Author: Mary Lynn Plaisance

The Book of Pilar Grace

Pilar made it back in time to catch the school bus to go home. No one asked where they were or noticed they were gone, but Becky knew they couldn’t do this often or they would get caught for sure.
	“I’ll see you Monday. I’m not taking the bus home. I feel like walking back home through the trees. It felt good skipping school and having a little birthday party at my home with you. We’ll talk more Monday.”
	“I like talking to you too, Becky. You listen to me when I talk, without laughing at me. Well, you laughed at me only once… but… thanks.”
	“Well, you threw me some pretty surprising questions today, but that’s good. That’s not bad at all.  I like taking about sex,” she laughed out loud.
	Pilar grinned. “Yeah. You need to tell me everything you know about that on Monday.” Shaking her head and grinning at Becky, she went home knowing more about this thing called sex than when she went to school. She heard other girls say the word, but she wondered… ‘if not wanting sex with a man is called rape and it’s against the law, then why some girls talk about having sex?’ 
	She made up her mind that somehow, she was going to find a book on that subject and learn everything she needed to know about sex. On the bus, she remembered that she had seen one article about early teen sex in her magazines that she stashed under her bed. Dill didn’t clean her room. If she noticed that she owned too many things, Dill would throw her things away. She was going to read that again, now that Becky told her more about the subject.

	Mr. Rigs stopped the school bus at her house. Jack was on the deck of the trawl boat. She quickly ran into the house, not even looking at him. Dill was cooking supper. 
	In her bedroom, she took her black book out of her school sack and put it inside of her composition book. It looked like she was doing homework, but she needed to write down some of what she experienced with Becky.
	Dear Black Book,
	Today is my birthday. February 14, 2013. I’m finally a teenager. I’m 13. I learned about sex at Becky’s house. We skipped out of school and it felt good to go against a rule for a change. I’m not a rule breaker, but it felt different. Anyway, Becky told me everything but there’s more I need to know. She gave me a red shiny heart locket, but I can’t keep it. I can’t have jewelry. Dill won’t let me. I think I don’t like sex. I didn’t tell Becky what happened on the boat with Jack, but that wasn’t sex. I don’t know what that was. I like my first friend Becky because she doesn’t make me feel poor. I feel like she really likes me. I never had that feeling before except for Mr. Rigs. I feel safe when he’s around and he watches me on the bus. So, he watches me on the bus and Becky can watch me at school. I might have a good school year after all. I really like Becky. (heart)
	Pilar Grace
	Dill yelled, “Pilar sweep up the kitchen and the front porch. Suppers gonna be early tonight. Special thing on the boat tonight. I don’t want the porch looking dirty.”
	“I’m coming Aunt Dill.” Pilar got the broom. “What special thing?”
	“You gonna find out soon enough,” Dill laughed. “You thirteen now. Time for you to grow up,” she giggled.
	It was strange for Pilar to hear Dill laugh. She never laughed or grinned. While sweeping the porch, she said to herself, “If she baked me a cake this will be the first time ever. They never even said happy birthday since I’m born.”
	“Jack, supper’s ready!”
	 Pilar looked stunned standing on the porch with the broom in her hands. “Aunt Dill called him for supper? That’s a first. Something’s different. I can feel it. Overnight things changed around here?” She kept sweeping.
	The only good feeling she had inside of her at this time was that Jack promised her she wasn’t going to get whipped by Dill anymore if she kept her mouth shut. She was so used to keeping her mouth shut, the thought of never being whipped again was a relief. The second good feeling she had was meeting Becky. 
	“Pilar, that’s enough sweeping. Come inside and eat. After, go give yourself a bath and put your pajamas.”
	“It’s early to put my pajamas on, Aunt Dill.”
	“Yeah, I know.” 
	Pilar never questioned what Dill said. Even though Jack said she wouldn’t whip her with the strap again, she was still afraid she’d lose her mind and pick it up and give her a whack on her butt. They ate an early supper and she took her bath. Putting her pajamas on in the daytime felt odd to her but she did what Dill said.
