Weaning the Possum

For people who do not live, or have never been exposed to southern USA, let me share a story.

Most of these folks consider someone that lives down here as ignorant, or inbred, or just plain stupid. Thanks to Hollywood, Southerners are seen as racist and backward bigots, with no intelligence whatsoever. However, they can’t deny that a southerner will tell you the best stories. It is why many of the best song and script writers are southern.

Well, to enlighten the masses I thought I’d start by asking if any of those so-called genius’ out there would ever consider building a possum trap?  I mean come on, you have to be smarter than a possum to trap one don’t you? You might be thinking ‘What did he say?” and I would reply that I don’t chew my cabbage twice.

I’m going to share a story about a little girl. Back in the day, folks had to live off the land. You ate what the Lord provided you.  At this period and time this little girl was watching her momma nurse the baby with interest.  “Momma, I want to nurse him some!” she asked

“You’re too young child, and you need breasts..’sides this here is your brother and you have to nurse your own child” her momma replied.

“When do you stop nursin’ him?” She asked . Her momma said

“Well, when he gets teeth, we’ll wean him then’

“why?” asked the girl

“get on out of here child you are botherin me with all your question!”

So, being as she was somewhat rebuked by her momma, in typical southern female fashion, she made up her mind that she was going to nurse her something, breasts or no breasts. So she played at nursing with her doll…but it wasn’t the same because the doll showed no satisfaction.  There had to be something she could nurse, something that would satisfy her need to nurture, so she came up with the idea of trying to find her something live….then an idea came to her….

She began her quest and searched the nearby swamp for some critter that may be worthy of her need to nurture…and she came across her daddy’s possum trap. Looking in there, she saw this mean white faced possum with a mean on! He was just a hissing and carrying on, real mean and nasty like…but she knew it was all show…all she had to do was spook him and he’d feint and then she’d have her something to nurse!...So she slid back the trap door and grabbed him by the tail. Now the reader may be asking ‘Why the tail?” To which I would reply “Because he has teeth you moron!”

 She grabs Mr. Possum by the tail and sure enough, he folds his arms up nicely and takes him a little nap, feinting right there on the spot, dangling by his tail. For people who do not know, possums are marsupials…that means they are different than most mammals and have a pouch to rear their young, just as kangaroos do. The only American marsupial, Mr. Possum is also genetically anemic. This anemia makes him feint when frightened, which is misunderstood to be faking sleeping. It is where the adage ”playing possum” comes from when people feign sleep. This anemia is short lived…of course the little girl, not knowing this bit of information took it to mean that Mr. Possum needed to be nursed.

So she jumped up on a cypress knot and stuck Mr. Possum to her chest, cradling him in her arm just like she had seen her momma do. She was swaying him back and forth and singing that possum some of her favorite nursery tunes.  She looked down at that possum and he had the sweetest grin on his face…and the world was perfect…

Now this cypress knot was right next to the road and the preacher man was out and about in his carriage and heard the sweetest song coming from over yonder and snickered his horse towards that direction, coming up on this little girl singing so angelically. As he got closer he realized that she was clutching some kind of varmint to her chest…and he pulled up right away The preacher man blinks his eyes and gawks at her for a second…wiping his spectacles clean

“Young lady! What in tarnation is that morbid looking rascal you got ahold of there?!” He demanded.

Now , she held Mr. Possum even closer to her chest, defensively and repled “A possum! I’m a nursin’ this here possum!”

“Why you are way too young to be nursin’ a possum or anything else! What are you going to do with him?”

About this time Mr. Possum is done with his nap…and comes to …and what do you think he beholds right in front of his beady eyes?  If you guessed a prebuscent nipple…you get the prize!...Being as he was a possum, a wild animal, instinct from eons of evolution made him an opportunist…so he threw back his jaws as just as the little girl was continuing her banter with the preacher man…he chomped down HARD on that enticing delicacy that had presented itself to him.

At this point the little girl let out a bellow that would make a gutshot banshee sound like a whimper “Waaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Oh Lord! Oh Lord!” She bawled as she stood up with Mr. Possum hanging off her…The preacher man seeing all and trying to calm his horse, was convinced that she had become possessed by Lucifer himself. The horse was whinnying and jumping around in its tracings…the preacher was hard on the reins trying to calm him, and the little girl, rest her soul, was running around that cypress knot in circles “It’s got me! It’s got me! Waaaaaaaaaahhhhh! Oh lord this thang has got me!” 

The preacherman calms his horse down and she is still there running in place…both feet just a going. Mr. Possum, he aint let go…rather preferring to try and remove this here “worm” from its hole and puts both hands on her chest and draws his head back…pulling harder and harder, trying to get that tasty nubbin to release…just a working her.

Now things have gone from bad to worse for the little girl…and she grabs that possum by the tail lifts him up…but he isn’t being deterred and much to her chagrin clamps down even tighter and begins to work her with both front paws, pushing whilst bringing his head back and forth.

“Oh Lawd! This thang…it won’t stop! Oh Lawdy Lawd! it hurts! It hurts! …Waaaaahhhhh! Help me! Oh Please help me!” she is bawling like the dogs never came home..

Well, the preacher man, being a gentleman and all, couldn’t just sit there and watch this poor little girl suffer…so off his carriage he goes and thrashes Mr. Possum with his riding crop. Mr. Possum, looking at the preacher man with one eye closed , realized his predicament and decided the nubbin wasn’t worth the beating he was getting and let go and fell to the ground…instantly feinting once again.

“Quick! Help me catch him!” said the Little girl…The preacherman stood there amazed…”WHY, ON EARTH, after all of that you just went through would you want to catch him?” asked the preacher.

The little girl, looked at him like he had lost all his senses and said “I got to WEAN him- He gots teeth!”….