Conversations With Death.#1
The Regret
I never thought about that last conversation coming any time soon. In fact, I laughed at the mere notion that it would happen at all. I was invincible. I could do everything by myself and that was to include dying. How carefully I crossed the street, looked both ways before I crossed, and took my vitamins every day. Sleep was a high priority. I always seemed to need more than others. While they were out partying, I was safely tucked in by nine each night and even on weekends. Somewhere I read that a consistent bedtime increased one’s mortality and I planned to quietly outlive everyone.
Never go barefoot lest you may gravely injure your feet, get an infection and contract gangrene or even worse, die. Wear sunglasses at an early age and avoid melanoma cancer of the eyes, especially if your eyes are light or blue. Every step of my life was planned methodically to overt Death’s attempts to take me before I was ready.
When I was younger I fell in love but it was short lived of only a few years and then we were separated I never loved or desired the closeness of another human being again. Feelings were stressful so I avoided them at all cost. My surroundings became reclusive and I refrained from a permanent human connection. I planned to live to be 100 and no one, not even death could stop me, or so I thought.
Striving to help others would give me a sense of belonging and replace the need of a close personal relationship. This way I could give the best of me freely, and without a stringent commitment on my own terms. Keep the conversations on a professional level or subject appropriate so as to not give way to personal consequences.
My life was full and productive but I was not yielding to Death’s periodic invitations of which I quickly refused to accept.
One afternoon in late Fall, October 2, 2008 to be precise, I found myself confined to a hospital bed with congestive heart failure, complicated by pneumonia. At first I wasn’t sure where I was but then the beige tiles on the ceiling began to come into focus. I remember fading in and out of sleep but when I finally awoke, there he sat crossed legged in the leather recliner, Death himself, smiling slightly, and reading an unfamiliar magazine.
“What are you smiling about?” I asked. Death lowered the magazine then looked at me over the top of his bifocals with one raised eyebrow. The brown leather recliner the hospital provided for visitors framed his body like they were made for each other. Park Plaza was known for its amenities in the hospice wing.
“You talking to me?” He asked in a tone rather like that guy in the movie Taxi, then slightly chuckled in amusement of his quite convincing impression.
“Who else would I be talking to? We’re the only ones here, aren’t we?” I didn’t have my glasses on but I was most assuredly convinced that we were alone. He thought he was funny or something but he didn’t fool me. I knew what he wanted and he wasn’t going to get it. A nurse probably in her late thirties came in and started mulling around the bed.
“Okay Mrs. Temple let’s take your blood pressure and then I’ll leave you to a nice nap,” she consoled.
“It’s Ms. and I don’t need a nap. Would you hand me my bed coat please?” I snapped at her but in Death’s direction, glaring at the chair. “Can’t you see him?” The nurse continued pumping the rubber ball and reading her vitals.
“Who Ms. Temple?” The nurse moved her eyes around the room then back to me with her eyebrows raised a little and a little smile.
“Him,” I said nudging my head in his direction. “Over there, in the chair.”
“Can’t say I do Ms. Temple but these are some beautiful flowers you have here. Are they from family?” She lingered a moment, handed me my bed coat then went back to her duties. “Have you had your snack this afternoon? Your blood pressure is elevated a bit and your blood sugar is way down.”
“No and no, they’re from my church. They’re my family now. All of my friends are dead or dying; like me. Did they change the color of the curtains since I was here last?” I asked.
“No not that I am aware of. Sorry to hear about your friends Ms. Temple. I’ll be right back.” She left me alone with him again.
There was a moment of silence after the door pulled itself to a close.
“Well I suppose you think that was funny, huh? Her not being able to see you and all. Real cute trying to make them think I’m crazy now. Heart failure and pneumonia’s not enough for you? Damn, you’re sicker than I am. You know it?” He just sat there reading his magazine and occasionally looking up at me then the door. I picked up the Kleenex box off of the bed and tossed it at him. “What brought you here today? I’m not going. Tomorrow’s my birthday you know?”
“Virgie, that’s no way for a lady of your stature to carry on and at your age. I don’t know why you are so reluctant to leave this place. You all have to go sometime. Why do you hold onto this life? Just look at these floor tiles. They should have been replaced years ago and the bathroom is appalling.” Death continued to plead his case.
“It’s what I know. What if I don’t like where I’m going? What then.”
The nurse re-entered the room with pills and orange juice. Here you go Ms. Temple,” and she handed her the pills, the juice, and laid the cookies on the side table. “Is your friend still with us?”
“Friend? What friend? That’s Death reading a magazine just waiting for me to die. I wouldn’t call that a friend; would you?” I tried to sit up and face her but I just couldn’t. My head went spinning and Death sat up, paused for a moment then relaxed.
