even though he didn't like my living situation at that time Dad helped me buy a car.I bought a stereo.Shane, and i spent alot of time together in their canoe out on the lake. we would visit  small islands,and watch the wildlife. We partied alot.I remember blowing up condoms,and sending them over their balcony just to watch them pop on the grass.I remember giving countless of hickeys. being wild.On top of it we were doing pot with a guy named pete.Who also worked at the Herald.Shane ,and Pete were of age, but i paid for my fair share of the beer. I ended up a heavy drinker i was sweating the alcohol out through my pores, and i had my life weighing heavily on my mind.I should have been in college I had visited several campuses around the state back in highschool with my artistic talent they pushed me into the direction of being a graphic artist .i  was unwilling to go . I did not want to move away from my family.But if i would have went i don't think i could have avoided moms&dads divorce. He called me up and threatend me with disownment if my presence wasn't there I cried. I just cried and i pleaded with that hardass until i couldn't plead with him anymore.Your going to be there if you like it or not.You're going to see what your mother' s doing  to this family.Against my will He brought helen and i to the court house . And we sat with grandma catherine and watched the whole proceeding.He ended up paying her alimony.Mom stayed with grandma.for awhile she also had rented a couple of rooms elsewhere in the city.She still cleaned for a living .She was also on a security hunt throwing herself at any man that gave her attention .She had poor judgement and let them. Use her and abuse her .She at one time had a drunk for a boyfriend who's roomate beat the crap out of her.I questioned her about her bruises, and she told me that she slipped on a patch of ice.The sickest part of that was that she was cleaning for a widowed man at the time, and she went over to his house for comfort and fucked the same night.She pressed charges ,and soon dropped them. Out of fear that her abuser would come after her.I noticed the change in our relationship. I had become more of a friend then her daughter we drank together. And when i saw her throw herself on another idiot. I would try to pull her away. Sometimes she would try to force my affections on the men she was living with .Saying jenny he's your future father. why don't you give him a hug.The man sexually assulted a seventeen year old girl ,and he had her co sign for a vehicle.In the end he destroyed her cedar chest .The one thing as a child that i adored.No i did not give him a hug. I flat out told her to stop forcing my affections .She ended up taking him to court .Leon was her last scummy boyfriend.He liked to shoplift ,and graffitied all over my grandmothers driveway.She ended up pressing charges and then  dropping them.All of the men she went out with made my dad look like an angel.I ended up  abrupty breaking it off with shane ,and pissed him off. i ended up making out with pete, but deep down they both didn't give a damn about me . I drank myself into a job loss I moved back in with dad.Who had criticised me for hanging out with jerks.He told me that i was just like my mother.And from that day forward i was my mothers daughter.Helen was hurt by moms absence when she need a female figure to look to.Nobody was there. mom didn't like my father favoring her before they split.She would go hunting with him and adored The Green bay Packers.They had alot in common.I still hung around melissa at least until i landed another job.Her boyfriend at that time named Donny  set me up with a job where he worked at Marathon Box a crate company in Wausau.It was June of 1995 It was just before my 21st birthday i was content with it. I  started out as a floater doing all sorts of odd jobs setting up and working with saws ,and drill presses ,and air guns my supevisor was  Chris  schreiner he had an I am all It" attitude. lord knows i tried to stay on top of the stick.He'd tell me to do something and i would already have it done .I tried to be smart ,and witty. You can try to impress people but you get more gratification impressing yourself. I felt bad about being fired from my last job so i put alot of effort into this one.I still liked to drink but my partying had ceased. I was muturing and i was looking to settle down for i had it with the man ,and his so called house .Helen had been working at a local grocery store with Andrea ,and had a boyfriend named Will.Nick named by my grandma as Willie, lump, lump. Quiet and shy He would bring her a Dozen Roses everytime they would fight.Dad accepted him.Not once did i ever hear him tell her that her men were jerks.Their was alot of sex going on at the house when ever dad was gone  for a weekend . A sad memory of that summer was when chipper was put down.All the abuse that he took of my dad kicking him whenever he got in his way. and his physical problems were gone. When Helen had Will take him in. Before he did i just held him and talked to him and cried.Will took him when i was at work one day I returned to an empty house.My release, my comfort,and my friend was gone. He was more then a useless dog he had emotions, feelings. He had a soul. He sought me out for comfort, and protection from my dad.I had accepted that he was in a better place no matter how much it hurt.I met up with both of my husbands while working at the  Box or also known as MBX packaging specialist. I knew my second husband Randy Hafeman before my first .Joe Godfrey.I worked the second shift and I was the only woman working that shift with a dozen men.I started working with Randy a big and tall guy who had  The Family Guys  Peter Griffin looks and Laugh.He was as single as they come.He liked his sports and strip clubs .He lived at home with his parents. i would associate with him at work but never found him appealing.He seemed to be very sensitive man ,and i had a gut feeling that like me women didn't find him attractive.He never made any advances on me. Men did hit on me, and my foreman was a pig.Then Joe walked through the door he was a stocky Blonde he wasn't half bad.But damn i should have been out looking for doctors or lawyers.Not farmers.Like ron i struck up the conversation He came from a farm family in Catawba WI a town so small that in a blink of an eye you'll miss it.his mother and stepdad Bruce&Millie lived in a run down farm house with out decent plumbing.Almost everything was bad their furniture, and floor boards they didn't have any indoor hot water, but they had it in the barn. Millicent had four children Joe and his Sister Tina from her previous marriage to an abusive man  that ill call only as Robert. and then there was her two with Bruce. Joes half brother Bryan ,and Sister Vanessa. Iove was blind.  