An author here at The Den posted a message/comment with regard to the letter I posted, “A Letter to a Man I Wish I Knew” that I’ll include here:
“Tami, I read this and I have printed it out for a friend of mine. You see, he is an adopted child and he has a lot of difficulty coming to terms with the 'abandonment' factor. I have tried (in vain I must add) to tell him not to judge his mother. She probably had problems of her own to deal with. I could not explain to him what I was trying to say. Thank you. For now, through your courageous words, I will tell him that he should never feel he was abandoned. He was loved, Then …and Now.”
Please allow me this space to respond to him. Thanks, Tami
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December 8, 2003
This morning, I received the following message from Aneeta Sundararaj; I just wanted to add it to this post. (Aneeta also wrote the preceding message on December 3, 2003.) Thanks. ~Tami
"Dear Tami, Your words are kind and deeply appreciated. I must say, I was stunned that you had used my message to write another article. I see that you did not mention my name as the author of the note. In truth, if you had, I would not have minded. But the manner in which you wrote that article in reply was lovely. You have all my support in this matter. Now...and always. You are welcome to put this note at the end of your article if you so wish. Do keep in touch. Aneeta" (aneeta sundararaj)
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Dear Adoptee,
Your friend told me that you’ve been struggling to come to terms with the understanding of your being adopted. I pray that something I say here might afford some understanding and acceptance on your part.
I have personally been through some difficult and humbling experiences in my life, and if I told you of them, you’d surely agree that some of them have not made my journey an easy one. I don’t tell you this in search of pity; I tell you this only to seek some level of understanding. My decision to place my newborn son with adoptive parents was, absolutely, one of the most difficult decisions I have ever – will ever – make in my lifetime. Some twenty-nine years later, it still causes me great pain.
I’m not able to search for the son I gave birth to, and I can only hope and pray that, one day, he’ll search for me. If so, I’ll embrace the opportunity. If he doesn’t, I accept that, albeit with saddened heart. For some, privacy is of comfort and, if he chooses not to contact me, I respect his decision not to do so – I only want to connect with him if it is on his terms and it is what he wants.
Regardless, I would never, never want to interfere with his relationship with his adoptive family; it is they who had desperately wanted him, long before he was born. It is they who have loved him, provided for him, and given him a solid foundation. It is they who have afforded him his growth: physically, educationally, spiritually, and emotionally.
I hope you’ll continue reading; I’d like to share something further with you:
I am presently a Counselor/Advocate for victims of abuse (both physical abuse and sexual assault). During the course of my week, I spend many hours at our shelter where women have come from, most times, extremely difficult circumstances into a safe haven. I also spend many hours a day counseling with women, both in our physical shelter and, also, with many who have not yet found the strength to leave their abuser.
There is currently a woman in our shelter who has four children; she is now pregnant with a fifth. She had been in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship with a man who insisted that she remain “barefoot and pregnant”, and that is but a small example of his controlling behavior over her for far too many years. After all, if she were always pregnant, no other man would want her, right? (And if no other man would want her, she had no reason to leave.) She has never maintained a job and has no skills. She is currently on cash assistance and food stamps, and we provide food and shelter for her and her children.
She has been in our shelter for five months. One year is the maximum we will be able to physically house her and her children. Under her present circumstances (cash assistance as her only means of income, no job, and four children), even if she is able, during the course of one year, to save enough money toward an apartment, it will be nearly impossible for her to maintain those living circumstances for long, and if she is able to do so, it will not likely be maintained with quality.
Her parenting skills are minimal, to say the least of it. When I witness her with her children, I feel pain for the children, because mother doesn’t have enough patience and love to go around. The children lack discipline and, clearly, they desperately seek love and attention. We work diligently with this mother and her children, and we encourage her to attend parenting classes nearby. These services are free to her, but it seems each week as the Tuesday evening class approaches, something prevents her from attending. (This week, her youngest had a fever.)
As I watch this mother with her children, I see the pain and frustration she wears on her face daily. Surely, she wants to be a better mother than she is; no one strives to be a bad parent. But so very often, victims of abuse are in their circumstances because their existence has been a learned experience – many times, they come from abusive homes and have grown, as children, into accepting abusive patterns as a way of life. They know no other.
