Bob’s story

            The first time I met Bob was on March 31. He was friendly, gray-haired and in his mid-sixties and a heavy smoker. I could see the concern on his face. Bob told me about his Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Bob quit smoking when he received his diagnosis. The doctors biopsied the tumors in his lungs. Nervous about the results of his biopsy he hopes that tumors are benign. Bob was like many veterans I met, struggling with his experience in Vietnam. The ugliness of war scars the soul as Agent Orange ravages his body.

            Bob told me, “I believe in God my own way.”

            Bob is suffering from an unknown spiritual injury. At this point in my ministry, my purpose is to be present for Bob and listen to him. My goal is to earn Bob’s trust.

            The next time I visited Bob, he told me the tumors in his lungs were cancerous and that they metastasized from an unknown origin. Bob struggled to catch his breath. He said; “I feel so alone. I feel abandoned by God. Chaplain, you just don’t know how alone I feel.”

            Bob not only suffered physically but also spiritually. Bob did not complain about his difficulty breathing, but of his aloneness, his feelings of abandonment by God. Bob was searching for God in the depth of his abyss of despair. Bob was seeking hope. Bob needed his death to have meaning. Bob was seeking reassurance of God’s promise of salvation and eternal life. I prayed with him and anointed him with oil for healing.

“Are any among you sick? They should call for the elders of the church and have them pray over them, anointing them with oil in the name of the Lord. ¹⁵ The prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise them up; and anyone who has committed sins will be forgiven. ¹⁶ Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective (James 5:14-16 NRS).”

I met with Bob again on April 8^th. He stated he is in pain and still feels abandoned by God. He was still searching for meaning in his sufferings. He did not want to die. We spoke about his feelings, and in this conversation, I learned that Bob was a baptized in the Lutheran Church. Because Bob was a Lutheran it enabled me to be more direct in my approach to him. I reminded him of the promises of God given to him in baptism.

            We explored the possibility of God’s presence in his suffering: God is present even though he may not experience God’s presence. I asked him to trust God’s promises. I knew it would take time for Bob to become aware of God’s presence in his suffering.

            The next time I met with Bob was on April 14^th. I responded to a “Rapid Response” [i] to Bob’s room. Bob complained of being short of breath (SOB), and he had a high heart rate. I spoke with Bob as he went for a CT scan (Computed Tomography). I shared with him words of assurance and encouragement. Bob responded; “Thanks.”

            I met with Bob the next day. Bob was in pain and apprehensive about his upcoming chemotherapy. “They got the formula wrong before, and it really screwed me up.” Bob also said he was sad because his friend could not come to visit. He said that when he spoke to her last on the phone, they both cried because she could not come.

            Bob still feels alone; “Chaplain, I know I said this before, but I still feel alone. You just can’t know how I feel.” Here Bob finally opened up and revealed he had no family and only the one friend, the woman who could not come to visit. Bob says he is grateful to the staff and the chaplains because they are his only support. He continues to feel abandoned by God but has been thinking about what we discussed. He continues to search for God in his suffering.

            During this visit, I felt the timing was right to begin the conversation with Bob to give him hope and assurance of God’s unconditional love. We talked about what happened on the cross when Jesus, the Son of God, in his suffering and death went where God could not go before – death. On the cross, Jesus became the brother of all who suffer, the marginalized, the outcasts and the dead.

            I asked him; “When was the last time you had Holy Communion?” Bob stated that it was a long time ago. We celebrated Holy Communion. I also gave him a Mantram I thought would be helpful for him at this point in his search for God in his suffering; “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me.”

            Bob prayed this mantram as I held is hand. I had been holding his hand for about half an hour when I sensed a change in Bob’s body language. I witnessed the tension within him begin to melt away. It was not long before he stopped the mantram and said to me; “For the first time in a long time I am starting to feel God’s presence.”

            That day was a joyous day for me because Bob finally experienced God’s presence in his suffering which gave meaning to his suffering. As I left, Bob said to me; “God bless you, and I love you.”

            I continued to follow up with Bob on the Hematology and Oncology Unit. He never felt abandoned by God again. Saddened that his female friend could not visit him in the hospital but Bob understood her reasoning. Their friendship is like that of a brother and sister. But she was married, and the husband did not want her to see Bob.

            After many visits, wading into Bob’s spiritual swamp, I am thankful for the privilege of journeying with him in his spiritual search to find God in his suffering. On May 17^th Bob slipped into a coma and transferred to the Intensive Care Unit. Bob died peacefully on May 18^th.

            In suffering, keeping hope alive is essential to bring meaning into your life. Rely on your faith, trust in God’s promise to be with you in your suffering, and you will be able to keep hope alive!