I overlooked their condition and saw the people.Joe came to town persuing a career as a mechanic at our local Technical College.The classes became too costly and he ended up working odd jobs ,and at the Box.He was living with a family called the Alsteens.They were poor under educated people to me they lived like vagabonds. Only one had an education ,and they moved around all the time. they enjoyed smoking alot.Joe had dated one of their daughters Tara. They took him for his money and only gave him a couch to sleep on.We began a relationship I figured that i could pull him out of the situation. Tara encountered me and told me that i was half the woman she was.As i saw it it was the other way around. Dad thought he was another Jerk. with much coincidence Mom eventually found herself a farmer too. Fred was a Rich old fashioned retired man.He was fifteen years older then her .He had over 180 acres of land five minutes away from grandmas. She was tickled pink that he had all of that property, and a house. they courted for awhile and she moved in with him.and again i heard jenny he's your Future father.They did get married at a small catholic church in Mosinee WI.I credit the man for giving her stability, and treating her good, but he became her main focus.He got the big basket of candy and we got squat.She stopped spending any mother daughter time with me or Helen. She quit her jobs because they were hard on her health.Fred didn't want her to work.He was rich.He use to work at Wausau Homes a modular home manufacturer.He was a childless never married man He squirreled it away like nuts.If it wasn't Willie Lump,Lump. Joe was staying the night at the house.We soon were engaged, and i found out that i was pregnant.At that time cheryl was a momma too.Her grandfather Ralph had passed away,and she was living in Layton with the baby's father Seth. They were Highschool Sweethearts They had two kids.Dad was happier then a lark when I told him that i was pregnant I was clueless at that time when i needed an obstetrician.Mom didn't educate us enough about the importance of seeing a gynecologist or anything like that . She hated having a pap test.Grandma Ringwelski  died from cervical cancer, and I came close to having it myself. I bought books and became my own teacher.Joe and i moved into a tiny one bedroom apartment on the west side I worked my job as usual .like my mom i got married at three months along.Joe and i had a  court commissioner come to our apartment and marry us on Febuary 14th 1997. It fell on a friday.Joe and i, Mom, and Dad,and Fred where there. Helen and Andrea .Joes Aunt and uncle Doug&Diane Lizak,Joes half siblings Bryan and Vanessa Godfrey and some boyfriend of Andreas were present as we celebrated with a small sheet cake, and some non alcoholic wine.The next day we had a dinner and reception for everybody else.my parents paid for the majority of it. Joe and i funded the rest . That was my only wedding where they set their differences aside.We welcomed our first born son Jessie Gene Godfrey Aug 25th 1997. A dream come true.I was finally living my tommorrow.I was a proud momma, and a loving wife.We didn't have much but we were happy.But the bills started flooding in i truly got my slap with civilian reality when it cost over $ 3,000 to have a baby. Especially delivered by a c -section. my parents only paid $15 dollars when i was born, and  for Helen about $25.we were privileged.If only it was that way for everybody.Around here we would have one heck of a population problem.Our bills skyrocketed joe was responsible for paying the rent and the cable. I was recieving paid maternity leave but it was only half of my regular pay which was $900.00. i bought food, diapers ,and formula plus paid the utility bills with that money.We lived without assistance of any kind,but i remember having to borrow a little money from dad at one time, and he lended it to us, but the look on his face said otherwise.I soon returned to work, and paid a sitter joe ,and i worked opposite shifts Id drop jess off, and joe would pick him up.Joe had quit the Box and was working at a Stone Quarry we had health insurance, but it wasn't very good . I found myself hitting the bottle, and the bills weren't being paid, and my alcoholism was ripping my beautiful family apart. I couldn't stand being at home at night with joe. I was being like my dad and needed to unwind. we lived blocks away from two bars my favorite of the two was the Chatterbox Bar it was not too far from  work and was a popular hang out.It was the first bar Melissa took me to.id go there and drink until i was broke .It got to the point where i was pawning my stuff just so i could drink.Joe gave up and stopped paying the rent.We were soon evicted we were homeless for a month. i had concieved our second son .His conception came as a your going to have a baby with me now or we'll never have any relations again threat.We were living with the vagabonds and somehow where surprisingly married. i was grateful to be sober and lord i was strong, Joe ,and Jess and i were sleeping at the Alsteens we had a room to ourselves We were sleeping on a wooden boxspring on the floor we had it layered in blankets.Our stuff was in a storage unit .jessie had his playpen. unfortunately Tara, and her man lived right next door.She didn't give me any grief, but i gave joe grief.You got us into this mess now you're going to get us out. I had too much pride to ask my parents for help ,and truthfully i did not want them to see me living that way. I hung in there for my sons sake.He landed a job on a show farm where housing was included.I was still working at the Box.He would work from sun up to sundown, and i truly became a farmers wife. Id help him clean stalls and lay bedding down , Id milk and feed the cows ,and took care of Jess.His sister Tina and her husband larry came home from Tacoma, Washington. where she had served in the army. for awhile Larry was working with Joe at the stone quarry he too had an alcohol problem.They had two children madison and James.We hung out together alot. like us they too were struggling.I remember Jessie's baby shower, and i had recieved two identical highchairs one from mom, and fred, and the other from two coworkers .Tina had asked me if she could have the second highchair, and mom who became very greedy said to me aren't you going to charge her for it?No mom it was a gift. Was it the one i gave you? she said.No mom it wasn't.Good. she said .That was a moment in her life where she lacked compassion even on occassion in my time of need she lacked compassion. it was all about money. it was his influence over her.Tina was grateful to have that highchair. Their marraige didn't last long Larry  had anxiety attacks, and wouldn't be trust worthy of his wife she told me at one time she came home from working late, and he pinned her down to the bed  by her throat.Because he thought she was cheating on him.On occassion he would hold knives over her. They moved up north to PhillipsWI where he was from, and where their marriage completely unraveled.She'd give him supervised visitation but she would have him cuffed to a wall.He ended up living back at home with his parents.until he hung himself in his parents garage. I remember my brother in law as a handsome man i have only one picture of him.Joe and I got out of the show farm and he returned to the stone quarry his boss Jeff Krukowski gave him his job back he personally told joe if things didn't work out at the show farm .That he could come back.He too had a farm of beef cows, and we stayed rent free at his farm property in exchange for work.Jeff ,and his wife joyce were people of prosperity they lived in a stone house and drove nice vehicles their whole family was into buisness. It was Fall ,of 1998 Joe,Jessie and i had settled into the Knapp farm on the krukowsli property.Jeff ,and joyce had fixed the place up nice it was