Chapter 1

So, where are you now?” Lizzie’s voice sounded the weakest Shannon had ever heard it. The chemotherapy had started to take a heavy toll on her best friend.

You don’t want to hear about another boring business conference.” She responded, sounding much lighter than she felt.

“Yes, I do. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have asked. I love hearing all about where you are and what you are doing. It’s the closest I will ever be to being a world traveler.” Lizzie paused to catch her breath.

Shannon contemplated her worlds during the pause. The two women had been best friends since grade school. Since both of them had been the only child over the years they had grown to be more like sisters.

“I’m in Houston, at my sixth conference in as many months. The company loves to send me because the executives think I preset a good image for the company, but the truth is they like to show off their first female company partner.”

“I hate being away from you” Shannon switched subjects.  “especially when you are taking chemo.

“It’s okay. I understand. My mom is here, helping out. I miss you too but it’s important for you to maintain your career.” Lizzie responded.

Shannon knew her best friend was right. There would be plenty of other treatments for her to be with Lizzie. She still felt guilty for being away.

“I need to go. My dinner tray just arrived and I need to let my Mom feed me before she leaves for the night. Call me tomorrow?”

“She’s leaving you alone tonight?” Shannon felt panic rising in her heart. She never left Lizzie alone when she was taking her treatment.

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. She’s only doing it because I insisted. I can’t expect her to sleep on the uncomfortable fold out couch. She’s too old for that.” Lizzie tried to reassure Shannon.

“What if something happens in the middle of the night?” Shannon tried to reason with Lizzie.

Since I am in a hospital, I will be fine. You know they have nurses and doctors here. They can take care of whatever needs to be done. Shannon, don’t worry about me. I’ll be just fine.

Shannon said goodbye to Lizzie regretfully, knowing there was nothing she could do for Lizzie from across the country. It bothered her for her best friend to be all alone in the lonely hospital. The best she could do was to make sure she was not alone when Shannon returned on Monday.

Since Lizzie had gotten sick Shannon had considered taking a personal leave of absence from her job at the New York City Ad Agency. When she mentioned the idea to Lizzie, her best friend had been adamant about Shannon not risking her career with such a absurd decision. “You don’t have to be here all the time. I can still take care of myself most of the time. All of my chemo treatments are going to be on Fridays anyway. I should be back on my feet by the following Monday. I appreciate your devotion but taking a break from your job is asking too much.” She had insisted.

Shannon now wished she had gone with her first idea. If something happened in the middle of the night she doubted they would be able to get in contact with Lizzie mom. Whenever she went to bed she always had the front desk hold all of her calls.

Once when Lizzie had been hospitalized after a car wreck the hotel management had refused to ring Deborah’s room. Shannon had been unable to reach Lizzie’s mother until after ten the next morning. By that time, Lizzie was being released. “Deb” had shown up in time to drive her daughter home from the hospital and fuss over her at the small apartment the two college students shared. Shannon had tried to resist the resentment toward Deb. After sleeping in a chair beside her best friend the feelings were hard to contain. To avoid a confrontation Shannon decided to get groceries.

When she returned Shannon had found Lizzie reclining on the couch. Deb was no where in sight.

“Mother was called away. Something important, I’m sure. Although I am not sure what could be more important than her only daughter.” Lizzie said with a sigh.

Instantly, her resentment faded. Shannon realized how much Lizzie needed her mother, now more than ever.

Shannon spent the return flight worrying over Lizzie. She touched down at the airport, in such a hurry to get to the hospital, she almost forgot to pick up her baggage. Leaving the airport Lizzie dialed the number to Lizzie’s room. Deb picked up the phone on the other end.

“Hello?” she said.

“Deb, let me speak to Lizzie.” She said as patiently as she could muster.

“I wish you would not call her by that repulsive nickname. She has a perfectly fine given name.” She said exasperated.

“May I just speak to her?” Shannon asked again.

“She’s not here. They took her upstairs for some tests. I’m not sure what kind. I think she phone be back in about an hour. You just missed her. Do you want me to give her a message?”

Knowing Deb would not deliver any message she left, Shannon declined. Informing she would be there presently Shannon hung up on the phone, praying Deb would take the hint and take the opportunity to escape from the hospital. Knowing Deb she was chomping at the bit to leave.

Shannon found Lizzie resting in her room. Her face looked more pale and thin than when Shannon had left her. Going to the bed, she pulled up a chair quietly. Lizzie’s eyes fluttered open and Shannon silently chided herself for waking Lizzie.

“You’re back!” Shannon watched the spark return to Lizzie’s eyes upon seeing her best friend.