	Thirty minutes went by as she sat in her room reading about the princess in the gown of gold. Her door knob turned and she was surprised to see Jack standing there. Dill was the one who always came into her room. She froze wondering where Dill was. 
	“Come with me, Pilar.”
	“I’m in my pajamas. Where we going?”
	“On da boat.”
	“Why?” Pilar was beginning to get nervous.
	“Cause it’s ya birthday. You thirteen.”
	Pilar looked at Dill sitting at the table. She winked and had a grin on her face that she had never seen before. Her first instinct was that Dill knew what Jack did to her and she was glad he was going to do it again.
	“Can I bring my mama’s hat with me?”
	Dill answered. “Yeah, bring that old fuzzy hat. You can hold it all you want, but it won’t do you no good. You still gonna cry,” she laughed.
	Pilar followed Jack into the room she was in on the boat the night before, but he left, closed the door and locked it. She sat on the bed and wondered what he was going to do. She still hated the rocker. Dill was right, her mama’s hat didn’t do any good. Tears began rolling down her cheeks. She didn’t want to be with Jack again.
	The door opened. A total stranger walked in the room and closed the door behind him. He was wearing a nice tailored gray suit with a white tie and shirt. His hair was jet black and it was well groomed. He didn’t look at all like Jack. He looked clean like the men in her magazines.
	“Hi, young lady. You can just call me Mr. Boss. Everyone calls me that.”
	Pilar didn’t say anything. She stayed sitting where she was on the bed, holding her mama’s black hat.
	“Not talking tonight? I was hoping for some small talk, but that’s up to you.” He unbuttoned his jacket and loosened his tie. “I’ll sit right here in the rocker. I know it’s your birthday and I have a surprise for you.”
	“Okay.” Pilar was still nervous. In all of her years in that old house no one came to the house dressed like that. 	Then she heard him say, “Tommy come inside, boy. This is your big night to say happy birthday to Pilar.”
	When the door opened, Pilar became frantic. It was Tommy from school and he had that same wicked look on his face as he did on the school bus. He entered and locked the door behind him.
	“I need to go back in the old house with Aunt Dill. She’s gonna be mad at me if I stay in here with you two. Why are you both here?”
	“Well, young lady, I’m here to make sure that Tommy here… doesn’t hurt you. If I feel like I want to join him, I will.”
	“Join him in what? Where?” Pilar was against the back of the bed like a scared animal in a cage.
	“You scared Becky?” Tommy asked as he walked towards the bed teasing her. “I told you to wait for me, and here I am.” He laughed.
 	Mr. Boss stayed sitting in the rocker and spoke calmly to Pilar. “This is how it is and it will stay like this for a while. Tommy here… always breaks in every virgin that comes on the boat. It’s what he likes to do and his daddy pays good money to let him have that privilege. So, before he begins what he came here to do, I need to tell you that if you tell anyone what happens in this room tonight… and I do mean anyone… you won’t get a whipping as usual. I will kill you, myself. Understand?”
	“Uncle Jack!” Pilar screamed as Tommy got in the bed with her. He pulled his clothes off so fast that she didn’t have time to call her Aunt Dill. He jumped on Becky and began ripping her pajamas off until she was naked. He was not gentle at all with Becky as he penetrated her for the first time. She screamed while she tried to say she was in pain but Tommy kept raping her. He kept his thrust going for 15 minutes while Mr. Boss sat down and smiled as he watched Tommy climax with Pilar pinned against the back of the bed, crying.
	No one came to the room to see what was going on. No one heard her screams for help. Mr. Boss told Tommy his time was up and that it was enough.
	“No! I need to do it again.” He answered in a rough tone to Mr. Boss. Pilar was exhausted to the point that she was limp against the back of the bed. Tommy had taken advantage of every part of her body and she was aching.
	“I said it’s enough Tommy! Let her go. Can’t you see you hurt her? She’s bleeding. Clean yourself off, put your clothes back on and let’s go. You can come back another time.”
	Tommy pinched Pilar’s face and made her look into his eyes. “If you tell Becky or anyone at school that I was here, you will be in deep trouble with Mr. Boss. Hear me?” 