heated by wood or oil.We had three bedrooms kitchen, dining and living area.We had vehicle,after vehicle mostly junked up cars That you would get at a no credit no problem places. Bills still stayed neglected. They depressed me and i would hide them in a drawer. We paid the electric bill, and the phone bill. We put food into the house ,and prepared the house for our soon to be born son.We had to make sure we were stocked with wood for the winter.Tragedy shook the Family that year when my fathers sister in law my aunt Nancy Felch -Ringwelski Died. She was married to my uncle Dennis.They lived out in Ringle WI and had two children. My cousins Tracy and Tim. Aunt nancy was the life of the party She worked at Wausau Insurance . she liked to have a drink and smoke her cigarettes. she had short brown hair and worn glasses, and loved the Green Bay Packers.She did not drive. She got struck by a drunk driver while trying to walk home from a party.The driver thought he hit a deer ,and got a minor  sentence of seven years.If she wouldn't have been drinking herself that night the sentence would have been more.My uncle was at home when it happend. It is very difficult to explain but someone supposedly her brother was suppose to bring her home that night but didn't.She was probably so impaired to dial a phone so she decided to walk.That was the True uglyness of alcohol, and unfortunately i didn't learn from it .Joe and i welcomed our son Justin Allister Godfrey on March 2nd 1999 He was the easy baby. I had no labor with him. Joe, the Doctor ,and I just picked a date and he was delivered by a c-section He had beautiful tiger like eyes. Hi tiger my dad said when he first held him.He had millies eyes.He weighed a healthy 8 pounds I was happy that he was healthy because i smoked while i was pregnant with him. I was unhappy with my marriage ,and got to the point were i didn't care anymore. Joe didn't care about helping me out around the house or with the baby.He couldn't wait to have sex. fortunately i got fixed.He gave me  two uterine infections.when i as off leave and returned to work i returned to the bar.We started to argue alot, and i was looking for a way out.I would wish that i was  back in Layton,or living somewhere else.instead I met up with another man.Another coworker named Dean a dark haired self centered hard ass .He caught the attention of alot of women with his tight little butt.And he knew how to treat them like crap.Like a fool i dug myself into him and devoured him .Joe became suspicious after the first night when i didn't come home.He never liked me previously mentioning anything about my nights at work or anything about my coworkers He would say why is it always Dean? Why is it always Randy?Thats where i spent most of my time. i only spent an hour a day with him.we were in dire need of help. we needed it a long,long time ago, but never sought it out.It was no more then two weeks and When I confronted him on my affair.It was over all trust was gone.He locked me out of our car. or so he thought he did.He left the keys in the ignition.like mom i packed up the kids and went. and like her i went to the womens shelter.I couldn't stomach it and ended up back at dads. Helen was out on her own at that time, and became a certified nursing assistant. Andrea and her went out to UW Stout in MenomonieWI to pursue an education. I got legal assistance ,and filed for a divorce.I also got childcare assistance.At that time Dad was working at The GreenHeck Fan Co .where they made industrial fans.He felt that he was mistreated by GPI and had quit.GreenHeck was a hard company to get into they favored service people .He had to go through three interviews to get in there. I was fortunate to have dad at that time he took care of us.Even though i was still working at the Box my life was screwed up .I was still an Alcoholic  a worse one then him. I was pissed off at joe about the past especially for The threat he made at justins conception.I got nailed for drunk driving.and joe ended up bailing me out. He said that he wouldn't have done it if i wasn't the mother of his children.I took care of the boys buying them food and clothes.We spent time at grandma catherines, and mom&Freds. The grass that i thought was green on the other side of the fence had turned brown. Dean who at first said he would marry me found me unsuitable,and i would sit countless of nights, and drink.Just drink, and ponder on my life especially the military.I wondered about Ron ,Shaunna ,and christy and i thought about writing a book about my life something that i wanted to do ever since i was fourteen.I gathered up the materials and started. Dad thought it was stupid. Joe and I divorced on july17th2000 .He was living with the alsteens. It was agreed that he would have the boys every other weekend. He would take them to Catawba during those weekends.He shortly remarried and gained stability.During the time that i was at home and writing i was reading up on military brats.Thats where i discovered Mary Edwards Wertsch,and Pat conroy and i could relate to their storys .and i persued more books.  a  preminition had hit me again as i looking for more books.A book called Army Brat a memoir by William Jay Smith. i went and ordered it  through my local Walden bookstore .I had never seen it before ,and i remember the wait but as i was waiting i had another dream. I had dreamt that i seen a book with an A on its cover being packaged up. it was wrapped in newspaper and placed in a large rectangular cardboard box. Days later the box arrived a my door and inside was the exact book wrapped in newspaper.In that dream i can remember clearly watching the individuals handle that book this preminition occured seven years after my grandfather Johns. Three more were soon to follow the  last one i had was massive.I wrote everyday,at home,at work and at bars.it turned from a book into a journal i took on a new job at Fiskar scissors that lead to a layoff.Then I was working two partime jobs one at a factory card outlet store, and one at a local deli. I was still drinking the boys were getting big I had applied for housing assistance and dad and i were butting heads like usual he always told me that i was just like my mother.His angriest moments was when he was drinking.Id run to my room and bawl .one time i told him my secret ,and he went into the bathroom and started heaving. Helen was still in Menomonie .She had her male friends. She was working at a nursing home.And mom was mom still favoring fred .Whenever i  would bring the kids over for a visit she never really got that doteful.My father would tell me that she had never really wanted us.She would have had you thrown out on the street if she could he said. Her pitting fred against him.He pitting himself against her. All their shit no wonder i drank.I would suggest counseling and they would deny that they needed it ,and start pointing fingers.Helen once told me that the reason why see moved away was to get away from that crap.Mostly moms crap. Mom was very good at taking her life out on us, mostly me.She refused to watch the boys because her mother never babysat for her. she would make up excuses then to spend time with me.Because her mother never spent time with her. They were just screaming for help.I was screaming for help. I should have moved to china.I don't believe that they went to any counseling