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Wisdom

One of my favorite authors and speakers is 20-year veteran psychologist, M.Div. and Ph.D. John Ortberg. His books are everywhere, and one of them is “Everybody’s Normal Till You Get to Know Them.”

I’ve heard dozens of his lectures on all kinds of subjects. As a Counselor, he’s heard it all, from drug, alcohol and sex addicts, to sadistic, abusive singles or married couples. Through humor, stacks of statistics and common (now exceedingly less common) sense, John helps people lost in their home-made maze of fear, loneliness and desperation.

He works with people looking for something, anything, to get past their addictions, or their co-dependency on others as lost as they are.

Leveraging Q&A, examples and careful listening, John helps guide those looking for some kind of dignity, joy, peace and that downgraded term no one feels strong enough to use anymore: happiness, which at the release of this book has now been fully replaced in the media and our colloquial with excited.

John gave an excellent talk about sex a few years back and for me, it all came down to this:

“You think you can separate your heart
from your body – but you can’t.”

It always starts simple, fun, playful. Then when it ends, no matter who ends it, it still hurts. A part of you gets nailed – and not in a good way. A piece of your heart, or soul, or whatever term you use for it, gets broken. That person takes a part of you with them – like it or not – believe it or not; and it takes time to get your head together, to refocus.

If it didn’t hurt to end your last encounter, sexual or not, then it wasn’t real (unselfish, uplifting Love, or even genuine emotional attachment) to begin with.

Some men (and women) still believe the best way to get over a woman is to “get under another one” right away. I disagree, at least in the short term. That’s because you’re not complete. Your ego and pride will make you think you are, but it’s a lie. That’s your body talking, your selfish needs, your insecurity, and it’s not true.

Even some “dating experts” will tell you to get out there and “date” multiple people at the same time. But how can you keep track of more than one woman at a time – and devote yourself to just one – when you’re partially involved with several at the same time?

I know guys who can “pick up” and connect with strange women very quickly. They have the looks, the words, the eye contact. Too many women fall for this, quickly and without thinking, often because they’re lonely, and/or desperate.

        "Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place ..."
			                - Billy Crystal (and Seinfeld)

Remember: women follow their hearts in the moment, or they follow what their eyes, or their passions speak to them. They just fall – and it feels like “Love” to them.

But a few weeks or months, or even years later after the sometimes angry, always toxic breakup, they move on. They see their former man flirting with everything that walks, always trying to prove himself, and never committing to anything long-term.

And the man? When she’s gone, he’s at it again – out for the conquest, the novelty, the short-term kicks that always leave him right where he started:

Alone

I know because I’ve seen too many men do this. Unwittingly, in my 20s, I was often the one who ended the involvement. But I always felt like I needed to stop and take time off to heal my heart, brain, etc., before starting anything new. I needed time to get myself back, in one piece, before getting involved again.

It’s not about changing yourself for each woman – to meet her expectations. It’s about knowing how you’re perceived by at least most women, then learning and growing within yourself to become more in tune with the essence of truth, dignity and Love itself. That essence is often buried deep inside, under your own fear, insecurity, and negative messages you’ve heard throughout your life.

The Chemistry of:
Chemistry

The biggest sex organ is - the brain. Ever notice how hard it is to connect with a new woman when you’ve just broken up? That’s because you’re still Chemically Attached to your last partner. Even guys who think they’re tough “bad boys” (who often go home alone at night) can fake it for a while. But in the early stages, they come across as awkward, off, incomplete – and women sense this. They see it a mile away, and they will run from you, as they should.

Here’s an article that backs this up. Now, whether or not you believe in any sort of Love, God, evil, etc., there’s some undeniably useful, scientifically proven points here:
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Science Proves Premarital Sex Rewires the Brain

By
JEREMY WILES / Conquerseries.com
There’s a reason why breaking up from a sexual relationship is much more emotionally painful and much harder to forget than one that didn’t involve sex. There are several neurochemical processes that occur during sex, which are the glue to human bonding.

Sex is a powerful brain stimulant. When someone is involved sexually, it makes him or her want to repeat that act. Their brain produces lots of dopamine – a powerful chemical, which is compared to heroin on the brain. Dopamine is your internal pleasure/reward system. When dopamine is involved, it changes how we remember.