Shannon rose from the chair and leaned over the bed to hug Lizzie. She felt her shoulder blades pressing into her chest. Lizzie was a mere shell of her former beauty. She watched Lizzie settle back onto the pillows. Her eyes sunk into her head, cheek bones stuck out below. Shannon felt like she were looking into the face of a skeleton. Lizzie’s arms looked like sticks and Shannon could make out her ribs beneath the thin material of the hospital gown she wore. 

“It looks like it’s going to be “Shannon To Save The Day” once again. Mother was called away about thirty minutes ago. Since I am getting released, I need someone to drive me home.” Lizzie said dryly. “Mother only come for the show, so she can go home and tell her friends about “spending her weekend at the hospital nursing her daughter” but the truth is when I really need her most she is always too busy.”

Shannon felt responsible for Deb leaving. She had a dislike for her best friend’s mother. They had a silent agreement to spend as little time as possible together. When she called to let Lizzie know she was on her way up Deb would always find a reason to depart. In return, Shannon never came to the hospital unannounced. It was something they had worked out a few months ago, at the beginning of Lizzie’s treatment, to avoid a confrontation. Shannon was relieved Lizzie had never caught on to the system. Since she was accustom to the way Deb stepped in and out of her life it had been much easier to continue.

“I don’t want to die in a hospital. Promise me you won’t let that happen to me. Promise me if I am ever unable to speak for myself you will get me out of here. Don’t let my mother override my wishes.” Kimmie begged weakly.

“Don’t talk like that. You’re not going to die. You will however make me cry.” Shannon tried to comfort her best friend.

“We both need to think about this. It’s time to face the facts. The treatments are not working. The doctors have all but said there is nothing more they can do to help me.” Kimmie said calmly.

“You can’t die. I don’t know what I would do without you in my life.” Shannon said, beginning to cry.

“Let’s not fight over this. I have another check up tomorrow, we’ll know for sure then. I just have this feeling the news is not going to be optimistic.” Lizzie closed the subject.

The next morning, Kimmie’s prediction came true .

“We are reaching the point there is not much we can do to help you. Your tumors aren’t growing but they aren’t shrinking either. You have three weeks left in this treatment cycle. We will reevaluate you then and make a final decesion then but things are not looking good at this point. I think you should prepare for the worst.” The doctor said gravely.

The news hit Shannon like a tidal wave. The grief and despair washed over her in great surges. After the doctor left she found it hard to hold back the tears.

Lizzie lay in the bed silent. She had not said a word since hearing the news.

Shannon wondered what was going through her best friend’s mind but couldn’t bring herself to broach the subject which was staring both of them in the face. Shannon knew they would have to face it eventually but something told her tonight was not the right time. She realized what Lizzie really needed was a friend. Just someone to let her know she was not alone.

Shannon slept fitfully. Her mind kept wandering back to the doctor’s words earlier in the day. Her best friend was dying. Shannon felt as if her heart were breaking. Since the beginning of her illness Shannon had often wished she could take Lizzie’s place. This most recent news found her asking this question once again. “Why Lord? Why couldn’t I be the one in the hospital bed? Why couldn’t I be the one dying? Lizzie doesn’t deserve this. She hasn’t had the full, happy life I’ve had. She has so much living left to do.” Shannon prayed as tears traced each other down her cheeks.

Lizzie slept peacefully in the bed across the room from her. Shannon watched her steady breathing and wondered how she was going to live without Lizzie in her life.

Lizzie awoke to the sobs of muffled sobs. Even without looking she knew who was making them. She had watched Shannon’s resolve fading throughout the evening. As she drifted into the drug induced sleep, Lizzie realized Shannon would allow her emotions free when she thought her best friend was asleep. Lizzie wished they could cry together but she knew even if she allowed herself to cry on Shannon’s shoulder her friend would still contain her emotions in Lizzie’s presence. Shannon thought she was protecting her friend from farther hurt not realizing how crying together could help Lizzie.

The drive to Lizzie’s apartment the next morning was quiet. Both women were doing their best not to think about or discuss the events of the day before. Shannon kept both her eyes on the road. Lizzie leaned weakly against her seat and peered out the window. The radio played quietly in the background.

Lizzie weighed her words carefully. She knew she had to talk to Shannon. Before she launched into a topic, which she was sure her best friend was not going to want to talk about, Lizzie tried to collect her thoughts.

“Shannon, can we talk?” She asked tentatively.

Shannon gripped the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles started to turn white.

“I know what you want to talk about but I am  not sure I am just not prepared to talk yet. You are just going to have to give me some time and space.” She said, never taking her eyes from the road.

