Help! There’s a Man Stuck in Our Septic Tank.

The muffled cries for help seemed very distant and was likely yet another  trapped or lost calf or deer in Dry Creek. Whatever it was Joel Burke was prodded by his wife Joyce  to take his truck along  Mill road and search out the poor beast.

Joel, tired from a full day of farming, whistled for his shepherd mix Gruff to ride along. The dog worked around the clock watching over the cattle but was always up for a truck ride.

The shepherd made his way to the truck after giving a wide berth to the unseen, buried septic tank. He whined before entering the truck but the loud engine drowned out his alarm cry.

Spot light on, Joel bounced along the rutted mill road that ran parallel to Dry Creek. Barbed wire had trapped it’s share of deer, calves and even dogs over the years. Not owning this piece of land Joel was hesitant to remove the useless fence. Rusted wire and rotten posts. Not right to keep a safety hazard like that near the creek.

Gruff kept his head out of the window the entire trip, as was his custom: his tongue rolling from side to side releasing a steady flow of dog spit. Joel laughed at the simple things that made the old boy happy.

After a good hour the duo headed home in the dark with a country station doing it’s best to to send it’s static signal to the trucks radio. Joel sang along, off key; Gruff kept his head outside the window.

Back at the house emergency lights, police, ambulance and paramedics were everywhere. Joel’s first thought was Joyce. Jumping from the truck he heard Joyce in the small crowd. “ Over here babe. You’re not gonna believe this one.”

Running to Joyce Joel noticed Big Bubba and Sons Septic and Waste truck parked in the front lawn. Big Bubba was shouting orders. The sheriff was on his radio shouting his own commands.

“ What the hell...?” Joel got this much out as a backhoe dug into his yard. Big Bubba approached, a concerned look creasing his fat face.

“ Hey Joel. Listen I know this is a surprise to you like everyone else and seeing as how it’s your property I was just wondering about the bill.”

“ What bill? What the hell you all doing?”

“ Damn Joel. You all got a man stuck in your tank. Can’t just leave him down these. Poor son a bitch.” Bubba looked a little confused as he counted the dollars that would come in on this one.

Joel, now completely confused, looked into his wife’s eyes and grabbed her gently by the shoulders. “ Joyce, what the hell is going on? Big Bubba is saying a man is stuck in our septic tank. That’s impossible.”

“ I know, but somehow there is a man down these and Bubba’s sons are scooping out the tank now. The sheriff said we would probably be sued. Maybe even arrested.”

“ Bullshit! I’ll eat my hat if some son of a bitch is in that tank. I’m the one going to sue someone. Everyone. Bastards.”

“ Easy babe. The tank is being hauled up now. Crazy.”

With the concrete tank firmly placed on the lawns center Big Bubba and sons began to jackhammer the septic tank to pieces. After ten minutes a tall thin man covered in horrid goop walked out into the yard, shook himself off, and walked away down the long country drive. Before he was out of earshot he turned and screamed: “ This isn’t over buddy. Not by a longshot.” He then walked until the darkness concealed him.

Approaching Joel, the sheriff, after offering apologies, handcuffed the bewildered farmer. “ Should be more careful Joel. I’m afraid you’re in a heap of shit here. Maybe Joyce too. Get you out of here before the little crowd here comes after you. Damn shame.”

end  

Post Script - The total bill from Bubba and Son’s was just shy of seven-thousand dollars. It’s still being contested in court by Joyce who divorced Joel for his irresponsible actions. [ if any ]