What is it about this man? Maybe it is the name that he was given at birth, maybe it’s the way he dresses or maybe, just maybe he is a true , down home redneck.

Billy-Jo-Bob-Frank is his first name, that’s right Billy-Jo-Bob-Frank inherited the names from all four of his fathers. Yep, four fathers. How can this be you ask? Well simple, all four of the men were patients at the local mayo clinic where they became donors of; oh you know what they donated. Anyway somehow, someway the donated fluids got mixed together to become one. One we know today as Billy-Jo-Bob-Frank, for simplicity sake we will call him “Sissy” since that is what he was called when he was a young lad in school, needless to say Sissy was nineteen when he finished sixth grade, he never continued his schooling, “There was no need to” Sissy explained, I have a job and I have a pick-up truck, what more could a man want?

            Let me put a little light on the life of Sissy, before he runs off his mouth and ruins the story, he has a habit of doing that, don’t you know. He always wants to be the center of all the attention. Sissy is not a little man by any sense of the word; he stands six feet, three inches tall and weights a whopping three hundred and twenty pounds. Sissy likes to wear the same clothes as mush as he can, most of the time you can see him wearing his undersized overalls, a flannel shirt, always red, and a pair of plastic coated, always shined cowboy boots that have a picture of his pickup truck glued to the top of each for easy viewing. Someone once asked him why he had a picture of his pick-up truck on his boots, he simply replied, “I don’t what someone to steal my truck, this way I can watch it all the time”.  Oh yes, lets not forget about Sissy’s hat, winter, spring, summer or fall, Sissy always wears his flap hat, you know it’s the kind with the flaps the flop down over the ears and is rounded in the front, when asked why he wears it all the time, Sissy is quick to answer, “your silly, you mean you don’t know, I wear it so that the deer can see me when I am hunting” Sissy likes to tell one of his long stories about his hunting trips, but we won’t go into the right now. As you have surmised, Sissy is a few pistons short of an engine, but he is one of the nicest guys you could ever meet, he would give you anything, except his pick-up truck and his clothes, which by the way you would not want anyway.

            Now Sissy’s pick-up truck is another story, Sissy loves his truck and you can tell by looking at it, the floor board is always covered with peanut shells and old stale French fry’s, the seats are covered with a very nice sheep skin, taken from a real sheep, but Sissy never cleaned or prepared the skin before putting it on the seat. The truck sports a very nice gun rake which holds his collection of guns, a very nice 30/30 Winchester and right below that hangs Sissy’s favorite, a Mattel long barreled BB gun. The outside of Sissy’s truck was another site, of course it had the usual four bald tires and a set of deer horns mounted on the hood, during Christmas time Sissy always decorates the horns with flashing Christmas lights and a Santa hat and played “Grandma got ran over by a reindeer” over the PA system of his Navajo 12 channel CB Radio as he drives through town.

            The back of Sissy’s pick-up truck was loaded with his collection of beer cans, when he was feeling angry, Sissy would reach in the back and crush a few aluminum cans with his bear hands. Sissy’s multi-colored bond-o-ed truck was the light of his life. Although Sissy always wished for a new truck since his was getting full.

            Sissy is a hard workingman; he has worked at the same place for twenty years now, Sissy can be found there seven days a week, eight or mores hours a day. “The Take-All Fueling Station” which is located conveniently on the outside of town near I-34 and the expressway. Sissy has a prestige position as the head gas pumper. It took Sissy a few years to secure his position, for many years Sissy was in charge of checking the tire pressure on the big rigs. One day Sissy grabbed the wrong hose and attempted to fill a tire with water, not much harm in that, except it was twenty degrees out and the water froze making the entire lot an instant ice-rink. Sissy and the customers had a very hard time standing up because the lot sloped down hill.  Sissy’s job was to remove the gas caps and put the nozzle in the tank, everything beyond that was controlled by the clerk inside the station. And believe me, it’s a good thing since Sissy has a hard time with counting and concentrating on his job. But nonetheless, Sissy is dearly loved by all of his customers; he makes them laugh by telling them the same old joke about why the chicken crossed the road, over and over again. You think Sissy might need a small vacation? I think he is due for at least one.

            Sissy lived in a run-down shack hidden in the trees with his hound dog bubba-mutt. Bubba-mutt was almost as large as Sissy; they both enjoyed eating and watching late night TV. One night while Sissy was driving home, he stopped at the Dew-spill inn and ordered dinner to go for him and bubba-Mutt. While he was waiting for his order, Sissy ordered a beer and sat at the end of the bar. Sissy asked the bartender the time and she politely said, “It’s almost eight-o’clock Sissy”. “Oh my god, I have to hurry home, can you please rush my order?” within moments the bartender gave Sissy his order; he paid the tab and left a twenty dollar tip for the bartender. Sissy grabbed his order and bolted out to his pick-up truck, what was the big hurry anyway? Well Sissy did not want to miss his favorite TV show “The Brady Bunch re-runs”. Which he watches every night with his dog bubba-mutt while they eat the same old thing for dinner, Chili and cornbread with a side of applesauce. As you can imagine the chili beans had an adverse effect on both Sissy and bubba-mutt and when it happened they would both look at each other and then run for the door. Sissy raced home in his truck, he only had thirty minutes to get home. This time Sissy decided to take the back roads home, they were more than a little bumpy, these roads were old horse trails, but hey, they were roads to Sissy.