Kimmie sighed, but did not pursue the matter. Maybe time was just what Shannon needed she decided.

In the following days, Shannon found herself doing her best to avoid Shannon. When she wasn’t cooking for the two of them, watching television or helping Lizzie around the apartment, Shannon found herself taking refuge in her own room. She could not bring herself to face the fact her best friend, the person who had been like a sister to her, was fading away. Despite everything the doctors were doing to save Lizzie, she was slipping away from them.

Sitting alone in her room, Shannon felt tears welling up in her eyes just thinking about the coming weeks. A light rap on the door brought her out of her thoughts. Hastely she swiped the tears from her cheeks.

“Come in.” She said, trying to sound more composed than she felt.

“Can we talk?” Lizzie asked. Crossing the room, she sat down on the bed across from Shannon. “I know you have been avoiding me and the subject which is staring both of us in the face.” She continued.

“I know you want to talk but I am not sure I am just not ready to talk. Why are you rushing this?” Shannon asked trying to force her voice to stay level.

“I need closure. To get it, I need to talk this issue out with you. Since you are my best friend, I do not want to leave this earth having left something left unsaid.” Lizzie said.

Shannon felt like a trapped animal. The urge to flee was overwhelming. Her mind whirled as she tried to find a response.

“Closure? What are you talking about. You aren’t going anywhere. The doctors are sure yet. You don’t need to give up just yet. Wait until the final results are in.” Shannon pleaded.

“I have thought  about this extensively. There is no use to try to change my mind. I have decided I am not going to take anymore treatments. I want to make the best of the time of I have left. As my best friend, I hope you will help me make my final days as happy as possible.” Lizzie said reasonably.

“Please don’t do this. Let the doctors help you. I know it’s hard but staying on your treatments could save your life.” Shannon tried to convince Kimmie.

“I have already told you, my mind is made up. If you were not my best friend I wouldn’t even bother to tell you my decision. Please support me. It’s what I need more than ever right now.”

She responded, throwing a pleading glance at Shannon.

Shannon felt the walls closing in around her.

“I’m going for a walk. I need some air, to help clear my head. Let me think about it. I’ll give you my answer later. It’s the best I can do.” Shannon said digging her shoes out from under the bed.

Kimmie sighed and rose slowly from the bed.

Shannon heard her leave and shut the door quietly behind her. When she entered the living room, Shannon found the room empty. Muffled voices told Shannon Lizzie was in her own bedroom. Crossing the room,  Shannon went to the front door and yanked it open. Fresh air hit her face and from a moment, took her breath way.

As she jogged, the sun warmed her neck and back. Her thoughts wandered back to the conversation with Lizzie. Shannon realized she should be more up front  with her best friend. She stopped to catch her breath near a bench. The words Lizzie said echoed in her head. Shannon felt grief tighten around her heart. Shannon sucked in deep breaths of the fresh air as she fought to regain her composure.

“This is not the place to fall apart.” She tried to convince herself. “You need to get a grip on your emotions.” She chided herself. “You were taught about this, than to yourself lose control like this.”

When Shannon made it back to the apartment, she found the door to Lizzie’s room still shut. She heard soft sobs coming through the door. Crossing the room she stood in front of the door undecided. She knew she should go in and try to comfort her friend.

Suddenly, a wave of exhaustion washed over her. Reeling backward she grabbed in vain for wall to regain her balance. Shannon felt as if she were falling into a black pit. Lizzie’s face swam into her line of vision as the blackness suck her under. Shannon fought consciousness but left herself slipping away. She heard Lizzie’s voice but it sounded a million miles away. Sirens wailed closer as her consciousness slipped away.

Shannon awoke to the sounds of beeping machines and people rushing around. She opened her eyes to a stark white ceiling and bright lights. Squinting against the brightness.

A nurse stood at the head of the bed, infusing medication into the I.V. hung at the head of the bed. Panic filled Shannon when she realized Lizzie was probably panicking out in the waiting room. She tried to speak but the oxygen mask prevented her from speaking. Frusterated, she tried to yank the mask. The nurse rushed to the side of the bed and pinned her arms down gently.

“You can’t take that off right now. It’s helping you breath. Just relax. You’re going to be fine.” She spoke softly but firmly.

“Lizzie, I need Lizzie.” Shannon finally forced out.

“If you will calm down and stop trying to take your oxygen mask off, I will go and get her.” The nurse promised.

Shannon forced her muscles to relax. Breathing deeply, she tried to slow her heart rate.

“You just lay there and rest and I will go get Lizzie. She has been hovering out there, just waiting to get back here to you. She made me swear to call her just as soon as you woke up.” She said turning to leave.