	Pilar managed to say, “I won’t tell. I promise.”
	Tommy pushed Pilar back on the bed and did what Mr. Boss told him. When he was fully dressed, Mr. Boss escorted Tommy out the door. “Go home Tommy.” He looked at Pilar… “and as for you, young lady, you will keep doing this as a favor to me. I’ll be back later.” He smiled. “I appreciate your business and I’ll make sure to tell Jack how good you were tonight. Have a good night, sleep well, and happy birthday.” 
	Pilar was trembling so much that her teeth were chattering. She thought Tommy was going to kill her. She was sure if Mr. Boss wouldn’t have been there, he may have snuffed her life away. He was brutal and vicious.
	All Pilar could do was cry. Jack didn’t come in the room for her. When she was finished crying, she screamed as loud as she could. Jumping off of the bed she grabbed the black three-tiered candle holder and began hitting it on the counter, the walls, the cabinets, the damn rocker, screaming, “I hate you Tommy! I hate you! I hate you!” 
	Each time she screamed ‘I hate you’, she hit the counter harder. Pilar had never displayed strong emotions like this. She cried when no one saw her and she lived in fear. Hate filed her soul many times, but she was never allowed to express her anger or show it. She feared the strap more than anything. Now she realized that the whippings were nothing compared to what she felt at this moment. She felt like an indecent human being, and yet, she wasn’t the one being indecent.
	“Tommy did something wrong tonight. Not me! He’s evil and cruel… and mean. I don’t want to be with him again! Ever!” She continued to cry.
	Humiliation is what she felt as she kept beating the candle holder on the counter until she dropped to the floor.  No one came. She guessed Dill and Jack didn’t hear her screaming, and if they did, they weren’t bothered if she was breaking things on the boat. Jack told her before that he didn’t pay for the fancy stuff. 
	She threw the candle holder at the damn rocker and crawled back into the bed, drops of blood dripping down her legs. She was ripped. Pain engulfed her body. 
	As she sat on the bed and looked at her naked body, this is when she noticed the blood on her legs. She felt pleased to see blood coming out of her body. The rape of her traumatic night with Tommy was bleeding out of her. It didn’t stop the pain in her body. It stopped the pain in her heart and in her mind. It was as though what he did to her was bleeding out of her body. She wrapped herself in the red satin sheet and pretended she was the Princess in the gown of gold dreaming of a better place to be. As she cleaned the blood between her legs, a little more oozed out. She did this until her mind accepted what happened to her. But now, she was a Princess, on a cloud, in someplace else. 
	Pilar dozed off from sheer exhaustion on the bed in the boat. She woke up screaming. “Leave me alone. Go away!” Dazed, trying to remember where she was upon her swift awakening, suddenly every moment came back into her mind. Wrapped in the red satin sheet, she got out of bed and looked out the window, but she saw no one in the dark. She was alone on the boat. There wasn’t a clock on the wall and she didn’t know if it was almost morning. 	
	Walking with her legs slightly apart because of the pain she felt, she went straight for the door. Mr. Boss locked the door from the inside, so she thought she could unlock it and get away. She was going to leave in the middle of the night if no one saw her, no matter what time it was. Maybe she could find someone to help her on the other side of the old bridge. The door sounded like it unlocked, but it didn’t open. 
	“Jack locked me in the room! He had to. It’s his boat. I’m not staying in here. I’m not! And when I’ll see Tommy on Monday… NO! I don’t want to ever see him again. I’ll tell Mr. Rigs to help me. He knows how much Tommy hates me.” 
	Her aching body slowly searched every inch of the small room but there was no way out. The windows were shut tight from the outside. Even if she broke the glass, the window was too small to exit. She threw herself on the bed again. Her mama’s hat was still there. She grabbed it and became mad at her mama for the life she had with Dill. 
	“How could my mama just leave me here? I heard Jack say Dill was jealous of my mama. She didn’t think she would hurt me the same way? She’s dead to me too.”
	Pilar grabbed her mama’s hat and threw it against the wall. The small black book fell on the bed. “The black book! It stayed inside the hat. If they had seen this book I’d be in bigger trouble They can’t stop me from writing. I’ll write what I want… when I want!” The pen was still attached to the book. She took the pen and began to write.
