The aging process did take its toll, both on the physical body and with that his emotions were effected. But he never lost sight of what he had planned. This passion is being passed on daily, through our own feelings.
It was Sunday morning and the sun felt warm as it shined through the cool windows. My insides retained a certain amount of that comfort, but yet I felt sad and slightly down. Something was missing, but I wasn’t quite sure what. I have been fighting a headache all week but never to the point of taking anything for it. This feeling has stayed with me for a few days.
I knew spring was coming and for some reason my life had always been hard during this transition. It went back to my early childhood days, but there was something different about today. I couldn’t put my finger on why, but it felt real. I have learned to accept all this, because it’s a part of me, more like a mental block we all have experienced. Some years it becomes more intense then others, but today it feels different.
Trying to forget this powerful mood, I attempted hard to concentrate on the sun beating on my back. As the warmth extended deeper into my body, it finally reached me and the thoughts of my father returned. This became my new focal point and with that a vibrant source of energy emerged.
I asked myself. Could he be here with me? Is he sensing the pressures of my life today? Or has he become apart of a greater design? I really would like to feel that he is here with me, watching over me. If that was true , how would I ever know?
My mind normally wouldn’t accept this type of thinking, but today for some strange reason it was different. I worked hard to pull myself out of this new awareness, because I knew life was only for the living. But lately I did find it hard to keep on functioning without him.
What happened was quite simple. I no longer can ask for his guidance, but maybe somehow I would feel what his answer would be.
Right now it made me think how hard he worked during the last few years, preparing our family for this week. I am now sure more then ever that he lived with a lot of pain, this must have caused some of his mood swings and struggles with Mom.
Watching him turn his strong emotions into joy and happiness especially when he saw us all together left an impression on of us, but not until now do I see it. We couldn’t figure out why the tears flowed so easy when certain things happened.
The aging process did take its toll, both on the physical body and with that his emotions were effected. But he never lost sight of what he had planned. This passion is being passed on daily, through our own feelings. What an influence my father had on us all. He did not stop with the family, he made everyone he touched a part of him, because he treated all people equally.
I can remember when they moved down south. This had to be a part of his master plan. He wanted to show us all that by moving away we would not only get used to not seeing him, but live a normal life.
This is how it started that long preparation phase of our separation. He was sharp and I was convinced at the time that there had to be more to come. I learned that to be true , it was all for our benefit.
Once down south his mind was set. He would never come back east, his home. This was especially hard during our first Xmas. Why did he tell us during our last Xmas together, that this would be the last one as one family unit? We all said, no way, we would celebrate many more years together.
Near the end, he sacrificed himself for the feelings of what would happen vrs what was happening. The shock was almost unbearable, but we overcame it knowing that he was happy.
I remember how strained our feelings were. As it turned out, it was the first time in our lives that we as a family had to spend Xmas without both of our parents. He not only guided us near the end of his life, but he made sure we learned to live without him.
Memories come clearly back because he did come to our homes one time during the summer and it was his last visit. What was strange about that, he came up by himself. He never went anywhere without my mother. What he made sure was to stay with each one of us. As it turned out, this was his last visit with us. Which of course we had no idea at the time, but I did have this strong feeling that maybe time was getting close. We spent many hours talking about his life and how happy he had been with us all.
He was a loving, caring father, and he knew at the end that his life was over. All he ever expected of us was simple, we should care about each other and treat everyone we touched with respect and caring. We learned to accept not only life, but death in the same light, even though we didn’t understand it at the time.
I have become aware of these feelings lately, especially in my own direction of life, with my family. Clearly at this point, I am still searching for what I am, not so much where I am going. Emotionally I am a mess, physically I feel good, spiritually I am on sound ground, but I need some reason to keep going. I am looking for something beyond what I am and it is not clear as to what that means.
This leaves me with a question. How can I influence myself and accept the pain of what I have? Now this brings me to the greatest lesson I ever learned from my father. He accepted both the physical and emotional pain without any complaining. Teaching by his example, he showed me the way. So I have to accept my own emotional pain. It is best for the betterment of others, not only for the selfishness of myself. I must give a lot of credit to my Dad, he took action regardless of consequences and it worked.
So it becomes important in my struggle of personal satisfaction and long term stability. Because conflict of the spirit and human acceptance, brings that new life. The sacrifice he made will surely give him one of the many Gods’ graces, peace. I just hope I have half the foresight, when I have to make my plans.
Sadly, my own father was taken too soon. He had made plans too, but they involved providing for his family and projecting into the future rather than tying loose ends.
You have told me before that a story you wrote is not about your life. This one certainly seems like it is. If not, it's a story that gives one a great deal think about. I often wonder why my father did the things he did as he retired and moved toward the end of his life.
South Baltimore serves as the backdrop for this gripping story of three brothers leading very different lives but joined forever by the secrets of a painful family past.
The Wholly Book of Exodus is humorous adult literature that features adult language, situations and content. It is the companion book of Jay Dubya's The Wholly Book of Genesis that satires the entire first book of the Bible.
The Wholly Book
It was Sunday morning and the sun felt warm as it shined through the cool windows. My insides retained a certain amount of that comfort, but yet I felt sad and slightly down. Something was missing, but I wasn’t quite sure what. I have been fighting a headache all week but never to the point of taking anything for it. This feeling has stayed with me for a few days.