In just a few minutes Lizzie rushed into the cubicle.

“How are you?” She asked.

“What are the doctors say caused this?” Shannon evaded the question.

“They haven’t said much to me. A nurse told me you were stable and the doctor would be back around when you were awake, to talk to us.” She responded.

Shannon stared into her best friend’s eyes. Lizzie never wavered, or tried to avoided Shannon’s gaze. Shannon decided she was telling the truth.

The two friends sat in silence. Both lost in their own thoughts. Shannon wracked her brain, trying to figure out what had caused the fainting episode.

A doctor wearing green scrubs and a starched white lab coat entered the cubicle. After a brief introduction, he pulled Shannon’s chart from the holder at the foot of the bed.

“The reason you fainted is your blood sugar dropped dramatically. The reason this happened is you are a diabetic. Are you familiar with this condition?” He asked glancing from the chart to the patient.

“I have heard of it but I don’t know a lot about it.” Shannon confessed.

“It can be a very serious condition if you don’t take care of yourself. This is going to require a team effort. You can’t do it alone. Your primary care physician is going to play a vital role in maintaining your heath.” He said gravely.

Later that night, Shannon was settled on the couch and Lizzie curled up in an overstuffed chair. Neither of them so spoke for several moments. Lizzie had watched Shannon’s mood continually decline since arriving at the apartment. Not sure of what to say, Lizzie had decided it was best to give her best friend time to absorb the blow she been dealt earlier in the afternoon.

Dinner had been a somber affair. Shannon stared down at her food throughout the meal. Lizzie wouldn’t have been shocked if after cleaning it, Shannon had picked it up and used it as a shield.

After the meal, both women drifted to the living room. Lizzie turned on the television and watched half-hearted.

“I can’t do this.” Shannon broke the silence.

“What can’t you do?” Shannon asked but did not turn to Shannon.

“Diabetes. It’s too complicated. There are too many rules and too much to remember. I just can’t do it.” Shannon said painfully.

“It’s going to take work but you can learn to manage your life with diabetes. People do it every day. Some of them have been managing the condition since they were teenagers and some even since they were children.” Lizzie tried to encourage.

“I guess what I am trying to say is I don’t want to do it. If you aren’t going to be around I don’t want to do the thing to take care of myself if it means I have to live without you.” Shannon shot back.

“You can’t give up. If you do then you are letting diabetes win. You have your whole life ahead of you. Your future is so bright, Shannon. You just can’t let it win.” Lizzie tried.

“Why can’t I? You gave up, let cancer win. Tell me why I can’t I do the same thing? You are supposed to lead by example.”

Shannon’s words stung and Lizzie found it hard to find her voice for several moment.

She could feel Shannon’s gaze burning through her in the heavy silence.

Crossing the room Lizzie bent to hug her best friend before stooping in front of Shannon.

“You’re right.” Lizzie said, choking on the lump in her throat. “I shouldn’t have given up. If I am going to expect you to fight then I should be leading by example. First thing in the morning I am going to call the doctor and reschedule my chemotherapy. What about you?” Lizzie asked, eyeing Shannon.

“I guess I am going to call my doctor and set up an appointment to find out what I need to be doing.” She said with a sigh. “I’m also going to call my boss and schedule some vacation time. I think I need a break from traveling around the world. I need to put down some roots and reconnect with the world I live in. Who knows, I might even really go off the deep end and get myself a dog.” She said with a laugh.

“I think a dog would be good for you.” Lizzie said chuckling.

A knot developed in Lizzie’s stomach as she hung up the phone. The chemo treatment was scheduled for the following day and she couldn’t stop herself from wondering if she was making the right decision. Her heart wanted to stop fighting and enjoy the time Lizzie had left. She decided if it helped Shannon get a grip on her own life then it was worth it. Shannon had her whole life ahead of her. Lizzie could not bear to think of Shannon giving up on life.

Although she her gut told her this new round of treatment was not going to faze her cancer, Lizzie made up her mind to fight as hard it until her last breath. She was willing to do whatever it took to make her best friend fight her own battles.

Shannon met the news of the new chemo regiment with mixed emotions. She was glad to know Lizzie wasn’t giving up hope of being cured but hated to think what Lizzie was going to face as the side effects of the medicine took effect.

“When all of this is over I am going to take you around the world with me. There won’t be anymore of me calling from place unknown. I want you to be there with me.” Shannon said.

The two of them had been sitting in silence, watching the medicine drip through the I.V. in Lizzie’s hand.

Entering the hospital Shannon had felt the knot in her stomach growing. Lizzie had remain silent as the familiar process was started.