Dear Black Book,
Tonight, on my 13th birthday, I got raped. I know it’s rape because I didn’t want to have sex with Tommy. Becky told me that if someone does that to me, it’s rape. I’m so mad I could kill him. I never felt like this, not even when Dill whipped me with the strap or when Jack did what he did to me on that damn rocker, but Jack didn’t hurt me like Tommy did. Tommy hurt me so bad. I’m bleeding between my legs. It hurts me. I cried because no one’s here in this room on the boat to tell me to shut up. I don’t know why they left me on this boat. I don’t want to do this again. If I can run away, I’m leaving. I rather take the whipping than the rape. I have to find my mama and ask her why she left me with these mean people. Right now, she dead to me. My first birthday wish didn't come true when Becky told me to blow out my candle. I wished I could run away from this place. But now I'm locked inside of this room on the damn boat. I cleaned the blood off of my legs and went to sleep dreaming of the lady in the gown of gold. I want my library book! If Jack doesn’t give me my library book, I'm going to hit him. I’ll take the whipping. It’s better than rape. That Mr. Boss man in the suit told me he’d kill me if I told anyone about tonight, so I want my book! I’m stuck here and I'm scared they kill me! I’ll scream again until somebody hears me. Nobody ever hears me screaming in this place. I feel broken inside. I want my book to read! They have to give me my book with the princess in the gown of gold. 
Pilar Grace. February 14, 2013. Happy Birthday to me. I’m crying.
	Pilar continued to cry as she put her black book back inside the lining of her mama’s furry black hat. Holding the hat close to her chest, she screamed until her throat was raw. No one came. Her screams turned into low yells until she finally closed her eyes and fell asleep, completely wrapped in the red satin top sheet.
	In the morning hours, she was awakened by Jack’s voice. “Pilar, wake up and eat some food that Dill made for ya.” He put the food on the small counter. He yelled louder. “Pilar! Wake up!”
	Pilar jumped up screaming, “NO! Stop it!”
	“They don’t have nobody here for ya now. Get up and eat some food. Look, Dill fixed ya a good breakfast.”
	“I’m not hungry. Why you didn’t come and help me last night? You just left me here!” Not a tear fell from the eyes of Pilar. She was angry. Never before had she talked to Dill or to Jack in that tone of voice.
	“Because this is ya room now. You said ya liked it when we I showed it to ya. Ya stay here. Not in the house no more.”
	“Why? I want to go eat in the house and get off the boat. Take me off this boat. I don’t like the room no more.”
	Pilar was standing in front of Jack wrapped in the red satin sheet, her body still naked underneath. She was angry, confused, hurting, and tired. For the first time in her life she didn’t care if she got whipped with the strap.
	“Because ya gonna live on this boat. Understand?”
	“NO! I don’t understand!”
	“Pilar, ya gonna make men happy on this boat and ya gonna make us some money for all the years ya stayed here at my house. Now sit down and eat!” Jack was not used to hearing Pilar fuss at him, ever. He didn’t like her expressing what she felt.
	“Men? Tommy raped me last night! He’s not a man. He’s a boy at my school. A bully. You think he’s not going to tell everybody that he came on this boat and raped me? I’m getting out of here, now!” 
	Pilar reached for the doorknob and Jack nearly broke her wrist. He pushed her until she sat in the damn rocker she hated.
	“Now, shut up and listen to me, Pilar. Ya don’t talk to me or nobody else who comes on this boat like ya just did. Let me tell ya what ya gonna do for me and Dill. Ya gonna live on this boat for a long time and ya gonna make the men happy having sex with them. All of them that come in this room. Hear me?” Jack was mad.
	“But why?” Pilar fell back into her defensive mode, but she didn’t fear the strap. She was afraid of what Jack was telling her.
	“Because we been taking care of you and now you gotta pay us back. If we don’t lock you in here, you gonna run away. A girl baby makes money on da boat when she’s thirteen. When ya was born, Dill told ya mama to leave the house and we kept ya. Oh, she came back to try and get ya, but she got whipped with the strap just like you did. She kept trying until she was marked so bad, she stopped coming here. And that’s what’s gonna happen to you if ya don’t do what the man tells ya to do. They pay me money and that money is for me and Dill now.”