when they got divorced.Joe ,and i did because  at that time it was the law.Dreams were occurring I dreamt another dream about a female Air Force pilot named Kelly Flinn. I dreamt about her book seeing the cover again ,and the color of it's pages then i would go shopping and notice it in the book aisle.Of course i bought the book and read it.it was pretty good.I still couldn't tell you why i was experiencing such things  I consider it god given.That preminition was only a baby.Nothing compared to what i am about to tell you. I was still journaling steady to my fathers dismay. I was still waiting for my housing application to go through.I enjoyed working my two jobs.I had jessie in preschool.I had a friend named jodie a coworker of mine at the deli she too was a divorcee she had a little boy jessie's age named Johnathan they lived in a small apartment on the west side near Marathon park .That park was one of my favorite places to go to while helen and i were young it had a fountain in the center of it.My fourth preminition was  associated to a death of a baby my cousins baby.Mind you that this and my next preminition is going to be very difficult for me to write about.My dads sister my aunt nancy had four children my cousins  Gary,Brenda,George,and Mike. All of them were married Gary(Dara),Brenda(Robert),George(Kelly)and Mike(Collette) All of them had children except Mike,and Collette. she would get pregnant and  mis-carry.This is really hard to write about especially when it comes to family especially Mike and Collette. I could hear her now ripping me a new asshole.She eventually concieved again and carried the baby full term.  I knew his name before he was born . Nobody told me his name.It just came into my thoughts ,and i Shouted out. MAY GOD BLESS NOLAN MICHAEL WILDE.and then i had the dream of seeing a black tombstone with a baby etched into a cloud on it. Then He was born and lived two days, and died .The tombstone was exactly the same to my dream.It had hit me hard, but mostly it had hit us all hard.And the thing is There was no control over it.I wasn't fine afterwards  I journaled it all down and cried.I would wonder what was next.His death had pushed me to the bottle more.I continued to carry about with my life.Dad and i were still neck ,and neck, mom was mom ,Helen was Helen and  the world was the world, and i after an arguement with my dad.I got sick of living in it.He would belittle me to the bone saying that i was an unfit mother.and the lord knows that I loved my kids to pieces. I was still hanging out with Dean even though he treated me like shit.And i remember asking god for a change ,and a change i(we) got.Sept 2001 I don't have no date for this premonition.A ll i remember was going to bed.I remember This preminition very clearly it had changed the whole world.I remember the nightmare as if it were yesterday.I remember seeing the nose of a plane penetrating a wall of a building and i was yelling Stop!I saw papers flying and a woman running for her life.Then i saw the nose of another plane penetrate a second building and again i yelled STOP! and then as what it seemed to be in a blink of an eye I was on a third plane as passengers were fighting armed men as they took over the plane. I remember looking out the planes cockpit window as it was headed down torwards a greenish field.I remember the trees on the right hand side in another blink i was in a foreign country with a dark haired man man who had a white wrap around his head he had a beard and a white robe.He brushed shoulders with me and told me he wanted to get equal with america he shown me to a stone cave and took me inside where he had weapons, and then in a blink of an eye i was on an air field that was being bombed and i noticed the jets in the sky, and i hollered GET ME OUT OF HERE!. I was then looking at posted pictures of people everywhere and thought to myself what is this? and in a blink of an eye i was flying in mid air towards two tall flaming buildings with satans head above them. and i shouted at him IN THE NAME OF GOD I COMMAND YOU TO GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME! and then it was over.I woke up and brushed it off .I didn't jot it down until after the attacks.I just carried on ith my life until that september morning. I remember watching the news with my dad watching the planes hit the world trade center ,and hearing him say that this was the beginning of world war three. he was totally in disbelief, i was in disbelief, i really couldn't believe that it was happening. ut i watched my whole nightmare become a reality. our reality.The images and story of flight 93 hit me really hard since i remembered being on that plane in my dream.I felt like why wasn't i physically there? why wasn't i in those towers?I never knew that those towers exsisted until that day. I have never been to New York, and the only thing that i associated to New York was the Statue of liberty more images popped up on the television i remembered working at the deli that night and seeing the image of a stone cave on the restraunts television sets. I seen the blown up Air field too. and his image was everywhere. and it haunted me. i could remember reading an article in the herald about an amish man who swore he seen the devils head above the flames. But that night i asked my manager if she wouldn't mind me attending church she let me go .i haven't seen so much unity in my life. . i seen the panic at the pumps. as i went home that night  every gas station was full.I jotted my nightmare down and all my feelings linked to the attacks. mostly the unfairness of it all . i came home and went to the Chatterbox bar.Awhile back i stumbled upon an article about a private library in Ney York  called The Parapsycology Foundation. and i called them and told a man there named Carlos Alvarado about my dream, and i told him that i felt like i wanted a polygraph and he said that polygraphs don't work with dreams. He said as long as you believe you had it.It's true. He took all four  volumes of my journals. In which i titled Ron The Moosefighter and the Aurora Angel.I remember the patriotism the girls and i were making red, white, and blue antenna toppers at the Factory Card Outlet I remember flags everywhere And of course the music.My cousin Tracy got married and the attacks were struck up into a coversation and i tried to tell them about the dream i had and they looked at me in disbelief. It s something that my father and my sister didn't like me talking about they tought i was nuts.Mom who believes in me says its water over the dam. let it go Jenny. let it go.It was etched into my soul it affected the whole world and it affected me with the 9/11 dream.I had to tell myself that i just didn't dream up Bin Laden and then he appeared out of thin air .He had a mother.They all had mothers. they planned it all out.My heart went out to all of the people who died and their families and children especially when it came to the holidays .i felt the unfairness the why am i still here? while all of those innocent lives were lost . I wondered why i wasn't physically placed in either one of those towers or on that plane.and the strong feeling that i wasn't alone as Like as if there was a presence with me while i was watching the images pop up on the deli's television screen.I do believe in god and i  do believe that he is the