The other part is oxytocin, which is designed to mainly help us forget what is painful. Oxytocin is a hormone produced primarily in women’s bodies. When a woman has a child and she is breastfeeding, she produces lots of oxytocin, which bonds her to her child. For this reason, mothers will die for their children, because they’ve become emotionally bonded due to the oxytocin released when they’re skin-to-skin with their offspring.

The same phenomenon occurs when a woman is intimate with a man. Oxytocin is released, and this makes her bond to him emotionally. Have you wondered sometimes why a woman will stay with a man who’s abusing her? We now know that it’s because she bonded to him emotionally - because of the oxytocin released during sex.

Men produce vasopressin, which is also referred to as the “monogamy hormone,” and it has the same effect as oxytocin has on a woman. It bonds a man to a woman.

These “bonding” agents narrow our selection to one person. That is wonderful in a marriage relationship but really bad in a dating relationship because you lose your objectivity when you’re searching for your potential lifemate.

Impaired Judgment

According to neuropsychologist Dr. Tim Jennings, “When you have premarital sex, your reward circuitry is bonded to them [that person] now, and it will be much deeper and hurtful [to leave them]. Oftentimes, in breakups of people who’ve been sexually active, they can’t tolerate the sense of emptiness, so they rush into another relationship. The neuro circuits did not have time to reset, and so they’re impaired in their ability to bond with the next person, and they may become sexually active with them. This is just a repetitive cycle, and there are real impairments in bonding going on.”

Becoming Bonded with Pornography

These same neurochemicals are present when viewing pornography. A man will become bonded with whatever he is engaged in during the moment these chemicals are released. When your relationship is being carried on with an image, you become bonded to whatever you’re viewing.

Dr. Doug Weiss, a marriage counselor, advises men to have eye contact with their wives during sex because they become bonded with that person. By doing this, he explains that over time, individuals will decrease the “neural pathway to pornography and sexually inappropriate thoughts and beliefs, and glue to healthy sexuality with [their] wife. When your brain thinks sex, it thinks, ‘Where’s my wife?’ And that is a great way to fight this battle."

Discovering how our minds were designed to operate by a Creator reveals truth in the way we are to live.

For someone viewing pornography, one of the functions of oxytocin is to separate the experience and the excitement from the intensity of the shame. [Author’s note: I’ve never understood the porn thing. Why watch someone else having sex? If you’ve seen it once, you've seen it, right?] According to neuropsychologist Dr. Jes Montgomery, “Usually by the time they turn the computer off, they are already sinking into a sense of failure and shame, and the function of oxytocin is to tell the brain, 'Wait a minute. You don’t want to remember that. You want to hold on to this excitement and this amazing magic that you just experienced.'”

Knowing how these neurochemicals interact and change the brain help us understand why sex is meant to be kept within the boundaries of marriage. You see the overtones here about God’s design for His pure temple [a.k.a. your body]. This is another reason why the devil attacks our sexuality so much—because in attacking human sexuality, it actually interferes with human bonding.

So, for those practicing sex outside of marriage, they are creating a bond with their partner, thus inhibiting their discernment of whether they should remain in that relationship. God wired and designed our brains for a specific purpose: to bond ourselves with the person we marry.

Jeremy Wiles is the executive producer and director of the Conquer series. Visit www.conquerseries.com.

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Thanks to Jeremy Wiles for this. This one hit home for me. I’ve seen a dozen well-meaning couples, some who call themselves Christian and some who don’t, swear they will put off sex until they’re engaged or married. Then they meet someone and after a few months, all that intention disappears, and they drag on for 5-6 years without commitment. They seem contented, but most of the time, they wake up alone – and still live alone – or live together but remain uncommitted. Sound like a good idea? If you asked any of these women beforehand if that was the situation they wanted to be in the rest of their life, or even 2-3 years, the vast majority would say no, yet there they are.

By nature, when a man is sexually satisfied, he has very little reason to get married. Why surrender his freedom and independence?
Yes, we all like sex. Can you enjoy it fully, without letting it dominate your life? Without letting it decide whom you end up with, or making it your God?

Conquest?