Valentine’s Day, though joyful for romantics, can prove hopelessly confusing for some.  Not everyone is fortunate enough to be in a positive relationship on February 14.  And for those who aren’t, these can be troubling times.  Even people who are casually dating struggle to get through the day without sending the wrong message. 

Not yet sure if he or she is “the one?”  Then I’d recommend a quick jaunt out of town.  Nothing else can insure this occasion won’t wreck your future.  One false move, one misconstrue d card inscription, one wrong-colored flower, and you could find yourself committing to the kind of relationship you never intended.

If you think I’m kidding, just ask my husband.  He gave me a necklace on our first Valentine’s Day together.  Two months later we were engaged.

Guys struggling to choose appropriate gifts for their sweethearts should simply buy chocolates.  But pay attention to the details.  White chocolate won’t take you very far.  Milk chocolate is better.  And if you want to win a gal’s “goodness,” opt for imported, dark cocoa truffles.   

An Italian study revealed that women who eat chocolate are more sexually active than those who don’t similarly indulge.  This definitively explains why women on diets don’t smile.

One reason so many females love chocolate is that it contains caffeine and other ingredients known to stimulate arousal and trigger pleasure centers in the brain (and possibly elsewhere).  However, you must be careful when selecting chocolate candy containers.  It’s critical that you pick the right size.  The shape, color, and morsel quantity often have an effect on the recipient’s desires.  Chocolates can be found packaged in red, pink, and yellow heart-shaped boxes.  Yet beware; assortments run the full spectrum, from the smallest six-ounce “sampler” to the five-pound “who-needs-a-man” bulk carton.    

Personally, I think it’s best to appeal to all the senses.  So I’d recommend the chocolates to perk up her taste buds and maybe some lilac scented soaps and candles to enchant her olfactory receptors.  Buy your lady a silk robe so she’ll feel luxurious.  For visual intrigue, give her a photo of you doing something sexy (like helping with the laundry or taking out the trash).  And finally, sidle up close to her and whisper in her ear, “I paid off the MasterCard.”

If that doesn’t work, then hold a mirror underneath her nose—to see if she’s breathing.