creator of all things seen and unseen.I knew that i didn't conjure the dream up  by myself. i feel that We have no control over our dreams.Especially preminitions.thoughts of suicide would come across my mind but i remained strong. my boys and my family needed me.I was drinking heavily after the attacks constantly wondering Why?I had to myself two pitchers a night and i drank alone.I was soaking it up like a sponge. at a time a person would notice me and come up to me and say to me Don't you know how bad that looks?I told them that i did not care.Randy drank with me once in awhile I had a new hang out. things went sour at the chatterbox where the bartenders got angry with me for playing the jukebox.Id play black betty alot because i liked it i never fully realized what the song meant.My drinking empowered me to leave the boys home alone whenever my dad was gone. Jessie was four ,and justin was two. I would just put them to bed and leave.The bartenders caught onto me .I was always drinking on egg shells whenever i left the boys alone. and i felt bad about it, but just didn't care. I had nobody to talk to.because the only friend i had jodie took advantage of me by having me baby sit for her, but wouldn't return the favor. I should  have had  my kids ripped right out of my hands.I remember a bartender fondling a female patron at the bar.Another bartender at one time said i had  cobwebs in my crotch to another patron.Then they told me to get a life .I walked out their door to a bar stool at an East side night club called breakaway.The bartenders were decent and respectful .I had gained housing assistance in 2003 .The boys and i had a three bedroom duplex i bought new furniture at a local liquidator store. Helen and dad were pissed because i did that. I was suppose to take his old stuff.but i didn't want anything connected to him or that house.Dean was still in my life he had a one room apartment on the west side.i still loved him.he reminded me of Ron. His  hair was like silk and he looked great in denim whenever we were together i felt a roaring fire within. my sister called him frankenstein Dean was born without a collar bone so his head leaned to one side he had many ailments, and a rough past that i overlooked love was blind. I bought him a truck.I d never knew when i would walk through his door and find a different woman with him.He had good excuses and looked pathetic when i found my next boyfriend. though i haven't met Jim yet i was a lonely girl not once did Dean ever visit me.I was still drinking hard and leaving the boys home alone my neighbor took notice and i would tell her that a neighbor girl was watching them.i felt bad about lying but i didn't care.the alcohol had a hold on me and i craved it .It soothed my pain. I remember  calling Shaunna after the attacks and told her about my dream and she ended up writing me a letter. saying that i was apart of an occult.I remember watching Kiefer Sutherlands series 24 ,  and wondered Why? espcially after watching the first episode of season one.I missed my dog,and my former life,and my preminition weighed heavily on my mind.I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.Mom's and freds church our saviors parish had an annual polish festival every year they had volunteered as bartenders.I came to see them and done a lap around the rec center where it was held and as soon as i returned to the bar there was Jim mom had struck up a conversation with him and told him about me.I said hi and we had a short conversation but all the while that we were talking i had a thought.What is this man going to do to me? He left the bar and i told mom not to give him my address or phone number.she ended up doing the total opposite.The next day he called me. I was happy at first he was a divorcee a father of two older children named Brandon, and Kayla. He was a homeowner he lived in Mosinee.He divorced his wife because she abused their daughter, and because she was a hoarder. He came over to my duplex and we ended up having sex. the next thing i  found myself moving  in with him.Dad did not like the idea at all especially when it came to the boys and schooling i was determined to straighten up my act and to never leave my children home alone again.I was starting a new life .The most pathetic thing with dean was when i told him that i was seeing someone else. we had just happend to bump into each other at the breakaway  ,and I told him about jim. he then started circling around the bar to every single woman that he seen. asking for a piece of ass.And one by one he was turned down and then he came back to me and hounded me just one last time please...I gave in.The life i lived ,and the life i was going to start slightly changed me .Jim who  enjoyed his beer and could drink like a horse. he  was a wild man. and he liked lots and lots of sex, enough to the point to where i considered him a pervert, and he was very judgemental.He took care of his house and liked to cook but he had many women before me.He was like a woman dispenser .He would have them live with him for a while, and then kick them out. i was only one out of the numbers.I stepped into that relationship because i saw a potential future but i was blind he gave me a picture of him and his kids and i would look at it and just visualize a new family.At first he was good to me id help him with the house, and we planted a garden we spent quality time with the kids .He did lots of cooking, and the boys enjoyed every ounce of it and started calling him dad jim.they enjoyed him so much that they would cry if they had to go with joe.I put my every waking ounce into that man.I treated his kids like they were my own.things got bad when he started comparing me to his ex wife .no matter how it was related i was just like Laura.I would stand up to him and hold my ground.We would often go out to local bars one in particular a bar called PJs Kastle. he could play a very good game of pool i enjoyed watching him.I liked my music .i had learned to just sit back and let other people play it.i still pondered alot and worried less. that shoe hadn't dropped on my head .I enjoyed Karaoke and bar friends. I got hammered up quite a bit .In the meantime i was working there locally, and my grandma catherine came down with altimers.It was hard. especially watching her deteriorate. Her's and grandpas house was put up for sale. .she longed for her home ,and a job just to prove that she could still be independant.she was feisty and escaped the nursing home twice. while doing the littlest thing like hanging my laundry up on the line i would think of her.and her longing to be useful.Her longing for her former life.it changed me significantly I was grateful to have my mind, and  to be self sufficent I was grateful to be taking care of my  family.Jim started to be controlling of me especially when it came to me eating. I wasn't no junkie but if i wanted telling me that i looked like Rosanne Bar, and he was trying to pit the boys against me.  i was suppose to eat when he ate.I fought that one too. It came to the point where I thought he was  a jerk .I found myself drinking more and would go on occassion  to the bar by myself  . i would tell him plain and simple that needed to unwind. surprisingly dad enjoyed it out there when ever he would come to visit .He would say that it was  more peaceful then Wausau.He gradually