	“My mama came back for me?”
	“Yeah, a lot of times, but she had to listen just like ya learned to listen. She was no good on this boat when she got pregnant for ya. No man wants sex with a big pregnant woman. She was no good after that.”
	“What if I get pregnant?” 
	“Not gonna happen. Doc fixed ya like a dog… when ya was six. No one knows. No more babies here.”
	Pilar’s eyes swelled up with tears thinking about what her mama must have gone through. “So, my mama did come back for me. She didn’t just leave me here with the two of you. You kept me from my mama!” Pilar jumped out of the rocker and lunged at Jack.
 	Jack pulled her by her hair and threw her on the bed. “Stay away from me girl. Now ya acting just like ya mama. I’m gonna tell ya one more time. Don’t ever try to hit me or talk sassy to me or Dill. Ever! I’ll beat ya the same way I beat ya mama. She thinks ya dead anyway.”
	“She thinks I’m dead?” Pilar didn’t understand because Jack told her to shut up. She was asking too many questions. She began trembling again.
	“Yeah. Stay scared. Just like that.” Jack was pacing the small floor area. He didn’t want to hit Pilar with his hands. “Okay. Now… ya gonna do what the man tells ya to do or that Mr. Boss man will kill ya and get someone else in here. He killed other girls before. Ya not gonna be any different to him. Get it? Stay here and have sex with the men. That’s all ya gonna do. It’s not a hard job.”
	Pilar said nothing. She just sat in the bed trembling.
	“I’m done talking to ya. I brought some food for ya. Dill gave me these clothes for ya. They got a bathroom right here to take a bath or a shower. It’s better than ours in da house. Dill put some peroxide and a jar of Vaseline with ya clothes to clean up your bottom. She said it would make ya feel clean. Use it with the towels in there. I’m done.”
	“Can I have my library book?” Pilar look at Jack’s face with hate in her eyes.
	“Ya not going back to school, so ya don’t need books. Mr. Boss signed ya out of school. He told the principal ya going back to live with ya mama. Nobody cares what happens to ya. Mr. Boss rules Small Town.”
	“I’m not going back to school?” Pilar stopped shaking. “Somebody’s going to notice. The teachers will see I’m not there!” She raised her voice up a notch.
	Jack gave her a mean look. “I said I’m done with the likes of ya. I’m gonna take these dirty clothes so Dill can wash it. That’s all I’m gonna do here.”
	“I want my book!” Pilar demanded. “It’s the lady with the gold dress on the cover in my room. Please, can I have my book?” She stood firm with her request.
	Opening the door to leave the boat, Jack said with his back turned to her, “I’ll ask Dill. If she tells me ya can have ya book, I’m gonna bring it with ya dinner.” He slammed the door shut and locked it.
	Pilar cried more than she did at school when she and Becky played hooky. Her swollen eyelids were as red as ripe grapes. She didn’t eat any of the food that Jack brought to her. Inside of her mind, she was trying so hard to process what Jack told her but her spirit was shaken to the core. Now, more than ever, she needed to be in her fantasy book world. Staying in that room was like being in a jail.
	“I wonder if Becky will miss me?  No one else will. I just know it. I wonder if I can ever see Aunt Dill again? I don’t care if I see either one of them again.”
	Pilar was looking outside of the window and she saw Jack coming back to the boat. She ran to the bed and jumped in.
	“Here. Dill told me to bring ya book with the lady on it. She said not to ask for nothing else.”
	“Thank you! I won’t ever ask for nothing else. I promise. You know I keep my promises.”

	When Jack locked the door again on the way out, she ran to get her book. It wasn’t torn or messed up. It was still in one piece. She thought maybe Dill would have thrown it away.
	“I got my book.” She let out a hysterical laugh. “Ha! I got my book. They gave it to me. First time I ask for something and they give it to me. I got my book!” She laughed again, hysterically. “I got my book. Yeah.”