This mother is considering adoption, because she wants a better life for her unborn child. If she decides to keep the baby, the child will certainly live the life of his/her brothers and sister – one of poverty, struggle, and one of “getting by”. If another family adopts the child, the child will have so much more: primarily, that of a loving, healthy family – beyond that, all things are possible.
When counseling with this woman, I’m careful not to attempt to sway her one way or another. I can only offer her information, insight and, if asked, guidance. Regardless of her decision, I’ll support her. The most important thing I maintain, steadfastly, is that whatever her decision, she must be comfortable with it. And, regardless of her decision, there will be pain that accompanies it.
Surely, all biological mothers’ circumstances at the time of their pregnancy are different. The only thing that remains the same is the fact that all biological mothers ultimately make their decision based on one thing… what they believe, in their heart, will be best for their unborn child. And this last statement is not a personal justification:
The decision to place a child for adoption is a selfless one and is made with great love.
This touches me I was given up for adoption when I was 5 months old I found my birth mother in 2005 when I was 40 years old I started searching for her in 1999 and found her in 2005 it took that long because I belive God new when we would be ready to meet. I write aboout her in my pages. I was adopted into an abusive home and I used to blame my birth mother for it but through years of therapy and growing up I found out it was not her fault at all she did what she thought was best for me. I thank you for writing this and sharing about this Tami you have lots of wisdom it shows through your writing. I want to keep track of your new writings so to understand you better thanks so much for sharing this online.
Hugs Angela
Hi Tamy,
I read your letter and found it very nice and touching. You are right you cannot in any way influence this lady in her decision to give up her child. If she makes that decision, she will feel enough pain over the years without having the added weight of wondering if she allowed herself to be swayed.
This truly brought tears to my eyes. What a wonderful gift you have given these people...and strangers too! Thank you!
CKT
Reviewed by Joe McCarthy
6/12/2004
My nephew is not adopted, but my sister never told him that her husband is really his stepfather. I am worried about how it will affect him when he finds out. He is 19 years old now.
Reviewed by Divinity 11
1/6/2004
this is so amazing...
i must commend your work! i fear my shoulder's aren't strong enough to carry the burdens of so many others nor is my heart big enough to hold the tears, so i pray for more of both
i get upset enough just over the general things i see on the news and in the world without going to work at it everyday....
the documentary im working on is a way of facing my own demons, but also helping others face theirs and overcome them...
jessica
aka
gypsie
A wonderful letter, Tami. I'm sure it will touch many hearts seeking solace. Life is never as simple as we would like it to be, is it? Answers too often complex. Learning to love for the abused, themselves and others, can be surprisingly difficult, yet sometimes to let go is the greatest act of love possible. Thank you for the perspective.
Your loving heart really shines here, Tami. And I think your letter might just help more than a few adoptees and battered women through some difficult times.
This is a deeply moving piece, I am so glad you share dit here God Bless
~Michelle~
Reviewed by Kate Clifford
12/5/2003
These thoughts touch me deeply. My brother is adopted and I thank the Spirit daily for him being in my life. If it was not for the uncondional love the a woman had to give him up I would of never had the pleasure of calling him my brother. This man, my brother just helped me through a very difficult situation this past week. He is always there for me when I need him the most. I cannot imagine my life without the experience. I will always be grateful to his Bio mother for giving us this opportunity. Also while I was in a hospital having my second child I meet a young mother that was giving up her baby. She was too young to be a mother but wiser then most people I have known. She knew she was too young and she wanted the best for this child and give this child up out of love. Because of her this child is now in a home where parents who would not be able to be parents can love this child. I watched her heart break each night as she cryed. She loved this child. I know some mothers may not care but I think it is important to remember there are many more that do and they have something few of us will ever experience and that is the gift of unconditional love. Thank you so much for your letter and sharing!
I met Jerome on a busy city street in Baltimore, Maryland, when he was forty-five years old. On that particular day, I was out and about, enjoying a much-needed day off from work.
I wanted to purchase a sukiyaki sub. I parked my car in an area of
The e-book version of Sam Vaknin's "Malignant Self - Love - Narcissism Revisited". Contains the entire text: essays, frequently asked questions and
appendices regarding pathological narcissism and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