took a liking to jim.As time progressed jim Reconnected with a former flame who had dumped him in the past. He first introduced us at the bar ,and considered her only as a friend. The next time he brought her home which i also considered as  my home .she was sleeping in my bed it was the biggest stand off of my life. A couple of bar friends came along with me  and we turned the light on them and called the cops.they told me that he had twenty four hours to get her out of that house to me twentyfour hours was an  eternity. i wanted her out now. i was damned to be treated like a dog.My bar friends got me out of the house so i could cool my head. they drove me to a friends of their's.Then they asked me what i was going to do? i told them to take me back to home. are you sure? they said i said yes. i told them i was going to go to my dads. they pulled up into the driveway i got out of the car ,and watched them leave . Then i headed into the house and turned on the litchen light .they were sleeping . my heart was  racing,  and i grabbed her keys off of the kitchen counter and destroyed their cigarettes. the man had  a freshly mopped floor so i dumped the kitchen garbage on it.Jim sprung up out of bed and caught me he grabbed me by the arm and shoved me out the door .I then took his outdoor trash bins and strung the trash all over his driveway .then i jumped into my car and headed to dads,my father was out of town at that time.I got to  Dads and hopped on the phone calling ,and calling jims house .she answered one time and  was like Jim who? she hung up, and i called again this time he answered the phone I told him that i refused to be treated like shit. I fought for my respect .I fought for my children, i didn't make my disposal easy and i called him a homewrecker,and i wanted to sleep in my bed.He agreed to take her home.i went back to his(our) house. i found her sitting on the edge of our bed and i told her that their was no way she could fill my shoes, or deal with the crap that i delt with especially with him.He then took her home. I changed the sheets and went to bed.We shared that bed for a solid month. if he tried to lay a finger on me. I would tell him That i wasn't his little fucking whore. We came to an agreement . That i would stay there until i found an apartment.I remember after that night how i felt the next day like an empty shell of a woman after having my affair on joe i had finally got a dose of my own medicine.Joe held the divorce against me and he had the right to.I took his family away .It had become water over the dam. during that time i wrote to Kiefer sutherlands fan mail seeking an autograph i wrote him a letter describing my 9/11 preminition ,and he sent me his autograph.I remember getting drunk and i remember getting manic.It was the summer of 2005 .I remember getting drunk one night and i drank myself into a stupor.I  had the radio on in (our) room and i was moseying around in my cedar chest .While I was listening to the radio a commerical came on about bipolar awareness , and i was like that will never be me. Never.The boys and i soon moved into a two bedroom apartment.Everything was fine for two weeks but i started to feel something creep upon me.I felt overly joyous i felt like an extreme ball of energy ,and i slept and ate very little.I got to the point where i was thinking that there was going to be a birth of a new world and that in this world we wern't in the need of any possessions .On that day the first  day of my illness my father called me and said that there was a funeral. and that id be there or be disowned.Mom and fred stopped in,and noticed that there was something  wrong. But didn't do anything about it.I remember holding a broom in my hand and watch it twirl like as if it was moving by an unseen force a godly force.I was so taken by whatever was happening to me and by what my dad had said  that i felt the need to pack up my possessions ,and take them to the  church where the funeral was held i packed everything that i could including Kiefers autograph, my plants , half aten food, and my goldfish.The kids were sqooshed in the car.Somehow i managed to drive i felt that what i was doing was like a push to help this new world to be born.As soon as i arrived at the church i brought out my broom and, acted like moses and his staff .i felt the so called force run through it and in front of at least thirty people it so called began to swing. and as i had my eyes closed i thought i heard bodies drop and then get filled with life again. when it was over i hurried and unpacked my car.my family gathered around me and asked me if i was alright. i had to answer ALOT of questions.I told them again about my preminition. somehow it was tied in.Dad asked me about Jim? i told him that he was  home ,and alright He thought i killed him. The cops were there.Dad and his sister my aunt Bettyjane drove me to the health care center as known as the crisis center.Nut ward. i signed myself in and they wand me and done a physical examination . I didn't like knowing that i was there and tried to fight it.I grabbed a broom and came after staff.They tried to tell me that they were only trying to help me. I ended up being strapped down to a bed in a holding room And i listened to nothing but the sound of my own voice.I thought i was in hell .I thought that i was alone in the core of the earth.When i calmed down they moved me into a regular room . The next day i seen a doctor,and i was in disbelief with the diagnosis.And had a hard time accepting it .but i took their pills.i spent a solid week there. i cried my way out. I was missing my kids, and my bar friends. during my stay there dad had moved all of my stuff out of my apartment.He thought id be there for months.I had him move me back in again i had hooked up my computer ,and looked the word abundance in the windows encyclopedia.with my 9/11 preminition, and how i felt about it at that time. i felt like i cheated death i felt like an abundant life.I found an image of a roman goddess named Fortuna the goddess of abundant life, and printed it off . The next day I took the image to a local tattoo parlor ,and got my first tattoo.I  then went and had me a nights worth of drinking The mania was still with me. i left the bar early and went to a local gas station to get a six pack of beer, and i sat at home on my balcony and drank.I got delusional and started seeing satans story unfold in the clouds.Then again i thought about the new world and found myself throwing my stuff out i just chucked it over my balcony.An upstairs tenant notified the land lord ,and he called my dad.My father came over and we cleaned up the mess i felt driven to get rid of it.My father made a mistake and left me home alone that night. I knew where i was headed. so i decided to skip town. i sneaked out my remainiing possessions and tossed them into a dumpster, and when i was done hauling them out i went.and drove to Appleton WI.I headed toward the Fox River Mall.I arrived there around 7:45 am. I sat in the mall parking lot and waited for it to open i was dressed in my pajama top a pair of jeans, and tennis shoes with no socks.I waited for awhile until i got bored ,and i started driving around appleton i had the need to toss more stuff out ,and to run my car out of gas.So i chucked my purse, and i chucked my shoes out the drivers side window. i thought