	 Deep down inside, she knew that someday her life would change like this Princess. It was either that or die, and she didn’t want to die. Pilar put the book on the bed next to her mama’s fuzzy black hat. She passed up the food that Jack brought her for breakfast. She wasn’t hungry.
	Entering the small bathroom, she saw that it was much nicer than the bathroom in the old house. She used the peroxide to clean around her vagina, and Dill was right. She did feel better. After her bath and putting her clean clothes on, she didn’t want to go back on the blood-stained bed. Even though the sheets were red satin, she could still see the spots of blood, so she sat down in the damn rocker to get herself into her fantasy book. Of all the times in her life when she needed to transport her mind in another land, this was the time. 
	“Be like the princess, Pilar,” she said out loud to herself. “Be the princess and pretend that this damn boat is your castle. I can feel myself in the gown of gold. I see all of the chandeliers hanging in the palace. Dance Pilar. Dance all around that hall of hanging chandeliers. It’s your palace. This is your palace. If you need to stay on this damn boat, then make this your palace like the princess lives in. Be her until you get off of this damn boat. Be the princess in the gown of gold. Dance Pilar!”
	Pilar got off of the rocker and began to dance in the small room. For a moment, she felt like the princess in the gold gown. Closing her eyes, she danced and pretended that her dress was flowing around the clean, shiny floor of the palace entrance. She pretended that her hair was pulled up in a glamourous style as she waltzed across the floor of the damn boat. 
	“I am the princess. Princess Pilar Grace.”
Pilar dreamed of being the princess in a grand palace.
	Her dream dance was abruptly ended by Dill pulling her arm. Her mind was so deep into being the princess in a palace, she didn’t hear the door open and Dill entering the room of the boat.
	“Girl! What’s wrong with you? You sick? Don’t get sick on me now. You need to be okay for tonight. It’s a special night. You okay?”
	Pilar shook herself out of the trance-like state she got herself into. This was the first time that Dill ever asked her if she was okay.
	“Aunt Dill. I’m so glad to see you. Get me out of this room. Please get me out. I don’t want to make no man happy the way I did last night. I hate that.”
	Dill went straight for the bed sheets to take the old sheets off and add clean satin sheets. “Pilar, I’m not here to help you. I’m here to clean the room up. Tonight, you gonna entertain two men and they expecting you to be extra good… so,”
	“I don’t know what I’m doing in this damn room!” she screamed as loud as she could. 
	“Don’t tell me that you and your girlfriends at school didn’t talk about screwing boys! All you have to do is just let the man do what he wants to you. Whatever he tells you do, you do it. It’s not that hard. And don’t you raise your voice to me. I’ll…”
	“You’ll what? Whip me. Uncle Jack said you can’t whip me. He said he’d whip me. I hate both of you!”
	Pilar ran for the door to get out of the room and Jack was at the door. She froze as stiff as icicles hanging from the edge of the roof… and then she fainted.
	“I’m done cleaning this bed. Put her laying down right here. She’ll sleep it off and get the hang of this. I didn’t whip her, Jack.”
	“I know. I heard everything at da door. Yeah, she’ll get used to what she has to do. Tommy was the hardest one to handle. The rest won’t be that rough. She’s good.”
	“I’m telling you right now Jack, she’s gonna be as good as her mama was with men. I didn’t think she would ever be as good as she was, but we made a good deal off of her.” Dill laughed. “My baby sister was a whore at her age too. Now, I’m glad she was prettier than me.”
	“Yeah, ya sister was sure pretty. She looked like a queen. Dill, no man wanted to be with you because of how ugly ya were. Plain and simple. And… ya still ugly, but ya can cook good. Nora didn’t cook nothing good. But the men sure liked to be with her. She…”
	“Shut up, Jack! You no prize man, you know! You ugly. Get out of here while I clean the bathroom. She’s gonna be out for a while. And don’t tell me what you just said again. I don’t like that.”	
	Jack walked out the door and gave her a grimace.

© 2018 Mary Lynn Plaisance
*All Rights Reserved to Author*
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval
system, or transmitted by any means without written permission
of the author.