As they sat, alone in the small hospital room, Shannon contemplated an idea which had been on her mind for several days. Tentatively, she broached the subject, unsure of how Lizzie was going to respond.

“I don’t want you to worry about money, or where you are going to live. I just want you to let me take care of it. Okay? Will you do that, Lizzie?”

“I’m not sure, Shannon. Things are so uncertain right now. I am fighting this cancer with all of my being but I realize there is still a long road ahead of me. I don’t want to make any crucial decisions right now. Please don’t press the matter. All I can say is I will try to think about it, okay?” Lizzie responded.

“You’re going to beat this. Lizzie, you have to keep telling yourself that. It’s vital to your recovery.” Shannon said, staring her best friend in the eye.

“I know and I am not giving up on this battle, far from it. I am fighting this with everything in me.” Lizzie said adamantly.

“I’m glad to hear you say this. It’s going take a everything both of us have to beat this. I am going to be with you every step of the way. I’m not going to leave your side for even a moment. My boss reluctantly granted me a personal leave this morning.” Shannon said.

“You didn’t have to take time away from work just for me. I wish you hadn’t done that. It might jeopardize your career.” Lizzie said frowning.

“I wanted to.” Shannon said frowning back. “Besides, I needed a break anyhow. All I have been doing for the past six months. It was time for me to slow down for a couple of weeks. My career will still be there when I get back. I want to be here with you right now. It’s where I belong.” Shannon tried to convince Lizzie.

“I just hate to see you put your career on the line like this. You have worked so hard to get where you are. It would be a shame for it to all be for nothing.” Lizzie tried again.

“I would rather spend my time with you. I can always find a new career. This time with you is priceless to me. Can we please talk about something else, something more cheerful?” Shannon tried to change the subject.

“I can’t tell you exactly what has changed but we are seeing dramatic changes in the size and number of your tumors. If things continue in this pattern, you should only need three more treatments. I have never seen this happen before. Your most recent results have all of us baffled.” The doctor said, shaking his head.

“Maybe It’s the power of positive thinking.” Lizzie said grinning.

“Whatever it is, keep it up because it’s working.” He said.

When they were alone the two women embraced. Tears flowed down both their cheeks. Neither of them spoke for several moments.

“I can’t believe all of this might be behind me in a few short weeks. It doesn’t seem possible.” Lizzie said as Shannon took her seat again.

“I can. I knew all along you were going to be okay.” Shannon returned.

“Thank you, Shannon. Thank you for believing in me and my future, even when I had lost faith. Thank you for not letting me give up. I couldn’t have made it through those dark days. I would have never survived without you supporting and pushing me.” Lizzie said locking her gaze on Shannon.

“You would have done the same thing for me. Besides, what are friends for?” Shannon said reaching out to squeeze Lizzie’s hand.

I’m not sure if I am ready for a change like this.” Lizzie said doubtfully.

“What do you mean?” Shannon asked puzzled.

“I mean I don’t know if I want to travel the world with you. My life has been in such an uproar this past year, I think I just want to get back to normal. Go back to work and try to move on with my life. Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate what you want to do for me but I really just want to go back to normal, or as close to it as I can get.” Lizzie replied.

“I understand but I wish you would reconsider. You would really enjoy seeing the world.” Shannon tried to convince her best friend.

“I don’t have to travel to see the world. This is the world for me, right where I live. Coming so close to death helped me to see that. I don’t need wealth glamour to make me happy. Happiness comes from appreciating what one has, not what I could have. Chasing after “haves and coulds” only makes a person miserable.” Lizzie said.

Shannon sat and watched the rain trickle down the window pane. Lizzie had gone to lie down still weak from the medicines used to fight her cancer.

Shannon wondered how drugs which made a person so sick and weak, could at the same time, do much good

Regretfully, Shannon had called her boss that afternoon to tell her she was ready to return to work. Lizzie had insisted she return, in order not to jeopardize her career. Shannon tried to reason with her best friend but Lizzie refused to hear it. Reluctantly, she had placed the call. Her boss had been overjoyed to hear of her return and immediately scheduled a meeting for early the next morning, to arrange sales trips for Shannon.

Grabbing her umbrella and coat, Shannon decided to run to the market to get things for dinner before Lizzie awoke.

The rain pattered on her umbrella and slid down her coat as she walked. Deep in thought she didn’t notice the man rushing down the sidewalk. In his hurry, he didn’t see Shannon. They collided, knocking both of them to the ground.

Shannon sat in the wet side walk for several moments, trying to regain her bearings.

Scrambling to his feet, the young man quickly extended his hand to help Shannon back to her feet.