“I’m sorry” he said, “If only there was more we could do. But we just don’t have the medical knowledge today to help.”

                “I understand” I said, my voice belying the way I felt. “I know if you could do more you would. How long does she have?” I asked, not wanting to hear the answer.

                “Not more than six months” he said, “eight at the most. If only she would not be blind for that time. She seems so full of life and it’s a shame that she can’t have her sight to enjoy what time is left.”

                Dr. Kober seemed as sad about the illness of Liz as I was. Who would have thought six months ago when she had the accident on her bike that in two months she would be blind and in a year she would be gone. All from a tumor on the brain that was in-operable. At ten years old she had her whole life ahead of her. It wasn’t fair.

                “Are you going to tell her?” he asked.

                “Yes” I told him, “but not for a while. I want her to enjoy the last few months of her life.”

                “I think you should tell her now, she will handle it better than you think.”

                “Yea, I know. But it is not so much that she shouldn’t know, its’ that I have to prepare myself I guess” I told him.

                “I can tell her if you like” he offered. “No I will do it, but thanks anyway” I replied.

                As I walked out of his office to where Liz was waiting I tried to sound cheerful, but my mood was not, and every since Liz lost her sight she has been more sensitive to other people’s moods.   She sensed my mood right away. “Bad news” she asked?

                “Yes” I barely managed.

                “Don’t worry, dad” she said “We’ll mange.” She was always happy and she managed to cheer me up in spite of the news I had just received. I was going to miss this happiness and we can do anything attitude. 

                Dr. Kober walked us to the door and said “come back and see me, remember there is always hope.”

                As we walked home we passed the park where Liz used to play all the time before the accident. I turned aside and we entered the park and found a place to sit under a spruce tree. I just sat there and stared at nothing, just remembering times past. How I used to sit there and watch Liz play and chase butterflies around. One day she caught one and brought it back to where I was and said, “Ain’t it pretty?” As we looked at it, it took off fluttering away like butterflies do, “Yes it is” I replied.

                Suddenly I was brought back to the present by Liz saying something. “I’m sorry honey, what did you say?”

                “Are butterflies still flying free?” she asked me. What could I say, I could barely find my voice, “Yes” I managed to say with my voice cracking.

                “Would you save one for me daddy?” she said, “I want to feel one and see one before I die and go to heaven.”

                At my silence she said, “I could hear you and the doctor talking.  Don’t worry, daddy, I’m not scared. I get to go see Jesus and God like we talk about in Sunday school.”

                I’m glad she knew about it and I know I was more scared about it than she was. I just hope I can keep a positive and sane mind during this.

                “Can I go play on the swings?” she asked. “Can you get there on your own?”

                “Yes” she answered, with some indignity at my having asked her. I knew she could, but it was still hard for me to let her go on her own.

                As I sat there watching her swing Gayle suddenly sat down beside me. We had been going together about a year now and she was the best thing to happen to me in a long time. She was around when Liz lost her sight and she had helped me get though that.

                “How did it go today?” she asked. As I told her about the doctor visit and what Dr. Kober had said, I broke down and started crying, I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Why…..why Liz” I said to nobody. “Why does this have to happen?”

                “I don’t know” Gayle said as we sat there, her holding on to me, “But Liz will not let it get her down and we must not either.”

                As we sat there I thought back to Liz’s birth, her growing up and to the accident, something that at the time seemed so innocent.   How she had had the wreck on her bike and had hit the back of her head as a result of the wreck. How when she got home she said she had a headache which never went away, it lasted for two days and then went away. But then about a month later she was complaining that she was having trouble seeing and when to the doctor they could not find anything wrong, but about a week later she was blind. 

                We tried everything we could, but not till they used a new device called an X-Ray did they see a mass in her brain that was not supposed to be there. Unfortunately in the 1930’s there was nothing they could do about it after they found it.  They told us that she would be alright if it did not grow or move, but that was what was happening now it was growing and there was nothing we could do about it. She only had six months to live.

                The time went by way too fast, since that day at the doctors’ office. There was not a lot of change till just the last month, now Liz was getting worse with every passing day. She does not say anything but I know she must be suffering terribly. She does not sleep well and I can see the pain in her face when she doesn’t think I am watching. Walking is becoming harder for her every day, and I can see how much it hurts her to walk.

                It has been four months since the day we found out. Dr. Kober has come by everyday to visit and I can see how frustrated he is by his inability to do anything about it. The people around town know what is happening and I know they would do anything to help, but their support is a great help at this time.

                Liz, even in with the illness getting her down more every day still manages to cheer people around her with her smile and her encouraging words. Doesn’t matter how she feels she always has something to say to somebody, when it should be us who are encouraging her and cheering her up. 

                It’s the first of June now and Liz is bed ridden. Even in that she still has a word for people who stop to visit. 

                We attended church before this happened, now it is too much for her to go so we stay home and read. The church has been praying for her as I have, but is seems as if nothing helps, God is on vacation or not listening.

                It is Sunday and Liz is sleeping, sort of. “She looks so peaceful, like there is nothing wrong.” I turn and Gayle was standing there.   I was so deep in thought I never heard her come in. 

                I did not answer what could I say, as she walked over and put her hands on my shoulders. 

                It would only be a matter of hours now before Liz was gone. It was a warm day and the window was open, the curtains moving in the breeze that was blowing through.   Dr. Kober had come to the house on his visit and was standing by Liz struggling with himself because there was nothing he could do.  

                It came through the open window and flew around the room, a monarch butterfly. Liz and I had studied them before she lost her sight, they fascinated her and she learned quickly about them and so did I.   It was brightly colored, the most gorjest butterfly I had ever seen.   How it got here I don’t know, this was not an area where they were found.

                It flew around the room and lit on Liz’s hand that was lying on her stomach. As it touched her hand she opened her eyes, she looked right at it and with her other hand she reached up and touched the soft velvet wings. She smiled as she touched it and you could see the light in her eyes, she could see. As she put her hand back down she said very softly, “Thank you Jesus” and with that she smiled, closed her eyes and was gone.

                The butterfly rose from her hand and lit on her cheek. It sat there for a minute as if to softly kiss her cheek and to say goodbye and then it flew out the window and was gone. Gone to finish a journey that God had diverted it from to tell a dying girl he was with her.

                We all stood there crying, crying big silent tears trying to understand all that had happened and not fully understanding. Understanding just enough to know that God had done something special in that room.

 

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