All the world’s troubles seem tame compared to mine.  I’m sitting here in a jail cell wondering where I went wrong.  Yesterday, I was enjoying a nice sunny day with my wife and kids, but it went straight to hell from there.  I was driving my family in a Caravan to Disneyland when this guy in a Chevy Suburban cut me off.  I was upset, but my wife, Laura, placed her hand in my lap to calm me down.  This worked for a little while, until the same guy started driving slow in front of me.  This normally doesn’t bother me because I could just switch lanes, but not this time.  We were in the left lane on the highway and all the other lanes were jam-packed.  The kids were in the back whining because we were going to be late to see Mickey.  I was just getting frustrated.  Then, the next lane over was starting to clear up, so I jumped right over.  I started to relax until this lane too slowed down.

     I decided to move back into the left lane.  I moved over, right in front of the same Suburban.  The guy started honking his horn and I could see through my rearview mirror he was flailing about, pissed.  I could care less; “an eye for an eye,” I always say.  I just nonchalantly flipped him off.  Laura immediately grabbed my arm and pulled it down, but it was too late.  The guy really got pissed.  He put both hands on the steering wheel and started to speed up.  Laura turned around and saw this and she started to freak.  I saw an opening in the next lane and bolted for it.  As I continued to drive, the Suburban passes on my left.  The guy rolled down his window and started shouting.  Since I had my windows up, I couldn’t hear.  I just sighed and just kept driving, but the guy would not stop.  He just kept shouting at me and honking the horn.  He began to swerve into my lane and I had to move over to the right, but I heard another horn and had to swerve back.  Passing on my right was an eighteen-wheeler.  The side-to-side motion was like a game to my kids; they were enjoying the ebb and flow of the Caravan. 

I was starting to sweat a lot; my armpits were getting damp.  The guy swerved into my lane again, but this time, the next lane was open so I was able to move.  The guy just continued to tail me, all this over a cut in lane, which he did first!  I decided to make a break for the next exit.  I saw my chance and bolted.  I crossed two lanes of traffic in one swoop, making Laura and the kids swing to the side, and made it up the off ramp.  I stopped as the light turned red and took a deep breath.  Before I could exhale deeply, I saw the Suburban in the rearview mirror speeding up to us.  I thought he was going to stop, but he wasn’t; he was gonna ram us!  What was I gonna do?  The light was still red, but this crazy jerk was speeding toward us.  I decided to run the red light.  I pushed out into oncoming traffic amid honking cars, screaming wife, and crying kids. 

“What the hell are you doing, Chris?  You’re gonna get us killed!” my wife screamed.

I ignored her and kept driving; I was too focused on getting rid of that guy.  I turned left on the road and sped.  I looked back and saw the Suburban was caught in traffic.  I finally had a chance to exhale completely.  Seeing McDonald’s, I decided that to calm everyone down, I’d take them there for now. I turned into the parking lot and parked.  Laura and the kids got out and were going inside when I saw the Suburban ripping down the road.

“Get the kids, inside NOW!” I yelled.

Laura took the kids inside as I hurried to get back in the Caravan.  I started fumbling with the keys.  I just couldn’t get the keys into the ignition.  I didn’t get another chance.  The guy swerved into McDonald’s; jumped out and stormed toward me.  I decided to man up and head toward him.

“So you thought it’d be fun to cut me off, huh?” The jerk asserted.

“Bastard, you cut me off first!  And then you had the nerve to start driving slow in front of me!”

“Oh?  And what was the finger about, huh?  I’m a teach you not to mess with K-Dog!”

K-Dog then started to pull something from his pants.  I saw something shiny and decided to jump on him before he had a chance to pull it out.  By the time I got to him, he had pulled the gun out, but it wasn’t aimed at me.  We started to grapple, with the gun pointed at the ground.  K-Dog was trying to move the gun in my direction as I was trying to do the same to him.  We both managed to move the gun above our heads then K-Dog moved the gun down, pointing it at my head.  I moved my head to my side as I fought to move the gun toward K-Dog.  The gun moved to our abdomens, then POP!  I felt intense heat on my hands.  I looked down and saw my hands were on the barrel of the gun.  I followed the barrel to the point.  The gun was pointed at K-Dog who slumped on me.  Instinctively, I pushed him off me and he went crashing to the ground.

I then looked around for any onlookers and there were.  I heard sirens screaming and instead of running, I just waited for the cops to arrive.  I told Laura and the kids to go to Disneyland without me; I’d settle this.  Laura took the keys and the kids and they drove off. 

The cops arrived, and I told them what happened, but they decided to take me in anyway, and that’s how I got here.  I wish I hadn’t told Laura to go on without me; I could sure use bail money right about now.