to myself what in the jenkins did i just do. i needed my shoes so i went back for them. i needed them to get into the mall. fortunately i found them.My purse was history .I then coasted into the mall on fumes. i stayed there all day walking laps not thinking about anything happening at home.The boys were with Joe.I wasn,t thinking about my dad,i wasn't thinking about my mom i wasn't thinking about nobody .Only myself.Not getting so called detained.I walked that mall and surprisingly managed to obtain three cell phones From a local phone vendor.I didn't know what i was going to do.I knew eventually i could not run anymore ,and that i had to face dad. I was going to use one of those phones to call him just let him know where i was at, and that i was okay.but i didn't.I walked that mall into the after hours i envisioned it being turned into rubble.I envisioned it then being sucked into the sky.The cleaning staff thought i was there waiting for somebody and soon they left. I set some balloons free .I helped myself to an icee. and i started another lap i walked right past security and got caught.The security asked me who i was,and why i was there i remained calm ,and answered their questions .I told them that i was bipolar and that i was from mosinee .They called a local hospital but all of their beds were full i thought to myself yes! and then i mentioned to them my dad.and they called him. Dad and my aunt Maryann came to pick me up.he told me that he could not sleep worrying about me .we got back to the health care center and like in appleton all there beds were full . they told us to come back in the morning.we went to the house ,and i slept very little. i lost my fight.The next day i signed myself back in and spent two more weeks there i was the bad girl on the unit i shredded magazines and flushed them down toilets i busted up my glasses and my false teeth, and flushed them .i was still in the so called new world train of thought and i wrote kiefer sutherland a bunch of letters i asked him to get me out of there, i and   crochet him a so called scarf.I as expecting him and the president to show up at any moment but they never did.My doctor questioned me on it. He was like why does it have to be Kiefer Sutherland? and i told him about my preminition , and the letter i wrote.I liked Kiefer i wrote to him a manic letter about my tattoo and sent him a picture of me. i complied with their programs and activitiys and slowly i got better, and  realized what i had done to kiefer and felt  terrible . I was water over the dam.I never thought about my dad or my mom, but they came to visit me i then apologized for putting them trough hell. I accpted the fact that i was truly Bipolar and was soon discharged during that time i signed up for Drug and alcohol assesment it was a three week program. it did not work. Helen  was pregnant with my  nephew she settled down with a man named Greg in Menomonie. The boys and i moved back in with dad he pushed me back into my job and into taking care of the kids what i really needed to do was gather myself self up . I was working at a local shoe and sports outlet called Eastbay where they done catalog sales I was a call center operator the job was stressful ,and they kept pushing you to the next level it came to the point where i started feeling suicidal.I was selling Jordan shoes, and phat pharm ,and baby phat. i would ask myself why? why was i so darn poor while others were so rich? Why was i sitting there only making seven dollars per hour selling their expensive shoes? I wanted to take a phone cord and strangle myself . i  ended up walking off of my job.I told my doctor about the depression and he also put me on an anti depressant.He told me that i should keep my life simple and apply for social security disability.He also told me that depression was very hard to treat with people with bipolar disorder.I got to be friends with jim again i forgave him for fucking around on me because it was what my mother would call a christian thing to do.He told me about his ,and teresas relationship how she only lasted for five months compared to my eighteen she fucked around on him ,ripped shirts off of his back, and cursed at him, and sent him to the health care center.He was like jenny you were never like that I am sorry.We had some good drunks and dad became concerned about me.But I did not care i would just go home, and take on his heat.The alcohol and the Anti depressant Shot me through the roof into the worst manic episode  of my life.I remember at tthat time how one night i would be able to sleep and the next night would be less.  the night after that even more until the mania became full blown. prior to that my father told me that if i would go back to jim that he wouldn't have anything to do with me anymore where was jim while you were in the hospita?. where were your so called bar friends?I told him that i didn't know.he mimicked me I don't know dad ! i don't know .he was trying to get me to open my eyes.I longed for jim especially during those sleepless nights .I found myself throwing out my possessions again fortunately dad caught me. i was talking fast, and again i was like a ball of energy my appetite was gone i remember going to bed one night and i got up and grabbed all of his beer out of the fridge, and took it downstairs to the utiliy sink and dumped it out. i then replaced the empty cans back into the fridge.i thought that i was going to wake up the next morning and find him sober. It was going to be a new world.my mania got so bad where i was sceaming for a tranquilizer. i was running around naked at the house in front of him i scared my children and told him to take me to the hospital he managed to get me to clam down I got dressed and we went .the boys stayed at home with my aunt maryann . as i signed myself in  i was talking out of my head about the new world ,and how we didn't need anything no glasses, no clothes, no nothing as soon as i was screened i stripped down and ran around the unit naked .Again i found myself in the holding room i grabbed a mattress off of the floor and rode it around like as if it were a horse i had the Big And Rich song in my head Save a horse ride a cowboy.I was in there for a long length of time , it got to the point where i was drinking my own urine. i then fell asleep . when i awoke a member of the staff came to the door and offered me my pajamas.I felt terrible i accepted the fact that i had no control over what i done and apologized to my dad .I spent two weeks there.I decided to quit the alcohol, and was taken off that anti depressant and started to educate myself on my illness.I did ask my doctor if it was the alcohol that caused the illness, and he told me no. He said it only makes it worse.I made the move to change my life and  gained sobriety.But it wasn't easy especially when you had to come home to someone who drank .Helen had her baby named Nicholas.Dad and i drove to menomonie to see them .Dad pushed me into work and i filed for SSI disability ,I got turned down.I had appealed and got legal assistance from the state for an attorney. i remember going to the bar and drinking soda.People were like whats wrong with you? and I would tell them but the nails wouldn't go far into their heads. cigarettes started tasting bad. so i quit smoking. The bar made me sick . i was at loss of friends i spent alot of