            Sissy made it home in record time, although he ran over six small trees, drove threw a haystack and almost got stuck in the middle of the lower mud river. One thing about Sissy, he knew how to drive his truck. As Sissy pulled into the yard he was greeted by bubba-mutt wagging his behind, he tried to wag his tail but since Sissy shot part of it off in a hunting accident a few years back, bubba-mutt’s tail never worked right again. Sissy and bubba-mutt ran into the house, Sissy grabbed a six-pack of beer out of the broken down refrigerator and quickly sat down and turned on the television. The reception on the television was not real clear so Sissy got up and adjusted the coat hanger antenna that he had made into rabbit ears some time back. Within moments the reception was crystal clear and the Brady-Bunch was just starting.

            Sissy popped open a beer and poured some in the bowl for bubba-mutt, then he opened up the dinners and placed then on the coffee table which was made out of an old tire with a piece of plywood for a top. Sissy began singing the Brady-Bunch song as it played on the television, “here’s the story of a man named Brady” old bubba-mutt began howling as Sissy continued to sing. Sissy and bubba-mutt watched the show until the commercial came on, “I hate commercials” Sissy said as he kicked off his boots, bubba-mutt barked at the smell so Sissy got up and open the door. “My God, what’s that smell?” Sissy said as he sat back down on the old plaid couch, Sissy laughed and said, “Ah, it’s that darn dog again” not thinking that the smell was coming from his own feet.

            The commercial that was on the television was one that Sissy would never forget it was a contest commercial. “ Be the first caller to correctly name all of the characters on the Brady-Bunch and win a five day trip to Las Vegas, one-thousand dollars spending money and a chance to win a new Dodge truck, call now 1-555-Gambler”. Sissy grabbed the phone and dialed, it took him a few minutes to figure out the letters on the phone, but he did. The line was busy so Sissy tried again, this time the phone rang, Sissy knew the answer to the question but when the person on the other end answered, Sissy froze up like a lake in January.

            The lady on the other end said, “You have ten seconds to answer or we go to the next caller” Sissy took a deep breath and rattled off the answer so fast that the lady asked him to repeat it; Sissy had answered correctly and had won the trip to Las Vegas. Sissy gave the lady the required information and he was told that a package would arrive in his mailbox within a few days.

            Sissy was so happy that he danced with bubba-mutt around the house, kicking over the beer cans that were setup on the floor to catch the drips of rainwater that leaked from the roof, Sissy didn't care though, it was not the first time that he had ever won anything, But it was the first time that Sissy would ever left his own county. Well Sissy started thinking about going, it scared him, but yet he was excited about winning that new truck, it was something that he had always wanted.

               Sissy opened another beer and sat back down on the run-down red and orange plaid sofa, then the phone rang, “I wonder who that would be” sissy thought to him self, “no one ever calls me”. Sissy answered that phone, it was his long lost brother Bobby-Jo-Frank, “hey I see you won the contest,” he said even before saying hello. Sissy was happy to hear from his brother, it had been almost ten years since they talked. “Yeah, I won, is that just my luck?” Bobby-Jo-Frank went on to congratulate his brother and told him that he was down at the Dew-Spill Inn having a beer.  Sissy told him that he would be right down, Bobby-Jo-Frank agreed to wait for Sissy so that they could share a few of the good ol’ days.

            Now Bobby-Jo-Frank was not much different than Sissy, he has three of the same fathers that Sissy has but he did finish school when he was twenty-three, Bobby-Jo-Frank works in the bank, not as a banker, but as a janitor. But he was happy to be working and he loved being around all that money. Bobby-Jo-Frank was not real happy with his name, so he decided that an appropriate nickname for himself was a simple “Bo”.

            Meanwhile, Sissy put his boots back on and headed for the Dew-Spill Inn, he was happier about seeing his brother than he was about winning the trip. As Sissy entered the front door of the Dew-spill Inn, he was greeted with a big round of applause and a big hug from his long lost brother. Something about Jo, he always seemed to appear out of the woodwork when something good happened to Sissy, the last time he saw Jo was when he won the State lottery for 3.5 million dollars ten years ago.

            People always wondered why Sissy did not live like a king with all that money, little did they know, but Sissy had given away most of the money to needy children. But he had build up a very large nest egg of his own, and the only other person that knew about it was the bank and his brother Bo who by the way had taken over one hundred thousand dollars out of his brothers account over the past ten years. Sissy knew what was going on so he had the bank set it up so that Bo thought he was doing something underhanded, but in reality the money was there for him anyway.

            Sissy sat down next to his brother and they shared a beer, laughing about what Sissy had won, Bo said, “Why don’t you just buy a new truck, your rich?”  Sissy looked at him and removed his hat to scratch his head and replied, “because it’s the banks money” “No-No-No” Bo said, “the money is yours, the bank is just holding it for you”. Sissy did not understand the concept of banking so he answered with “Oh.” 

 Hope you enjoyed this little section of Redneck Gambler.