“Well, no I sure wouldn’t! What could he possibly be thinking? I certainly didn’t mean to interrupt Ms. Temple.” The nurse’s eyes went high and low, left then right, then rolled them back in her head. “He’s got some nerve, don’t he?” She walked over and pulled the curtains to take the glare off the room and make it cozier for a nap.
“I told you I don’t want a nap. Didn’t you hear me?” I asked as she smiled and came over to fluff my pillow. Death just sat there.
“I know but you need your rest Ms. Temple so you can go home soon. I’ll be back later,” then she walked out of the room pulling the door to a close behind her.
“Well? You going to answer me or not? She’s gone.” I couldn’t sit up but I could still see him at the same time noticing that one of the ceiling tiles was chipped and uneven..
“So you think you’re going somewhere bad? Is that it Ms. Temple?” He pulled out the leg rest on the recliner, and leaned back like he was about to psychoanalyze me.
“Don’t know, haven’t thought much about that actually. I always figured I’d be going to meet my maker some day. Just know I’ve got everything the way I like it and I don’t like change. I’ve seen enough in my time. How will I find everything and what about my little dog? Now don’t even try to hard sell me cause it won’t do you any good. Just tell me the truth. The truth works. Did you notice the pretty blue tiles in the bathroom? You do use the bathroom, don’t you?”
“Yes, I noticed and no I don’t use the bathroom, thank you. I think I know what the problem is. You’ve got me confused with that other fella…the horny guy with the tail. Am I right?” He leaned forward waiting for an answer.
The room went deafening silent. I hated to admit it but he had a point. I’d never let him talk before now. I shut him out every time he came in the past. I just assumed. One thing for sure he was a persistent fella mild mannered all-in-all; I’d give him that. He was a nicely dressed, rather suave kind of man. His glasses made him look like a professor, extremely intelligent, and knowledgeable of the world. In talking to him it was like we’d met somewhere before, besides him trying to take me out over the years. He was familiar. He was exactly what I’d been looking for but he was dead, Death himself, or was he I thought to myself.
“I guess to tell you the truth, I did. So let me see.” He stood up and turned around. “No tail, okay.” I looked him straight in the eye and asked, “Are you…dead?” I blushed a bit while adjusting my oxygen tube. He seemed to be growing on me.
“Nope, not dead nor alive either. Neither either, never was and never will be. Just am. Like the sun and the moon it just is; I just am.” He kind of hung his head down like he’d been somehow wounded in the moment. “What’s it like?”
“What’s what like?” I questioned.
“Being alive. Most don’t even want to talk about it. They’re glad or sad, happy or mad. Don’t have many who fight to stay like you. Most are relieved it’s finally over. You’re different. What’s so good about this life?” He asked with a deep curiosity.
“Well I guess it’s been okay for the most part. I just hate to cash it in. I mean who dies these days of pneumonia? That’s so lame!” About then I drifted off and my head slumped to the right. Little gasping snores escaped into the air.
I opened my eyes slightly when I came to watching him. Death sat there and looked at me sympathetically as if he could actually see my listless eyes, tired lungs, slowing heart, failing kidneys, and arthritic hands. I wondered what he would come up with to try to convince me it was time. Perhaps I was dreaming as I continued to fade out. Abruptly I awoke from my own snoring and looked over at him.
“You’re still here? How long was I out that time?” I pulled up the sheet close to my chin covering my breasts.
“Not long. I guess you know you snore right? Not meaning to be rude; just an observation.” He took off his glasses and placed them atop his head. “Did you ever have regrets?
“Me first, and I don’t snore,” I said. “What were you reading over there if I may ask?” I just couldn’t see the cover without my glasses.
“Well if you must know it’s a Special Edition made especially for me and this one’s about you. It also has all of your stories and poems in it. You were quite good, you know? Now me, do you have any regrets of this life?”
“Okay now, I ain’t dead yet and you can stop schmoozing me. If you must know I had one, a regret as you called it, but that was a lifetime ago.”
“What would that be? The young man in your locket?” His eyes smiled warmly and the room filled with the smell of hot chocolate, the old fashioned kind.
“Yes, how did you know?” I asked as my eyes filled with tears. He extended his hand, offering a Kleenex from the box I threw at him earlier. “Okay you win. I do snore and have for years. Why am I telling you this?” I turned away from Death briefly then glance back over at him.
“He told me Virgie. He’s been waiting a long time for you. How long will you keep him waiting? He wants to know.” I looked at him and his brown eyes and his face slowly transformed into that boy I loved so long ago.
He reached for my hand then he helped me up out of the bed. He led me out of the room and into the hallway where I stopped, looked back at this life one last time, turned, then he gently grasped my hand and took me home.