quality time with the kids. people felt sorry for us because  we were poor.Then i just wondered about Randy and sent him a christmas card.It was december of 2005 i Asked him out on a date we went to see the movie The Pursuit of happiness.starring Will Smith.I wanted to go to it because i read the book.I gave him a gift. A simple flashlight set.A new life began, and He drank very little alcohol.We recapped the years, talking about the Box, and our lifes changes he stopped going to the strip joints and like me was living at home. There was a ten year age difference .i was 31 and he was 41.Dad welcomed him into his home ,And i was welcome at the Hafemans.Randy got involved with me and the kids, and would go to their school functions. We would go bowling alot.He was just right.He never treated me bad. He was there when i became ill again the man shown me lots of love and loyalty ,he cared about me greatly.I held odd jobs working as a hotel clerk, and as taxi driver they both fizzled.I found cab driving to be a rotten job dealing with my bosses and drunks,and  the strippers. I felt sorry for those girls they came from terrible lives. i became manic again i found myself standing over a load of scaulding hot whites, and i fished all of the clothes out of the hot water with my bare hand just to so call ease my moms pain.The pain that her parents put on her. I remember being manic at that time and taking Jessie to a doctors appointment.That was interesting. I sat there and listened to the doctor ,but had a hard time making a simple decision about putting jessie on a anger controlling drug called Resperidone.I shouldn't have been out on the road with him in the car I was putting everyones lives at risk. I dropped him off at school and went home.when i got there i was parading around in my pajamas wearing a tennis shoe on one foot and a slipper on the other. i was gone i was basing my life on pens if i used one my life would be good if i used the other my life would be bad ,and then id write with the one that i thought was good and the pen would automatically turn bad. I was in a strange wonderland. Mom  and fred stopped in and didn't take me to the hospital i told them that dad would. I had my medications adjusted again ,and my SSI disability case was still pending.He pushed me to work and not to use my illness as a crutch. I never did. I wanted a life especially away from him. randy was my support I landed a job at a local cheese factory, and  from the beginning i let them know that i was bipolar.It was a tough job, but it was a job they kept pushing you to be faster and it made me wonder if they wanted human beings or machines .I wasn't fast enough for them and  i became locked within my mind. I was supporting my family but i longed for something more I thought about my journals and preminitions my illness .and Why. I thought about never being able to see my friends again. i thought about my fear of flying. And Ron somewhere in the world. How everyone just dissapeared into the shadows.where was carl? what was he doing?Gone they were all gone, and if i would meet up with them how would i reconize them. would they be real or would they be fake.They were just apart of my past .And i thought about my family there was nothing that i could do to change them.I changed. I worked with a former Box co worker whom i use to like to drink with.   during break she would brag about the lush i use to be, and how much fun i use to be. Another said that she could drink me under the table .I had learnt not to let my coworkers get to me .I didn't miss the Alcohol but at times especially during the holidays it would get tempting especially watching Helen and dad drink. It was hard watching them id wish that they too would stop.Id remember my father telling me at one time in my life that i was suppose to pave the way for helen. I was trying to. I wished for her sons sake that she would quit.Heaven forbid that i tell him to especially when he would turn into a monster.I would deal wth them and listen to them try and run my life , I wanted to run but i  had nowhere to go.I stayed for my children .I stayed and waited for randy to clear all of his debt problems ,and to pay off his truck.I stayed because i didn't want to live alone in case another manic episode came on.My docter put me on another drug called seroquel. I was granted SSI disability, but since i worked it zeroed it out. after being on that drug for a month i was in the hospital again the mania crept up on me at work i became a ball of energy.I lost my appetite i was speaking fast, and i became delusional.I notified my foreman .And Randy took me to the hospital  that night i got no rest.you could not sleep there.I felt better but I made a mistake and signed myself out early. Randy took me back home. I was out for a couple of days then things started to happen.The lights became bright, and things seemed to be moving on their own it came to the point where i thought i was possessed and i went to see my priest. He told me that i wasn't possessed .Dad took me back to the hospital they were not sure if they would take me but i pleaded for help, but your not harming yourself or others they said were not sure we can sign you in.I put up a fight. I acted like a possessed person i was thinking about my job,I was thinking about my life.They wanted me to go home and ride it out. when the woman wanded me she said that it would get th e demons out of me.i turned to her and said how dare you say that.during my stay there i thought i died,went into purgatory,and into the after life .you could have just imagined it again i became the bad girl of the unit. i was eating soap and putting it into my eyes, i knocked over a full mop bucket because i thought the place needed to be cleaned. i was waiting for waterfalls to spring out of the walls.I was taken off the seroquel then i was fine that was my last manic episode. Randy .and mom and dad came and visited me almost on a daily basis. eventually Grandma died .i lost my job and ended up filing  a complaint against my company it was accepted,and i gained back pay, my SSI was reinstated. Randy and i got married on July 16th 2011. I am grateful to have him in my life. I am blessed. i ve got five years of sobriety under my belt and have been out of the hospital for three years.I have found my calling as a mom, and a wife, and a writer. I got through the alcholic times even though i felt i was drowning. I still miss my childhood friends and the traveling that my family did.I am proud of my father and his choice of career.I am proud of all service men, and women ,and those who have had served. i am grateful for the freedom.I am a supporter of the Flight93 National Memorial ,and the 9/11 Memorial Museum My heart goes out to all of the friends ,and families ,and children ,and the victims ,and the survivors.my message to you is that i am truthful.i strongly feel that there is something more out there. Something that we don't understand .I feel for all of the patients who have been or are hospitalized my heart goes out to you because it interrupts your life.please stick with your aftercare plan,nor hop behind a wheel of a car.Try to write about  your life it don't hurt.and most of all love yourself .Writing about my bipolar illness wasn't easy it was the hardest part of this book.But i got through it.I am a pillar of strength.